Author's Note: First let me thank everyone who had reviewed, alerted, or put this story on their favorites it means a lot to me.

Warning: There is mention of self-harm in this chapter. This is a retelling of the journal entry in chapter 10, and you can skip it or the pensive memory and still know what's going on in the story. I wrestled with whether to add this chapter or not, but came to the conclusion that the journal entry was more a glossed over version of events where the memory is more exact. I also wanted to add his reaction to actually seeing what he caused.

Enjoy!

Disclaimer: Do I really need to say that I don't own them? I'm just playing with someone else's toys and do return them in the same shape I have found them (well that may not always be the case).

Severus was pulled into her bedroom, he stood in the corner watching the memory unfold.

~~^~~Pensive Memory~~^~~

Hermione sat on the bed, a book open in front of her. She took furious notes as she read. She jumped when she heard the front door open then closed. She closed the book, a look of expectation of her face as she heard his feet on the steps.

Her face fell as she heard a distinctly female voice say,

"So talk, dark, and handsome are you going to have your wicked way with me?"

"Something like that." Severus answered.

Hermione looked scared, Severus had to step closer to hear her whisper.

"Please, I don't want to…." He saw tears fall from her eyes. Now that he was really looking at her he saw her hands shaking.

Hermione heard his bedroom door open then shut, the voices seemed louder now.

It seemed to Severus every sound in this room was amplified.

Hermione laid down on the bed covering her head with her pillow, he could tell she was crying.

Words came floating into the room, there was no mistake as to what was going on.

Hermione threw the pillow across the room, she stood pacing at first. Then she stopped at the wall that separated their rooms, she leaned against it sliding to the floor. She drew her knees up to her chest wrapping her arms around them.

Severus came over sitting beside the memory Hermione, he told himself it was so he could hear her. But the truth was that even though this was just an image of a memory he wanted to be this close to her.

"Why?" she asked quietly "Why make me listen to you?"

Of course the only answer she received was the sounds of sex coming from the next room.

When her head banged into the wall behind her Severus jumped, he never pegged her for that type of behavior.

"Why can't you say that to me?"

Severus watched her as her tears never dried, her breaths came in gasp.

"You could love me like that."

The sounds from the next room became more urgent, Severus knew it wouldn't long now until it was over.

"Why am I not good enough? What have I done wrong?"

Her head hit the wall again,

"Why can't I hear those words from you, any words. I've done everything you've wanted, I whore myself to you and you still want to flaunt that I'm not good enough. Maybe death would be…."

She never finished the sentence when yelling from the next room told of shared climaxes.

Severus watched as she sobbed then stood pacing her room, the pain on her face was hard to see. Knowing that he was the one that put it there was like a knife in his heart.

If the pain now was hard to take her next actions broke his heart.

Hermione walked back over to the wall, she fell to her knees yelling at the wall.

"I love you, that's all I ever did. Why do you think that is so wrong?"

She was sobbing as she hit the wall with her open hand.

He had no idea how long they were there but she finally stood going to the bed she laid down on it. Finally she said.

"What did I ever do that was so wrong that you treat me like….. like….." her tears and sobs started again and she wasn't able to speak.

It was heart breaking to watch her, he wanted nothing more than to pull her to him telling her that it was a mistake.

He stood there watching her as he heard the noises from the next room then feet on the steps. He watched Hermione as she twirled her wand between her fingers staring at it as her tears dried finally. He could feel the pain coming from her.

He watched in horror as she finally took the wand without a word cutting herself, she closed her eyes just breathing deeply then closed the wound.

He heard her hiss and look at the ring on her finger, the anger flashed across her face then pain.

He stood watching as her memory of himself came into the room, she had been right in her journal he did nothing more than rut around.

~~^~~End Pensive Memory~~^~~

Severus stumbled back from the pensive, his breathing erratic. A wave a nausea hit him he turned quickly to the bathroom, retching on his knees in front of the toilet. He could count on one hand the times in his life he was truly sicken by his actions, the last time was when he stood on the astronomy tower and cast an unforgiveable at Albus Dumbledore.

"What have I done?" he whispered to himself.

He stood getting a wash cloth to wipe his face then rinsed his mouth before brushing his teeth, he avoided the mirror in front of him at the moment he couldn't stand to look at himself.

He went back to his room, never looking at the pensive he laid down on the bed with his arm thrown over his eyes while his other hand went to the rings around his neck. After what he did he knew he didn't deserve to have her back, it still didn't stop him from wanting her back to do it right this time.

His mind traveled over the memory again, the pained look on her face at his actions was burned into his mind. He had hurt her so greatly, more than she ever deserved. But the one fact that made him shutter was that she hurt herself because of him, he caused her so much agony that she couldn't or didn't know how to deal with it except with physical pain. He was just like Tobias, the one person he never wanted to be like, the only difference was that he didn't strike her with his own hand but he had physically hurt her just as much if not more than if he had.

Tears came unchecked, she had been so young and trusting. Smart enough to know that he didn't love her though that was what she craved from him, all he had done was show her how cruel he could be. She wrote about a crushing pain in her chest, now he knew precisely what she was feeling when she talked about learning to breathe again.

Author's Note: Comments really do make me smile and brighten my day. Next chapter tomorrow, they shall meet, breifly.

Also I wanted to let you know that I have a couple of Severus/Hermione videos on youtube, the link is in my profile.