Disclaimer: I am a leaf in the wind… Or was it a feather? Doesn't matter. I don't own that phrase. Or people whose names I use in this fic. Many ideas are influenced by others. So, "I own nothing, don't sue me".

Harry from the House of Wilyboldplotclaim

by

Chappy 4. Explanations from hell,

Or

Do not fear the Headmaster, he's got reasons for being creepy

The beginning-to-become-depressing conversation in the Headmaster's office continued to delve into outright horrifying areas of knowledge and life.

"The time is passing, my boy, and I am afraid it is possible you might be unable to learn the spells fast enough. The unmastered spells however might bring doom more surely than salvation. Therefore, there is one – though quite unethical way I could help you".

"No anal probes, I hope?"

"While I am curious where you acquired information on my…" Dumbledore blushed a bit, creeping Harry out a lot "…khm-khm… inclinations…" – the esteemed headmaster replayed what he said in his head, and got a bit ashamed, especially considering the reaction it elicited.

"Er, do not turn white as sheet… or run to the locked office door… or try to get out that desperately…"

Err, that did make him sound like a creepy old man… time to fix the damage.

"Seriously, young people this day have no respect for elders and mind in the gutter, I swear. Harry, I am gay, not a pedophile. I like men, not children. Finely cooked cock(1), not a little half-dead just-out-of-egg chicken. Seriously, children these days know more than grown-up men with years of marriage under their belt did in my time".

Harry stopped his desperate attempt to vacate premises yet did not look very sorry for that attempt, as proven by his snarky commentary.

"Ehm, excuse me if I don't feel comfortable with being in the locked room with someone admitting to "inclinations", looking at me and blushing, all the while letting out creepy giggles. Or looking like they might creepily giggle. And did you even hear how many men in positions of authority actually were closet pedophiles – priests, school teachers, camp leaders, politicians. So excuse me if I am vigilant for my virginity… and any threats for its continued existence from someone who looked way too interested in its quick but painful demise…"

The headmaster had the decency to look abashed.

"Well, my boy, considering some of the worlds I've been to, that is a sound policy. Why, I remember a world where young Gellert was adventurous enough to kidnap me for a week to satisfy his most carnal desires… Anyway, let's move on…" – He interjected noticing a green tint acquired by Harry. On the other hand "...but… well, it is better to be prepared to be ready for some unexpected… developments. You see, the "you" in the other dimensions might be slightly older. Probably they shall be in a relationship with someone. Maybe even engaged or married. And they do not always have same… preferences… as you. Why, there was one world where professor McGonagall did not in fact get married and was known as Minerva Adler, first in the line of That Women… Well, they beat people while… erm… this and that, and, well, the "I" there was a… customer… and it was all… awkward because I'm really not into…" – the reminiscing headmaster got so lost in thoughts he noticed Harry's presence only when our young hero started barfing.

"Hmm, I guess it was too much Veracity for someone so young" – Albus mused.

"Well, my boy, do not let them from the other worlds force you into anything you do not want. Cite headache, hurry, not wanting to do nothing till you remember who you are. Yell "Fire!" if they are too persistent… Do not attempt to grow too fast…like I did" Dumbledore wiped an inexistent tear from the corner of his eye.

"Blergh!"

"Always be careful. And use protection… and be careful. Why, in some worlds I've been shaking someone's hand is an agreement to marry regardless of gender, and yet another miss Adler managed to catch me so… I hope that "me" was happy with her… after he woke up in the "gear"and…"

"Bla-aaaaargh!"

"Well, you just have to stay careful even if you do like the person… why, I remember one time I was with Gel, we turned deliciously adventurous, and he turned into professor Snape – he was a black-eyed black-haired grumpy fellow in the midnight-black robes eating black caviar sitting on the black chair on the head table – but only after a most pleasant hour together. My, was I embarrassed…"

"Blea-aaaaaaaaaaaaargh! Bghle-eeaaargh!" – noticing the growing desperate tones to Harry's vomiting, Albus Dumbledore decided that was enough mind games to stop Harry from experimenting until further notice, hopefully many years ahead. Well, Veracity principle was upheld, as everything he described did happen to him. He sincerely hoped poor boy got no lasting damage concerning the topic of discussion. But, well, better some issues than repetition of the 17th centuries' exchange student Giakomo Kazanova's trips – which turned most of his counterparts into giant level sex-crazed perverts, and made Wilyboldplotclaim's name not-so-welcomed if not outright abhorred in many dimensions. It was embarrassing, really. No need to repeat that. But dear boy seemed just scarred enough, anyway. Therefore, time to stop suffering of the fellow student, and to continue the introduction before time had run out, and he was sent away unprepared.

"Um, well, let's talk about the spells, then. It would be better if you allowed me to help you by installing so-called "triggers" into your mind. We can choose any spell you want, but not much – better no more than five, perhaps even two or three, otherwise they could hurt your brain capacity. But you shall be able to use them with or without a wand, if with greater strain. Perhaps something to run away, something to defend yourself, something to find your way?"

Harry muttered something angrily, throwing an irritated glance the Headmaster's way. Could he have guessed?.. naw, he was too young to spot that kind of manipulation. Albus waved his wand, transfiguring a piece of parchment into a glass and filling it to brim with a quick "Aguamenti".

"There you go, my boy" – better not let taste of vomit distract him. "Oh, yes! Evanesco! Evanesco! Evanesco!"

"Donky bring food for Headmaster Sir and Harry Pitter Sire!"

"Blaargh!"

"Donky sorry Donky disgust great Harry Potter Sire! Donky eat live mice as punishment!"

"Kha-kha-kha! No, please, Donky, do not do that! Blaaargh! I just… Blargh!.. got a bit of a bug after we called you! You did nothing wrong, seriously." Except mention "live mice" and "eat" in one sentence, but it did not seem an intentional attempt to gross Harry out, like Dumbledore's try was. Seriously, his aunt was sometimes better at trying to make him stop procreating – a pastime she indulged in after several hours of reading women's magazines and staring at some readheaded woman's photo she kept in the drawer by her bed, signed "To Petunia, with love. L." Harry sincerely hoped it was his mother, as she did seem pretty, and they did both have similar features. He was sometimes afraid it was not his mother. Further guesses in that direction left him discontented and full of paranoid thoughts about all sorts of Freudian problems his Aunt might be subject to, and musings on whether or not her fetishes included green eyes on creatures of male persuasion… On that topic…

"Blea-aaaargh!" – Meanwhile, Headmaster was getting worried. Perhaps he overdid it with the Sex Ed introductions… Oh well, better too early and way too gross than sorry.

(1) Just in case of someone with a dirty mind, I mean a grown-up male chicken, not reproductive organ.

A.N. I think I'm becoming too enamoured with just talking… and talking…and talking. And no Weasley Conundrum in this Chappy. I think I'm getting lazy. And not funny.

About Harry.

Well, as many authors' before me, my Harry is a bit different than cannon one. First of all, he did manage to buy more books than necessary when shopping with Hagrid, therefore he is more knowledgeable than in original story. Also, the houses were discussed on the train, while he was in the Alley, so even in cannon he knows what the houses' names are. Second, he is clever , a bit more manipulative, and tends to be more proactive than original. Therefore, if hat starts talking about something he never heard before – meaning in his mind it tries to humiliate him in some way – he feels his position threatened. Also, other people did not appear that agitated – that means he is the only one on the receiving end of some kind of joke. Therefore, he uses knowledge from the books he acquired to threaten the hat which tries to undermine the happiest day of his life – the day he finds companions he still desperately yearns.

Usually he is more laidback – he's good at spotting blackmail material and isn't afraid to use it, therefore making his life at Dursleys more comfortable. I think those traits are quite noticeable. He is more comfortable with grownups than original, neglected Harry. He has just a bit advanced vocabulary, because he managed to avoid being punished for better marks than Dudley. While he is in no way a bookworm, he does enjoy a good book occasionally. Or some TV. Or even Internet, if mostly in the library.

As he did manage gain some revenge by blackmail, he's less likely to be "forgiving and forgetting" as the cannon Harry – who did feel more helpless, even if he retained his sarcasm and did defy his relatives (mostly from distance and out of earshot in the beginning). This Harry is all too familiar with "getting leverage".

Okay, perhaps my Cannon Harry image I was too influenced by "Mister Potatohead" story.