A/N: back to a slightly faster update schedule, I hope! Chapter 14 had to be rewritten a lot, while this one and the next few are in pretty good shape already. Much thanks for all the reviews, and it's good to see a few new people coming aboard recently. Welcome to the inner angst-fest that is PRR; please let me know what you think.
Once I start writing Puck I have a hard time stopping. Strangely the showrunners don't have this reaction.

That night as she tried to go to sleep, Rachel thought about her brief talk with Finn, and sighed.

She had so hoped that he was starting to remember. And maybe he was, those memories locked in his subconscious starting to fight free; she'd known his touch, the feel of Finn with her, and those had definitely been the experienced hands of her lover, not the awkward fumblings of a much younger Finn. She'd been so disappointed when he'd pulled away, and even more disappointed when he'd told her he didn't remember doing it at all, even then. That it was just automatic and he hadn't consciously been present for it.

Still, the kiss hadn't been like that, and he'd obviously enjoyed it and had been thinking about it. She'd known that even before his confession, the way he'd been looking at her lips had told her he'd been thinking about their kiss and wanting more. And stopping himself from going for more, unfortunately. But he'd eased enough around her to tell her and to let himself be vulnerable around her, and she'd take her victories where she could. Just a few days ago she would have been over the moon that Finn was thinking about kissing her. She knew it didn't mean he was remembering, their kisses had always been special, from the very first, but even if he wasn't remembering her, he was feeling something, maybe some of their connection. And wanting to kiss her again, and seemingly wanting to get to know her.

All excellent progress, and so much better than how things had been a few days ago.

But as she'd admitted, she didn't know what to do now either, and it was so hard to not be able to help him.

And she was leaving. In just fourteen days.

Rachel sighed again and hugged her pillow tightly.

Puck showed up at breakfast at the Hudson-Hummel place with his usual impeccable timing, just as the bacon was coming out of the pan.

"Thanks, Mrs. H," he said to Carole as he grabbed a few slices, before she could divide the rest among her family. Finn rolled his eyes.

"You graduated high school and you still can't get your own bacon?" Finn complained.

"My mom doesn't want me to be a bad influence," Puck explained, his mouth full. Finn burst out laughing and kept at it for several moments, finding it completely ludicrous that Puck's taste for bacon was what Mrs. Puckerman had a problem with when there were so many other things Puck did for her to worry about. "Yeah, real funny," Puck commented wryly, stealing more bacon from Finn. Burt and Carole, seeing the boys' antics, decided to move their own quiet breakfast to the dining room.

"Hey." Finn held his fork out to defend his remaining breakfast. "Hands off."

"You know better than to get between Finn and food," Kurt commented to Puck. "Ever."

Puck laughed. "Yeah, I know, it's just fun to yank his chain. And it keeps my reflexes sharp."

"I hate to think what you're keeping your reflexes sharp for," Kurt retorted with a smile. Finn kept eating rapidly, partly to save his food from Puck, partly because he figured Puck was here to do something with him, but mostly simply because he was hungry.

Puck smirked. "Just be glad you don't find out. Though maybe you should, it'll help prepare you for the mean streets of New York. When do you head out, anyway?"

"Twelve days," Kurt answered. "Well, eleven and a half. We're going overnight, I want to get some initial decoration done in the day or so I have before Rachel arrives and I have to deal with her still somewhat suspect taste."

Puck shrugged. "Not much time to get you toughened up, then. Shoulda started earlier."

"You started with me almost four years ago."

Puck laughed. "True. Well you survived the Puckasaurus, so New York should be no problem. Wonder if anyone's warned them about you." He looked over at Finn, who was still eating. "Aren't you finished yet?"

"What, I gotta hurry up so we can hang out?" Finn mumbled. But Puck's needling certainly stopped him from brooding, so it wasn't all bad. "Don't you have some pools to clean or something?"

"All taken care of," Puck said. "Keeps the customers happy if they're all ready before the weekend, especially when it's hot like this."

"Forethought from Noah Puckerman, wonders will never cease," Kurt commented, clearing the plates now that Finn was finished.

Puck leered. "Keeping the ladies happy is a Puckerman specialty. You wouldn't know anything about that, Hummel."

Finn whacked Puck on the arm. "Parents in the next room, could you keep it PG?"

"Yeah, okay," Puck replied. "Let's head outside."

Finn followed Puck into the back yard, with Puck picking up Finn's football from the back porch as they went.

"More football?" Finn asked dubiously.

"Get back on the horse," Puck retorted, pitching the ball at Finn's feet. "Just hang out, like you said. That's assuming you want to be wasting your time hanging around me."

Finn frowned. "I got the message, okay? The clock's ticking and I don't have much time."

"Wow, cliché city. And here I thought I was being so subtle."

"For you, yeah."

"Well someone needs to ride your ass, and Hummel's taken."

Finn cringed at the disturbingly literal imagery, then shook his head to clear it. "Riding my ass doesn't do me a damn bit of good when I don't have the first clue what I want to do or what I even can do." He picked up the football, positioned his hand carefully on the laces, aligned his body, and threw. It felt good to think about it as he moved, feeling his muscles flex, fully present.

Puck moved down to retrieve the ball from Finn's long throw. "Sounded yesterday like you were onto something, making progress anyway, what's stopping you?"

"I can't keep going when I don't really know her," Finn answered. "And whenever I'm around her I seem to hurt her, and I can't get to know her like that. I get tense, or I pull away, or I let myself do too much, say the wrong things..." Finn trailed off, then groaned in frustration. "One way or another I can't stop screwing up with her."

"Wow, you really are back in sophomore year," Puck commented, lobbing the ball back.

"Ass." Finn fired it off hard. Puck caught it and smirked.

"No, seriously, this sounds just like you and her all over again. That spring, maybe, so that's some progress I guess."

"Well bad enough I did it once. I can't remember it but I bet she does." Tired of throwing the ball, Finn went over to the house and flung himself down on the steps.

"If she knew it would work she wouldn't give a damn." Puck lounged on the grass nearby.

"Yeah, I know," Finn muttered. "But we don't know it'll work, it might even make everything worse. And I know I can screw up and get away with it, while I'm trying to figure this whole insane situation out, so I probably screw up more. And then I feel guilty."

"And then you screw up again 'cause you hate feeling guilty."

"Seen it before, huh."

"Pretty much classic you. Especially with her."

"Huh."

"So what do you want to do, anyway? If you could?"

Finn paused, thinking. "I guess I just want to get to know her better, understand more about what she's like. Get to the point where I can be around her and be comfortable, or at least not feel like she's some stranger. But it's hard. I get around her, I start thinking about how she's reacting, or how I'm reacting to her, how I'm not really the guy she knows, what the hell my subconscious might decide to do... aargh." Finn scuffed the corner of the step in frustration. "I either can't relax enough or I relax too much, and I start screwing up or shutting down. Maybe if I knew her better I could deal with her better, but how can I get to know her better when I'm like this?"

"Vicious cycle."

"Yeah. And it's hard to get motivated when it's so frustrating, I mean I know I need to figure this mess out and she's part of that, and, well, that kiss, but I don't even know how interested I am, really. How can I be, I hardly know her."

Puck thought for a moment. "I know what you should do," he said. "You should come to Hannah's show with me tomorrow."

"Um, what?" What does that have to do with anything?

"Hannah, my kid sister? She's in this show at the Jewish Community Center, local production of Fiddler on the Roof." Puck caught Finn's look of confusion. "Hell, you have forgotten a lot." He took a deep breath. "Fiddler on the Roof is a musical about Jews."

"And you thought I knew this how?"

"It's pretty big. And Rachel's got a poster from it in her room. Or she did."

"Which you know how?" Finn frowned, his voice agitated.

"Nothing much happened, okay? Calm down."

"Yeah, okay, she told me about that." Finn breathed. "And yeah, she's got a bunch of posters up but I didn't look at them."

"You've been over, huh? Was that -"

"Yes." Finn glared at Puck. "Wasn't there long enough to look around."

"Like you'd see the room much."

"Hmph."

"Anyway, the JCC's putting it on, and Hannah's in it – it's about a family in Russia, not quite as boring as it sounds, and she's the second youngest of the five daughters. Rachel's playing one of the older ones. She missed a bunch of rehearsals but could probably do it in her sleep anyway. Show's tomorrow night. It's not a big part but she sings, even has a solo, and she can get all dramatic. So if you want to see her really doing what she does best, find out more of what she's about, you should go see it. I have to go 'cause of Hannah anyway."

Finn and Puck sat at the back of the small auditorium, Finn because he didn't want Rachel to see him and have it throw her off, and Puck because he didn't want anyone to see him if he could help it. Though Finn figured the mohawk was a giveaway, Puck sucked at blending in. The place was nearly full, a lot of locals had come to see it. Finn almost choked, though, when the lead, the father, came on at the beginning; while the man was heavily disguised by a fake beard, there was no mistaking those intense dark eyes that he'd once found staring at him at work in the tire shop. Who the hell – Finn scrabbled for the program, they'd arrived not long before curtain time so he hadn't looked at it yet. He peered at it in the dark, trying to find and read the cast list.

"What are you doing?" Puck whispered.

"Who is that?" Finn whispered back.

"The lead? LeRoy Berry. Rachel's dad."

Shit. So it wasn't something he'd done before – it had been something he had been doing right then, how hurt Rachel had been when he'd pushed her away.

"Do you remember him?" Puck whispered again.

"Just from since the accident."

"Shh!" came a warning from in front of them, and they settled down to watch the musical.

Finn was still distracted at first, thinking about what Rachel's dad had been doing at the tire shop that day. He'd had so much going on with his family he hadn't considered that everyone else had one too, that Rachel had parents that he must have met, since he was engaged to their daughter. He wondered what they'd thought about him, before the accident, that their daughter was engaged at seventeen and going to move in with her fiancé when they moved to New York for college. That she'd felt so intensely about him, the way she'd told him she felt and the way she'd looked at him. And what they'd thought since, about the accident and his memory loss and how he'd treated their daughter. He knew that his amnesia wasn't a coverall excuse for how he'd acted, and he expected that Rachel's parents would be even less likely to excuse his behavior. Her dad had probably come to tell him off but hadn't known what to say.

Then Rachel came on stage, and he was pulled out of his thoughts to watch her. Finn soon found himself getting into the musical, which did seem a bit familiar, it was well known. He relaxed, watching Rachel with her 'sisters', singing lightheartedly about men, playing games, and dancing. Puck had been right, she shone on stage, and her voice was so beautiful. He'd heard her a bit in the song they'd sung for him in hospital, and briefly on his iPod, but that was nothing compared to this.

Finn suprisingly found he could relate to the story. An arranged marriage – that was what he'd felt he was getting, when he'd woken up in hospital and found he was engaged to Rachel. Here is your life, no choice. But the older couple was touching too, they'd given it a chance and found love anyway. Of course Finn's 'matchmaker' was himself. (Just because I don't remember it doesn't mean I didn't do it.)

Finn tensed when Rachel's part heated up, with the romance between her character and the radical student, flirting and acting that they were falling in love. Jealousy? Not really – maybe – he wasn't sure what he was feeling. Good thing that though the guy acted young he was probably close to thirty. Then, near the end, Rachel came on stage with her father and started her solo.

Wow.

Freed from the need to blend with others, she was a powerhouse, both vocally and emotionally, and it hit Finn like the proverbial ton of bricks. And he could tell she was pouring herself into the song of love and longing: (*)

How could I know that a man would come
who would change the shape of my dreams

This was how she expressed herself, and did she ever. She was mesmerizing, and Finn stared at her, agape.

wanting home, wanting him

At those two words her tears started to flow, and Finn knew they were for him. By the time she ended with:

and wherever he is, I'm home

Finn found he was crying too, crying for her, crying for himself and what they'd both lost. And he felt it deep inside, as if she'd reached her hand out and wrapped it around his heart.

The ovation was loud, the audience on their feet and aroar with appreciation. Finn heard sniffles from around the auditorium, and felt a little better about his own tears on realizing how many others she'd affected. He wiped his eyes, attracting Puck's notice.

"You okay, dude?"

"Dumb question," Finn muttered. "Hell, I don't know how I'm doing from one minute to the next. Best I can, I guess."

Rachel had been pressured out to take a bow, with her father showing a mix of pride and concern. As the audience reseated themselves for the show to continue, Finn overheard a comment from the older woman in front of him, talking to her neighbor: "She was engaged to the boy who lost his memory in that accident. It's so sad."

That was Rachel's big exit number, so she wasn't back until she came out for the curtain call, her painted smile not reaching her eyes. After the show was over, Finn turned to Puck. "So that was supposed to help, was it?"

"Yeah, dude. Hey, you wanted to know more about what she's like, right? She connects best when she sings, always has. What you saw, that's her. And she loves to perform, you can't know her without seeing that."

"Is she going to be okay?" He wanted to comfort her, hold her to his heart and promise that her pain would go away. But he couldn't make that promise, not when what was hurting her was him, the absence of the old him. He couldn't promise to be that man again, or to replace him and love her.

"Are you?" Puck caught Finn's wince. "Look, you shouldn't feel bad that she still wants you so much. At least now you know. And if you want her, now that you've really seen her, go for it." He slapped his friend on the shoulder. "Think about it, dude. I'm going backstage to congratulate my sister, so I'll check on Berry. See you later." With that, Puck left Finn alone with his thoughts.

If I want her – I don't know what I really want. Or do I? I know I can't stop thinking about her, these last few days anyway, and when she sang... wow. But that's not enough. And all that emotion, for me... scary.

"Noah!" Hannah flew to hug her brother once Puck went backstage.

"Hey kid, you were great," Puck said, hugging his sister back.

"Thank you! It was so much fun, even the end where we're all acting sad." Hannah smiled up at him, but sobered. "But I don't think Rachel was acting."

Puck disengaged himself from his sister. "Where is she?"

"She's in the back. Her dad's there too." Hannah pursed her lips. "She was fine in rehearsal."

"Performing feels different," Puck commented. "Didn't it feel different for you?"

"Yes. I was all nervous at first but then it was cool."

"Good girl." Puck smiled encouragingly at her. "And you didn't look nervous at all, performing's in your blood. Why don't you get changed and I'll meet you back here in fifteen." Hannah nodded and rushed off.

Puck ventured further backstage, listening, and followed the sound of soft crying to the green room. Rachel sat slumped on a couch, twisting her costume kerchief in her hands as she cried; LeRoy sat next to her, his arm around her for comfort. He looked up at Puck entering.

"I'll get changed and be right back," LeRoy said to his daughter. She sniffled and nodded to him, then followed his eyes to see Puck. LeRoy left them.

Rachel dried her eyes. "Hello, Noah. Have you seen Hannah? She was great."

"Yeah, she told me you were back here." He sat in the chair next to the couch. "And you kicked ass, as usual, but you're not that good an actress, Rachel. Hurts like hell, huh?"

"Yes," she replied. "Things have gotten better, I thought I could handle it but – Perchik changed Hodel's world just like Finn changed mine. And I miss him, I want him so badly." She sniffled again. "But it does feel a bit better to channel it than keep it in."

"Well you brought the house down."

"Silver lining, I guess." She closed her eyes for a moment, then looked back at Puck. "It's getting harder, the closer I get to going to college," she admitted. "I don't see how I can leave him. And I wasn't supposed to, once he got into City I thought we'd never have to be apart, and I don't know how I can move into our apartment without him, sleep alone in the bed we were supposed to share..." she teared up again, and Puck squeezed her hand.

"At least you won't be alone."

"Yes." Rachel sighed. "We'll be a lonely pair, Kurt and I, though at least he'll have Blaine, even far away. I almost asked Finn to come tonight," she admitted. "But I just couldn't bring myself to do it, too worried about whether he'd come and how he'd react. Even now I don't know whether to be sorry or relieved that he didn't see that song."

"Ah... he did."

"What?"

"I told him about it, had him come with me. We were at the back. He's gone home by now."

"Oh."

"Hudson really is trying, he wants to remember, Berry," Puck insisted. "And he wants to remember you and know you better, that's why he came, to see what you do and learn more about how you are."

"So Finn just saw me emote about him all over the stage," Rachel groaned.

"Hey, it wouldn't be the first time, far from it. And most of the other times worked pretty well. Yeah you can be overwhelming, but he's always found those strong feelings of yours really appealing."

"And?" Rachel asked with trepidation.

"I know he was impressed. Even more than the rest of the audience, there weren't many dry eyes once you finished."

"Impressing him isn't what I want."

"It's a start, you kinda did that in the first place. Gotta hold his attention, right? And I know there's more going on, not sure what and he doesn't know either, he's really mixed up. But I needle him about you and it never fails. Anything suggestive about you, or you and some other guy, even like on stage tonight, and Hudson gets jealous. Not sure he gets that he is, but I know the signs. Deep down, that dude wants you. Even without zoning out."

"Really?" Rachel wiped her eyes again, hopeful.

"Yep. I mentioned you had a poster from this show in your room, from Broadway, and he demanded to know how I knew."

"He didn't act like that when I talked to him in hospital."

Puck shrugged. "He's more himself than he was then."

"I hope so." Rachel brightened. "Thank you, Noah," she said, standing up. "Thank you so much, for that, for everything." Puck rose too, and she hugged him. "I need to get changed."

"And Hannah's waiting for me by now. But take care of yourself, Berry. I'll keep an eye on Hudson. For himself."

"Thank you." Rachel hugged Puck again and then let him leave.

* "Far From the Home I Love", from Fiddler on the Roof, lyrics by Sheldon Harnick.