Author's Note: Hello Mockingjays! So last chapter was a twist and I have no idea why I did that. Please leave me some ideas on what you guys think should happen next, I will try to add as much action to this story as possible but for now let's keep it slow. Here is chapter 17. Enjoy
I don't own The Hunger Games.
Chapter 17
Katniss's POV
When I open my eyes the first thing I see is the bright sunlight shining through a window. I'm lying on a soft bed and my entire body hurts. I reach for the other side of the bed, looking for Peeta, and that's when everything that happened, probably last night, comes back to my mind. I left him. I pushed my dandelion away. I can't keep more tears from falling when I think about how I left him in there and even crying makes my muscles ache.
My vision is blurry but I can still see enough to know that I'm in my room. My house in the Victors Village. I start to panic, here is where everything happened. Here is where Gale reaped me. Someone found a way to unlock it, probably my mother, and cleaned everything. The image of my blood all over the bed I'm lying on right now comes to my head making me dizzy. I have to leave this room. I have to leave this house. I try my best to get out of the bed but I can't feel my legs.
"Where do you think you are going?" I hear someone say from the door. My mother. "I need to get out of here. What is happening to me?" I ask her, my voice sounding hoarse.
"You are not going anywhere young lady. Haymitch found you passed out in the middle of the Victor Village yesterday. Katniss what were you thinking?" She comes closer and sits next to me on the bed.
I don't even know what I was thinking. I broke up with Peeta, even though we weren't officially dating we were more than friends. More tears make an appearance and I know that I won't be able to stop them. I don't want to cry in front of my mother, I don't want to show any kind of weakness, but the pain in my heart is too much to handle.
"Katniss? Katniss what happened?" she asks, for the first time my mother is really concerned about what is happening to me. I just shake my head and try to move my legs again but I still don't feel anything. I look at my mother through my tears. " It is probably because of the anesthetic. I told you not to walk and you were running across the street. Katniss I had to do your stiches again. Your pants were soaked with blood and your face was covered in scratches." My mother explains. I don't know what to do or what to say, so I just bring my hands to my face and cry.
"Shhh, it's okay. Can you tell me what happened? Did Peeta hurt you?" she asks. What? Peeta hurting me, of course not. Peeta would never hurt me. I just shake my head. I wouldn't be able to form words even if I tried.
I try my best to take deep breaths and calm down. There are some things I need to know. "W-w-where is H-H-Haymitch now?" I ask my mom. "I'm not sure Katniss. He told me he needed to check on Peeta." Peeta. He is probably as broken as I am. I want to see him so bad, but I know I won't be able to keep us in a friend zone. What I feel for Peeta is much more than friendship. I love him. I love him with all my soul.
"I'm going make something for you to eat. Don't move from this bed." My mother leaves the room before I can say anything else. I couldn't move even if I tried. I don't feel any physical pain but my heart seems to be breaking even more by each second. I need Peeta to survive. He is the air I breath and even though I want for him to be happy, I'm selfish enough to wish he was here right now. I miss the way he would hold me and tell me everything was going to be okay. My thoughts of Peeta fill my mind and the next thing I know my head hits the pillow and I fall asleep.
I'm sitting in front of the fireplace, alone, in one of the houses in the Victors Village. Our houses are so much alike that I'm not sure whose house this is. I stand up and start looking around. "Hello" I say, nobody answers. I'm completely alone and I don't know if I should feel scared or relieved. Suddenly I hear someone opening the front door. "Katniss? Katniss are you here?" I could recognize this voice anywhere. It's him. Peeta is here. "Peeta?" I run straight to his waiting arms. Peeta hugs me so tight that I can barely breath , but I don't care. "I love you, I love you so much." I say over and over again. I never admitted out loud how much he means to me. I'm not good with words. But I feel like I need to before it is too late. "I love you too Katniss." He pulls away softly, just enough to bring his lips to mine. He brings us to the closest couch without breaking our kiss. I never felt so alive. I feel Peeta lips everywhere and also his hands. He makes me lay down on the couch and he climbs on top of is caressing my hips, my waist and the curve of my breasts. That's when I feel his hands sneak under my shirt. I need to slow down. I can't do this right now. "Peeta can we go a little slower. I don't think I'm ready for this." I say, but when I open my eyes the boy kissing and caressing my body is not Peeta. It's Gale. He is going to hurt me again. Gale is here and there is nobody to save me.
"Katniss, wake up!" I feel someone shaking me. It was only another nightmare. I open my eyes and stare straight into Haymitch's. "Girl, you almost gave me a heart attack." Haymitch says. "What are you doing here?" I ask while wiping up my sweaty forehead. "I was coming here to check on you and I heard you screaming. Katniss. Now, being serious, what the heck happened to Peeta?" My heart skips a beat. "What do you mean? Where is he? Haymitch is he okay? Please tell me he is okay." I say, my voice sounding desperate.
"I wish I could say that girl, but he isn't. I just came from his house, the new district 12 nurse is in there with him." Haymitch says looking down at his hands. District 12 nurse? "Why does he need a nurse? Haymitch what happened?" my heart is beating so fast that I'm sure Haymitch can hear it.
"I'm not sure sweetheart. After I found you passed out in the middle of the street yesterday and made sure you were safe with your mother I went to his house for some explanations. His house was a mess, broken glass everywhere. I found the boy agonizing on the kitchen floor, his hands and arms covered with blood. He had an episode and broke all the glass stuff he could find in front of him." I can't control the sobs that leave my body. It's all my fault. I broke his heart again and I left when he needed me the most.
"Katniss, do you know what caused this episode? It's okay sweetheart, you can tell me anything." Haymitch brings his hand up to wipe up my cheeks. "W-w-we b-broke up." I say. I need to go see him right now. "I didn't even know you guys were something other than best friends." Haymitch tries to joke, but I can see that he is truly worried about us. "C-C-can I-I s-s-see him? P-please Haymitch." I ask his, my voice begging. "I don't actually think that it is a good idea Katniss, but the way things are going it will be worse if I keep you guys away from each other." Haymitch says. He goes to the window and check on something. "I think the nurse left, your mom is in her room so I think we can sneak out of the house. Can you walk?" I shake my head, ashamed. "Don't worry, I will carry you. You can't weight more than a couple pounds anyway." This time I try my best to smile but I know it looks forced.
"I need to change first." I say, I don't really care how I look but I'm barely wearing anything under the blankets. "Okay, do you want me to pick something for you?" I nod. I try my best to keep my nerves in control while Haymitch goes to my closet and gets me a pair of sweat pants and a black t-shirt. "This looks kind of big on you." Haymitch says once he sees the shirt he got. "It's Peeta's." I say. Tears start to make my vision blurry again. "Hey sweetheart, don't worry. He will be okay. Give him a couple days and your presence and he will be as good as new." Haymitch says. He kisses my head before leaving the room to give me privacy to change. I change as quickly as I can, since I can't really move my legs yet. "I'm done" I yell. Haymitch comes back in the room, picks me up and carries me to Peeta's house.
Once we get inside I'm surprised to see that someone cleaned the mess. Haymitch carries me straight to Peeta's room. "Can you sit outside the door just for a moment? I need to make sure it's safe for you to be close to him." I nod, Haymitch helps me to sit on the ground next to Peeta's room. He goes in and I use my hunter skills to listen to their conversation.
"Afternoon boy, how are you feeling?" Haymitch asks. At first he doesn't answer. "Come on boy, talk to me."
"I don't care Haymitch." Peeta returns. His voice sounds hoarse and hurt.
"Did the nurse talk to you?" Haymitch asks.
"Yes. Now can you please leave?" Peeta says.
"I can see that she took care of those cuts. What else did she do?" I know that Haymitch is trying to make him talk, he couldn't care less about what the nurse did or didn't.
"Nothing, now can you please get out? I just want to stay by myself and if I'm luck enough I will be dead soon." Peeta yells. It feels like someone is chocking me. I'm fighting for air but my lungs are burning. How could Peeta think like that?
"No, you are not going to die. Stop being so dramatic, I'm not a psychologist. I have a surprise for you. By the way have you eaten anything today?" Haymitch is trying to make the best of the situation but I can hear his voice trembling.
"I don't care about it and I'm not hungry. Now can you please leave?" Peeta says. I know he is crying just by the tone of his voice.
I come crawling through the door. I can't stay sitting outside listening to my Peeta say how worthless his life has become because of what I did. Haymitch looks at me and nods, he checks on Peeta one last time and leaves. I don't know how I do it but I'm able to make my way to his bed and climb it. Peeta is facing the other way. I can only see one side of his face. His eyes are closed, his skin is very pale and his hands and arms are covered with bandages.
"Haymitch I already told you to leave me alone. Is that asking too much?" Peeta says.
"This isn't Haymitch." I whisper, my voice shaking. Peeta turns around and that's when I notice the cuts on his cheek and his skin is as pale as a ghost. His blue eyes that I love so much are swollen and wet with tears.
"What do you want?" he asks. He doesn't sound angry, just hurt.
"Haymitch told me what happened. I was so worried Peeta. I will leave if you want me to but I had to check on you." I say. I'm trying to control my emotions so I don't start sobbing.
"I don't want to take more of your time. You can leave now."
"You never take my time Peeta. I'm so sorry for what I said yesterday, I just…" He cuts me off "I don't want to hear anymore Katniss. I just don't understand why you feel so much pleasure in letting me fall hard for you and then you kick me out of your life. What can I say about it? I'm sorry for loving you? Or I'm sorry for coming back and trying to fix my life? I didn't mean to bring my hope up about us. I know there was never an "us" anyway." Of course he doesn't understand the reason behind my sacrifice.
"Do you really think I'm enjoying myself right now? Guess what Peeta, you are wrong. I just wanted for you to be happy and for that to happen I can't keep you by my side, holding you back. Peeta just look at me, while normal girls date the guy they love and them experience physical pleasure with them, Gale stole it from me. I'm not pure anymore Peeta. I don't want you to look at me everyday and realize that you are not the first boy who ever touched my body." I say, my voice is shaking and tears are running freely down my face. I really don't know how my eyes are able to produce so many tears, but right now I just want to let myself go. I'm not good at showing emotions, but Peeta deserves the true. He needs to know that this is not being easy for me either.
"Happy? How am I supposed to be happy? Katniss please understand that for me there is no happiness if you are not with me. Can't you see? There is no one is this damn house. I lost everything Katniss. I lost my parents, my brothers and even part of my memory. Please don't make me lose you too." He sounds so desperate and hurt. So deeply hurt that I wonder if after all of this is done he will still be able to call me a friend. His expression reminds me of the day on the train back from the Capitol after our first Hunger Games. He looks like someone stabbed him in the heart.
"You will find someone else who will be special to you. You are handsome, sweet, smart, an amazing baker… She will give you a family of your own and you will never be alone anymore. Something I don't think I can do Peeta." I never thought it would hurt so much to say it out loud. I can't imagine Peeta with anyone else.
"Don't you think I tried? All those years while I would think that you and Gale were already a couple. I tried to move on Katniss, but I just can't. Every girl I dated from our school never meant anything to me. I will never stop loving you and just you. Why can't you see that?" he asks, his voice rising.
"I'm not who you think I am Peeta. I'm not your perfect girlfriend." I will have to try harder to convince him even thought I'm fighting against my instinct to just throw my arms around his neck and kiss him deeply.
"I don't want a perfect girlfriend Katniss. I want the girl whose voice can make the birds stop to listen. The girl who wanted to give her own life just to save mine own. The girl who led a rebellion, an entire country to victory. The girl who is right in front of me right now." His words are only making it harder for me to resist. Peeta is the person who can lead an entire nation with his words and he can certain change my heart. I'm selfish and I want Peeta for me.
"What about Gale? I will always be scarred because of that night. Peeta, I can't keep you from finding someone who is not as broken as I am. I can't lie to you. I don't think I will ever be able to have a physical relationship. I know what some couples do when they love each other, but can you understand what it feels like when someone you never loved more than a friend does something like that to you? I never though about making love, or whatever you call it, with anybody until I met you and my feeling for you grew. Sometime I used to sit on my bed and dream about how my first time would be, and you were always the only boy in my mind that I would do that with. I mean, we passed the friend zone anyway. But now, for me, sex is not about pleasure, it is about pain and shame. I will never get back what Gale stole from me." That's all I can get out of my system before I completely breakdown. I cry and sob on my hands.
"Come here." Peeta pulls me to him and hug me tight. I know that if I allow this to happen it will be even harder when I leave but I just can't resist. I sob on his shirt until I run out of tears. Peeta holds me the entire time, whispering shooting words in my ear. "Shhhh, shhhh, it's okay. Calm down please, everything is going to be fine." He repeats over and over again. When I finally calm down a little, Peeta cups my face with his large hands and rest his forehead on mine.
"I don't care if the only thing we are able to do for the rest of our lives is hold hands. I don't care if you never want or can't go passed the point of kissing each other good night. Please Katniss understand that I only want you. Katniss Everdeen, I love you and only you. I don't need anything else to survive, not even air, if I have you by my side. You are the reason I wake up every morning. You bring me the strength to keep going. You are my promise that this life goes on, no matter how much pain we felt or we are still feeling" I'm a goner.
I came here with my decision made. I was going to check on Peeta, make sure he was okay and leave his life forever. But now, with those ocean blue eyes staring straight into mine, I couldn't imagine my life without him. It may be the most selfish thing I ever did in my life but I can't leave him. "Please stay." He whispers. Peeta leans in and our lips touch, softly. He is giving me enough time to pull away if I feel like it. But I don't, I kiss him harder. Our future is completely uncertain but I don't care right now. I can only hope that Peeta will not regret his choice later.
There you are. I need to be honest, I love this chapter. So guys I decided to write a "my version of Mockingjay" story. I don't know when I will be posting it since I will write a couple chapters before. I wrote this chapter while listening to "One Last Time" by Ariana Grande, I think it got me a little more inspired. Let me know what you guys think. See you next time.