A/N: thank you for all the wonderful reviews! It's great to see new people finding this fic and also that you're connecting with the more existential angst involved. I hope you enjoy this next installment too.

Finn's plan for Sunday ended up being pretty simple: bring Rachel over, hang out, grill some burgers with the family. He was annoyed he couldn't come up with anything better, but finally decided that they could adjust it as they went, and that it wasn't what you did, it was how you did it. He didn't know what Rachel liked anyway, so he'd just watch her carefully and see how she reacted, and as long as they stayed at his place he could improvise. That would also help him learn more about what she was like.

So they'd keep it casual and fun. Which didn't stop him from being a lot less casual about it ahead of time, digging up information on what vegans ate (not a lot, it seemed, nothing from animals at all, though there were a lot of plant substitutes) and thinking about things they could do. Easier to improvise when you have ideas to work from, he figured. He even found some veggie burgers in the freezer (left over from a previous time) and tried them himself, finding them quite edible and even kinda tasty in their own way. And the soy cheese would probably taste fine if he didn't know that it wasn't the real thing, he knew he was pretty suggestible.

Friday night after dinner he talked to his mom more about what Rachel liked to eat and drink, then headed up to his room to look through some of his things. After a while he was interrupted by a knock at his open door, and he looked up to see his stepbrother.

"You're really taking this seriously, aren't you?" Kurt commented. "Having Rachel over."

"Yeah." Finn looked over at Kurt, who leaned in his doorway. "Why would you think I wouldn't?" Kurt shrugged with a frown in response. "Okay, I haven't been consistent," Finn admitted. "And I've been an ass, yeah I've been having trouble and the idea of her completely terrified me at first, and even so I dealt with it badly. But I'm trying to make up for it now."

"Just the fact that you're trying with this – that's going to mean the world to her," Kurt said. "You don't have to get things all the way right, you didn't before, not usually. She cares that you care, that's all that's really mattered to her when it came to you."

"Huh. I'm not used to it being like that, I suppose. With Quinn nothing I did was ever good enough."

"It's different when you're not popular," Kurt said. "When people treat you like everything you are is wrong, you learn to treasure genuine thoughtfulness and kindness." He shrugged. "Sometimes it really is the thought that counts."

Even though he'd never had to deal with unpopularity, Finn could still relate to that idea – he and his mom hadn't had much, as he grew up, and he'd always appreciated what little things they could have. He treasured his letterman jacket all the more because he'd had to save up to afford it. But just because Rachel wasn't as picky as Quinn didn't mean he shouldn't try just as hard to please her. It was worth trying even harder, actually, because it was much more likely to pay off. In anything except the one thing he couldn't give her. "Well I don't really know what she's going to like," he said, thinking, "except Mom told me the sort of stuff she's had here before. I figure I'll just pay a lot of attention and work it out as I go." And maybe try some more stuff out myself, he thought. It's still food, some of it should be good.

"She'll soak that up like a sponge. Rachel loves attention, especially from you."

Finn smiled. He could do that. "I'm trying to be careful, though, I don't want to get her hopes up but I don't want to kill them either. Plus I really don't know what's going on with my head."

"Still nothing coming back?" Kurt asked.

Finn shook his head. "Nothing I can remember. I can do stuff, sometimes. Subconscious. It's freaky, I just do stuff and don't really remember doing it. Even called a football play I don't know. But I still don't remember anything." He groaned, rubbing his face. "I don't know if I ever will," he admitted quietly.

"It still hasn't been that long," Kurt said hopefully.

"I guess. But how long does it normally take to remember things, when you wake up? Isn't it mostly right away? They don't understand why I don't remember, so there isn't really any kind of schedule for how long these things are supposed to take. They don't know what's going on or if there's really been any progress, instead of just more stuff I notice. And I feel fine, the tests are normal, they have been since they let me out, there's no reason why I don't remember." Finn's hands clenched into fists, his frustration returning as he talked about his situation. "I just don't."

"Hey, relax."

"I feel like I'm done relaxing for now." Finn exhaled sharply. "At least when I'm planning this I feel like I'm doing something."

"Anything I can do to help?" Kurt offered.

"Are you going to be here?"

"Can Blaine come? I leave Wednesday night, and he's taken time off work so we can be together this weekend."

"Ah, sure. They get along, right?"

"They get along brilliantly. Perfect distraction if things get too tense."

"Great."

"We'll try not to be too couple-y, though. Don't want to rub it in her face."

"Thanks." Finn swallowed. "You're going to take care of her, right? In New York?" He raised his eyes to meet Kurt's, hoping that his stepbrother would see how sincerely he meant it.

"Of course I will," Kurt said. "Even if you hadn't asked, but yes. And we'll be spending a lot of time together, we always meant to anyway, and we'll both be alone-but-not-single so that'll work. We'll be palling around and doing the New York things we've always wanted to do together, when we have time. NYADA will be intense."

"That's good." Finn paused. "Thanks, Kurt."

Kurt nodded. "So what are you doing now?" he asked, looking at the pile of clothes Finn had been digging through.

"Just trying to figure out what to wear, actually. It's hard, I don't normally give it much thought."

"Hmm." Kurt went to Finn's closet and started poking around. "Well, leaving aside the fact that I would throw most of this out, I'd say the more typically 'you' the better. And that hasn't changed, despite my efforts."

"There isn't, like, something I shouldn't wear because she'll associate it with some time we had together?"

"Probably. But I wouldn't know about those, she keeps that sort of thing private, for casual clothes anyway. She might think about what you were wearing at some key times but I have no idea. Just pick a decent-looking polo. You can always change if you think she's reacting badly to it." Kurt shook his head. "I can't believe I'm finally getting to give you wardrobe advice and that's the best I can do for the situation," he complained.

Finn laughed. "Well thanks for not taking advantage."

Kurt nodded to him with a smile, and left.

Mid-afternoon Sunday Finn went to pick Rachel up, managing for once to get to her door before she came out. He handed her a small bunch of multicolored daisies that he'd picked from the garden (with his mom's permission); he'd come up with the idea right before he left, an impulse, and while he had no idea if she would like them he hoped that effort and sincerity would see him through. He doubted he'd somehow become some ultra-suave dude, so this should be normal.

It paid off when she thanked him with a beaming smile, and she tucked one of the yellow daisies into her hair behind one ear. It didn't really go with her cream-and-cherry dress, he supposed, but she looked adorable anyway.

"You're so beautiful," he said softly as he helped her into the car. He wondered if she'd heard that enough, being unpopular at school would have carried with it insults, not compliments. He hoped that he'd told her a lot, anyway, and that she knew right now that he really did mean it. He looked at her again as he got into his seat, glad to see the delight on her face. And she was really so beautiful, in her own way.

They drove back to his place, talking a little. He asked after her weekend so far, but accepted the vague cheerful answers she gave; he knew she was getting ready to move to New York, and that neither of them really wanted to talk about it. At her prompting he told her a bit about what was happening at work, and that he was looking into taking a couple of community college courses in the fall, just to get him back into things and see what he could do. She seemed very happy at hearing that and said she was sure he could do well. So nothing deep, but comfortable. Finn felt good.

Back at his place he brought her straight into the back yard, bypassing the house. Kurt and Blaine were in Kurt's room, with Blaine supposedly helping Kurt pack, and it was probably not a good idea to disturb them until the food was ready. Rachel nodded as Finn explained that to her, and smiled as she took the glass of lemonade he offered.

Burt had started up the gas grill, and Finn made a bit of a show of asking Rachel for advice on how to cook the veggie burgers. Sure the others would have known, probably, but he wanted to do this himself. She explained that they were already cooked and heated quite quickly, so he should wait to put them on; they discussed it for a bit longer, building a quiet rapport as they talked, and decided that the veggie burgers should go on when the beef ones were flipped.

"And they should be kept separate, right?" Finn commented, happy that this was going well.

"That's best," Rachel replied. "But you don't need to be paranoid about it, it's just a personal choice, not an allergy. If a little meat rubs off it's not a disaster, as long as it gets cooked enough. I just don't want to get a taste for it."

"Right." Finn nodded and reached over for the spatula; his hand accidentally brushed Rachel's arm, and he felt a bit of a thrill go through him at the unexpected touch of her skin. So did she, he figured, because their eyes met for a brief moment before he lowered his head with a sheepish smile. Yeah, he could put up with some weird habits in a girl who so easily made him feel like that, as long as he didn't have to follow suit himself. And she wasn't that weird, just unusual, and he found himself rather liking 'unusual'. Certainly how she made him feel wasn't usual at all.

"I think you have things all set up, so I'll leave you to it," Rachel said, still smiling. "I'll see if your mother needs help in the kitchen." Finn nodded and watched her go.

"Everything okay?" Burt had wandered off to a discreet distance, but came back as Rachel left.

"Ah, yes," Finn replied. "She's just going to help Mom."

Burt grinned. "I meant with the grill."

Finn rolled his eyes at the obvious teasing. "That's fine too."

"How is he, really?" Rachel asked Carole, looking out at Finn as she finished washing the lettuce at the sink.

"He's feeling better, I think," Carole answered tentatively. "He feels more like himself. But he's getting very frustrated that his memories aren't coming back."

"I've been so worried," Rachel said softly, biting her lip. "And when I couldn't see him..." she trailed off.

Carole sighed and turned to her. "I am so very sorry about that, Rachel. I was worried about Finn, and overprotective – all I could think about is that I almost lost my baby boy, and how he'd had so much trouble getting used to our combined family before. I so wanted him to be comfortable at home, I shut you out and I shouldn't have."

Rachel nodded, temporarily unable to speak as she started to cry silently.

"Please forgive me, Rachel. How I acted was wrong." Carole looked sincerely at Rachel as the younger woman nodded again.

"Just please, please don't do anything like that again, Carole," Rachel stressed, finally finding her voice as tears slid down her cheeks. "I love Finn with all my heart, you know that. Even now, even if he never remembers, he's still the man I love. I have to go away, to school, but I need to know that you're not going to do anything to come between us while I'm gone."

"All I really care about is that Finn's happy," Carole said. "And I saw you two out there." She smiled. "This may be the first time I've seen him genuinely happy since the Fourth."

Rachel smiled a little through her tears. "I'm glad. I need Finn to be happy even more than I need Finn."

"Well if you're going to stick by him, then I have no reason or wish to get in your way."

"No ifs, Carole. Please, do not second-guess my place in Finn's life, or manipulate it for what you think might be going on or what you want." Rachel sniffled back more tears. "That's the only way I'm going to be able to trust you again, I can't trust you if you don't trust me."

"Well I didn't mean to manipulate things –" Carole started to protest, but cut herself off. "No, you're right. I didn't intend to and I'll do my best to make sure I don't. Finn's choices are his own, and if he needs help I'll include you."

"Thank you," Rachel said softly. But she stood with her head lowered, and Carole was still worried.

"Rachel? Is something else wrong?"

"What about you?" Rachel's reply was brittle, and she stared at the counter.

"Me?"

Rachel raised her tearstained face to look at Carole again. "I thought you were like my family," she said softly, barely breathing out the words. "I was welcomed here as family, before. And then..." She started to sob again, her mind reliving the pain at feeling so shut out, betrayed, with the woman she'd previously felt loved by now freezing her out, worse still that she'd been forced away from the side of the man she loved when he needed help and love so much, maybe to lose him forever.

Dimly she felt Carole's arms come around her, holding her tightly, her head brought to the older woman's shoulder. "You are," Carole said, starting to cry too. "I just... I was so worried, and I acted selfishly, I can't express how sorry I am. I didn't mean to be so cold to you, I was just focused on Finn. You are loved here, Rachel, very much."

Rachel nodded silently, and hugged Carole back. After a while the older woman pulled away and looked into her face.

"Let's get you cleaned up, honey. Don't want Finn to think it's something he did, he's really trying hard to not have that happen today."

Outside, Finn and Burt were looking after the grill, which largely meant standing around as things cooked, occasionally taking a look at the burgers and nodding sagely. The food was close to ready, but Rachel and Carole were still inside. "Do you think they need help?" Finn asked, looking at the house, concerned.

"I think the ladies have something to work out," Burt said. "They'll be back when they're done." Finn looked questioningly at his stepfather. "You're not the only one here who has to make something up to Rachel," Burt explained. "Your mom isn't wrong very often, almost never when it comes to how she treats people, but she went a bit blind when you got hurt." Burt moved the burgers up to the top level and turned the heat down. "These'll keep a bit if they have to."

Finn nodded, but was relieved a few minutes later when the other four came out, Kurt and Blaine followed by Carole and Rachel, who were walking close together and smiling as they carried out the salads. However things had been they seemed to be okay now.

"Grub's up," Burt called out, and the others headed for the patio table as Burt and Finn took the burgers from the grill.

"I thought Jews didn't eat cheeseburgers," Blaine commented as the burgers came over. Finn froze, panicking momentarily as he wondered if he'd been thinking so much about her veganism that he'd forgotten something else. Though hadn't she noticed he'd had the soy cheese sitting there for it? How complicated should food really get? It's food.

But Rachel laughed. "Not real cheeseburgers," she said, taking the plate that Finn was holding out to her, apparently not seeing the expression on his face. "But this isn't a real cheeseburger. There are some who would still object to it on principle, but that's too crazy even for me." Seeing that the others seemed to be waiting for her verdict, she took a small bite, chewed, and swallowed. "And this is delicious, thank you so much."

Finn passed the regular burgers around to the others and then was finally able to relax, congratulating himself on a job well done as he ate. The others expressed their appreciation as well.

Conversation went around generally, casually, about Blaine's plans for Glee Club in the fall, about how well Rachel's musical had gone, about the hard decisions Kurt was making in deciding what to take to New York, and so on. Finn mostly listened, enjoying the friendly atmosphere and that he didn't have to participate much, just listen, throw in the occasional comment as appropriate, and laugh along. It was an easy group to be with, today.

Seconds were available, but as Rachel was satisfied without, Finn opted to try the second burger he'd made for her. Not nearly as good as his first actual burger, obviously, but edible, especially once he put some more bbq sauce on it. And there was no sense it going to waste.

Finn found himself continuing to watch Rachel as she chatted with Kurt and Blaine, getting to know the tilt of her head, the way she smoothed her hair behind her ear, the soft curve of her neck, the naturally musical way she laughed, that glint in her eyes she got a moment before coming out with something clever. He started to feel her.

Soon it was time for dessert. Finn was particularly proud of what he'd found for that, and he fetched them from the freezer.

"Cherry-chocolate or vanilla?" he asked Rachel, showing her the two unmarked tubs of frozen dessert.

"Well, which is –"

"Both."

Rachel blinked. "Both?" she asked, a shy smile starting to spread.

"Yep. They're very good, that one is really chocolatey and I recommend it but you could have the other if you want." He tried to stay serious but couldn't completely suppress his grin; she was obviously genuinely happy at having multiple vegan options, and that he'd actually tried them. He'd sweet-talked the older lady that worked the ice cream counter at the fancy deli in the west Lima shopping district on Saturday, telling her he needed something vegan for his girl and laying the charm on pretty strong, and she'd let him sample everything that was non-dairy. He'd even picked up some fat-free for Burt while he was at it. The cherry-chocolate was really high-end, dark chocolate only of course, but it was so worth it right now.

Rachel's whole face lit up. "Well who am I to ignore a recommendation like that," she said. "Thank you."

He dished her out some and then took care of the others, and soon they were all enjoying dessert.

"This is very delicious, Finn," Rachel told him, casually licking her spoon. "Where ever did you get it?"

Finn grinned, stalling a little as he brought himself physically under control; the sight of her licking had gone straight to his groin. He met her eyes. "Secret," he said, teasing her a little. She wrinkled her nose, smiling back at him. "Hey, you can't expect me to give up one of the few things I know that you don't."

She laughed. "That's fair."

After a while Burt and Carole went inside, leaving the younger four on their own. It was early evening and still quite sunny, so when after a trip inside Finn spotted a frisbee by the back entrance, he brought it out with him. He thought it would be fun to throw it around a little, but when he came out he was quickly intercepted by his stepbrother.

"Don't," Kurt hissed at him, pulling the frisbee out of his hand.

"What? I thought we could play a little, have some fun. We had such a good time bowling, and it doesn't matter if she sucks or whatever." But Kurt took his arm, dragging him around the corner of the house. "What is it?"

"You didn't see her face just now, when you brought it out," Kurt said. "Some things are just far too close."

"What do you mean?"

Kurt pulled his phone out of his pocket and started flipping through it. "I know all the stuff you've said about not wanting to look at yourself, and I suppose I get it, but just look at her." He handed Finn his phone.

Finn took it and looked at the picture of Rachel, holding a frisbee and laughing. She looked beautiful, wearing a navy blue sundress with white stars, and really happy. He swiped his finger over the screen, moving to the next picture which showed her throwing, her form wasn't great but she obviously didn't care. "So she's having a great time," Finn said, confused. "What's the problem?"

"Her dress is very patriotic, don't you think?"

"She likes stars. What, is this the Fourth of July or something?" Almost as soon as Finn said it, he paled. Just two days before the accident... He moved to the next picture and saw himself next to her, both of them laughing over something, his arm around her. And the next, they were in the background of a shot of Blaine, but there they were embracing and leaning towards each other... he grimaced and handed the phone back to Kurt. "Yeah, okay, I get it."

"It's the last completely happy day she's had, at the time she said it was perfect. The barbeque is hard enough, she saw you bring out the frisbee and turned white."

"Damn," Finn breathed. Too familiar for her, but nothing he remembered at all. Unless that was somehow why he'd gone for the frisbee. "So what can I do? Is there, like, something else we can do instead, something new? Or something really old, something she won't associate with me."

Kurt didn't have anything in mind, so they went back around the corner to talk to the others about possible activities.

"Ever play badminton?" Blaine asked as they threw out ideas. "I think Brittany has a set, we could borrow it."

"I played a little when I was a kid," Rachel said. "It was fun, I haven't played in years but it should come back."

Finn shook his head. "Never played it, sorry. Never gone in for racket sports."

"Oh, is the big jock afraid he'll get shown up if he tries a sport he doesn't already know?" Kurt mocked lightly.

"No, just..." Finn frowned. "Okay, fine. I'll give it a try. But you all know my coordination sucks, especially when I'm new at something, so you might want to give me a wide berth so nobody gets hurt this time."

Kurt grinned, but his smile faded into a more thoughtful look. "How do you know we know that?"

"Ah, what?"

"'You all know my coordination sucks,' you said. And you're right, we do, though it improves with practice and it's a lot better than it was. But how do you know that we know?"

Whoa. "I don't know," Finn admitted. "Maybe I just figured you must know, since it's true and you know me."

"Maybe. But 'give me a wide berth so nobody gets hurt this time'? Have you ever hurt anyone?"

"No, I –" Finn broke off. He didn't know why he'd said that, and he remembered saying it. He'd meant it, somehow. But he was used to being teased about his lack of coordination, and that was one of the standard things. Right? "No. But someone could, y'know, if they get too close to big awkward me." He tried to ignore the looks that passed between the others.

Blaine brought them back on topic. "So, badminton. Seems okay, though none of us are dressed for anything strenuous so we'll take it easy. I'll talk to Brittany and see if she has a set we can borrow."

"Great, thanks," Finn said. They were trying to have a fun time, not worry about his memories, so he tried to shake it off. His comment had probably just been mostly automatic anyway, like calling that football play had been, and there would be no way to dig up where it had come from, even though he did remember saying it. But he didn't like the thought that at some point he really had hurt someone through his clumsiness, that it wasn't just a joke. And it was obvious they knew something.

Blaine quickly established that Brittany could lend them a set, and he and Kurt set off to get it.

As they waited for the others to return, Finn roamed the yard aimlessly, still feeling uneasy about what he'd said and where it might have come from. He looked over at where Rachel stood on the patio; she seemed bothered by something too, so he went over to talk to her.

"Hey," he said, approaching her. "Look, about what I said..." he saw her look back at him with a small frown. "I shouldn't find out any details, I guess, but I can't not know." He looked squarely at her. "Have I hurt someone? By accident, because I'm clumsy?"

"You're not really that clumsy," Rachel said quietly. "But yes, you did once. No permanent damage and nobody held it against you, so don't worry about that."

"Was it –" Finn broke off. "No, I shouldn't think about details, I'll just make stuff up," he muttered to himself.

"Doesn't that make it so much harder for you?" Rachel asked, concerned. "It's bad enough that you don't remember, but if you can't even find out..."

"Yes," Finn replied, grimacing. "Oh, yes." He exhaled. "It's a lot harder, it's like I live in a world I don't know and I can't even get to know it. But my shrink says if I get told too much I'll fill in the memories with versions I make up, and then that's it. Or I won't notice when I do start remembering because I won't know the difference." He tried to smile. "And maybe what I said, that I said it, means that the memory's there and I really need to not mess it up. But it's hard." His voice became very quiet. "Knowing that I hurt someone, I don't want to be a person who did that."

"It could have been anyone and anything," Rachel insisted. "You've done a lot of physical activities with others around. One accident over all the years doesn't make you dangerous."

"I guess not," Finn said. "Thanks." So that meant something. I don't know why I said it – but I remember saying it, even if it was subconscious it wasn't just that. And it's something she knows about, significant even. He looked back at Rachel, who still seemed tense. "So what's wrong?" he asked. "I can tell something's still bothering you. If it's not that, is it still the other night?"

Rachel looked up at Finn, her eyes tearing up. "Yes, in a way," she said reluctantly.

"Look, I was being an idiot. I have a hard time dealing with change, so I found something I thought I knew turn out to be different and went nuts on it. Doubt it's the first time, probably won't be the last either, but I'm trying to do better. It's not a big deal."

"It's not that," she replied softly, hanging her head. "It's not you. You now, I mean."

"Then – me before? Old me?"

Rachel swallowed. "You – old you – never had any problems with my veganism," she said quietly. "Or at least I never thought so, you were always polite about it. But –" she sniffled. "What if I was wrong? What if it was a problem but you always hid it?"

Finn listened, and realized that he wasn't the only one who was potentially finding out things about the man he used to be. Rachel had been clinging to her memories of the man he'd been, the one she'd loved and who had loved her, and now she was the one getting the rug pulled from under her about those times. He put his arm around her, a little unsure if he should be, but knowing that he needed to comfort her. Wasn't he also supposed to be her best friend? "Hey," he said. "You don't know that."

"No." Rachel leaned into his chest, her head still lowered. "But what you did today, with the dessert – of course I never expected everyone to eat vegan with me, but you never did anything like that before."

"Maybe I just never thought of it, or got to the point where I thought I should," Finn replied. He liked that he'd been able to surprise her like that and do better than the old him had. "And from what everyone's told me, when I confessed to what an idiot I'd been at dinner, I never had any problem with your diet aside from forgetting about it sometimes. Even Puck said that, and he thinks your diet is nuts and never understood why I didn't. So I think that means that it didn't bug me." Puck had also thrown in 'and the two of you sucked face so much that there's no way you had a problem with how each other tasted,' but he wasn't going to pass that particular comment on. Or explain his realization that part of his freakout had been feeling like she was judging him because Quinn would have, if Quinn had turned vegan he was quite sure she'd've expected him to do it too. Never tell your girl that you expected her to act like your ex.

"That's true. You did forget, sometimes. Even when we'd been together for a while, it still used to slip your mind."

"Well there you go. It didn't affect how I thought of you." He cleared his throat, as he'd been starting to choke up a little himself. "And I've started to get a feeling about the sort of things that I did have problems with, before – people get cautious and watch my reaction. This isn't one of them. Okay?"

Rachel raised her head and stepped back. "Okay." She looked up at him and gave him a tight smile.

"Good." Finn paused. "That thing about the bacon – did I know?" he asked hesitatingly.

"No, you didn't, it never came up," Rachel replied. "But if you'd known I liked the smell you might have figured out why. I certainly didn't intend to tell you, even before. Not because it was a secret or anything like that, just... to let you figure it out, I suppose. You would have enjoyed realizing it, I think." Her voice was wistful, and an expression quickly crossed her face – pain? longing? He couldn't quite tell.

"Sorry. Guess it's out now. For me, I mean, I wouldn't tell anyone, of course I wouldn't." Finn babbled a little. Because yeah, that would have been cool, or hot actually, figuring out that your vegan girlfriend likes smelling bacon because it makes her think about being with you... he liked it and he wasn't even the version of him it was about. And now he was realizing that her having that association must mean that they'd done it a lot, and that she'd really enjoyed their nights together and mornings after, and that this was what she'd just been thinking about, missing them, and... Oh hell. He didn't remember anything like that. But he was quite sure those were memories he really didn't want to screw up accidentally, he definitely wanted those back. Fuck.

He swallowed, trying to shunt those thoughts aside. He wanted her and she wanted him but the pieces didn't fit. He was attracted to her, starting to feel a connection; she was deeply in love with a man he'd forgotten how to be. "Someday, I hope," he mused, trying to ignore how frustrated he was that his memories weren't coming back, and instead stay hopeful that they would. "Someday I'll finish waking up from that coma and then I can take my life back." I hope. And God how I want it so badly. It's hard to believe it though.

"Are you sure you would really want that?" Rachel could barely be heard, and she turned aside and sank down to sit on the bench seat of the patio table, facing out. She whispered something, but Finn couldn't make it out. He carefully sat down next to her.

"What was that?"

"Why did you forget me?" she whispered again.

"I forgot almost three years, it's not you, it's everything," he answered.

"You forgot almost exactly the time we've known each other," she said, tearing up. "Some nights I just can't take it, why? Why couldn't you remember ten days more, a month? Ten days more and you'd remember me. You might be terrified of me, but you'd remember me. A month... a month and you'd love me, at least a little."

Maybe I do anyway, Finn thought. "Crappy coincidence," he said.

"It seems too close for coincidence." She sniffled back tears. "Just – is there something, some deep subconscious part of you, that wanted to forget me?" Rachel buried her face in her hands, her shoulders shaking.

Want this? She thinks there's any part of me that could want this, being trapped like this, and about her, wanting her but blocked from being with her the way we'd want, cut off from my life and probably the best memories I've ever had? Finn wanted to rage at his self-betrayal, express the fury at himself he'd been burying. But he stopped himself as he heard Rachel sob. She needed him, whatever him he had to give her.

He let her cry a little, not sure what to say or do to help her put away her fears. She was right, the coincidence was a close one. But coincidences do happen. And his subconscious certainly didn't seem to want to forget her, not with the things it had done. He put his hand on her shoulder. "Hey," he said, waiting until she wiped her eyes and raised her face to look at him. "This subconscious that you think wanted to forget you, is that really the same one that knows about, uh, that spot?" He gestured to her neck and tried to look encouraging, while still blushing a little at his limited memory of their encounter. "'Cause in that case it's doing a really bad job of forgetting." And you're not the only one lying awake some nights thinking about it.

Rachel looked back at him, sinking into his eyes. "I don't know," she said eventually.

"Well that's the one thing we do know my subconscious remembers." His eyes flickered to her neck, wondering where that spot was. He definitely hadn't been in conscious control of himself then. "It has its priorities, I guess," he said lightly. Rachel chuckled a little in response. "That's better," he said quietly. "Look, if there's one thing my shrink has hammered into what's left of my mind, it's not to jump to conclusions about what is and isn't true. Some memories are pieces, some come in big long chains, he says. Maybe –" he stopped, thinking. "Maybe I just reached the point where the chains ended, a big change that nothing before really goes into." His voice dropped. "Maybe if I had any of it I'd have all of it, all or nothing, that's why it's so close a match."

Rachel turned her face to his, full of fear and hope. "Do you think so?"

"I'm just guessing," he admitted. "But as half-baked guesses go, it's not a bad one." But Finn sighed inwardly. What he'd described to comfort Rachel might be true, but it still didn't help him consciously access or make use of his missing memories. He was happy that he'd been able to ease her fears, but he was still very frustrated with himself. He couldn't live his life on autopilot, and so much seemed to be missing. All those things he'd done during that time, the man he'd become and that Rachel loved – how could he be anything like him?

"Now you're worried," Rachel said softly, looking up into his face.

"I don't know what I'm going to do if I don't," Finn admitted. "If I don't remember. I feel stuck." He groaned. "Like I was supposed to have that time to make something of myself, and I did I guess, but now it's gone and I'm stuck."

"You're not stuck," Rachel replied. "There's so much you can do. I believe in you, Finn, I always have and I always will."

"You believe in who I was."

"No, in you," she insisted. "From the moment we met, I knew there was so much you could do. You're very talented and you're a natural leader, that's always been in you, none of that has changed. You've just forgotten how you started developing those talents, that's all. You can do it again if you need to, I know you can."

Finn looked back at her, sinking into her wide dark eyes that were so full of love and faith. Him before, him now, was he really all that different? Wasn't she right, whatever talents he had were still there, they'd always been there, just needing to be discovered. It was hard to believe he had that in him, but if she thought he was talented, she should know since she certainly was. And with someone like Rachel on his side, all that passion and determination, believing in him... maybe that was the difference. He lowered his head to her, breathing a quiet "thank you" before softly brushing his lips over hers.

She moved her mouth gently in response, kissing him back but still letting him set the pace. Slowly. Finn stayed present, feeling real and strong and so completely with her right then. He felt her hand in his hair, tasted her strawberry lip gloss and some sweetness that was simply her, reveled in the light tease of their lips together, and wished fervently that this was all there was. No forgotten past, no uncertain future, no wondering how he felt about her or how she felt about him as he was now, just the two of them in that moment.

They stayed like that, no idea for how long, until noise from the house told them that Kurt and Blaine had returned.