Author's Note: Hello my beautiful little birds. So I finally watched Fifty Shades of Grey and it was…intense. I do not recommend you guys to see it, but Ana and Christian are the cutest couple, except for Everllark. (: it was pretty graphic. But anyways.. This is my first long chapter so I'm sorry if It gets boring. I don't know when I will be posting the next chapter. Enjoy it and if you have any ideas just tell me. Don't forget to review.

I don't own The Hunger Games

Chapter 13

Katniss's POV

I can't remember falling asleep. When I open my eyes the only thing I see is completely black. I'm surrounded by darkness. I'm sure I was having a nightmare since I can fell my watery eyes and my quick heartbeat, but I wasn't screaming since my throat doesn't feel dry. I can also feel my head rise and fall, it is leaning on something soft and warm. Peeta. I don't want to wake him up, so I just lay in there listening to his heartbeat. I don't remember what I was dreaming about but I know it was about Finnick, his death playing in my head over and over again. It was my fault. Because of me he won't meet his son. Because of me Annie will never be completely happy again. Because of me Prim will never experience true love. Because of me thousands of people are dead. I should be dead instead. I'm the cause of all this destruction. It is all my fault.

I can't stop the tears that stream down my face. How can I be alive when Finnick, Prim, Cinna, Rue and so many others aren't? Grief and guilt are choking me and I can't contain the noises that escape my lips.

"Katniss" I hear an angelic voice so distant. 'Yes?" I answer, I try to sound steady but my shaking voice betrays me.

"Are you crying" Peeta asks in a quiet whisper. I used to hate when he talks to me like I'm a piece of glass about to break, but isn't that what I became?

"No" I try, but Peeta knows me to well. He pulls me up so my face is only inches from his.

"Whats's wrong?" He brings his hand up and caresses my cheek. "Nothing" I answer, but my voice breaks. More tears fall and I can't control the sobs. I don't even know why I'm crying so much. I should feel safe here in his arms. For some reason all my grief and guilt turned to fear. I'm afraid that I will lose the only person I love in this world, just like I lost my sister. I'm afraid that Gale is going to come back and hurt me again. I'm afraid that everybody is going to find out about what happened. I'm afraid that Peeta will stop loving me.

"D-d-don't l-leave me. P-please" I say, my voice sounds like of a lost child. Peeta pulls me to him. His strong arms circle my small and frail body. I feel his warmth and his heart beating. "I'm not going anywhere, I promise love. I will always be here with you no matter what." I hold on to him as tight as I can. I'm afraid that if I let him go I will never be able to reach him again.

Seconds, minutes, hours pass by. I'm not sure for how long we stay in there, wrapped around each others' arms. I barely notice when the first sunrays shine through the window. Peeta is still caressing the small of my back and I wonder if he slept at all.

"Hey, you awake?" he whispers in my ear, a small nod is all he gets. He pulls me back a little so can look straight in my boring gray eyes. "How about I make us some breakfast? What do you want? Cheese buns, hot chocolate.." he asks. I'm not really hungry but I can't turn his offer down. I try my best to give him a small smile but he notices my effort, of course he does. Peeta knows more about me than I know about myself. He gives me a slow kiss and tries to get out of the bed, but I'm not ready to let him go. I pull him back and he ends up on top of me, supporting his weight on his elbows. He looks down at me, his ocean like blue eyes shining with something I guess is concern. He is worried about me, I can see in his eyes. I haven't eaten almost anything since I came back from the Capitol, even there I was forced to eat. Since that terrible night I can definitely say that I haven't eaten something at all. I can imagine that I must look like a stick.

Peeta moves a strand of hair from my forehead and kisses the skin beneath it. "Can you please let me make you something to eat?" he asks, I can't understand how he always thinks about me like I'm the center of the universe. "Okay" I whisper. He brings his face to mine and kisses my lips. His lips are soft and gentle. He caresses my lips with his own. Peeta can be a fighter, a warrior, a soldier but he can also be the sweetest lover. His lips can be demanding and passionate but they can also be slow and loving. Suddenly he leaves the bed and goes straight to the bathroom. I lay in there completely confused.

Peeta's POV

Her soft lips feel so amazing on mine. This girl is everything I ever wanted. She is so beautiful, so loving so….a Mutt. She is a mutt and she killed my family. I must kill her….No, Katniss is not responsible for anything. She never wanted this war. She didn't know about the bombs….she was the one who planed them. Then why am I kissing her? She is trying to manipulate you. She doesn't love you, she is trying to get rid of you so she can run away with Gale. But it seems like she is kissing me back, it feels so sincere.

I open my eyes during our kiss. Her eyes are closed and her expression is of pure bliss. She is enjoying it as much as I was. No she is not, she is pretending, don't be stupid. Before I can do something I may regret, I make my way to the bathroom as fast as I can.

This can't be happening, not right now. I haven't had a flashback since I left the Capitol and I hoped that maybe they were gone for good. But how could I be so stupid. It's not possible. I will never be the same again. Never. One part of me will always love Katniss, while the other part will always want to kill her. How can I live like this? How can I be by her side when I may be more dangerous than Gale. He hurt her, but I could do much worse.

I lock myself in the bathroom and sit against the door. I try to think of the best moments I had with her, but they were altered by Capitol. I don't know what is real and what is not. She is lying to you, she always was. That's the truth. She doesn't love you, she doesn't love anybody. I try not to believe the dark voice in my head but I know that if I keeping fighting it will come back stronger. She is safe in my room, I throw the key for the bathroom under the door and I just let myself go…

"Peeta? Peeta are you okay?" I hear someone say. Katniss. She is a Mutt and she only wants to kill me. "I WILL KILL YOU, YOU ARE A MUTT." I yell. I try to open the door and get to her but its locket. Where is the damn key. I need to kill her. "YOU KILLED MY FAMILY AND MOST OF THIS DISTRICT WHEN YOU THREW THOSE BOMBS." I stand up and start looking for the key. Where is it?

"Peeta, please come back, It's not real. I didn't plan the bombs, Snow did." I hear her whisper on the other side of the door. It sounds like her. She is crying, I can hear her whimpers. Good. She deserves to suffer. "I WILL KILL YOU AS SOON AS I GET OUT OF HERE. WHERE IS THE KEY?" I yell. She doesn't know what waits for her. I will get out of this bathroom, doesn't matter what I have to do.

"I have it. You threw it under the door. You didn't want to hurt me." She says in such a small voice it annoys me. "GIVE ME IT, RIGHT NOW." I start kicking the door. I need to open it, I need to open it right now. Why am I kicking the door? What is happening? I hear someone crying on the other side. Katniss. The damn Mutt. No, she is the girl I'm in love with. It's not her fault, she didn't choose all of this. It's not her fault. Yes it is, she killed everyone for fun. She likes to destroy and I'm the next one on her list. I must kill her before she kills me. No, I shouldn't. She is crying, my Katniss is in pain. She deserves to be in pain, she is a murder. No, I need to help her. "Katniss, please go away. I can't control it. Please leave before I hurt you. Run!" is the only thing I get to say before I start kicking the door again. "YOU DON'T DESERVE TO LIVE" I yell over and over, I need to break this door.

"I know, I know. It's not real Peeta" I hear her say, her voice is distant and small. Her sobs echo through the room. I hear footsteps and I know she is leaving. NO SHE CAN'T LEAVE. I start kicking the door again. "WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU ARE GOING? I WILL FIND YOU, DON'T EVEN BOTHER TO HIDE."

Katniss' POV

I drag myself to Haymitch's house. I can't handle this pain anymore. Will it ever go away? I can't bring myself to tell anybody about it, but it doesn't fade away just like most of the different kinds of pain I felt so fair. This burning sensation only reminds me of Gale and the night he forced himself on me. Peeta. I can't help him. I feel so useless. I'm such a coward, How can I just run away and leave him. He could hurt himself or even worse. But again, If I didn't leave he would end up killing me. I don't think I would care, but Peeta would be destroyed, he would feel so guilty.

Before I can think about another solution I'm knocking on Haymitch's door. What am I going to say to him. He opens the door and I'm surprised to see that he is sober.

"Sweetheart, what is happening?" he asks. I can imagine how I must look right now. I'm wearing one my mom's old pajamas, I can barely remember the last time I brushed my hair and my face is wet with tears. "P-P-Peeta" is the only word I can get out before awful sobs shake my body sending my hands up to cover my face. Haymitch steps outside and pulls me inside. He notices my difficulties to walk and picks me up, carrying me to his living room and lying me down on his couch, sitting next to me. I haven't stopped crying. What if I lose Peeta. The memory of the day he was rescued comes back to my mind, the moment when I thought that my Peeta was dead.

"Katniss listen to me, you have to try to tell me what is happening. I can't help you if I don't know what is going on sweetheart" Haymitch whispers while caressing my cheek. I can't speak right now, my sobs won't let me. I try to say a few words but I cannot even understand one word that comes out of my mouth so I decide to go straight to the point. "P-P-Peeta, f-f-flashback" I whisper between sobs. I'm in so much pain and so worried about Peeta at the same time that I don't even try to contain the tears. I cry freely like I was never used to do before.

"I can't leave you here but I need to check on him. What about I call Greasy Sae and wait until she comes?" Haymitch asks, he looks truly concerned about the situation and I've never felt so grateful for having him living next to me. "N-no, H-Haymitch, h-he n-needs y-y-you. P-P-Please g-go." He looks at me one last time and stands up. "I will go. Please don't try to stand up and if you need anything the phone is right next to you." He leaves before I can say anything else.

Peeta's POV

I don't know what is happening. Why am I on the floor of my bedroom and the door to my bathroom is completely destroyed. Where is Katniss? My head in hurting so much it won't let me think. I feel exhausted. I must have had a flashback. I don't remember anything except that I was kissing Katniss and than I locked myself in the bathroom because I felt something ghastly stir inside of me. I locked myself so I wouldn't hurt her, but than why am I in my bedroom? I stand up and start looking around the house. She is nowhere to be found. What if she just left me, what if I hurt her, what if I killed her, what if…

"Peeta, what the hell is happening." I didn't even hear Haymitch coming in. "I don't know. I think I had a flashback. Haymitch I need to find Katniss. I don't know where she is, what if I hurt her? Haymitch please help me to find her." I ask sounding desperate. I will never forgive myself if I did something to her.

"Relax kid she is at my house. She is scared but she is fine. You didn't touch her, good job." I really can't understand why he sounds so calm. I'm freaking out. I may not have hurt her but what if she got so scared of what she saw that she will never come close to me again. I can't lose her, she is the only person left in this world that I love.

"Can I come over? I need to see her, talk to her. Please Haymitch I won't hurt her, I'm fine now." Haymitch seems to be in deep thought. Since when does Haymitch think so hard. "Look kid, I know you want to see her and trust me I don't think is a good idea to just leave her by herself but if I could have two minutes of your time I would like to talk to you about something." He says while walking to the couch and sitting down. I do the same and wait for him to speak. I just want to get this over with and check on Katniss.

"I feel completely clueless about whatever is happening between sweetheart, you and the other kiddo, Gale. When sweetheart came back he was the one looking after her, at least he was trying to. Suddenly he just leaves her house, sweetheart is crying 24/7 and you two get in a fight. I want to know what is going on." How am I going to tell him? I barely know it myself. I only know what Gale did to her, I don't know the entire story. The only thing I'm sure of is that we need to help her as soon as possible.

Now that the adrenaline is finally leaving my blood I can feel the after effects in full force. My head is spinning, my hands hurt probably from kicking and punching the door and my not yet completely healed ribs scream for help. I can barely concentrate on my surroundings, the pain is making me dumb. "Peeta, Peeta I'm talking to you" Haymitch waves a hand in front of my eyes. "I'm sorry Haymitch but I'm not feeling well." I take deep breaths and try not to think about all the different kinds of injuries I must have in my body right now.

"I can't really…" deep breath "Tell you…" deep breath "about it…"deep breath. Haymitch notices my struggle and runs to the bathroom. Soon after, he comes back with two pills and hand them to me. "Take those, they will make some of the pain go away." I swallow them while he gets me a cup of water. I didn't even know I had those pills in my house.

I feel a little better and the pain is more bearable. "I can't tell you because I don't know all of it myself. I didn't ask her to clarify it for me. I don't think this is the right time yet, by the way how did you know I had those pills in here?" Haymitch stares at me and then says "Greasy Sae left them here in case you needed it. Can you at least tell me what you know?" he asks. "Not until I talk to her and check if she wants me to. Haymitch I can't just tell everybody, I have to respect her privacy." Haymitch does not look pleased but a flash of understanding crosses his face. "Now can we please go check on her, I feel like we already took too much time." He only nods at this and we both make our way to the door and to his house

I never thought that a longer chapter would give me this much work. I'm so sorry I took forever to update, I have SAT (a test for Juniors) and I have to study really hard so I don't have a lot of time. Once I take it, this Wednesday btw, I promise I will try to update sooner. I'm thinking about starting a new story, what do you guys think? Would you read it? Don't forget to review and see you next time.