It had been almost five months since they lost the baby and so much had changed. Every time Olivia would reach for Alex she would pull away. She no longer wanted Olivia to hold her at night. When Alex thought Olivia was asleep she would hear her whisper how sorry that she was that she lost the baby. Olivia, who after the first few nights of trying to comfort Alex, would just lay there as the tears fell silently. Finally it became too much for Olivia and she decided to confront Alex.

"Alex can we talk?" Olivia asked as she reached for her.

"About?" Alex asked not bothering to look at Olivia but recoiling from her touch.

"The baby."

"There's nothing to say Olivia." Alex said as she turned to walk away but was stopped when Olivia grabbed her roughly and pulled her back to her.

"There is damn it." Olivia said softly as she raised Alex's face up so she could look into her eyes "I lost him too. I'm grieving too but you're shutting me out. I'm sorry it happened and if I could turn back time I would. I would carry him to prevent you from ever feeling this."

"No one should ever feel like I do."

"Your right its not fair but it happened. Please lets work past it, not forget him, but past it."

"How can you say that Olivia. I lost our child."

"DUE TO CIRCUMSTANCES BEYOND YOUR CONTROL." Olivia screamed at Alex "YOU DID NOTHING WRONG."

"I WORKED" Alex shouted back "LONG HOURS NOT GETTING ENOUGH REST."

"YOU" Olivia started to scream but to a deep breath to control herself "You think you working caused this?"

"How can you say I didn't?" I carried him in my stomach for six months. It was my responsibility to make sure I kept him safe and healthy. I didn't do that. Maybe it was because of the hours I worked. There were a lot of times I only got four hours sleep. Most of my meals during the day came from a card board box."

"Blondie that has nothing to do with it. I talked to the doctor while you were out from the D&C. He explained to me what happened. Remember how you said Jonas was always moving and kicking."

"Of course I do" Alex whispered as she placed her hands on her stomach.

"He was able to get the cord wrapped around his neck due to all his movements. At one point when her somersaulted as you always said, the cord circled his neck. The more he moved and flipped the tighter it got. It had nothing to do with you working or how you ate. It just happened."

"Thank you Liv but I will always feel like its my fault. Look, I didn't work with Madeline. She was perfectly healthy. Not one problem. I worked with Jonas and I lost him."

"That has nothing to do with it. Honey Melinda has a beautiful daughter. Was in the air force at the time she carried and delivered her. Working more hours than any of us could imagine. She left the air force and her and Marcus had tried to have another one. Three times she was pregnant and three times she lost the baby. She was a stay at home mom then. The thing is these things happen."

"Why us?" Alex asked the question that had been running through her mind since that day as she broke down. "Why us? We worked so hard."

Olivia pulled Alex into her arms and held her tight as she cried. Whispering over and over again that she couldn't explain it.

Finally after what seemed like forever Alex gained her composure and looked at Olivia. The pain and hurt she saw in Olivia's eyes tore her to pieces again. Olivia who had tried to do everything to make her feel better was suffering as much as she was.

"I'm sorry" Alex whispered as she wiped her tears away.

"Don't be" Olivia whispered "I'm here for you. You don't always have to be the strong one. I'm here for you to lean on."

"I know I just felt like such a failure to you not being able to carry your child. Especially after I worked so hard to convince you it would be ok."

"Alexandra Benson you will always be a loving caring, devoted, wife to me. An outstanding attorney and one hell of a victim's advocate but you have never and will never be a failure to me. I promise you I love you more at this moment then I have since the day I walked into the café to study. I could careless if you can never carry children again. As long as you and Madeline are by my side till I die. That's all that matters to me. All that will ever matter to me."

"I love you Olivia Benson." Alex whispered as she pulled Olivia in for a kiss.

Slowly through out the day Olivia and Alex was able to reconnect and come to an agreement that they needed counseling to work through everything. How she felt like Olivia was right about not having a child with her genetics when she lost the baby. That this was god's way of preventing her genes from being passed on.

Olivia finally let Alex know the pain she felt and how she felt it was her fault for Alex losing the baby. That she was not at home as much as she was with Madeleine and that left Alex to much burden to carry. That she too felt like it was god's way of preventing her from passing on her genes. That was until she watched Alex's stomach grow with their child inside made her rethink everything. That night for the first time in five months Alex allowed Olivia to hold her as they drifted off to sleep.

Throughout the next year Alex and Olivia attended counseling on a regular basis. With the help of counseling was able to overcome the loss of their child. Or at least as much as one person ever could. Things had gone back to normal. Alex was back to working with the Victim Action League and Olivia as always putting in to many hours at work.

As it neared Olivia's birthday Alex wanted to surprise Olivia. If anyone deserved an outstanding present it was Olivia. She just hoped that what she had planned wouldn't back fire and make Olivia mad. If so she would have to go beyond begging for forgiveness.