Author's Note: Thanks to my friend for helping me come up with the title for this, and the following chapter.

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds.

NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY;

If she can do it, so can I, JJ thought to herself angrily as she left work for the day, catching a brief glimpse of Emily as she did. The flowers still sat on the desk along side the brunette providing a reminder of everything that she would never completely have, of everything that she never really had in the first place.

She hadn't been able to bring herself to be in the company of Emily all day. She was too angry that the brunette clearly didn't share her feelings, though she knew that she had no right to be. She'd made a mistake in letting her jealousy show earlier that day; it certainly wasn't going to do her any favours and honestly, she knew that Emily had technically done nothing wrong. It was what they had agreed on in the beginning, and more than that, it was she herself who had even suggested it. But tonight, she was seeing Will, and what better opportunity to prove, to herself also, that she didn't care. She was falling back on old reliable once again - using sex as a way to escape - and she hated herself for it, but the come down from the drug that Emily had proved herself to be was excruciating; she needed something to ebb the withdrawals, get her back to her old self. And in that moment, she lost any semblance of decency and neglected to entertain the truth that she was simply using one escape route to escape another.

Later that evening though, as she perched herself on the end of her bed, dressed immaculately for a romantic even with someone who she no longer had any romantic feelings towards, JJ couldn't help but imagine, for just one brief moment, that she was actually preparing for a date with Emily; the date that they had never actually had. She wondered what Emily would think of her dress, where they'd go and what they'd do, whether she'd be nervous even though they were more than familiar with each other, and as she fell deeper into the fantasy, she felt herself begin to smile at the notion. But both unfortunately and thankfully, she was soon shaken from her thoughts by a knock at the door.

It wasn't as though she had forgotten what Will looked like, but as she opened the door and was met by the man standing before her, she felt suddenly disappointed; as if she had been expecting someone else. Maybe she hadn't shaken the thoughts of Emily as well as she'd thought. What the hell am I doing? She sighed to herself even as a perfect smile crept across her face.

"Hey, chere. You look amazing." Will greeted, a goofy grin on his face. "Ready to go?"

"Yeah, sure." JJ replied, turning her face away to hide her apparent disappointment as she grabbed her purse and locked the door behind her.

Approaching the bar some time later, JJ became suddenly aware of Will's hand on the small of her back, and even more aware of the feeling that this sent through her. It wasn't a feeling of electricity, or a feeling of excitement like she felt each and every time that Emily touched her, but more a feeling a nausea and the sudden need to get as far away from this small contact as possible.

She was relieved once they'd gotten their drinks and found a table, and was sure to sit opposite Will, making it difficult for him to touch her, even accidentally. But as they engaged in trivial conversation - the usual how have you been, and whats new - JJ found herself again wondering what she was doing in that situation. All she could think of was Emily. Emily..

"So, how's Emily doing?" Will asked as if reading JJ's thoughts, shaking her from her daze.

Her blue eyes shot open. "Oh, um.. She's-she's good." JJ replied, feeling a little confused and even invaded by the strange coincidence.

"Good, good. She seeing anyone?" He continued as he took a sip of his beer.

Hah. Well if today's over the top gesture is anything to go by, I'd say that she's more than seeing someone. God, jealousy really does not suit me. "I don't really know. She's fairly private so.." JJ lied with a shrug, trying to hide what was forcing itself through her brain as she took a large gulp of her wine.

"Well, she's a good looking girl and-"

"Anybody would think that you'd rather be here with her." JJ spat out more harsh than she'd intended, cutting Will off and feeling instantly guilty for it. "I mean.. Let's talk about you." Her hand reached out immediately for his, hoping that the touch would distract him enough for him to not question her sudden outburst. "How's things been with you since we last spoke?"

"Well, it's been up and down.."

JJ couldn't make out what he said after that. She'd zoned out not along after asking the question that she cared very little to know the answer to, her mind firmly fixed on the one person who she was trying so desperately to forget. Her brain wondered in no real direction through thoughts of Emily; not necessarily the sexual ones, but mostly the simple everyday ones - the way that she licked the corner of her mouth when she was deep in thought, or about to break some bad news; the way her dark eyes lit up when she smiled; the way that her mothering instinct automatically took over when a child was involved in one of their cases; how she would make a brilliant mother; how she would love to be a mother with her; the flowers that she had received.. And at that last thought, JJ became once again angry with herself, once again irrationally angry with Emily.

"Are you okay? You seemed to disappear on me for a second there." Will asked, seeming genuinely concerned.

"Uh.. yeah. Sorry." JJ replied with a fake smile, snapping out of her daydream and turning her attention to the man in front of her. "Do you wanna get out of here?"

Will thought for a second, about to point out that they'd only just got there, but in seeing an opportunity, he replied with a smile. "Yeah, why not."

They'd barely made it to Will's car before JJ lunged at him, pressing her lips firmly against his, as if trying to find evidence strong enough to force away her thoughts, confirm that anything that she felt for Emily wasn't real, that she'd feel the same for anyone who she was intimate with.

Will allowed himself a second to question what was happening before desire took over and he went along with the blondes advances. The side street where he had parked his car was dark, lit only at the far end by one street light and for a moment he felt guilty - was this really how she wanted to do this? But then he felt her hand work it's way into his pants and stroke down his while length and he was lost.

"You should unlock the car." JJ spoke quickly, almost desperately as she stroked his cock; a desperation that wasn't the result of desire, but more the result of the need to just get her fix. Emily was flashing in her mind in bursts of colour and it was becoming increasingly difficult to ignore it. She couldn't breathe; she needed this.

With one last questioning look at JJ through his heavy lust-filled eye lids, Will quickly fumbled to unlock the car as JJ ran around to the passenger side and climbed in. He'd barely even closed the door behind him before her hands was on his pants once again, unbuckling the belt and unzipping the fly enough to pull them to his knees. And when she freed his cock from his boxers and it met the cold air of his vehicle, the moan that left his lips signified the last semblance of his own decency leaving.

JJ stroked his cock slowly as she awkwardly forced his hand against her own heat. The point of this was to forget Emily, and yet she was still bringing Emily into it. She was almost grateful when her own maneuver to wrap her lips around the tip of his member rendered him unable or unwilling to touch her anymore and instead pressed his hand to the back of her head.

"Oh fuck, JJ.." Will hissed his pleasure as JJ's hot, wet mouth descended around him. In the back of his brain, something was telling him that this was totally wrong, but his other brain was winning in this scenario, and as JJ bobbed her head up and down as she licked and sucked, he was completely lost. "Mmmm.. Oh that's it baby, so fucking good.."

JJ blocked out his words, tried in vain to pretend that his grunts of pleasure were Emily's somehow elegant moans, and as her mouth worked Will into a frenzy, she used her free hand to toss her own panties to the ground in preparation for what she hoped would finally erase the brunette from her mind. But as she pulled her mouth back, moved into a straddling position over his thighs to lower herself down onto his cock, her own blue eyes met his and she stopped suddenly.

"Oh god.." She almost whispered as she quickly moved away from him, her hand against her lips as she realised just what she had done. "I-I can't do this. I'm so sorry, I.."

"It's okay, JJ." Will tried to reassure as he fixed his clothing and covered himself; his own guilt plaguing him. "I should never have allowed this to happen, I'm just.. I'm human, you know? But I'm sorry, Jayje." He wasn't trying to make excuses, he was simply trying to figure out if that really had been his fault, and if it had, why he had let himself do such a thing? He wasn't that kind of guy.

"Oh no, don't be sorry! Please, it was my fault!" JJ spoke frantically, her hands going out as she tried to reassure the detective and erase her own guilt, before looking down at the ground and continuing in defeat. "I-I think it'd be best if you took me home.."

Saying nothing, frankly unsure of what he should say, Will simply nodded in agreement and turned the key in the ignition. One half of him was still focused on the painful erection in his pants, but he couldn't ignore the look in JJ's eyes; it was like she was searching for answers when she didn't even know the question, and he knew that feeling - it was the same feeling that he'd felt before they'd parted ways years ago, the same feeling that he felt right now, actually.

The journey back to JJ's was spent mostly in silence and Will had barely gotten them into the driveway before the blonde was wishing him well and exiting the car, desperate to get as far away from him as possible, as far away from everything that had just unfolded as possible, as far away from herself as possibly. But softly spoken words snapped her from her own mind.

"JJ.." Will paused until the blonde crouched a little and looked him in the eye through the passenger side door. "Is it Emily?"

She had no chance to stop her sob before it broke free from her lips and Will was out of the car and holding her within a second, humming soft, comforting words into her ear as he stroked back her hair.

"Shhh, it's okay. It's okay." He didn't have all the pieces to the puzzle, but he was almost certain of what image the pieces that he did have equated to. "Did she hurt you? Because if she did-"

"No." JJ managed to force out as she pulled back from his chest and swiped at her tears. "It isn't her fault."

"Then what is it, chere?"

The only emotion in Will's eyes was concern; genuine concern that had no ulterior motive, and JJ found herself stuck somewhere between wanting to push away what she was certain that she didn't deserve, and wanting to dive head on into it and welcome it's ease and clarity. But then she grew angry with herself; how was she still contemplating using him? Shaking her head, she lied. "We just had an argument, that's all."

"It doesn't seem like that to me." Will spoke seriously. Yep, he did know that look in her eyes, because he was certain that it was the same look that was in his own eyes right now as he pieced something together. "It seems like you've had your heart broken, Jayje."

"Yeah, well.." JJ shrugged, trying desperately to smile it all away. "I deserve no more than that."

"Hey, that isn't true at all." Will grabbed JJ's arms and forced her to look at him, speaking from his heart the words of wisdom that she would never know were only in his mind because of her; because of what he'd learnt from his feelings for her. "JJ, sometimes we get our heart broken. Sometimes that's someone elses fault, and sometimes that's our fault." He didn't know the details of what had happened between her and Emily, but if what had just happened in the car was anything to go by, he wasn't certain that JJ's pain was wholly Emily's fault. "But what I do know is that if you really do love someone, it doesn't matter what they've done, what they do. You have to fight for them until you are 100% certain that you've done all you can and that.. that it's just genuinely not meant to be." He paused for a moment, contemplating his next words. He had vowed to never tell JJ how he felt about her if he found that she didn't reciprocate, but he himself was already on the final step of the advice that he was currently giving, and finally finding that closure meant doing what he had always vowed he wouldn't. "That's what I did.."

JJ heard the implications in Will's words and suddenly felt more guilt than she ever had. "Oh god, Will.. I am so sorry. I didn't-I didn't know."

"It's okay. Honestly, it really is." And it really was. He had had plenty of years to come to terms with the prospect that him and JJ would never be anything real, and the point of tonight was simply to confirm that - a confirmation that he had certainly received and a part of him actually felt relieved at that. "I have closure now, Jayje. I think you need that too. You need to find out whether the person you love.. Whether Emily, could ever really be yours, and if she can't, you need to let her go with grace." Stepping forward and placing a kiss upon JJ's forehead, Will spoke one more time before turning to leave. "Goodbye, JJ. Take care."

JJ simply watched him go, her mind split between his admission and his advice. She hated that she'd hurt him. It had never been what she had set out to do, but as he sped off into the night, she couldn't help but divert her attention to the rest of his words; the ones that told her unequivocally that this with Emily had to come to an end.

She was already filtering through her contact list before she made it into her house, searching for Emily's name before she lost the nerve. She hit call instantly, afraid that her courage would abandon her, and with knots in her stomach, she slowly lifted the phone to her ear.. only to be greeted by a robotic, female voice informing her that the number in question wasn't available at the minute, and that she could leave a message if she wished to do so.

But JJ didn't leave a message, JJ didn't do anything except drop the phone to the ground in defeat. Along with a slight bout of concern for Emily's well-being - the brunette never turned off her phone without good reason - she was totally fucking lost. It had taken all that she had to build the courage to call Emily; it had been months in the making and involved her throwing herself at Will and then having Will kick her in the right direction before finding that courage.. and in the wake of her failed attempt, there was no getting it back.