Chapter 4: Meeting of the Minds
If Yakko didn't shut up soon, Dot was going to do something drastic.
After living with him her entire life, she thought she'd be used to it by now. And she was. It was only on rare occasions, when Yakko talked to the point where he got lightheaded, that Dot couldn't take it. Occasions like this one.
Sighing, Dot straightened out her skirt for the twentieth time and stared out the window at the palm trees whizzing past them. The last two hours had been a blur. After the startling conversation with that Oswald weirdo and Babs' announcement that Bugs Bunny wished to hold a meeting, they had spent the next hour saying their condolences and their goodbyes. Then, in a wild rush, she and her brothers were piled in the backseat of Buster's car as Buster high-tailed it to the WB lot, where the meeting was apparently going to be held. Why Buster felt the need to speed, she had no idea – Bugs Bunny was holding the meeting, and he was at the viewing too.
Dot slumped against her seat. It was barely evening and she was already exhausted. Saying goodbye to Skippy had been draining; when she mentioned that she was leaving he looked as though he were about to have another breakdown. Feeling as though she was going to have one herself, Dot promised, repeatedly, that she would try to visit him before she left for New York. Yakko even gave Skippy his phone number, telling Skippy to call him at any time if he wanted to talk. Skippy had given them watery hugs before they left. His melancholy made her miss the carefree happiness of her JTAP friends, whose largest concerns were who got what solo and what boy said what and when. A small part of her knew that she probably wasn't going to see him tomorrow before she left. Frowning deeply, Dot shut her eyes and let the sound of Yakko's ceaseless chattering drown out the guilt and sadness that swelled in her at the thought of Skippy.
"Language creates history, really, one little word can change how we remember everything," Yakko said, "For example if I threw myself out of this car right now, I might say I threw myself, but you could say I fell out of the car, and it changes the whole meaning – "
Yakko, galvanized by the mere mention of his idol, seemed to be overcome with nervous excitement which he coped with by talking nonstop. No one else could squeeze a word in; Yakko barely paused to breathe, stopping only when he got dizzy from running out of breath, and that only stopped him for a few seconds. Dot had ceased listening to what he was saying long ago, and judging by Buster's periodic yeahs and uh huhs, he had stopped listening too. Honestly, Yakko had probably stopped listening to himself anyway, and this was just a byproduct of his nerves. To date, Bugs Bunny was the only person Dot had ever seen make Yakko tongue tied. The few times they had ever met Bugs were littered with Yakko babbling rapidly then getting suddenly quiet with Dot swearing she could see him blushing just a little bit.
When confronted about his hero worship, Yakko would never fess up. "That's ridiculous, I barely know the guy" and "You're reading too much into things" were his typical responses. But that didn't explain why Dot routinely caught him studying every single one of Bugs Bunny's cartoons with religious conviction. Yakko clearly had a strong case of denial.
Dot was excited to see Bugs too, just maybe not as much as her older brother. Seriously, who wasn't excited to see Bugs Bunny? It would be a great story for her friends back at JTAP. Dot smirked – it would be especially great as fodder to make Jeanie jealous. Jeanie was by far and away the cattiest girl at JTAP; she was in Wakko's class, the daughter of wealthy parents whose numerous contributions to the school were the only reason that Jeanie even had a seat in that program. She was desperate to sink her claws into fame and stardom, so hearing that Dot had hung out with the biggest cartoon star of all time over the weekend was going to send Jeanie through the roof. Just imagining the look on the Persian cat girl's face was enough to drag Dot out of her gloomy mood. It was enough to make her forget about Skippy for a few moments.
Forgetting about him was hard to do. They hadn't been able to go home and change, so they were still in their funeral clothes. The entire car looked as though it was in mourning. Between their black fur and suits, Yakko and Wakko reminded her uncomfortably of undertakers.
Feeling the car slowing down, Dot opened her eyes. Her ears perked up: directly in front of them was a large gate with an equally large WB across it.
The lot.
"Hey Yakko," Dot called as Buster was showing his ID to the security card.
Yakko, oblivious, continued his rambling, "They ruined what could have actually been the only watchable movie about a bus because they cast that hack – "
"Yakko…" Dot tried again.
" – I mean, did you see Devil's Advocate? The guy has as much personality as a wet cardboard box – "
"Yakko – "
" – and did you hear about that movie the Wachowski brothers are coming out with in March? They cast him as the lead! Granted, I haven't seen the movie yet, so for all I know the story's about a man who has the power to bore everyone to death, in which case he'd be perfect – "
"Yakko!" Dot roared.
Yakko finally stopped to give her a raised eyebrow. "Do you have something to add?" he asked.
"We're here," she answered, exasperated.
Buster had just pulled into the parking lot reserved for special guests and employees. While he and Babs took their time getting out, Wakko and Dot both burst out of the car. Even Yakko was excited in spite of himself, and hurried out behind Wakko. The instant Dot's bare feet touched the familiar asphalt, she felt it: home again. At last.
Three quarters of her short life had been spent on the Warner Brothers lot. It was as though there had been no existence beforehand. There was only the lot, and after the lot. Her memories of their time in the orphanage were sparse, and Yakko and Wakko rarely spoke of it. The Warner Brothers lot, she gathered, was a much brighter span in their lives. Glancing at Wakko, she could tell he was feeling the same; Wakko looked more giddy than he had in a long time, a silly grin spreading across his face. Buster had joined Yakko, muttering, "Brings back memories, huh?"
"This way, troops," Babs directed, leading them to the buildings that held the conference rooms. Various crew members and employees crossed their path, some of them waving, some of them greeting them enthusiastically. Normally Dot would have bounced forward to give them hugs, but she just didn't have it in her right now. Luckily Yakko covered for her, smoothing over her mood with his knack for easy conversation. They made their way to the executive building where, Dot remembered with a small smirk, Plotz lurked in his top floor office. Even though Babs was in the lead, Dot and her brothers could have walked to the building blindfolded. Even having been gone for two years, this lot was still more familiar to her than Manhattan. Then again, Manhattan was a lot bigger.
When they reached the large glass doors, Babs stepped up to the intercom, dialed a few numbers, and buzzed in.
"Who is it?" trilled a Brooklyn accent from the speaker.
"Me and my entourage," Babs answered, her eyes flicking to the rest of them.
"Come on up."
The lock on the door beeped twice, and Babs opened the door for them. As she strode past the vast potted plants, Dot soaked in the nostalgia of the lobby. How many times they'd walked through here…with Plotz being the superintendant of Warner Brothers Tooniversity, getting called to his office to be reprimanded for one thing or another had become nearly routine. Especially for her oldest brother; Dot snorted a bit, remembering Plotz hollering at Yakko for talking the tour guides into believing that there was a secret vault in Plotz's office that held the cryogenically frozen heads of the original Warner Brothers themselves. She and Wakko had been listening to Plotz's outraged bellows and Yakko's snide retorts through the door.
The gathered into the elevator and exited onto the sixth floor, following the trail of maroon carpet to the end of the hallway. Babs knocked smartly on the large mahogany door, and when a voice lisped, "Come in," she led the way inside. The room was long and rectangular, one of Warner Brothers' more spacious conference rooms. Potted plants and framed pictures lined one of the longer walls, while the other was made up of several large window panes that overlooked the lot. The buildings and the water tower were outlined against the setting sun, glowing bright orange in the steadily waning light. In the middle of the room was a dark, oval table surrounded by precisely arranged chairs.
In a chair at the far end was Daffy Duck, who barely even looked up when they came in. He had one feathery elbow on the table and was tapping his fingers impatiently. Next to him was Sylvester, who gave them an apathetic wave before returning to whisper to Daffy. Across from them was none other than Thaddeus Plotz, their old boss, who gave them a comfortingly familiar glare. He had not changed one bit, both in looks and demeanor. Pinky and Brain were perched on the table next to him, and beside them was Minerva Mink. Dot looked up at Yakko. He already had his eyes locked on her. Dot rolled her eyes: Minerva was way too old for him, Yakko had better calm down before he embarrassed himself.
A few seats down from Minerva was Shirley McLoon, who waved with not one, but two hands.
"Like, hi guys!" she shrieked, tapping the seats next to her, "Sit next to me, I missed you like, so much! Whoa, look at you guys, you didn't go home to like, change first? Your drab dress is totally bumming out my vibes."
"I'm sure your vibes will perk up eventually, Shirl my girl," Babs assured her, grabbing a seat next her. The rest of them followed suit. Miraculously, Yakko somehow managed to wind up in the seat next to Minerva and was already talking to her. Dot groaned. This had the potential to be a long evening.
"Where's Bugs?" Buster asked, sitting down next to Babs.
"Excellent question," Daffy grumbled, looking at his watch.
"He was like, just here a minute ago," Shirley added.
"He had to make a phone call on the phone!" Pinky proclaimed exuberantly. Behind him, Brain sighed and shook his head before stepping forward. "Mr. Bunny will return momentarily. He is attending to his personal affairs," Brain told them, eying them from beneath his large frontal lobe.
"Gotcha, Brainiac," Buster said, then turned to Shirley. "So Shirley, what brings you to this super secret brain trust meeting?"
"Like, no idea," Shirley answered, "I hope it doesn't take forever, I've got a story due tomorrow and my editor will like, lose her absolute mind if I don't get it in on time."
Buster's ears perked up. He leaned across Babs and whispered, "A story huh? You didn't hear anything more about Slappy did you?"
This time it was Dot's ears that perked up. Shirley knew something about what happened to Slappy? And no one said anything to her, Skippy's friend? Dot noticed that Wakko was suddenly engrossed in the conversation, but that Yakko was trying to catch Buster's eye, shaking his head frantically as he did so. Dot narrowed her eyes. Was Yakko hiding something from her? Did he know something too? She suppressed a growl; that would be just like him, to assume, once again, that she was too young, too naïve, too stupid to handle things. It was the very height of hypocrisy. He grew up doing things he was too young to do – managing contracts, living on his own, running around with girls, raising two younger children – why did she have to any different, any less capable?
Shirley, unaware of Yakko's silent but wild attempts to quiet her, said, "Sorry Buster, I told you guys everything I know. Besides, I think I'd like, be incarcerated if I told you anything."
"Are the cops still on your tail about it?" Babs asked quietly, eyeing the others at the table.
"Oh God yeah. It like, totally sucks. They put my column on probation – I can't write anything interesting about anyone anymore. And to make sure I didn't write anything juicy they have me contributing to the business section. Now all I get to write about is old geezers like, buying more stock. Yuck."
Dot slumped back in her seat. That was useless.
Buster, looking disappointed as well, said, "Bummer, Shirley," before leaning back and resting his feet on the table.
Instantly Plotz's beady eyes zeroed in on Buster's big feet, flicking between them and the pristine mahogany tabletop.
"Get your filthy feet off of my table you spoiled brat!" he shrieked, a vein emerging near his temple.
"Aw c'mon Plotzy!" Buster whined, but he dropped his feet to the floor.
Seconds later, Yakko plunked his own feet on the table. Dot grinned at him, and he winked back at her.
"I don't even want to start with you," Plotz growled, pointing a stubby finger at Yakko, "You did nothing but encourage your friend over here. Didn't you just hear what I said about his feet on my table?"
"Yes, but I didn't hear you say anything about my feet," Yakko said snidely.
"Your feet, his feet, no one's feet belong on this table, you lunatic!"
Dot lifted her leg and planted a single toe on the table. "What about toes?" she asked.
"Or tails?" Wakko asked as well, placing his own on the table.
Dot giggled along with Shirley and Babs. Minerva just rolled her eyes, looking bored, while Daffy muttered something to Sylvester about needing to "invest in a playpen." Plotz, who reminded Dot of a kernel about to pop, opened his mouth to yell when the door opened. Scratchensniff entered the room, followed by Yosemite Sam and Porky Pig. Dot and her brothers waved to Scratchensniff, who sat down close to them and Porky. Yosemite grabbed a seat, dragged it noisily to a far corner of the room, and sat himself down with his arms crossed.
Dot watched him for a moment. Why didn't he want to sit with everyone else? What a grump.
"Where's the rabbit?" Yosemite grunted.
"Wouldn't we all like to know," Daffy answered, inspecting his nails.
"Right here, duck."
Dot turned in her seat. Yakko turned so fast she heard his back pop. Closing the door behind him was Bugs Bunny, snapping his cell phone shut and wearing a half smirk.
"About time!" Daffy snapped, "You drag us out here – on a Saturday night, mind you – stuff us into this hideous bungalow and then don't have the decency to show up on time!"
"What do you mean, 'hideous bungalow?'" Plotz snarled.
Bugs smirked at Daffy, walking towards him to get to the head of the table. "C'mon Daff, what else would you be doing?"
"Believe it or not, rabbit, some of us have plans on a Saturday night. Not all of us can sit chastely in the Warner Brother's lot, twiddling our thumbs and waiting for our next paycheck."
Bugs sat down next to Daffy, pulling out some papers from behind his back. "You didn't have any plans tonight."
"What makes you so sure? I'll have you know my social calendar is completely booked."
Not looking away from his papers, Bugs replied, "The only reason your social calendar is booked is because I'm the one who books it."
"What a flagrant lie – "
"Shush, child," Bugs said to him, looking up from his papers to gesture to the rest of the table, "you have an audience."
Plotz slapped his hands on the table. "If you two are finished flirting, I'd like to move along with this so-called 'meeting.' I'm an incredibly busy man – you should know this better than anyone, Bugs."
"No worries doc, we'll get down to business in a sec," Bugs said brightly, his easy countenance contrasting with Plotz's malevolent scowl. He looked across the table to other end, where Dot and her brothers sat. "Warner brothers – and sister – it's a shame about the circumstances, but it's good to see ya."
Hoping that Yakko wasn't going to wet himself over being addressed by his idol and embarrass the three of them, Dot simply gave Bugs and award-winning smile. What a nice guy –
"Now I know you two ain't gonna like this, but Wakko and Dot, I'm gonna have to ask you to step out for a little bit while we talk."
"What?" Dot and Wakko yelped simultaneously.
"Sorry you two, I can't make any exceptions. This is gonna be boring anyway, I wish I could skip out on this too," Bugs said consolingly.
Dot did a double take. Nice guy? Nice guy? Screw nice guy, Bugs was a low down, dirty, snake in the grass –
"Please let us stay, we promise we won't say anything! Maybe I could help!" Dot pleaded, making sure to crank up the charm. A little begging never hurt.
"At least let me stay, I'm older," Wakko pointed out.
Dot rounded on him. "Hey!"
Daffy leaned back in his chair and folded his arms, arching an eyebrow at Bugs. Plotz, on the other hand, leaned forward on the table aggressively, growling, "You heard him, now step out of this office before I make you leave! I'm not having your childish tantrums delay my evening any further!"
"You're not our boss anymore," Wakko retorted.
"Knock it off Wak," Yakko chided.
Placing his palms together, Bugs looked directly at Yakko and said quietly, "Can you do something about this?"
Dot snapped her gaze to her oldest brother and grinned. Yakko. Her trump card. It didn't matter how much he venerated the rabbit, there was no way would Yakko stand for this, he would never pick some celebrity over her and Wakko –
"Sibs," Yakko said, turning to them, "do you mind just hanging around the lot for a bit until this is done?"
Dot felt her jaw drop. First Bugs Bunny turns out to be a jerk, and now this? What the hell was this, the Twilight Zone?
"Gee Yakko, thanks for the support," Dot snapped acidly.
Wakko clenched his fists on the table and faced his brother. "Yakko, what the hell? I'm old enough, why are you treating me like a baby – "
"Because you're acting like one," Yakko hissed quietly, getting to his feet and gently nudging them out of their seats.
"Don't fret now, kidses," Scratchensniff implored, "this won't be long, you can have lots of fun exploring the lot."
Dot didn't bother to hide her eye roll. Explore the lot? As if she had never done that during the six years she lived there?
"Yeah dude, you've got free reign, go check out the girl's dressing rooms!" Buster encouraged. Then he yelped in pain as Babs slapped him in the back of the head.
As Yakko urged her out of her seat, a part of Dot wanted to firmly plant her tail back in her chair and pout. This was a horrible treachery of siblinghood, to be sold out for a chance to salivate over a star they barely knew. But feeling the multiple eyes in the room boring into her, Dot inhaled deeply and decided not to make a scene. She'd get Yakko back for this later. After all, now she had all evening to come up with a plan.
"C'mon guys, do this for me, please?" Yakko pleaded softly.
"Yeah. Sure. Anything for you, Benedict," Dot snapped.
"This is bull," Wakko muttered.
Yakko leaned in close to them, whispering in their ears so no one else could hear, "Look, I'll tell you everything I hear when we're back at Buster's, okay? Now just hang out around the lot, and don't go too far, promise?"
Answering him with glares, Dot and Wakko stormed out of the room. Yakko managed to get in a "And stay out of trouble!" before Dot, feeling incredibly betrayed, slammed the door behind them.
Not sure which he was feeling more, guilty or embarrassed, Yakko sat back down. He was going to catch hell from both of siblings later. If he knew Dot, she was probably plotting her revenge this very moment.
"That was handled well, Solomon," Babs muttered.
Yakko shot her a glare before saying, "Eh, sorry everyone…"
"It looks as though those two heathens are even less behaved than they were two years ago," Plotz jeered.
"Yeah, you'd think with all your etiquette lessons they'd have picked up a thing or two," Yakko drawled back.
Plotz opened his mouth furiously, but Bugs cut across him. "Plotz, weren't you the one who wanted to get this meeting goin'?"
With one final smoldering look, Plotz grumbled, "Fine," and settled back into his seat. He was so short Yakko could barely see his head poking above the table.
"Alrighty folks," Bugs announced, picking up his voice a tad. The muffled mumbling in the room quickly fell silent. Daffy elbowed Sylvester, who had fallen asleep, and the cat jerked awake with a "I didn't do it!"
"Sorry to do this on such short notice – I know some of us have incredibly active social lives," Bugs said, his eyes darting between Plotz and Daffy, "so I'll get right down to business. There are a few particulars I want to discuss, especially while we've got everyone in one place. You all must have at least some idea why we're here: we lost a very talented woman and a dear friend on Thursday. Everyone in this room knew Slappy, so everyone has an idea of what we lost."
Pinky sniffled slightly. Brain offered him a tissue, which he took and blew his nose loudly.
Bugs continued, "As most of you I'm sure are aware, there has been some eh, dispute over how Slappy was taken from us. At best, the circumstances are fishy. I'm gonna cut right to the chase, folks – there's enough evidence to suggest that Slappy's passing was neither accidental nor natural."
Yakko and Buster shared a quick look. No one in the room seemed particularly surprised, but everyone was paying close attention to Bugs now.
"From what I've gathered," Bugs continued, "we've all heard mixed things. Shirley, I'm told you were at the scene. Can you tell us what you know?"
Looking startled that she had been the first to be addressed, Shirley sat up straight in her chair and pulled a notepad from behind her back. She flipped through the pages of notes before she tapped a page with her finger. "Like, here it is. Okay, this is what I have," she said, scanning her notes. "They found Slappy in Toontown, a mile from her house. She was under a bridge, a homeless guy found her or some junk. So totally awful. This was like, six o'clock in the morning. I got there after cops did, but I was only out there because Julie Bruin definitely just got busted for possession, like, again, but this time she totally bolted – "
"Girl, focus," Daffy prompted her.
"Oh, right. Anyway, there were like, cops everywhere, and I heard them talking about finding a body, but like, no hint of a suspect, just a really horrendous smell. So I asked them what was going on, you know, in my reporter voice. But the officer said he totally couldn't tell me, so I tried to sweet talk him, you know? He was super cute, but like he probably could have done without the facial hair – "
"Shirley!" Bugs, Yakko, Buster and Babs all said at once
"Oh my God, sorry! Okay, so the cute one told me they ID'ed the victim as Slappy, and I started bawling my eyes out of course, and he was comforting me and some junk when this other, way more unfortunate-looking officer told me to bug off. I tried using my press pass, but then he forced me out and told me not to write one word about it. And that, like, was that," Shirley finished.
Yakko massaged his temples. Listening to Shirley talk for more than two minutes gave him a headache.
"And the cops didn't find a thing? Not one darn clue? What are we paying taxes for?" Sylvester demanded.
"S-sounds like the police have their w-work cut out, c-cut cut out, c – sounds like it's going to be difficult," Porky pointed out.
"Did ya get a look at the body?" Daffy asked eagerly.
Bugs looked skyward. "Tactful, Daff."
"Ew, no way," Shirley replied.
Scratchensniff frowned, the wrinkles in his forehead deepening. "The autopsy, is it complete?"
"Only released that info to the family, I checked," Bugs said, "which leads to my next question: has anyone heard anything as far as that department goes?"
Yakko swallowed. Wishing this didn't have to be the first sentence he spoke to Bugs this evening, he said, "We talked to Montana Max at the viewing today. I don't know if this is true – this is Max we're talking about – but he seemed to believe that she was found with a decent amount of chemical burns."
That was putting it lightly.
Daffy grimaced, and Sylvester sprayed spittle everywhere as he said, "That's preposterous!"
With a heavy sigh, Bugs pressed his fingers against his temples and mumbled, "That's what I was afraid of."
"You think that pinhead rich boy was telling the truth? He'd say anything if it made people look at his ugly mug," Buster exclaimed.
"I'll have you know that Montana Max was and is an asset to this studio!" Plotz interjected.
"Yeah, maybe for the accounting department," Yakko muttered under his breath.
Plotz's attention snapped to Yakko like an animal who had just sniffed prey. "What was that, Warner?"
Ignoring them, Porky said, "I don't know fellas, that boy's family is made up of patha – p-p-pathlog – patha – pathologic – they're a bunch of fibbers."
"Like it or not, that pinhead rich boy and his family's got connections," Bugs said, "He's the youngest of the Max Empire, and they're better connected than a telephone operator. Plus, it fits in exactly with part two of my little speech."
He grabbed the stack of papers sitting in front of him and tossed them to Plotz. "Pass those around," Bugs ordered, then continued, "I've got a south-of-the-border source that brought this to my attention. It appears that La Caricatura, Mexico's one and only toon-operated city, is having some problems of its own."
Once they were done examining the papers Plotz and Brain passed them off to Minerva, who barely glanced at them before dumping the pile in Yakko's lap. He gathered them up, and Buster and Babs both leaned over to inspect them. The papers were photocopies of what looked to be clippings from a Mexican newspaper. While it was written in Spanish, certain portions were highlighted with the English translation handwritten in the margins. Brain had even made a few additions himself just now.
One article showcased a large picture of a weeping coyote toon woman, surrounded by Mexican toon law enforcement. Another far more chilling photograph showed an investigator hunched over what looked like toon remains: a large, dark patch of ink beneath what might have once been a body. "Ugh," he heard Buster groan.
The headline of the article, translated, read "Electoral candidate Santiago Rosa found dead, four toons go missing." Yakko quickly looked scanned the article for the date. It had been written three weeks ago.
"This Rosa guy," Babs started, still skimming the article, "it doesn't say here…but I've gotta say that doesn't look like a heart attack. Do you think it was some sort of acid?"
"According to my source, yes. A severe chemical burn from head to foot," Bugs said, then faced Scratchensniff, "You got any thoughts on this, doc?"
Scratchensniff, looking weary, responded, "Toons are very resilient, as you know, it eez very strange for a chemical to cause such a complete devastation. It would have to be a very large amount of something corrosive, perhaps TurpenZero or DIP, but those are incredibly illegal."
"Somehow I don't think 'illegal' would matter much to a murderer," Daffy pointed out.
Brain walked toward the middle of the table, and said, "The article is a cursory account of what happened. It gives little insight to the candidate's death, and does not even provide the names of those missing."
"How is anyone supposed to find them then?" Yakko asked.
"Exactly," Brain said, "which leads me to believe that the omissions were not an accident. What does your 'source' say about the status of corruption in La Caricatura's press and law enforcement, Mr. Bunny?"
Bugs leaned on an elbow. "Just call me Bugs, alright? But to answer your question, my guy tells me that the status ain't good. We've got a high level of sleaze going on in their police force, which I'm sure is leaning on the press. We're talking about the toon drug capital of the world here. Everything gets pushed under the rug."
"So why Rosa? It says he was running for mayor…what was his platform?" Yakko asked.
"Good question doc," Bugs said, "I asked my guy the same thing. He said that Rosa was bent on cleaning up the act. Purge corruption and all the jazz. And he was going to start by firing the entire police force."
"I'm sure that announcement went over well," Yakko said sarcastically.
Bugs snorted. "About as well as you might guess."
"What a blithering idiot, what did he expect? He was asking for it!" Plotz exclaimed.
"You think he was asking to be murdered?" Bugs asked calmly.
"I, well, what I mean to say is – "
"Save it Tubs, we got a real caper on our hands," Daffy said, "What does Speed – I mean, your source say about whodunit?"
Bugs eyed Daffy for a moment before saying, "That's where we're drawing blanks again. Not a single clue. Minerva, you were Slappy's neighbor, have you noticed anything suspicious lately? Any unusual visitors, anything out of the ordinary in the neighborhood?"
Yakko had no protest against turning his attention to Minerva. It had been about four years since he'd last seen her, and that was four years too long. She had, if possible, gotten more attractive. Minerva had been barely seventeen when she shot her first short for Animaniacs, leaving an unfortunate age gap between the two of them. But that had never stopped Yakko from catching peeks at her between takes, or from hurtling him through puberty at the speed of light.
It was a shame that Minerva's personality wasn't as flawless as her body; she had been known to throw tantrums on set if her coffee wasn't made with skim milk, and she was exceptionally talented at demolishing the self esteem of every girl under sixteen on the lot, as well as several men over thirty. She never apologized for being late to a shoot and had been a source of perpetual whining during the filming for Wakko's Wish. She would complain about being cold, which was odd, considering that half the time they used fake snow.
But that didn't matter. Yakko placed Minerva in the same category as Rebecca: annoying but gorgeous.
Minerva flipped her curtain of golden hair over shoulder and gazed at Bugs beneath thick, black lashes. "Not a thing, Bugs. She would drop that boy of hers off at school, work in the garden, pick him back up again, harass the mailman…nothing weird at all. I mean, we all know she was real old, isn't it a teensy bit possible that Slappy might've just gotten confused? There's a lot of nasty men out there who go after little, senile old ladies."
Minerva leaned forward strategically to emphasize both her point and her cleavage. Daffy adopted a dreamy look on her face said, "Yeah…maybe…that makes sense" and seemed ready to agree to anything Minerva said. But Bugs, unfazed, said, "I doubt it. As her neighbor I'm sure you picked up on the fact that Slappy was still pretty sharp, despite being 'real old.'"
"Just a theory," Minerva said defensively, leaning back and covering her chest with her arms. Yakko sighed, disappointed.
"So, to review our progress," Daffy drawled, "We've got two loosely related crimes with no suspect and no motive for either, we don't know what weapon was used and we don't even know who half the victims are...why, I think it was Professor Plum in the billiard room with the candlestick, Bugs!"
"What we know is that whoever did this is a master at covering their tracks…Sam, what are your thoughts?" Bugs asked.
Yakko turned to the corner of the room. He had completely forgotten that Yosemite Sam was even there. The man's dark eyes, framed by his black mask, surveyed everyone in the room as though deciding if they were worthy enough to speak in front of. Finally, he muttered in his gruff voice, "I'm a'thinkin' this was the work of a professional. This ain't no common thief, this took planning, and lots of it. Yeh can't leave nary a scrap of evidence and not have meant it every step of the way. Slappy must have gone and got herself tangled up with some no good varmits, I reckon."
"That doesn't seem like her," Yakko said cautiously.
"I ain't sayin' she set out to do it, I'm a'sayin' she coulda tripped over somethin' she ought not to," Sam countered.
Yakko frowned, still unconvinced. The Slappy he remembered was incredibly bright – too smart to get caught up in something illegal or secret. What was more, she was viciously protective of Skippy…why would she chance anything that had the potential to affect her beloved nephew?
"Gee Sammy, thanks for the advice," Daffy drawled, "Slappy crossed paths with some bad guys, you say? I would have never guessed!"
Yosemite jumped to his feet – a rather anticlimactic move, Yakko thought, as Yosemite was so short he had been taller sitting on the chair – and withdrew his pistols. "You wanna say that again, feather brain?"
"Calm down you two or I'll send you out with the other two kids," Bugs chastised, "I think Sam brings up an excellent point: Slappy had all the street smarts in the world, probably more than all of us in this room combined. She was a very talented Class A. But even she got mixed up in something horrible that we can't figure out. So that means whatever we're up against is just as crafty, or at least pretty damn ruthless. Ergo, my friends, we have to be on guard, we have to be watchful, and we have to be discreet – I'm talking to you duck."
"What are you on, 'discreet' is my middle name – "
"Yeah okay Daff. Anyway, it's getting late folks, and we've all had a long day. I'm gonna leave you all with a homework assignment. Daff, Sylvester, and Porky, you know your gig: keep everyone in the loop, and put those big mouths of yours to good use and get all the scoop you can."
Sylvester and Porky saluted, Daffy just muttered, "Yeah yeah yeah…"
Bugs continued to go around the table, "Scratchensniff, Brain, Pinky? Find out what you can about chemicals and toons, specifically those two you mentioned, and see what it takes to get a hold of them. Ingredients, sources, whatever you can find out. Plotz, talk to your boys, see what they say. And keep an eye on the lot. Minerva, warn your neighborhood if they don't already know, and talk to your neighbors. Maybe they picked up on something you didn't. Shirley, work that press pass of yours, and keep your ears open at the press. Babs, Buster, listen in on what your crowd has to say, especially that Max kid. And keep in touch with Warner here."
Bugs focused his eyes on Yakko, who straightened in his chair rather quickly.
"You're living in Manhattan now, right? Prefer Brooklyn myself, but that's a bias I guess…listen, when you go back there, I want you to keep your eyes peeled. Los Angeles and La Caricatura have both been struck, and New York is America's second biggest toon population. I know it's a big city, but just be as observant as you can, and report back to Buster, Babs, or myself, got it?"
"Got it," Yakko said, wanting to add something more clever but finding his mind unusually blank. Damn his one celebrity weakness.
"Good to hear it. And Sam, you remember what we talked about before? Good. Okay everyone – meeting adjourned. Thanks for coming out guys, I appreciate it. Daffy, feel free to attend to your social calendar now."
"Finally," Plotz grumbled, jumping down from his seat as everyone got to their feet. He bustled past Yakko, elbowing him in the knees as he did so.
"I missed you too Plotzy," Yakko called after the man's retreating frame.
Sylvester was chatting with Porky, while Pinky and Brain had joined Scratchensniff in conversation. Buster was still trying to coax nonexistent information out of Shirley. Sam was – well, Yosemite Sam was already gone. Bugs and Daffy were side by side, talking in low tones between saying their goodbyes. Yakko met them at the doorway.
"Hey kid, thanks for coming out, I know you and your siblings probably have a plane to catch," Bugs said.
Ignoring the 'kid' part, Yakko said, "No problem. Listen, is there anything else you want me to do? I can help out, I can – "
"Don't worry about it doc," Bugs said with a dismissive wave of his hand, "We got it under control."
"No really, I mean it. Slappy was a friend of mine, of all of ours. She was our first friend on the lot. I want to do whatever I can, just give me a chance – "
"That's real cute, but I don't think this is your type of ballgame," said Bugs, not stopping, still heading out the door. He said it with the air of speaking to an overeager child. Feeling a flicker of annoyance, Yakko met him step for step, and followed him to the elevator.
"Listen, Bugs, I'm not some wide-eyed little kid. I can do more than just play lookout," he pressed.
Daffy was jabbing the elevator button impatiently as if this would make the elevator hurry. Barely glancing at Yakko, Bugs said over his shoulder, "Look, kid, I appreciate it, but my crew and I have been around the block a couple times." The elevator doors opened and the two veteran stars stepped insides. Bugs continued, "Leave it to us, just go back to Broadway, okay? Watch those sibling a' yours."
The doors slid shut, and Bugs and Daffy disappeared from view.
Yakko swallowed, disappointment coursing through him. That had stung. Bad. He had looked up to Bugs since Animaniacs, before that even, but for Bugs to think of him as nothing but a naïve, child star…
Was this what Wakko and Dot felt like?
Catching a whiff of strong perfume, Yakko found Minerva beside him, waiting for the next elevator. Her body was outlined by a clingy black cocktail dress that Yakko assumed she had tried to double as funeral-appropriate. This kind of irreverent behavior from Minerva was not unusual.
"Where you off to?" Yakko asked without really thinking. His brain seemed to go on vacation around girls.
Minerva didn't even spare him a glance. "Out."
"With friends?"
"Bingo."
"Anyone I know?"
Minerva looked at him over the curve of her snowy shoulder, one hand balanced on her hip.
"Honey, my friends were getting fake IDs when you were learning to tie your shoes," she said before she strode into the open elevator. Yakko watched her hips swing back and forth until the doors closed and he was left, standing there, stunned and frustrated.
For the second time in less than five minutes he hadn't managed to get the last word in. Maybe he was losing his touch.
"Nice try, stud," a voice cooed in his ear. Babs was behind him now. He didn't know how long she was there or what she saw, but the traces of a smirk on her lips was all the confirmation Yakko needed.
"Why thank you," he said sarcastically.
Two rejections in one evening. That might be a record.
Wakko looked down. He was over seventy feet in the air – the pavement below seemed miles away. He grinned as a light breeze ruffled his tail and ears. How could Yakko possibly forbid him from doing this when it was so much fun?
Back when they had been filming, Yakko had expressly forbidden Wakko from doing the very thing he was doing right now: dangling from the topmost beam of the water tower like a monkey. While he had never said anything about doing it now that they were older, Wakko was pretty sure Yakko would have an aneurism if he found out. God only knew why; Wakko was a Class B toon – soon to be a Class A Candidate, hopefully – a simple fall from this height couldn't possibly hurt him. But then again, it was Yakko.
Yakko was allergic to anything potentially dangerous, especially when it came to him or Dot. Wakko continued to sway from the metal bar, his gloved hands sliding along it easily. He loved to swing his feet as he gazed at the Burbank skyline, glistening in the night, or get caught up in a good wind that gently rolled him around like a kite. It was weirdly relaxing. Yakko of all people should try it, he never relaxed. Ever. He was the only person Wakko had ever met who could be cool as a cucumber on the outside but a gigantic ball of stress on the inside. And Yakko, for all his toon prowess and Class A status, rarely took advantage of his own skills and chose to be cautious instead.
Wakko had decided climb the tower shortly after he and Dot had been kicked out of the meeting. It was an insult; Yakko had sat in on executive meetings when he was fifteen, why couldn't he? And it seemed like they were going to talk about Slappy…after what Montana Max had said, a morbid part of him was very curious. Not only that, but Yakko had been a willing participant in their exile. Traitor.
He was already mad when they were booted out of the meeting, so it didn't help when no less than thirty seconds later Dot was on the phone with her friends, shrieking and laughing, rubbing it in his face, again, about how much more popular she was. He snapped at her, she yelled at him, they bickered, he left.
But now he was up in the sky, no one could bother him. He could forget about his annoying sister, his traitorous older brother, his lack of friends, everything. There was nothing to feel self-conscious about up here. There was no one judging him. There was nothing to feel stupid about. He was totally alone.
"Wakko?"
Yakko's voice echoed from behind a building in the distance. So much for that.
Sighing, Wakko let himself drop from the beam. As he plummeted downward, he used his tail to wrap around one of the four main support beams. He slid down the beam like a fireman, and before he hit the ground his toon instincts took over and he landed, squashing a bit, before his body bounced back into its solid state. He then shoved his hands in his pockets and trudged toward the sound of Yakko's voice.
"Wakko! Dot, would you hang up the phone, I've asked you three times now…Wakko! Wak – oh, there you are," Yakko said, spotting him as he rounded a corner. Dot was with him, as well as Buster and Babs. Buster and Babs were arguing about something, and Dot was still powering away on the phone.
"C'mon bud, we're bustin' this popsicle stand," Yakko told him, snatching Dot's phone out of her hands as he did so. Dot yelped in protest, but Yakko just tossed it behind his back, muttering, "Think I didn't notice you stealing it outta my pocket last time, missy?"
Wakko half expected flames to shoot out Dot's eyes at this statement. She skipped right over trying to pout her way into getting what she wanted to gnashing her teeth and grumbling something nasty under her breath. Yakko ignored her with ease and herded their group to Buster's car.
As the three of them slid into the backseat, Yakko asked, "How's the lot? Did everything fall to pot in our absence?"
"Lot's fine," Wakko said, brushing past the question, "So what happened, what did you guys talk about?"
"You waste no time, man," Buster laughed as he turned on the ignition.
"He said he'd tell us everything after the meeting, right Yakko?" Dot said pointedly.
Babs peered at Yakko over her seat. "Did he now?"
"Chill out Babs, what's the big deal if they know?" Buster countered.
Her eyes flashed. "I never said it was a big deal, I was just surprised Yakko would promise that!"
"Why is that surprising? He's their brother, not their principal!"
"Thanks for pointing that out Buster, I had no idea!"
Ignoring their arguing, Yakko turned back to his brother and sister. "Cool your jets sibs, I'll tell you about it when we get home..."
Dot pointed an accusing finger at him. "I knew it! I knew you were lying!
"No way are you backing out of this!" Wakko asserted, already feeling the old indignation flaring up.
"Would you relax, I'm not lying and I'm not backing out! Jesus, we're barely out of the parking lot!" Yakko snapped.
"So why can't you tell us now?" Wakko asked, gesturing wildly, "It's not like it's a secret to these guys!"
"Because, brother dearest, maybe they don't want to spend the whole ride home rehashing what we just talked about for the last hour," Yakko said, sounding annoyingly superior.
"Lies! All lies!" came Dot's rebuke.
Yakko arched an eyebrow at her. "Do I sense dissention in the ranks?"
"You're just trying to avoid the subject! You don't have any good reason not to tell us about the meeting!"
"Maybe my reasoning might have something to do with your maturity, or lack thereof," Yakko mused. He was using his I'm-about-to-lay-down-the-law voice.
"Oh c'mon," Wakko griped, "You already kicked us out of the meeting, why don't you kick us out of the car too."
Yakko sighed . "Trust me, it's already crossed my mind."
"I never thought I'd see the day when Yakko, my beloved older brother who I respected so much, would sell out his baby sister for a brush with fame," Dot moaned.
Wakko rolled his eyes. Even when they weren't at JTAP, Dot still had to be an actress. He prayed that Yakko didn't fall for it – if he did, Wakko feared he might lose all respect for his older brother. Unfortunately, Yakko was eyeing Dot with a small amount of concern, as though he was afraid she would have a breakdown. Or that she was mentally unsound. One of the two. Buster and Babs were still bickering rapidly up in the front seats. Wakko was trying not to listen – it was none of his business – but their voices were at an angry pitch. They were barreling down the city streets, and Buster kept taking his eyes off the road to shoot some retort back in Babs' face. It was more than once now that Buster had to swerve wildly back into his lane.
"All this time I thought I was more important to you than some celebrity," Dot continued melodramatically, "I guess…I was wrong."
"Keep this up and I'm dropping you out of acting lessons, you don't need them," Yakko said.
Wakko shook his head. "No way, are you seeing this? She needs them more than ever."
"Shove it, Wakko!" Dot yelled, immediately snapping out of her woebegone state.
"Watch it young lady," Yakko warned, voice dropping slightly.
Dot crossed her arms, glaring at Wakko with all the venom she could muster. "It's not my fault he's a stupid piece of sh – "
"Look out!" Babs shrieked suddenly.
The tires squealed shrilly on the road, Babs screamed, and the next thing Wakko knew he was thrust headfirst into the front seat. He hit it, hard, before ricocheting back into his own seat. It all happened so fast that even his toon instincts hadn't reacted. He could already tell that his face was going to be sore.
"Is everyone okay?" Yakko yelled out. He turned to Wakko and Dot frantically. "Sibs? You okay? Did you hit your head? How many fingers am I holding up? It's okay Dot, calm down – Wakko, why aren't you wearing your seatbelt – "
"Well we're stopped now!" Wakko pointed out.
"Put it on anyway!" Yakko ordered. He then unbuckled his own and hoisted himself forward, which appeared difficult considering that Dot was clinging to his jacket like a lifeline.
"Buster, Babs, you guys okay?" Yakko breathed.
"Yeah man," Buster said, albeit shakily. He was still gripping the steering wheel. "Babs distracted me."
Sparing him a single glower, Babs put both hands on the dashboard as she scanned the road. "Where did it go?"
"Where did what go?" Yakko asked.
"Some guy, he was just walking out in the middle of the road, looked like a toon…"
Dot whimpered, clutching Yakko tighter. But Wakko stood up awkwardly and stuck his head between Yakko's and the headrest on Buster's seat, searching the pavement. They were stopped in the middle of the road on the outskirts of Toontown. To their right was a vacant car lot. On the left was a small field of evergreens – Pete's Christmas Tree lot, Wakko realized suddenly. They reminded him of rows of dark soldiers, watching them in the night. In the rearview mirror he could see the dark tire tracks they left behind.
"There!" Dot cried suddenly.
He jumped at her voice. At first, Wakko couldn't see what she was pointing at. He saw nothing but the empty street. But then a black mass stumbled out of the shadows and into the beams of the headlights.
"Who the hell is that?" Buster whispered.
"It's a weasel," Babs pointed out.
Buster shook his head. "No, I don't think so…"
"Yeah Ears, it is, he looks like one of the guys from Roger Rabbit," Yakko said.
Wakko looked closer. Yakko was right, it was a weasel toon that looked a lot like one of the guys who played Dr. Doom's henchmen in Who Framed Roger Rabbit. But he wasn't looking so good…the weasel was wearing nothing but a long, dirty shirt that hung at his knees. It didn't appear as though he was wearing any pants. He was missing chunks of fur, and his snout was crooked as though it had just been broken. He was stumbling around, his eyes unfocused, looking as though he had no idea where he was. Wakko noticed that his mouth was moving rapidly; the weasel appeared to be talking, shouting even, but he didn't even seem to notice the car in front of them. Wakko chewed on his lip; having grown up in California he was no stranger to homeless people, but the really crazy ones had always made him a bit uncomfortable.
"Maybe we should help him," Babs said.
"Yeah right," Buster and Yakko muttered.
She placed her hands on her hips. "You guys are heartless, he clearly needs help!"
"If you mean at a mental institution, then yeah," Yakko said.
"Forget it Babs," Buster sighed, "You can't take every homeless person you see home like a pet."
Babs' ears flattened dangerously. "Did I ever say anything about taking him home? You know Buster sometimes you really make me – "
"I'll see if he needs anything," Yakko said loudly, drowning out the ensuing argument. "Here Wak, move over."
Wakko and Yakko shuffled around awkwardly so Yakko could get to the window.
"Yakko, be careful!" Dot whispered fearfully.
"Don't worry Dot, I'm not even getting out of the car," Yakko assured her. He pressed a button to lower the window before sticking his head out of it.
"Hey mac, ya better get off the road, you're gonna get hit!" Yakko shouted to the weasel.
The weasel, obviously startled, looked around for the source of the noise. It did not seem to occur to him to look towards the car. Then, finally, his ink-shot eyes landed on Yakko. He squinted, staggering slightly as he tried to focus. Seconds later, his eyes widened to the point that his pupils were specks in the headlights, making him look crazier than he already did.
"N-not you, n-n-not you again!" the weasel screamed at the top of his lungs, pointing a slim finger at Yakko. He then turned around so fast that he fell over. Scrambling to his feet, he tried to sprint at a toon rate of speed, but couldn't manage it. So he simply ran instead, and his screams faded away as he disappeared into the darkness.
The five of them watched the weasel until he vanished. Yakko sat back down, closing the window. He looked at them. His brow was furrowed.
"Was it something I said?" he asked.