Chapter 5

After Angela had left, Tony went back to bed. He placed himself down in the sheets and glimpsed at his alarm clock. It was three in the morning. He was 100% sure he couldn't sleep anymore. The light smell of Angela lingered on the pillow and the crumpled sheets, the scent he only knew as Angela. Inhaling deeply Tony closed his eyes and tried to focus on his confusing thoughts. Why had she done this? Angela had been so daring and seductive; he hadn't been able to resist her anymore. Tony knew she was right with every single word she told him. They always wanted to know how it felt; but why had she left him without a word? What would happen now? What about Andy and her wedding and the most important thing: what about their relationship?

Tony turned over on his side, staring at the spot where Angela had given herself to him a few hours ago, so selfless, so trustful and so passionate. Over the years a lot of women had crossed his path, but none of them had been like Angela. All those women expected so much of him in bed. Not that he wasn't able to pleasure them but they all had one thing in common: they had given him their bodies, but never their souls. Truth to be told, he never wanted them. When Angela had looked at him at the peak of her ecstasy he could have drowned in her eyes. It would be absolutely impossible to forget this night for the rest of his life. When he closed his eyes he remembered the smell of her hair, her soft skin and most of all her appearance. When she had lain in his bed her hair had surrounded her like an angelic aura. He had never felt more deeply connected to a woman and never felt more emotionally touched by anyone than Angela. She couldn't marry Andy after their unbelievable night, could she? She must have felt his deep love for her. Finally overcome with exhaustion he fell into a light slumber and his dreams comprised of nothing but Angela.

Tony burst into the kitchen at Oak Hills Drive at 7.00 am without knocking. Mona and Jonathan who were sitting at the table, lifted their heads, both completely surprised by his sudden appearance. He looked from one to the other.

"Where is she, Mona?" Tony stared at her, demanding an answer.

"You mean 'Miss stay away all night'?" Mona replied dryly, "she is already at her agency, well, that's what she told me five minutes ago on the phone. Why do you need to know this?"

"I need to talk to her. It can't wait." Tony explained.

"What is so important that it can't wait until this evening?" Jonathan was now curious. Tony seemed to be in a poor state.

"I can't talk about it; all I can say is that something… something unforeseen has happened." Without another word he ran out the back door and jumped in his jeep, leaving Mona and Jonathan bewildered behind.

He drove all the way to Manhattan in record time disregarding speed limit. He parked his jeep in the no-parking zone and ran into the building. The front desk was of course empty. Mona, for sure, lazed around at home so he stopped himself at Angela's office door. He knocked lightly, waiting for an answer.

"Yes, come in."

He noticed her sad voice and opened the door. Angela sat behind her desk, surrounded by folders and papers. When she saw him standing in the door frame she slowly stood up, kneading her hands nervously. She looked perfectly good, but not very happy. Not like a woman who had had a sensational night of lovemaking. When he came closer he noticed her make-up was thicker than usual. Her facial expression didn't give anything away with that mask on her face. She wore one of the dresses which were usually kept in her office to provide security against all contingencies; for instance not making it home because of a late meeting or a stain on the clothes she had originally worn.

"Hi," she said.

"Hi," he replied, staring at her.

"I've been expecting you," she said, sounding formal and aloof.

"I guess we have something to talk about," he didn't let her off the hook, "and there is no beating around the bush, it's time to clear up the mess."

She nodded and left the safe area behind her desk, folding her arms around herself.

"Tony, I made a mistake last night. I shouldn't have come. I… kind of freaked out when I was out with Wendy and Isabelle. It was my bachelorette night and they talked about guys, marriage and … well, of sex, of course. They had a chat about all my exes and the men I dated over the past years and when they got more and more drunk, they got carried away. You were the main topic and they couldn't understand why nothing ever happened between us. They couldn't believe it and when they talked and talked… I suddenly couldn't understand it either. I got scared, so scared. I don't know what happened to me, Tony, but suddenly I feared making a mistake by marrying Andy. What if I'm unable to forget the times we once had? Not that we… we two go back a long way, Tony. We share a history. I know we had moments, special moments. I lost every control of myself and… you know the rest of it." Angela's voice trembled and she paced back and forth at the side wall of her office. "I don't know what's gotten into me; I betrayed my fiancé, the man who wants to marry me… I… I'm so ashamed of myself." She could barely breathe anymore and stopped in front of the window, her hands still in motion.

Tony crossed the room and stayed close behind her. This wasn't anything he wanted to hear.

"A mistake?" Tony said in horror, "a mistake? How am I supposed to forget that mistake? Finally we were together, became an us. I admired the courage you had. A mistake is you marrying Andy!"

"Courage? It wasn't courage, it was desperation. There was never an us, Tony, and there will never be. I can't do this anymore. I can't wait for something that will never happen. I wanted to go on with life and you didn't, you never did. At least not with me and that's why I made a decision last night. I can't be with you, Tony," her voice thick with emotion, "I can't be with anyone. I'm not the right kind of woman to be in a relationship. Last night…. after I left…. I drove over to Andy."

Tony suddenly heard the blood roaring in his ears. After this night, this wonderful night she had left his bed and had immediately gone over to Andy. Tony cringed at that thought. Of course she had a bad conscience. She usually wasn't a woman who would betray her husband or almost husband. She must feel terribly guilty. He tried to concentrate on her voice.

" … and we decided to postpone the wedding." Angela turned around to him," but that doesn't mean that it's over between him and me, he wants to keep on seeing me, but we'll slow down a gear. Andy is a wonderful man with a deeper understanding of me than I ever thought was possible. He would never do what I did to him and what you…," she stopped.

"What I did to you. You can say it, Angela. I know what I did and if there was one day in my life I could change it would be that day…. and the days after…. but I can't!" Tony's heart raced. He was losing Angela forever.

"I'm sorry, I don't want to say it like this… it's like I said before. There had never been an us and so you didn't do anything to me. Sometimes I wonder if everything I felt over the years has been wrong or I imagined it wrong like I had a split personality. As a matter of fact, I can't go on that way. I made up my mind, Tony and I decided to live on my own. Alone. An experience I never had and I need to have it now. I want to concentrate on Jonathan during the last year he is staying with me and I want to expand the agency. I'll go on seeing Andy, but we need more time to decide about the wedding. Everything went so fast, too fast."

"You were alone after Michael left and you weren't very thrilled about that situation." Tony reminded her.

"You don't understand. After Michael was gone I had a lot of things to organize. I had barely time to think about me and my life. And only a few weeks later… you stood at my door. The next one I relied on; I was dependent on," Angela looked at him, sad but self-assured at the same time. She straightened her back and looked directly into Tony's worried dark eyes. Everything she was going to say would not be easy, but she needed to make a cut. A cut to everything. To go on with life. Life without the underlying pain she felt the past year. A new start without this old baggage on her shoulders. She inhaled deeply and suddenly felt strong and confident.

"Tony, I want you to leave."

"What? What do you mean?" Tony couldn't believe what he heard. Did this sentence really come out of her mouth?

"I want you to go out of my life. I don't want to see you anymore. I can't." She looked at him as she usually looked at a client in her business who didn't understand her way of thinking, "I'll be unable to forget last night if you stay in my life and I see you. I need a cut, completely. Forever."

"What do you want to say is… that it's over?" Tony stood in front of her shoulders down, unable to coordinate his racing thoughts.

"Over? Things that never began can't be over," she made a helpless try to explain, "look, I need to keep focus on myself. Over that last year I lost everything I believed in. Most of all I lost my hope, my dreams and my trust, I feel… I feel I can't trust you anymore and I.., "she shrugged her shoulders.

Tony's face got pale. He never expected to hear those words from her. He must have caused her such pain when he got involved with Kathleen, more than he ever thought. He had destroyed their friendship, her love for him, her hopes and their family.

"What about the children, Angela? Have you thought about them or about they will feel? Do you want to cut Sam out of your life too? And Jonathan? Will you allow him to meet me or does he have to live with your decision? Have you reasoned about that too?"

"Sam and Jonathan don't have anything to do with my decision. Of course I'll keep on seeing Sam whenever it's possible and I would never forbid Jonathan from seeing you. I don't want them suffer from my choice. But they are grown up; if Jonathan wants to meet you he'll do on his own."

Angela let out a deep breath. This conversation demanded a lot from her. Seeing him in such a miserable state made her cringe and unable to go on with everything she wanted him to understand.

"So there is nothing more to say?" Tony whispered, "nothing more to do?"

"No, it's all said." She swallowed, but her posture was strong. She looked down to her hands, no longer kneading them. Surprised by herself she noticed her empty open palms. "I have nothing more to give."

Tony nodded and took a few steps back, his eyes taking a last long glance at her. Then he turned on his heel and fled out of the room without looking back. He just couldn't.