Chapter 6

When Tony reached his apartment after his destructive talk with Angela, he threw himself on the couch and ran his fingers through his hair. He felt numb inside. This last attempt at making everything better went thoroughly awry. Knowing that Angela didn't give them any credit to live in a loving and satisfying relationship together had a painful effect on him. When her words had hit him and reached his mind at last, he was sure there was no hope for saving the relationship. Angela had never spoken more clearly to him. There was nothing that held him back in Fairfield now. He took two letters from the couch table in front of him, one in each hand and looked alternately from the left to the right. Then he flung the left one on the floor, jumped up and grabbed the phone. He dialed the long distance number…

Two weeks later Tony was packing his car for the second time in a short while. Sam had come over to help him, not without trying to discourage him from his intention of leaving Fairfield. She had tried over and over again but wasn't successful. Tony had refused to tell her about the adverse circumstances which had led to his removal to the other side of the United States. He didn't want to burden Sam's relationship with Angela. He would be far away if anything happened and Sam would need Angela, more than ever. The last few days he had racked his brain a thousand times and the guilt he felt thinking of the pain he caused Angela had become constant. He woke up with that dull pressure on his chest every morning and it was the last thing he felt before he closed his eyes for the night. That Angela never wanted to see him again was something he had never expected. He was well aware of the fact that she did it for her own protection, but the thought that she needed to protect herself from him caused him sickness and nausea. The long drive to Los Angeles would take several days, but he looked forward to it. There would be enough time for thinking everything through again and maybe to find a way to live with the never-ending pain and memories. When the last box was hoisted in the Jeep he turned to Sam.

"Sam, whenever anything happens, call me. I'm not out of the world. I'll send you money for a ticket whenever you need it." Tony told her emphatically.

"Dad, I know. You told me a thousand times during the last two weeks. I know, you are always there for me even though you're 3000 miles away. You haven't said anything else to me for the last 48 hours." Sam rolled her eyes and hugged her father, "and I have Hank. He is good for me, Dad."

Tony held her tightly and kissed her hair. When he had met Hank the first time in that restaurant he was surprised by Sam's choice. The medical student was a nice guy, a little crazy with his hobby being a puppeteer, but likable. "I know, it's just that I feel completely dazed by all this."

"Dad, did you say good bye to Angela?" Sam questioned him," you wouldn't go without talking to her?"

"I did say good bye… uuhm in a kind of way…," Tony cautiously commented on it, "look Sam, Angela and I are going in different directions. I know, you don't like it and neither do I, but I… it hasn't worked out the way I thought it would and I regret so much. I made a lot of mistakes and I can't blame her for being sick of me and going on with her life. It's all my fault, but I have to go on with my life too, as difficult as that may be." He had also said his good bye to Mona and to all the people he had grown fond of in his Connecticut years a day earlier and that had brought him some emotional moments.

"I'm so sorry, Dad."

"I know, you are," Tony hugged her for the last time and Sam turned to her car, eyes full of tears. She didn't want to let her father know how badly she felt about the separation of him and the woman who had been a mother to her for years. When she learned that Angela's and Andy's wedding was postponed she drew new hope, but was disappointed that they were still seeing each other. Sam climbed into her car, closed the door and waved her father a last good bye.

"Call me when you arrive," she shouted loudly to drown the noise of the motor.

"I will. I call you every night." Tony turned to the flat he only lived in for a few weeks. He climbed the stairs, the elevator had failed again and he took two stairs with one stride. Almost breathless he decided to exercise more in the future. He dreamed of long jogs on the Santa Monica Beach and the surroundings. Before departing on his long drive to Los Angeles he had to make a last important phone call. Tony dialed the number that was burned in his head forever. He heard the ringing and his heart beat faster. The only thing he hoped for was that Jonathan would answer the phone. However his prayer wasn't answered. A familiar voice was heard.

"Hello, Angela Bower speaking."

He sharply breathed in. "Hi, Angela I'm sorry to disturb you, I'd like to speak to Jonathan. Is he at home?" Break. Not a sound was heard.

"Hi, Tony…, " she replied after a few seconds, " no, I'm sorry. He isn't there. Can I… can I do something?" she asked hesitantly, her voice thousand miles away and yet so close.

"I just wanted to say good bye to him and give him my new number and address. Could I give them to you?" Tony asked softly.

"New address? Where are you going?" she dared to ask.

"Mona didn't tell you? I got a job and I'm leaving Fairfield in half an hour," Tony said deliberately. Obviously no one had told her about his new job in California. No one had dared.

"You're leaving so soon?...Where are you going?" Angela managed to get out. Her mother had avoided the "Tony topic" but the fact that she hadn't told her anything about Tony's leaving showed her unmistakably how weird her behavior had obviously been.

"I'm going to Los Angeles. I got a good job at a Catholic High school."

"Oh, that far away?" she whispered.

"Nothing is holding me back here; I'm going where I'm needed. Whether it's Los Angeles or any other city in the world makes no difference to me," suddenly Tony got angry, "look Angela, do me the favor and write down my address for Jonathan. It's 98 West Channel Road , Santa Monica, CA 90403. The phone number is… ," he stopped when he didn't hear anything, "Angela, are you still there?"

"Yeah, yeah, I am… which number?"

Tony told her the number. Then there was quiet again. Tony broke the silence." Thank you, you will give to him, won't you?"

"Yes, of course I will." Silence again.

"Angela?"

"Yes?"

"I wish you a lifetime of happiness."

"Tony, I… "

"Never mind. You don't have to say anything. Bye." Without another word he hung up the phone and inhaled deeply. This chapter of his life was over. He had reached the last page of the book and had closed it forever. Tony grabbed the last box and left the apartment. He went out of the door and never looked back.

Angela stared at the receiver from which Tony's voice came out only seconds ago and then put it down. A single tear rolled down her cheek. Why was this so difficult? He had hurt her, betrayed her almost destroyed her and she missed him. That wasn't fair. She breathed in deeply to get the tears under control. No! No more crying about that stupid man who caused her feelings to be in disorder for so many years. It would just lead to more pain and sorrow. Angela left the quiet living room and slowly climbed up the stairs. When she reached the hallway she paused a moment in front of Tony's old room. Slowly she opened the door only to find it empty and cold. She passed through the room and closed her eyes, remembering how it looked only a few weeks ago. Full of life and warmth.

She opened the top drawer of his former wardrobe and it was empty and clean, just like expected. But there was something in the very back corner. Angela grabbed it and to her surprise she held a small silver jewelry box in her hands. Angela sat down on his bed and opened it carefully. Two rings appeared in a satin case. Two beautiful simple white gold rings. Angela put her hand on her mouth and suppressed a cry. What rings were these? The wedding rings of Marie and him? No, he would never forget them in a drawer. Rings he had bought for Kathleen and him? Why should he leave them behind? He could have taken them back to the jeweler's after they broke up. There wasn't an inscription. Could it be that he had bought them for… no, that couldn't be. Angela closed the box and shoved it back into the place it was before. Maybe that puzzle would never be solved. She decided to leave it there for always and ever and stood up. One last glance through his room and she swallowed. What will happen to his room now? Nothing was the only possible answer. She couldn't bear changing it into anything else, just like Sam's room when she left a few weeks ago to live at the dorm. She fled out of it and tried to concentrate on Andy, he wanted to see her even though she had betrayed him, but today she couldn't face him.

While on his long ride to L.A. Tony's thoughts crossed his mind like a whirlwind. He couldn't think straight, but after driving for two days he had himself calmed down. He had come to the conclusion that he wanted to cling to every good memory he had with Angela over the past years. It was simply and plainly impossible to forget the best time of his life, so he wanted to hold on to every single minute he remembered and there were a lot. He was sure that there would never again be someone he would be able to love. Living with memories seemed to be the only feasible thing to do. That sentiment gave a sort of peace, but left still an ache of pain in his chest. He wondered whether this knot would ever go away. His moods were fickle. One minute he was sad and depressed, the next minute he got disappointed and angry. When the angry side of him took over he wanted to return to Angela and shake everything out of her by asking: Why? When he was sad, he wanted to crawl in a hole and never come out again.

He stayed overnight at small motels near the highways wondering when the last time was that he had been alone for so long or whether there had ever been a time of such loneliness in his life. The only people he spoke with were waiters or receptionists and the disk jockeys of the country radio stations he listened to.

It was day five when he finally reached the Santa Monica Freeway and he was quite surprised. Even though it was the second largest city in the States it seemed to be totally different from New York. The settlement wasn't as condensed, the skyscrapers weren't as high, ok, the traffic was almost as heavy as in New York. When he found the West Channel Road he saw his first sundown on the Pacific coast.