4. It's Friday, Friday

June 3rd

Office of the Hokage
Administrative Sector
The Academy

Dear Mr. Yakushi,

Thank you for your application for the position of clerical assistant. We would be grateful if you could attend an interview at the above address on June 11th, at 9:00am.

The rest of the letter was covered by Tenzou's face. He had fallen asleep at the tiny dining table, next to a cup of coffee that had now gone cold. Last night, he and Azami had stayed up a little too late drinking her homemade cocktails and watching reality TV. He'd crawled to bed after four in the morning. It was now June 11th, about five minutes to nine.

He was still in his underwear.

Now someone was prying the letter out from underneath his sweaty cheek; he gave a disgruntled kind of gurgle and lifted his head for a moment. Then he let his face flop back down onto the table.

"You do know that your interview starts in four minutes, don't you?" Kabuto said, and Tenzou's eyes shot open. He sat back in his chair, looking across the room to where Azami lay on the sofa, staring at him like he was a total moron, which was a fairly accurate assessment.

"Wha'dayzit?" he mumbled, and Azami snorted, rubbing her eyes.

"Friday. June eleventh. I think there's somewhere you're supposed to be," she snapped, and Tenzou briefly wondered why she wasn't as wrecked as he was. She was made of steel, he guessed, and he was made of… sponge.

"I'll get something for you to wear," Kabuto said briskly. In an attempt to look like he was ready for action, Tenzou heaved himself out of his chair and stood up. He hadn't exactly forgotten about the interview; his mind had stuffed it into its deepest recesses, in a box labelled 'Things to worry about later'. He should probably start writing these things down, he realised, rubbing one eye with the back of his hand.

"Tenzou, I can smell you from here," said Azami, and Tenzou took the far-from-subtle hint and shuffled into the bathroom.

It wasn't as though he much cared about interior decoration, but their bathroom was pretty much beautiful. A dark blue mosaic tiled the walls, and the shower was separated from the rest of the room by a screen that was painted with a detailed mural of some mountains. Kabuto must have had a shower already, because the room was hot and humid, the mirror was covered in condensation, and there was a delicate lavender scent stuck in the air. Tenzou stumbled across the marble tiles to the sink, and wiped away the fog on the mirror only to immediately wish he hadn't.

Staring back at him was a panda-eyed tousle-haired loser. The funniest part was that he even had a spatter of stubble, but it was pathetically clustered at the corners of his mouth. He had about a nanogram of testosterone in his entire body, so it made sense. It took less than five seconds to clear the prickly mess from his mouth with the swipe of a razor; he knew he didn't have enough time to preen himself to his usual standards so he sprayed at least half a can of deodorant under his arms, quickly swigged some mouthwash, and ran his fingers through his hair.

Then Kabuto burst into the room with a suit across his arm.

"Is this a joke?" Tenzou said, eyeing it like it was a pile of manure. He wasn't a particularly formal kind of guy.

"Do you see me laughing?" Kabuto replied irritably, and then thrust the suit into Tenzou's arms.

Buttoned shirts were extremely difficult to contend with, seeing as Tenzou was pretty sure he was still drunk, and there was no hope in hell he'd be able to knot his own tie. Having managed to wriggle into black pants and half-button his shirt, Tenzou staggered out of the bathroom and let Azami button him up and knot his tie. He then shrugged on his blazer.

"Well, you don't look too awful," Kabuto said, and Tenzou accepted this as great praise. Truthfully, he looked more rough-and-ready than smooth and slick, but it'd do.

"How long do I have?" he grumbled, aware that he sounded like his voicebox had been replaced with a cheese grater. He lumbered over to the front door and shoved on a pair of shoes; Azami and Kabuto followed him.

"About fifteen seconds," Azami chirped.

Strictly speaking, they weren't supposed to use ninjutsu at the risk of blowing their cover, but Tenzou couldn't afford to show up late and hungover to an interview. He made a handseal and then disappeared into a plume of billowing smoke - the last thing he saw was Kabuto's disapproving glare.

"So… Tenzou, is it?"

"Yes, sir. Pleasure to meet you," Tenzou said, as jovially as possible.

The Third Hokage stared at Tenzou from the other side of his desk, arching a narrow eyebrow as Tenzou tugged at his collar. A ring of clamminess had developed beneath it, and he was very much conscious of the sweat gathering in his nooks and crannies. Sunlight streamed in from the window behind the Hokage's desk, half-throwing the man into silhouette and causing Tenzou to squint at him.

"And you," the Hokage said, but Tenzou knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that this was a lie. "It's refreshing to see someone punctual for a change…"

The Hokage trailed off as he shuffled through papers that were laid out on the desk between them, including a few sheets that were heavily annotated in red pen - Tenzou recognised these as his citizenship test, and felt his ears burn. He glanced up into the corner of the room, only to see a portrait of the First Hokage, which almost looked like it was staring down at him disapprovingly. He frowned.

"Not the greatest test score, but you passed, which is the important part," the Hokage said after a few minutes, and offered Tenzou a sly little smile. Relieved, Tenzou smirked back at him. "Now, would this be your first job?"

"No," Tenzou said quickly, and then dried up almost instantly. The Hokage was looking at him expectantly, and Tenzou suddenly couldn't remember what he was supposed to be pretending to be… and why had Kabuto given him a suit? It was so hot. He wasn't used to this; the Land of Sound was chill even in the summer.

Suddenly, miraculously, the story came back to him.

"My siblings and I were travelling merchants," he said, rather proud of himself for remembering.

"Oh? What made you decide to settle here?" the Hokage asked, leaning forward on his elbows.

"Well, you see…"

Think. Of. Something.

He had a headache now.

"My younger sister has chronic… er, chronic…"

Chronic WHAT?

"Boils. She has boils."

What the hell are you talking about?

He wasn't sure he even knew.

"That must be terrible for her," the Hokage said, and Tenzou didn't notice even a flicker of suspicion in the man's eyes. Then again, what sort of freak would lie about something like that?

"Yes. The stress of moving around all the time made them much worse," Tenzou said, nodding sagely. "So we decided to settle here because it's safe for civilians like us."

He wondered briefly why he couldn't have just said that last part to begin with and leave out all the mess about boils. He was such an idiot. Still, the Hokage looked vaguely sympathetic. Tenzou tried to subtly wipe some sweat from his cheek.

"What did you sell?" the Hokage said.

"Sorry, what?" Tenzou said, freezing with his hand still glued to his face.

"When you were a merchant. What goods did you sell?"

"Oh, right, yes, er, we used to sell books, mostly," Tenzou said.

Do not make a reference to romance novels. Do not mention porno books. Do. Not.

"I see. And what sort of skills would you say you learned from that?" the Hokage said, his arms now folded. Tenzou suppressed his frown. Kabuto was better at this sort of thing - bullshitting, that was. Kabuto was a quick thinker. Tenzou wasn't exactly slow, but he didn't have the kind of internal filtering that most people had, which separated good ideas from totally moronic ones.

He should probably answer the question. He had a plan.

"Well, there was a lot of organising to be done," Tenzou said. "My sister's po - po - er -"

Don't say it, Tenzou. That is not part of the plan.

"Her poetry books always used to get mixed up with our stock," he said, just about saving the butchered situation. The Hokage nodded, gesturing for him to go on. If Tenzou were him, he would've been thrown out about ten minutes ago - a flustered teenager with a sweating problem? How appealing.

"It also improved my accountancy, as obviously we had to take note of how much we were earning and spending," he went on, trying to seem confident. "But apart from that, no, I've never had any other jobs."

"I see… well, frankly, Tenzou, we just need someone who can put things in alphabetical order," the Hokage said, now grinning at him with crinkled eyes. Tenzou stared at him. "Do you know the alphabet, my boy?"

"On a good day," Tenzou replied, smirking back at him a little roguishly.

The Hokage laughed, a gravelly rumble, and then said, "You'll do better than most of the lackeys in Administration, then. The job's yours. When can you start?"

A little astonished that he'd managed to get this far, he blurted out, "Monday."

Tenzou now found himself at a reception desk on the second floor of the Hokage's offices. It was Monday morning. Astonishingly, he wasn't hungover.

"Can I help you?" the receptionist said, not looking up from the book he was scribbling in.

"Er, yes, I'm new, I was told to report here," Tenzou said.

"Well you're just going to have to wait," the receptionist snapped back, and Tenzou blinked. Had he been rude? "What's your name?"

"Tenzou."

The receptionist flipped through the book.

"You're not in here," he said, staring daggers up at Tenzou.

"I only got the job a couple of days ago -"

"Oh! Did you? You've been working here for a couple of days and you think you can waltz on in here and tell me how to do my job -"

"I didn't tell you how to do your job!" Tenzou exclaimed, affronted. "The Hokage himself told me that you would know what to do with me."

"I know what to do with you, alright -"

"Don't mind him, newbie," someone said. Tenzou looked up only to find that it was Bandageface from the other night's party, and his friend, Awkward Side Fringe. "We'll look after you."

He sincerely doubted that. As far as Tenzou was concerned, these two were untrusted. Even now, Bandageface was smirking at him like he knew something that Tenzou didn't. But they were better than the receptionist who clearly still needed his coffee. Or novocaine.

"Uh, thanks, guys," Tenzou said, edging away from the fuming receptionist, and following his pair of acquaintances down a corridor.

"I'm Kotetsu," Bandageface said, "And this is Izumo. We met before."

"Yeah," Tenzou said. So conversational. "I'm Tenzou."

They went through a door on the left, and entered a small office. There was a single window set high in the opposite wall; otherwise, every inch of wall space was occupied by about a hundred shelves, each stuffed with papers. There was also a single filing cabinet.

"You see all of this?" Kotetsu said, gesturing at the rows and rows of shelving. Tenzou nodded. "It all needs to be filed… in there." Now Kotetsu pointed at that singular filing cabinet.

"Uh, wha -"

Was that even physically possible?

As though trying to be helpful, Izumo strode across the room, extracted the contents of a single shelf, and dumped it all into Tenzou's arms.

"Also, when you're done with that, everything under 'N' needs to be copied. Copier's on the fourth floor," Kotetsu said.

"Speaking of which, you can fix the fax machine on the fifth floor too," Izumo chimed in.

"Can't one of you -" Tenzou tried, but it was useless.

"Oh, and boss wants a report on trading standards by the end of the day," Kotetsu said, then grinned across at Izumo. They both turned to leave as Tenzou slouched across the room.

"File this, Tenzou. Copy that, Tenzou. Wipe my ass for me, Tenzou," Tenzou grumbled, flinging open a drawer in the filing cabinet with more force than was strictly necessary.

"What was that, newbie?" Kotetsu suddenly said.

"Nothing!"

He hated them already.

Fingers striped with papercuts and head pounding, Tenzou clattered through the door of their apartment that evening at around half seven. He'd actually been so traumatised by his first day at work that he barely felt angry any more. Azami took him by the shoulders and gently guided him onto the sofa. He slumped sideways slightly, feeling like a sack of potatoes - emotionally and physically.

"It must be bad," Kabuto said, frowning down at him. "Usually he would've said something sarcastic by now."

"Look at him, Kabuto! He's not even scowling," Azami fretted, perching beside her big brother on the sofa. "How was it, little oak?"

Tenzou's brain chewed on this question for a while.

"Tiring," he eventually said. Kabuto handed him a piping cup of tea, and he sipped a little of it, still staring numbly at the opposite wall.

"I'm sure it'll get better," Azami said cheerily. Tenzou managed to exert the effort to glower at her out of the corner of his eye. She grinned. "Anyway, that doesn't matter. Did you find out anything useful?"

After another long draught of tea, Tenzou felt alert enough to answer.

"Not a lot, yet, but there's a lot of paperwork to go through. I have access to a lot of stuff."

"So it's worth it," Kabuto said, offering him a smirk.

"I wouldn't say tha -"

"Kabuto, how was your interview with the medical corps?" Azami said swiftly.

"Oh, they said they would be happy to take me as an apprentice. I start tomorrow," Kabuto crowed, looking very pleased with himself.

"Everybody look at Kabuto, with his exciting and fulfilling job," said Tenzou flatly, and Azami snorted. "What about you, Azami?"

"Yeah, about that… it could still be worse, Tenzou. You could be me. A waitress," she said, and then sighed. Tenzou raised a brow. Azami was a smart cookie, she was more than capable of doing something as tough as Kabuto's job. Then again, the top spots weren't usually reserved for brand new citizens with no work experience.

"Well, that'll be useful. Think of the gossip," Tenzou said, and Azami smirked.

"Tell me about it. It's a good strategic move. The only downside is I have to dress as a French maid," she said, but something about the ecstatic look on her face said that she did not view this as a downside. "Kabuto, did you want to make dinner?"

Kabuto frowned.

"Not particularly, but I expect you're just going to force me to, either way," Kabuto said, storming into the kitchenette in a huff.

Tenzou sipped his tea, feeling a little diabolical. They'd been in Konoha for just over two weeks, and their (somewhat harebrained) scheme was beginning to come together. And, to top it all off, he hadn't embarrassed himself in front of that Kakashi guy since the day of their citizenship exam.

Somehow, though, he sensed it was only a matter of time.

Author's Note: Ladies and gentlemen, it's good to be back. Updates should be quick from now on as we pick up the pace! This chapter is kind of all over the place, which is similar to my mental state at the moment - sorry. Stay tuned for twisty turny plots and more fun. :D