Cao Cao's Office of Strategic Planing, Sort Of
I wish Dun would have given me the time to properly dress before bring us to hold audience with lord Cao Cao; at the very least I have Pi and He to stand behind, literally. A very busy, serious Cao Cao looks up from his desk and takes note of us:
"Dun, what is the meaning of escorting my son and generals here?"
Dun nods his head forward proclaiming "I believe this is something for your son to explain."
I fidget with the hem of my robe, and scoot to behind Pi. If any one can communicate these circumstances with Cao Cao, it is his son. Pi steps forward, head tilted back to better project his stern voice:
"Father...I'm with Sima Yi, and I mean that in the sexual way not the platonic I-support-him-and-his-ideas way. We've had sex, plentiful amounts of hard and rough sex in most parts of this palace." That was not what Cao Pi should have said.
"Son, we all know. We just thought it would be rude to point out that you two copulate more than rabbits. What other reason did you think there was for all the maid brigades roving the palace. Did you think you had to hide from us? There wasn't a need to worry, we accept you." Xiahou Dun coughs into his balled fist.
"Father, that was meant to lead into my main point: Remember the stomach flu? Zhang He was correct; I got Zhongda pregnant. Because I have the Heavens' favor, Yi conceived. We need to depose Emperor Xian and put me on the throne." Cao Cao's face tightens as he looks on incredulously.
"Pi, I don't believe in the mandate. But you believe the rest of this? Sima Yi: will you confirm that you're pregnant?"
Something catches in my throat, my heart pounds. I sweat. This is adrenaline and raw panic.
I manage to nod from behind He and Pi.
"Father, please don't dissect Zhongda; he's useful and I'm fond of him."
Cao Cao balks: "I wouldn't do that to my officer and your lover, son. Don't take that Shu propaganda to heart; those novels were written centuries after my death. But are you certain of Yi's state?" Cao Cao arises, closing the distance between us, giving a scrutinizing and uncharacteristically quiet "How can you claim such?" to Pi.
Pi hands over the medical records, stating that he was able to conclude that such an impossible occurrence manifests the will of the Divine.
Cao Cao looks over the papers, disbelievingly stating that his strategist is pregnant by his son, and suddenly stands immediately by Cao Pi. Even if I wanted to run, there is the issue of Dun; I quiveringly stand my ground when Cao Cao abruptly speaks.
"Oh, forget what the Seven Leadership Habits Of Highly Successful Emperors said, I'm going to be a grandfather!"
"And I'll be a father!"
They hug. Of all things, after nearly killing me by way of fear, the Caos hug. Caos hugging is not natural.
Cao Pi pulls his father towards me, the both of them beginning to poke and prod my still rather flat abdomen.
"How far along is he, son?"
"A bit over 6 weeks..." , Pi says pulling me beside him. I don't know how to respond. But Dun does:
"Cousin, our strategist is pregnant. His fluctuations in mood could prove dangerous for Wei." That is simply insulting.
Cao Cao, with some contemplation, answers that we may be able to use this turn of events in the war: "Son, contact Liu Bei and Sun Ce. See if you can leverage Sima Yi's current state." Damn them all for speaking as if I'm not here.
"Yes, father. They will capitulate upon hearing Wei has the Mandate."
Dun moves from where he'd stood at the door way, "Lord Cao Cao, are you seriously going to just tell this to Wu and Shu-"
"Dun is right my Lord," Zhang He proclaims as he steps into the foreground, "we cannot simply tell them. As a show of Wei's power and glory,we must hold grand celebrations" he says plie-ing.
That bit of farce goads me into finally speaking: "He that is an absolutely-" And Cao Cao has to interrupt:
"Machiavellianly brilliant ploy." Zhang He bows graciously.
"You are too kind, my Lord. Due to my prior experience with Yaun Shao, in using ostentatious festivities as weapons of psychological warfare, I nominate myself as the head party planner for Yi's All-Kingdom's Baby Bash."
"Very well, Zhang He. But be sure to schedule this bash to occur when Sima is heavily pregnant, so as to increase the shock and awe. Bring Wei victory in this task."
I speak up, or try to: "Lord Cao Cao, this party may be a liability that lowers our forces' moral. Especially mine."
"It's already been decided, Sima Yi. You all are dismissed. There is much work ahead of us."
This is excellent! Father certainly took the news of my child well. My little Zhongda's still a bit dazed, with small tremors running through him. I'm sure he's just excited about how thrilled my father was at our having a baby. I embrace him, kissing his forehead.
"See how easy that was Zhongda? Now, let us go out on Xuchang and get some items for our child."
"You are enjoying this entirely too much, Zihuan. You do realize that I will be going through nine hellish months in which I will most likely be ridiculed. Once that's over I just have to somehow survive having your spawn rip out of me..." Yi puts his arms about my rib cage and rests on my chest for support. My poor devoted Zhongda.
I tangle a hand in his hair, and peck his cheek as his lithe frame curls in my arms. I think too little of the sacrifices and hardships that this beauteous man is willing to shoulder for me. And, I am sure, there is no one else he could give such devotion to. I feel some warmth and love at seeing how he is willing to bare his doubts and insecurities to me.
"I won't let any of that happen to you, my Zhongda. I'll be there for you at every step...
Now go change out of that whore-robe and into something that makes you look like less of a harlot. But don't put on anything too chaste, I want people to feel envious when they see you with me; at least now while your body is still good."
This is degrading. Those Caos forced me to go out and get a "maternity wardrobe" tailored. I'm not even showing! And forcing me to take Guo Huai and Deng Ai away from their productive work, under the claim that if I carry cloth I'll strain myself and injure the baby; what arrogance. It's not even a baby yet; it's a fetus. This new attitude of theirs make less sense when you consider that they previously found it acceptable to place me, their strategist, on the front line.
I go through the cloth the merchant stocks. Seeing as this tailor is a specialist in maternity wares, finding a cloth that lacks bright colors and flowers is difficult indeed. And the disagreeable fool is quite obstinate.
"Merchant, can you not accept cloth from one of the other vendors? None of these are suitable for my tastes."
"Heavens forbid, your lordship. I could not work with any lesser silks! For if that is what you want, it would be less inhumane to dress your wife in rags. Speaking of which, where is the beautiful flower that is no doubt your bride? Is it not her tastes that matter for this?" If I were just to reveal my rank and station, this could all be finished so quickly. Huai and Ai, already briefed of the situation, exchange a nervous glance. I respond:
"I'm the one paying you, sir. Believe me that you won't be seeing her."
"Ah, you are a cruel one, my lordship! So ungrateful to the one who is bearing your progeny! But who will I measure?"
"You know not of what you speak... and you will use my measurements."
"Come again, sir? How will that work?"
This will be an arduous task indeed...
AN: Cao Pi, you're a dick towards Yi. Hah! Double entendre!