Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Marvel-characters!

AN: Since I left the last chapter with such an evil cliffhanger, I decided to update the newest chapter as quickly as possible. So here I am, bringing a gift! I hope you'll enjoy this chapter. The end is coming so enjoy while it lasts :) Oh, and this is one big chapter. I mean really big...like ten-pages-long-big. I just don't want to split certain parts in half just to get more chapters. Again, this worked better as one part so I decided to keep it one part. Sorry for the loooong chapter.

Thanks for the reviews! I'm so glad you're all sticking with me on this one. It's amazing to read all of your thoughts, emotions and ideas! So thank you so much!

~ Shadows and Regrets ~

Chapter 17

Thor watched, completely perplexed, how Loki used a spell and sent him flying backwards. For the shortest second, he thought he would hit the wall of the ship, but instead he found himself landing forcefully on the cold asphalt of a Midgardian road. He needed a moment to understand what had happened. But realization quickly dawned on him; he was back on the surface of the Earth, completely surrounded by fighting Midgardians, Asgardians and Chitauri.

"No," he breathed quietly. He pushed himself onto his elbows and stared at the ship floating above him with wide, disbelieving eyes. Loki was on there trying to destroy every enemy while he was back on the surface. This time, his voice was very loud and very strong. "No!"

"Thor?"

The thunderer couldn't help but look aside. Sif came running towards him. In one hand, she held a long knife and in the other a spear. Her face lightening up when she saw that her friend was alive and well, but Thor barely registered her. He didn't even register that he was currently surrounded by fighting Æsir. He didn't question their sudden presence. He only had eyes for the ship above him. He stood up and began to swing Mjolnir. Maybe he could fly up there in time and to save his brother!

"You're back," this time it was the Captain's voice which distracted him, "did you manage to kill The Other?"

Thor swallowed heavily, but kept his hammer swinging. He glanced aside briefly, but quickly refocused on the spaceship above him. "I must get up there again."

"What happened?" Hawkeye demanded to know. "Where is Loki? Did he betray you again?"

Thor was about to throw his hammer into the right direction when a loud bang could be heard. It was absolutely deafening. A massive explosion followed just above their heads and everyone shielded their heads with their arms. They cast down their eyes when the fire intensified and became extremely bright.

Thor refused to look away even though it felt he was staring into the center of a sun. He could only watch in horror how every ship exploded. It was too late. He couldn't save his brother anymore. He wasn't sure how he felt about that. No tears come to his eyes, nor did his knees suddenly give out. He just stood there, staring while he felt completely…numb. He didn't even know what he was thinking. He doubted he was thinking at all.

He merely looked up, his breath trapped within his chest, his lips slightly parted and his arms hanging weakly beside his body. He had no strength left to hold Mjolnir. It fell to the ground with a dull thud. The asphalt cracked under the intense weight.

"Did we just win?" Hawkeye asked uncertain. He dared to gaze up at the exploding ships. The fire dulled a bit, but the heat was still intense. The Chitauri around them began to fall, one by one, until only humans and Asgardians remained standing. Hawkeye cheered, "Ha! We've won!"

More cheers followed everywhere while people laughed and cried with joy. Some fell in each other's arms, other gave each other firm handshakes. Thor wished they would all just stop. He turned away from them and began to walk. He didn't know where he was heading to and he faintly realized he hadn't picked up his hammer yet.

A hand grabbed his arm and pulled at it. It was a gently, yet very demanded act. Thor spun around and found himself looking at the Captain.

"Where are you going?" Steve asked, frowning. He sounded slightly out of breath. "We have to get off the streets, Thor, because those ships are crashing down and we-"

"Loki was up there," Thor heard himself say. His own voice sounded distant and almost cold. He felt detached not only from the world, but from himself. "He made everything explode. He ended the battle, saved our lives, but he was still up there."

The previous joy and relief from winning the fight vanished from Steve's eyes when he understood what Thor was telling him. The first pieces of debris began to fall down and Steve looked around with concern in his eyes. The people began to abandoning the streets, trying to find shelter in a strong building or underground in the subway.

"If that's true, then he did something heroic," Steve said, "he saved us."

"What does it matter?" Thor all but hissed. He was beginning to feel something; anger and disbelief. "My brother is dead."

"You don't mean that," Steve said stubbornly. He still had a hand on Thor's arm. "I know you are relieved that this planet is safe. I am sorry to hear about Loki, but-"

Thor forcefully pulled his arm loose and turned his back to his friend. He angrily walked away, but Steve only caught up with him. He was adamant about getting Thor to a safe place.

"Please come with me, Thor, we need to find shelter!" Steve tugged at his friend's arm and found that he was willing to follow him. So Steve pulled them both into an underground station. More and more pieces of the destroyed ships began to fall down, causing enormous noise and destruction.

Thor cared nothing for it. His anger was suddenly consumed by an enormous guilt. He began to blame himself for not saving his brother. After a few seconds, that guilt was all he felt.

~ o ~

It was getting late.

An entire day had passed since the battle with the Chitauri and everyone was using the time off to catch up on sleep at Stark Tower which had luckily survived the battle. As soon as they had arrived, Thor had taken a seat in the sofa on the top level of the building and he hadn't moved since. That was a few hours ago. His muscles began to hurt from the constant, tight sitting position, but he didn't bother to move.

Now and again he closed his eyes and he could feel himself drifting off into a deep sleep. He knew it would be dreamless since he was so exhausted. However, he forced himself to open his eyes and keep them open. He didn't want to sleep. He wanted to sit there and think of his brother. He felt absolutely miserable, but he supposed that was only fair. He shouldfeel miserable because he'd failed Loki. He wanted to curse and blame himself for everything that had happened, but in the end it was pointless.

It wouldn't bring Loki back.

The first person to wake from his nap was Tony Stark. Clearly, he was in need of more sleep since he looked like he'd been hit by a train. Perhaps even twice. Tony had dark circles under his eyes and a large bruise just below his jaw. He didn't notice Thor sitting on his couch at first, but then he poured himself a glass of expensive looking whiskey and literally jumped in the air when he did notice the thunderer sitting motionless on his couch.

"Holy mother of-" Tony stopped himself right there and put down the bottle of alcohol. "You scared the hell out of me!"

Thor slowly turned his head and stared at Tony without replying. Tony narrowed his eyes for a moment, examining Thor more closely. He took a new glass from his shelf and poured another double whiskey. He walked towards Thor and handed the drink to him.

"I heard what happened," he said softer this time, more collected, "what Loki did was…admirable."

Thor rolled his eyes and emptied the glass in one go. He pulled a funny face and pressed the glass back into his friend's hands. He had learned a while ago that actually smashing glasses and cups wasn't appreciated by most of humanity. "That's an awful drink."

"This is my best whiskey," Tony said, faking outrage, "don't insult my best whiskey!"

There came no reaction. Thor merely turned to look ahead again and sighed.

"You're right," Tony dropped down on the couch, making sure there was a safe distance between him and Thor, "now isn't the time for jokes or laughter, but you'll have to excuse me because I haven't the faintest idea how to handle a situation like this."

Thor smiled faintly. "Then you should be grateful."

"Yeah," Tony replied solemnly, "I never lost a brother, so I can't begin to imagine what it is you're going through right now, but I feel like I should say something so I'll say this; I am sorry, Thor, I wish I could have done something. I wish I could do something now to make you feel better."

Thor was actually thankful that Tony reacted like this. Loki wasn't the most beloved person on this earth - of this Thor was much too aware - so his deed could easily be overlooked. But here the Iron Man sat, looking actually apologetic and compassionate.

Thor inhaled deeply and closed his eyes. Too many thoughts swirled through his head at the moment so he knew he wouldn't fall asleep.

"I am very tired," he admitted.

"You haven't slept yet?" Tony sounded worried at that point. "The battle was yesterday. I have enough bedrooms in this building. Why don't I find you one that's available so you can get some proper rest?"

Thor glanced at Tony and shook his head. "It is strange, but I do not want to sleep."

"You're exhausted, Thor." Tony waited for a reaction, but Thor only stayed silent while he stared at his folded hands in his lap. "This – what you're doing – is torturing yourself. I get it, you want to feel the pain, you want to make sure that you're devastated by your brother's death because maybe you are alone in doing so and-"

"Stark." Thor sounded absolutely dangerous at that moment. Even his gaze darkened. "If you are wise, you stay silent now."

"Or what?" Tony turned his entire body towards Thor and folded his left leg underneath him. "You suppose I just have to watch you torture yourself? Well, I'm not. You're mourning, you feel hurt. Unfortunately, I do know how that feels. But in your case, you're also scared that you're the only person in this entire universe that actually mourns your brother and that makes you feel very alone."

Thor growled and moved to stand up, but Tony quickly pulled him back down. It was a dangerous move to make, but it was remarkable how easy Thor sat back down. It only showed how tired and empty the God of Thunder truly felt.

"We all admire what Loki did," Tony continued evenly, "he was a pain in the ass and we rather saw him leave than arrive, but he saved us. We're thankful for that. And no, the earth isn't going to mourn him, that's the hard truth, but you are mourning him. Your parents will mourn him and his friends will mourn him."

"How is this supposed to make me feel better?" Thor snapped.

"It isn't," Tony said calmly, "I just wanted to remind you that you are not alone. We are here as well and we can be the friends you need right now."

Thor sighed. He was too tired to argue with Tony. "I appreciate this, Stark, but it all sounds rather senseless."

"Maybe," Tony took a sip from his own glass of whiskey, "but there might come a time when you do want to talk or something – Steve is marvelous at that so I suggest you go to him – and then you'll know we're here for you. We won't turn you away."

Thor stared at his friend for a second and then nodded. "Thank you," he said quietly, "but like you said, I am exhausted and I wish to sleep now. I'll find a room myself." He stood and walked out of the room, craving silence and solitude. He knew sleep wouldn't be for today.

~ o ~

The next morning was difficult for Thor. He knew his father had sent a small army to help defend earth and he was grateful for that. Most of the Æsir had already returned to Asgard since the city of New York had no place to stay to offer to them. Half the city lay in ruins and it would be a long and difficult undertaking to restore everything. It was a painful repeat of the last time the Chitauri invaded.

Not every Æsir had left. The Lady Sif and the Warriors Three had stayed behind on Midgard. Thor didn't know why, but he wanted to avoid them. Perhaps he didn't want to see the indifference in their eyes. He knew for a fact they cared little to nothing for his brother.

So Thor stayed in his room most of the morning.

After both Tony and Clint had come knocking on his door - asking if he would please join them for lunch - Thor decided that when Steve came, he had no choice but to open his door. They wouldn't leave him alone and Thor didn't want them to worry about him. They had enough concerns as it was, with their city in ruins and everything.

Thor joined them for lunch. It was quiet the entire time and he liked it that way. It gave him time to think and to eat in peace. Afterwards, he walked onto the platform on the top floor of Stark's tower and looked at the view. He couldn't help imagine that his brother had stood there just two days ago.

"Here you are." It was Sif's kind voice that sounded behind him. "I've been looking all over for you."

Thor felt guilty for avoiding her. He found it difficult to look into her eyes, however, so he kept his gaze on the horizon. Sif came to stand beside him, her hair pulled back into a tight ponytail while she still wore her battle outfit. She looked fierce and strong as ever. Thor knew it was rude not to look at her so he shifted his gaze and found her brown eyes sympathetic.

At that moment, he realized he had also missed her. Sif was one of his closest and oldest friends. If he could not confide in her, then he could confide in no one.

"I'm afraid to go home," he admitted.

She frowned.

"Mother adored Loki," he explained with a heavy sigh, "how am I supposed to go home and tell her that her son is dead? How am I supposed to do that?"

Sif took his hand into her own and squeezed it in a comforting way. "Thor…" She was clearly lost for words.

"I didn't protect him, Sif. As his brother, it was my job to protect him no matter what. I failed and now he is dead!"

"You miss him which is understandable-"

"That's not the point." Thor angrily pulled his hand free. Sif looked momentarily shocked, but she quickly regained her normal collected composure. Thor instantly felt guilty for scaring her like that, but then he remembered she didn't feel sorry about Loki's dead. Or did she? Was she hiding it from him? If he looked closely, he swore he could see the smallest hint of grief in her eyes. "The point is this," Thor continued, his voice still hard, "I must go home to tell mother this awful news and break her heart."

Sif shook her head. She obviously hated that Thor was so distressed and hurt. "You should be glad-" She quickly closed her mouth.

Thor stumbled back. "I should be glad? For what?"

"Forget I said anything," Sif asked softly.

"No!" Thor crossed his arms before his chest, his unwavering from Sif's. He was beginning to think he had imagined her grief earlier. "I should be glad about what, Sif? That Loki died? That he died in an exploding spaceship? As opposed to what?"

"As opposed to die a villain." The words sounded bitter. She appeared ashamed that she had said them and she quickly cast her eyes down. She bit down on her lip.

Thor was too horrified to respond. He didn't know why she would even think this.

"I am sorry," she breathed, "please forget I said anything."

"No, you said it and you cannot take it back," Thor countered, still angry and horrified, "How can you even think this?"

Sif was never the person to let her thoughts go unsaid, not when they were met with so much defiance. "He tried to kill you only months ago," she said harshly, "he locked you in a glass cell that was made for that green monster and dropped you from a flying ship. Things could have ended differently then. You could have died!"

"He was lost back then," Thor argued, "when we were on The Other's ship, I felt we were brothers again."

Sif inhaled deeply. Her defensive composure changed once again and her entire face softened. "That must have been nice."

Thor turned to look at the horizon again. He hadn't intended on arguing with Sif. Not now, not today. "In some ways you've known Loki better than all of us."

A deep frown covered Sif's brow.

"It is true," Thor clarified with his voice more gentle, "you two couldn't stand each other because you could read each other so easily. While I was being a naïve, egotistical and reckless brother, you noticed how Loki grew jealous of me. You noticed how that jealousy grew within him until it became a consuming darkness he couldn't escape anymore. You noticed while I was too busy with myself."

"That doesn't mean you're to blame."

"It doesn't?" Thor raised his eyebrows and he watched his friend shake her head. "Maybe if I had noticed or listened to you, I would have done something different. Maybe it wouldn't have mattered, but maybe it would have."

"There is nothing you can do now," Sif said, "everything that has happened…it is all because of choices that were made. Both yours and Loki's."

"Remember when we were children and father sent us to Heimdall?" Thor could remember that day so clearly and he could see that Sif remembered it as well. "He was to educate us about the wonders and mysteries of the universe. I barely listened to him. I remember I just wanted to get it over with so that we could all go and train with our wooden swords."

"I remember," Sif smiled weakly.

"But Loki was always so thirsty for knowledge," Thor continued, smiling faintly as well, "but I remember Heimdall telling us that the universe is infinite and that there are a million different realities. A million million! In some of those, Loki is still alive right now because I made a different choice. Instead, I am going home tomorrow to tell my parents that I failed my one utmost important task. I failed to save their son."

Sif swallowed heavily and Thor walked away.

"Thor…" she called after him, "Thor!"

But Thor only continued to walk away from her. He craved solitude again. He craved time to prepare himself for his imminent return home. He dreaded that moment, but he had no other choice.

~ o ~

As usual, Heimdall greeted Thor and his four friends when they arrived on Asgard. The gatekeeper lifted his heavy sword from the machine while keeping his penetrating gaze fixed on the prince. "Welcome back, Thor Odinson," he said in his usual deep and formal voice, "I have watched your battle with the Chitauri. It is a formidable victory."

The Lady Sif and the Warriors Three left the round room, but Thor had a question for the guardian Odin trusted most.

"You have seen then," he said, "you have seen what my brother has done?"

"Indeed I have."

"Do my parents know?"

Heimdall's gaze remained stern. He had a simple answer, "Yes."

Thor spun around and strode away. Mjolnir lay heavy in the palm of his hand. He was starting to doubt if he was worthy of this mighty weapon. He was supposed to be the almighty Thor of Asgard. All around the nine realms, his name was known and they all spoke of his bravery and valor. Thor no longer believed he was worthy of that. He was supposed to be King one day, the leader and protector of this realm. How was he supposed to succeed if he could not even protect his own brother?

He entered the palace and slowly made his way towards the throne room. He knew he would find his mother and father there. He wondered how he should address them. As his parents? As his King and Queen? It wasn't always easy to be a prince, certainly not in a situation like this.

When he arrived at the throne room, he took a moment to steady himself. There stood two guards before a large, golden door. When Thor gave them a curt nod, the guard on the right pushed open the door and stepped aside. There was no way Thor could turn back now, so he inhaled deeply and walked inside.

As usual, Odin was sitting on his throne while Frigga stood at his side. Sif and the Warriors Three were present as well and Thor found another dozen Asgardian elders standing before the King. They all stared at him as he entered and Thor found their gazes heavy. When he arrived before the steps leading to the throne, he knelt down on one knee and placed a fist on his chest. He respectfully bowed his head.

"Stand, my son," Odin said.

Thor obeyed. It was difficult to look at his father. His one blue eye stood surprisingly dull and he looked very tired. Thor began to worry that his father might fall into the odinsleep soon. Then he let his gaze fell upon the frail figure of his mother. He found he had a lump in his throat. It was as if he had forgotten how to speak.

"We are glad you have returned safely," Odin said after a short silence, "the Lady Sif and the Warriors Three have already explained to me how the battle has been won."

"Then you know of Loki's fate?" Thor asked. He watched how Frigga placed a comforting hand on Odin's shoulder. "I am sorry, father, I could not save him. I am sorry, mother, that you must go through this. I know Loki was loved by both of you."

"He was," Frigga replied softly. Grief lay thick in her voice. "He shall be missed. He shall be remembered and-" A small chocking sound came from her throat. She quickly looked away and covered her mouth with her free hand. Tears streamed down. "Forgive me," she whispered.

"No, forgive me," Thor countered. He felt his heart break when he saw his mother like this. "I was unable to protect your son, I was unable to save him."

Frigga came down the steps and embraced him. "Don't do this to yourself, Thor," she told him quietly, "you did everything you could. Loki made his own choices and this was one of them. You were unable to save him because he chose to save you. We should feel pride."

Thor nodded and buried his face in his mother's hair. "I am proud, but that does not take away the hurt and grief."

Frigga let go of her son and smiled weakly. "Of course it doesn't," she replied. She dried her wet cheeks, but it was a pointless act since she was still crying. "That only goes to show how much we loved him. He had his schemes and his mischievousness, but I refuse to believe he had a black heart. He loved us even though he was afraid to show it."

"You are wise, mother," Thor replied. He looked into her eyes and he could see something…almost tangible in them. He felt that if he looked long enough in her kind brown eyes, he would feel her love for Loki. It was comforting to know that he was not alone in his pain. It turned out Tony Stark had been right after all.

"You need rest, Thor," Odin's voice echoed faintly through the room, "you've been through a difficult time."

Thor nodded. He actually longed for sleep. It would ease away his pain for the next few hours. It would make reality disappear and he was looking forward to that. A dreamless sleep was all he needed right now. Then reality would crash in again and he would be forced to experience all the pain again. It was only logical.

It's what he deserved for not saving his brother.

~ o ~

Three weeks later

~ o ~

Since the attack of the Chitauri, everything had been peaceful. Thor had asked Heimdall to keep an eye on Midgard, but the realm was slowly settling back into a peaceful time. The Avengers had been bugged by a few minor attacks, but it was nothing they couldn't handle. The city of New York was being cleaned and rebuild.

Thor missed his mortal friends, but he could not go to them. Not now.

Every morning, he went to his father and they discussed urgent matters of Asgard. Odin had grown old and tired and the time for a long odinsleep was indeed coming near. Thor had to be prepared to take control of the throne even though this was not what he wanted at the moment. Mostly, he craved solitude, but as prince of Asgard he could not lock himself away in his chamber all the time.

In the afternoon, he would join his mother in her garden. They strolled around for a while, talked about everything and nothing and recalled fond memories of Loki. They were mostly about his mischief when he'd been a young boy. These afternoons passed all too quickly and Thor could tell his mother enjoyed the greatly. Thus he could not leave her for his mortal friends.

He was on his way to his chamber one late afternoon when he heard Sif call out his name. He spun around and watched his friend approach. She was wearing her battle outfit and held a long, thin sword in her right hand. Thor could see the edges of the blade were dull.

"Why don't you join me and the Warriors Three for training?" she asked. Her gaze stood hopeful and she smiled. Sif had always been a pretty girl and she had turned into a very beautiful woman. Thor used to be unable to deny her anything when she used her most disarming smile, but now he found himself unaffected by it.

"I'll have to decline," he answered politely, "I'm sure you will enjoy yourself without me."

Sif's smile melted away. The hope in her eyes became concern. "We haven't seen you on the training grounds in so long," she said, "we worry about you, Thor."

Thor leaned forward and pressed a kiss on Sif's forehead. "Don't," he said warmly, "I am fine."

He walked away from his friend, knowing full well that she would only worry more about him. He walked back to his chambers and sat down at the long table that stood near the window. The surface of said table used to be empty all the time, but now it lay covered with books and papers. Thor had ordered two servants to bring him Loki's favorite books. He had never showed any interest in his brother's literature, but now he felt compelled to read as much as possible.

He knew it was too late now, but perhaps he could learn more about his brother this way. What had interested him so in these books? What thoughts had they unlocked? Thor would not admit it to anyone - except to his mother – but he greatly enjoyed reading everything that lay on the table. There were stories of adventure and of love. There were scientific books as well as books on magic. Those he did not really understand and he began to admire Loki's intellect.

So he read for a few hours and then went to bed. He'd skipped dinner, but he was sure his absence would go unnoticed. These last few weeks, he had mostly eaten in his chambers. Frigga sometimes joined him, but whenever Sif or the warriors Three came knocking on his door, he politely asked them to leave him be.

When Thor looked up one moment, he was surprised to find the sky outside completely dark. Only the moon gave some light. He hadn't realized he had been reading for so long. He decided it was time to crawl underneath the covers of his bed. He wished for a dream he wouldn't remember in the morning and he thought about Sif and how worried she had appeared. Then he fell asleep without even realizing it.

His dream was restless as he found himself back on earth, fighting thousands of Chitauri while his brother lay dead at his feet.

Thor awoke while breathing heavily. A soft breeze played across his skin and he frowned. He didn't remember leaving his window open when he'd gone to bed. He turned his head and felt his heart skip a beat when he saw a figure standing at the window. He instantly sat up and reached for Mjolnir.

The figure turned towards him and Thor could now see his face ever so clearly in the bleak moonlight.

"Loki?"