Author's Note: First let me thank everyone who had reviewed, alerted, or put this story on their favorites it means a lot to me.
Enjoy!
Disclaimer: Do I really need to say that I don't own them? I'm just playing with someone else's toys and do return them in the same shape I have found them (well that may not always be the case).
Hermione spent the next hour in the shower crying, she was confused about Severus and her feelings for him. She wish she knew what to do about all of this. Finally she gave up trying to ease the tension in her body with the hot water.
When she went back down stairs Severus was sitting at the kitchen table, she stopped in the doorway uncertain what to do or say at the moment.
"Why are you here?" she finally asked.
Severus licked his lips that were suddenly dry, why was the truth so difficult to say out loud.
"I regret not stopping you." He said quietly.
"Right, like you have any regrets."
"I have many, many regrets in my life but the one I regret most is letting you sign that damn divorce parchment."
"I can't do this today, not after earlier. You need to go right now."
"Hermione, don't…."
"Just please go."
Severus sighed, so this wasn't going as he had planned. He finally stood before asking,
"Do you still wish to file the grievance with me?"
"Yes, I'll contact you."
"Very well, we only have until December thirty first to file."
"Okay."
Severus collected his coat stopping in the kitchen again before digging in his pocket, he sat a small bottle down in front of her before leaving.
When Hermione heard the front door shut she jumped up going to the fire place she threw in floo powder, Harry had insisted that she keep the floo open to his house.
"Harry Potter." She yelled in to the hearth.
"What." She heard before she saw him. "Hermione? What's wrong?"
"Severus was here."
"I'll be right there."
Harry stepped through the floo to find Hermione sitting on the sofa not really looking at anything, tears running down her face. He sat down beside her taking her hand in his then finding her suddenly in his arms. He rubbed her back soothing her before asking,
"What happen?"
"He came here last night telling me about Mr. Kaseload lying to us, all of us. It even makes sense, you know how we were not allowed to see Severus."
"What did he want from you?"
"He asked if I would agree to file a joint grievance against Kaseload."
"Okay, then what happen?"
Hermione relayed some of what was said by both of them, there were a couple of things she kept out as Harry didn't know the time she thought about killing herself, but she pretty much told him everything that happen since he showed up last night.
Hermione stood asking,
"How about some coffee or tea?"
"Coffee would be good."
They sat at the table with their mugs before Hermione said quietly,
"He apologized for how he treated me, made it sound like some defense mechanism. How am I suppose to forgive him for the way he treated me?"
"Do you want to forgive him?" Harry asked.
"I use to think I didn't, but now I don't know."
"But didn't you say that the last six months were better?"
"Yes, that time was more of what I had expected the whole time to be. But the five years before that were awful, I don't care that he thought I filed the papers to make him indebted to me he had no right to treat me the way he did."
"No he didn't, but do you think he's being truthful now?"
"I don't know. I want to believe he is, but then how am I suppose to erase almost the whole of our marriage. I don't know if I can even forgive what he said to me."
"What about forget?"
"I don't know, the bigger problem is I want to believe him. I truly do, but I don't know if I could ever trust him again. He degraded me so much that I still don't trust men."
"Hey, thanks."
Hermione gave him a small smile before saying,
"You're not a man, you're like a brother. You know what I mean, to let someone that close again equates to letting them treat me terribly."
"So don't allow it."
"That's easier said than done."
"No it's not, I know you still love him. I think you have for longer than you even realize it, why else would you have set at his bedside while he was in a coma? I think you should at least let him tell you what he wants to say, you owe that much to yourself."
"I don't know if I am strong enough to do that, not with him."
"I think you are."
~~^SSHG~~^~~
Severus returned to his house, he sat in his chair staring into the cold fireplace trying to come up with what to do next. He had not expected to be forgiven, at least not right away. But he had thought that her sense of fairness would at least afford him the time to tell her everything he wanted to say.
He didn't get half of the things he wanted t say out before she asked him to leave, he knew some of it would be hard for her to hear. He never thought that she wouldn't want to hear anything about Lily, she must have known about the memories he gave Potter. It was the only thing that made sense that she didn't want to hear about Lily.
He leaned forward putting his head in his hands, he fucked up his second chance at happiness by letting emotions rule his mind, or the wrong emotions. You would think that he would have learned to censor himself after what he said to Lily in anger. He was doomed to make the same mistakes over never learning from his past.
Her speech after breakfast was the one that struck a nerve with him, was he really like that? Could he really only care about someone once he tore them down? But that couldn't be true he knew when he woke up with her in the boathouse that he cared for her, but he hid it. Built walls around it to protect himself. At least that is what he told himself, now it was just an excuse.
He took the chain from around his neck, wrapping it around his hand staring at it.
He really didn't deserve to have her back with him, he was too much like his father. His father did the same thing, tearing down his mother until there was nothing left but the shell of the person she use to be.
He wondered, no he knew that was what he had done to Hermione, just in a different way. Yes he swore he would never lay a hand on a woman like his father, but he could verbally do just as much damage if not more.
When he asked if she thought about suicide he had expected her to say no, he knew he had that memory. The memory that she choose to remove because it hurt her too much, he was surprised when she said that she had. The reason was what really tore him apart, when he told her about not knowing what to do he was the most honest he had ever been with her. He had cared about her, no matter the walls that he put up and it killed him to see her in so much pain that he couldn't heal in some way.
Author's Note: Comments really do make me smile and brighten my day.
Also I wanted to let you know that I have a couple of Severus/Hermione videos on youtube, the link is in my profile.
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