Timmy had been dreading this day. A day that would likely bring destruction and anguish to all concerned. The day Donkey…was left in charge.

*Psycho Music*

He awoke with trepidation, creeping gingerly on the very points of his tip-toes, a grimy sack slung idly over his shoulder. He glanced warily about himself and filched like a rabbit caught in headlights. He edged toward the door, hunched like Igor as his hand moved toward the door.

Something wet and mushy rushed heavily through the frame, bursting its hinges and reduced the wall to a pile of rubble pouring into the room. It made a noise like a fog horn.

Blinking, stunned was a live sperm whale. A ballast of water poured from the creature's open mouth, reducing Timmy's hair to a wet, drooping arc.

"What the fudge?!" ejaculated a bewildered Timmy.

"Urr," returned the whale.

Sat astride the confused whale, grinning broadly, a bandana wrapped taught around his head, his ears bundled into a visible lump, was Donkey, dressed head to foot in extroverted, theatrical pirate attire, a spotty blue cravat around his neck.

"Do you like him? His name's Fillmore." Donkey chimed in and Timmy had to take a second to compile in his mind exactly what was was happening, even then, his mind was still addled by it.

"Wait-Wait-Wait," Timmy spluttered the threesome words in a single sharp gasp "You have a whale, dare I ask why?"

"I'm Donkey…beard the priate and this my matey Fillmore." Donkey beamed as though that explained everything coherently "We're going to sail the seas!"

"…And why is he here, indoors?

"Huh?"

"Beached whale?" Timmy offered "Fish out of water?"

"Oh right," Donkey nodded sagely "Well, my fish tank just isn't big enough…"

Timmy scowled indignantly "Donkey," began with air of an angry parent "Put him back right now…"

"Uh…"

"What?"

"I can't," Donkey muttered crestfallen "You see I 'borrowed' the keys to Mr. Tibble's crane and he beat me sideways and said if I ever touched it again there'd be an ass on the line."

Timmy stifled not to laugh and the quaint little pun before remembering the extent of its meaning "Well, you're just going to have to push him back in," he sighed, before seeing Donkey's sideways, forlorn frown.

"But…" he bubbled theatrically "He loves me. Just listen."

Fillmore blinked imperceptibly.

The chain of events that had led to Donkey being left in charge was a twisted, bizarre one. Arthur had being devoting a strenuous amount of time to Timmy's training and had unwittingly run himself into the ground.

It was when they were sparring Timmy noticed the lethargic tint saturating in his eyes "Strike swiftly!" he snapped, throwing another brisk blow at Timmy "Your sword is not a tool, it's an extension of yourself." Timmy moved his weapon in a figure of eight, catching the barrage of jabs with ease.

Either he's holding back, or something is wrong…Timmy mused internally, darting forward in a stumbling thrust, that caught the king off guard and made him stagger. The clock buzzed.

"Well done," Arthur panted "You're strength is very raw, but you need to plan ahead and be able to form a strategy in a second's notice…" he huffed and trudged away and Timmy ran after him a lost dog.

"Wait!" he called, and Arthur turned blearily "You're tired." Timmy explained "You've been working around the clock. You need a break."

So, The King set out a search across the land to find a suitable stand-in King, to the very edges of the furthest distances. The nominees auditioned, the candidates were sent to boot camp and the finalists were:

Puss in Boots

Simon Cowl

Arthur, Shrek and Fiona sat at a thick wooden desk, just a thick block of grimy wood and a few stumpy stools. Arthur shuffled his papers nervously and cleared his throat "Please sate your name and qualifications…" he droned plainly.

"I am PUSS-" a pause "In boots, and I'm qualified in being incredibly sexy…" the cat gave them crooked, winning smile.

"NEXT!"

Simon Cowl crossed his legs, folded his arms and sighed dryly "You call that an opening statement? What about where I'm from? You bloody muppet!"

"NEX- oh dear."

The next few hours dragged by like a weight on mesh, grinding by. There was a tepid atmosphere in the room to rival that of a dungeon. The flames of the fireplace crackled obnoxiously at the back of earshot, broadening Arthur's volatile mood. "Well," he sighed "Looks like I'm back on duty…"

"Ahem," Donkey coughed theatrically "I can do this! It's about time a Donkey got some recognition 'round here!" he huffily stamped his hooves.

"NO!" Everyone cried in unison.

"Okay, I guess I'll just go sulk in the corner!" he laughed heartily

Everyone gaped at him, and with that, he trotted into the corner…

Alas, Donkey's incessant begging had eventually caused Arthur to cave in and allow Donkey to harbour his power for one day. After the business with Fillmore, Timmy had strode through the cloisters of the castle, eager to finally explore his surroundings when he came to a heavily insulated room with walls seemingly compiled out of brown packing paper, stitched over several ornate web-like folds.

Knights where groping packages and bundling them onto a conveyer belt where they disappeared behind a plastic curtain to parts unknown.

"What is this place…?" Timmy mused, and one of the knights turned and beamed proudly.

"This, sir, is the royal mail room!" he declared. There was a sudden pause. Timmy felt awkward "Which reminds me," he said "Something came in the inbox for you. It says 'urgent' on it, so you should take a look…" The knight passed Timmy a small white envelope, Timmy held it tightly, it had a pressure about it, like it would make or break him.

Inside was an elegantly folded parchment, but the wild, base writing was un mistakable.

Dear Timmy,

I'm writing to you in secret. If the Fairy Godmother finds this letter, she won't trust me. I need to show you something, how I came to this world. Meet me at the highest peek, behind the sign on the hillside, at midday.

Cheers, Chester.

Timmy knew this kind of thing was usually the lead-in to an elaborate pre-thought-out trap, but something deep inside Timmy told him these summons were sincere "Thanks," he nodded to the Knight "One question: How do you get onto the hill where the sign is mounted?"

"There's a tunnel at the foot of the moutains, follow the catacombs and you'll be at hill by dawn."

"Thanks."

Sat in the corner of the room was a squat wooden chest inside which the Fairy Godmother onlooked through a small knothole "So," she smiled darkly "That worm's headed to the sign…" she paused, changing subject "This chest is so comfy, I mean cushions in a chest, what a stroke of luck!"

"That's not a cushion, it's my head." Charming muttered