I was open with Isabella about my dating Carmen— to an extent. She knew I kissed her on our second date, parked outside her house. I neglected to inform her the kiss led to an intense make out session, which included steamed windows, swollen lips, messy hair, and untucked shirts. She probably wanted to know those details as much as I wanted to know them about her and Jake.
Isabella admitted it was weird to see me dating but I reassured my daughter she was, and always would be, my number one girl. I wasn't looking for a wife (although I wasn't opposed to it) and I certainly wasn't looking for a stepmom for her. All I wanted was to build a friendship with someone who could understand the trials of being a 30-something, single parent. I could tell Isabella was relieved to know there wasn't anything to get worked up over.
Speaking of worked up….
Carmen and I had some serious pent-up sexual frustration. For me at least, it was years in the making. The night of our first make out session, she invited me inside. I regretfully and politely declined. She agreed, admitting she didn't think she was ready for the next step either. We decided we needed to rein it in a bit. Easier said than done.
The following night, while Isabella was out with Jake, Carmen and I got a little...amorous. We avoided the bedroom like the plague, knowing things were likely to spiral out of control in there. So we made out in the living room. You'd think I would have learned my lesson all those years ago with Tori….
We were horizontal on the couch when Isabelle and Jake came home, unbeknownst to us. At the sound of my daughter gagging and Jake's guffaw I froze, then hopped off Carmen who sat up while straightening her shirt and smoothing down her hair. I tried- unsuccessfully- to inconspicuously hide the bulge in my pants while looking innocent and casual. Thank God we were fully dressed.
"Isabella, hi. Jake." I gave a curt nod in his direction.
Being caught dry humping like a sex-crazed teenager by my sex-crazed teenager and her tsk-ing boyfriend was mortifying. Isabella's face was equally as red as mine. Carmen left abruptly, and Jake soon followed her lead. My daughter and I didn't speak of the incident again. I was an adult doing an adult activity, and didn't think I should have to explain myself to Isabella. Besides, I needed a cold shower in a major way and when I came out, Isabella was already in bed.
Two dates later, however, Carmen and I were at third base (and no, I didn't need to the internet to tell me what or where it was.) So much for reining it in.
Not wanting to get caught again, we took it to my bedroom and locked the door. Practically naked and with the house to ourselves, there was nothing and no one to stop us.
"I'm okay if you want to do this," Carmen panted into my ear.
I cocked her an eyebrow because I sure as fuck was fine with that. "Really? We didn't want to rush anything."
She gestured between her nude body, and me in only my boxers. "I think we're pretty much there, don't you?"
I kissed her then, hard and urgent. Once the idea of going all the way was out there, I wasn't going to let anything stop us.
Except for one, small detail. I couldn't find a condom for the life of me. I was certain I had a close-to-expiring box in my bathroom but it wasn't anywhere to be found. I even rummaged through Isabella's room - scared for what I might find but desperate enough not to care. Nada.
We both 'finished' that night, just not in the way we had hoped.
The following day, while grocery shopping, I decided I'd better stock up. Even at 35-years old, buying condoms made me slink around the aisle like I was on a secret 007 mission - my ball cap pulled low to conceal my identity.
Purchasing condoms was a daunting task. Should I get ribbed for her pleasure, or Fire and Ice for mine? Let's be honest- it was already guaranteed to be my pleasure so I chose some geared for her, in case I was... a little out of practice.
I was on my way to the checkout when I turned back, deciding to pick up a second box. You never know, it doesn't hurt to be prepared. I quite literally bumped into another shopper. I mumbled my apologies all while avoiding eye contact and staring at the floor. Except I recognized those god-awful, size fourteen, neon orange sneakers.
Jake.
"Oh, hey, Mr. C." He toyed with the box in his hands. I couldn't help but to notice he chose Fire and Ice for his pleasure. Of course he did, selfish little fucker. I glared at him.
"How's Carmen?" His eyebrows flicked suggestively. I wanted to suffocate him with a condom. I know we had an understanding after his spat with Isabella, but it extended to that one night only. Besides, all bets were off in the condom aisle.
I took a step closer, snarling at him through my scowl. "I'm not interested in discussing my personal life with you and I certainly do not want to know about yours, especially since it involves my daughter."
"Heh heh," Jake chucked nervously. I wanted to punch his face. "At least you caught me buying condoms and not those," he gestured to the pregnancy tests nearby. "Wouldn't the alternative be far worse?"
I stroked my chin thoughtfully. "I don't know. See, in my head, if the alternative were the case and you made me a grandpa, you'd be a dead man and I'd probably be okay with that." I smirked. Jake swallowed hard, beads of sweat on his forehead.
"I should go."
He buggered off before I could pass him the box of extra small variety condoms.
Fucker.
The next weekend, when Aaron was at his dad's, Carmen and I took our relationship to the next level. It was...wow. Sublime comes to mind. I really don't have any other word for it. It had been a long time since I'd made love. I hadn't been completely celibate over the years, but wouldn't consider any of the handful of women I'd been with to be anything special.
My nerves threatened to take over, but once we were in her bed I went with what I knew. And apparently I still knew what I was doing- multiple times, thank you very much!
#stillgotit
Unfortunately, my stamina wasn't what it used to be. The double-header knocked me out cold.
I awoke with a start, legs tangled in the sheets with Carmen's. Fumbling in the dark, I located the clock radio, squinting in disbelief at the neon green digits. Fuck! It was 1:30. In the fucking morning. I shot up out of bed, ripping the covers off, waking my bedmate in the process. I yanked on my khakis while Carmen located my shirt and cell phone.
"It looks like Isabella called. A few times."
"Fuck!" I growled as I tugged my undershirt over my head and fought with the buttons on my dress shirt. I hopped around on one foot as I tried to put my shoe on while simultaneously calling Isabella back and rushing downstairs.
"Dad! Oh my God, I've been so worried. Are you okay?" Her voice was frantic; I felt awful.
"I'm so sorry!" I kissed Carmen and whispered goodbye. "I totally lost track of time."
"You're with Carmen, aren't you?" I couldn't tell from her tone if she was pissed off or not.
"Not exactly." It wasn't a lie. I was technically outside her house, walking toward my car.
My daughter's not stupid.
"Nice try."
"Okay, I was with Carmen but then...I had car trouble and…and I couldn't find my phone...yeah. So, I'm on my way now; see you in twenty." I tripped over my own words like a blithering idiot.
Isabella chuckled. "Drive safe."
When I got home, my daughter was waiting up. She stood in the middle of the living room, arms crossed over her chest, clad in pajamas, and her hair in a messy twisty-bun thing on the top of her head. She looked more the part of a parent than I did in my disheveled state. Isabella made a point of looking at her watch, succeeding in making me feel extremely guilty, even more so when she 'tsk tsked ' me. The tables were turned.
"I'm so sorry. I should set a better example."
"Maybe you'll cut me some slack when I get in past curfew because 'I lost track of time.' We both know what that means." She smirked.
"We weren't...I wasn't…"
Isabella said nothing except point at my shirt. Not only was it on inside out, I'd missed a few buttons, it was untucked and more than slightly skewed.
"And your hair's totally crazed."
I dragged my fingers through it and shrugged sheepishly. Guilty as charged.
"Did you use protection?" Isabella mocked in a dad-worthy voice.
"Duh. I wouldn't want another you running around." I ruffled her head and she stuck her tongue out at me. "We should probably get to bed."
Isabella nodded. "You're going to have fun opening the coffee shop in, oh," she checked the time. "Three hours."
Before we separated in our respective bedrooms Isabella turned serious for a minute.
"Hey, Dad?"
"Yes, Sweetheart?" I answered with a yawn.
"You okay?"
I smiled and gave her a one armed hug before sending her off to bed. "I'm definitely okay."
And I was. Hell, I was more than okay, I was great. I got laid for the first time in...a while. But it was more than that. I liked Carmen, a lot. Maybe, possibly it could turn into something more. If I let myself, I could envision a future with her.
Unfortunately, sometimes life takes us in different directions. Or different states as it were in our case.
Just nine weeks after our relationship began, Carmen showed up at the coffee shop mid-morning on a Tuesday. I knew something was up before she said a word. I took her to the back office where she tearfully told me she'd been offered a job at a college in Oregon. It came with a significant pay increase and great benefits. Inherently, I knew it would be the end of us. With my business and Isabella to consider, moving was as out of the question as expecting Carmen and Aaron to stay for me. A long distance relationship wasn't something I wanted to pursue and I felt horribly guilty for it. I could see us trying if marriage was on the horizon but we weren't there.
We spent as much time together we could in those few weeks before she moved. The weekend before the big day we spent a couple days in Vancouver, Canada, where we didn't do a lick of sight-seeing and barely got a wink of sleep. We made love, conversations, and memories.
It was hard saying goodbye to Carmen and Aaron on that rainy afternoon. I gave her son a hug and a high-five, telling him to be good for his mom. He got himself settled in the car while Carm and I stood there, not knowing what to do or say.
Was I making a big mistake? Should I rethink the decision and pursue a long-distance relationship? Portland wasn't that far away- a three hour drive max. Totally doable.
Standing there in the driving rain, my hands shoved in my pockets instead of around the girl in front of me, I knew the right decision was to let her go. If Carmen was the girl for me, the one I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with, I wouldn't be asking myself any questions. I'd be saying 'see you soon' not 'take care of yourself.' If we were meant for each other, I love you's would have already been exchanged.
I kissed her then. My arms sliding around her waist; hers circling my neck. It felt like a goodbye kiss. There was no urgency, just soft lips and timid tongues. We paused after our lips separated, our faces centimeters apart. So much was said in that space. Her eyes searched mine and I wondered if she hoped I'd ask her to stay even if it was so she could say no.
The back of my hand trailed down her cheek, brushing away wetness from the rain and her tears. I cupped her face before pressing my lips to her forehead.
"You should go," I whispered. "You're going to hit rush hour."
I stayed on the sidewalk watching her taillights disappear, leaving me feeling more conflicted than empty. I climbed the steps to my place, slowly, and one at a time, not in any rush to go inside. To be alone...again.
I flopped down in the recliner, grateful for the comfort it provided. I knew I hadn't made a mistake in letting Carmen go: it was another realization that knocked me on my ass. I'd let her go because I didn't loved her. I hadn't ever loved anyone - at least not in the all consuming way Emmett loved Rosalie or my how my parents loved each other. The way a man should love a woman. Tori was perhaps the closest to that kind of love I'd experienced, but even she was more of an infatuation than anything else.
35 years old and not only hadn't I fallen head over heels, I'd never opened myself up to be loved that way either. I wouldn't admit this to anyone but Ally truly broke my heart. I didn't love her, but I had wanted to. Oh, how, I'd wanted to. I'd built our relationship on the hope Isabella would knit our family together. Had Ally left because I was unlovable? I was convinced that was at least part of the reason why she'd left.
Hours later, Isabella came home to find me still in the same position, staring into space. The next thing I knew, my daughter coaxed me to the kitchen table, with baked tortellini, garlic bread, and Caesar salad in front of me and a glass of red wine at the ready.
"What's all this?"
"I think I know you well enough to realize when you need to be taken care of. Eat, but not too much. There's tiramisu for dessert."
I reached for her hand. "Honey, thank you."
"No thanks necessary, Dad. You'd do the same for me. What am I saying, you have done the same for me."
"Isabella, I love you."
"I love you, too."
After dinner, Isabella shooed me from the kitchen while she cleaned up. My phone chimed with a message from Carmen letting me know they'd arrived safely in Oregon. Instead of texting her back, I gave her a quick call. I told her I hoped they settled in quickly and she said thank you. We ended the call with simple goodbyes, nothing more.
Later, Isabella and I watched a movie together with a big bowl of popcorn between us, more wine in my glass, and chocolate M&M's nearby. No Jake. No Carmen. Just me and my favorite girl. There wasn't anyone else I wanted to be with. It made me realize Isabella was the only one I needed in my life and soon, too soon, she'd be heading off to college. I didn't know how I was going to make it through that transition.
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Alanna: Thank you is never enough. xo