Chapter 8

Tony came home after a long day. His afternoon had been filled with coaching the girl's softball team and marking some tests. After that he had a staff meeting and later he got caught by a single mother who wanted to talk about her daughter's grades. The woman had waited for him in the parking lot and involved him in a conversation for almost one hour.

He made a quick stop at the supermarket, then drove home, exhausted and tired. The weather forecast predicted a warm weekend so he planned to relax on his terrace, maybe jog for more than five miles and exercise. Since he could do with his days whatever he liked he recommitted to his regimen. He had lost the five kilos that the comfortable life in Fairfield had put on his body over the years and was now as close to his baseball playing days physique as he could get. He often cooked for himself but it was no fun anymore. Eating alone was a lonely thing.

The weekend before Jonathan had visited him. They had a good time together with sunbathing, playing beach volleyball with some sun seeker tourists from Toronto and of course talking. He had even taught Jonathan how to cook spaghetti vongole and had shared the secret of his special lasagna with him. The" Angela" topic was taboo. Jonathan had briefly mentioned her health problems, but he could read in Tony's eyes that he didn't want his mother to be the subject of discussion even if he was worried about her. Both had enjoyed the weekend immensely and saying good bye proved to be difficult.

Over the past weeks Tony developed mixed feelings about Angela. He was sad, sometimes angry with her and the way she had thrown him out of her life. He often thought about it, usually while he sat outside watching the sunset. This evening, he stayed out even later, it was almost half past ten when he went inside and turned on the TV. He switched through the channels but couldn't find anything to his satisfaction. Suddenly there was a knock on his door. At first Tony thought of Ernest, but he wouldn't come over at this hour so he coursed through the room, thinking this must be an emergency. When he opened the door his heart skipped a beat, then two. He couldn't believe what he saw.

"Angela!" He said flabbergasted and looked into two fearful eyes.

"Yes… it's me," she whispered, her eyes dropping to the floor "can I…can I come in?"

He stared at her as if she was a ghost. He couldn't move, he couldn't think.

"Tony?"

"Yeah, yeah of course, come in… sorry, I… I wasn't prepared to see you," he stuttered and let her pass in front of him.

Angela entered slowly and stepped tentatively until she stood in the middle of the room. She looked it over, noticing the same allocation of furniture as in her own living room. The couch with a small table in front of the TV. The shelf behind the couch. There were differences of course. The kitchen was included with the living room and there seemed to be only two other doors, probably the bathroom and his bedroom. Everything looked clean and tidy, but she hadn't expected anything else. She turned to him, making eye contact.

Tony stood still at the open door. The thoughts ran through his mind like a hurricane. "What is she doing here? What does she want?" were the two questions his racing mind came back to. Slowly, he shut his door and took three steps towards her, stopping when he realized he had no idea how to handle this situation.

"I guess, you're surprised to see me," she kneaded her hands nervously, " I had a meeting in San Diego and decided to fly up. Well, I was already close to L.A. and… ."

"You were already close and… you decided to come up for a short fleeting visit? To the guy you never wanted to see again? That's quite a decision, Angela." He interrupted her, his voice trickled with sarcasm. He couldn't spare her this.

Angela inhaled deeply and searched for the right words, knowing she deserved his harsh reply.

"I know you're mad at me and angry, I wouldn't be here if it wasn't important. I need to tell you something."

Tony was suddenly worried.

"What is it? Is something wrong with Jonathan or Sam? Is it Mona? Angela, speak. Don't make me worm it out of you."

"No, no. They are ok. Jonathan is a little overwhelmed; but he has a lot of schoolwork."

"He didn't seem to be overwhelmed when he visited me last weekend," Tony answered, "we had an easy weekend."

Angela's expression spoke volumes.

"I don't understand. What do you mean… last weekend? He was at your place? He asked me… . oh," she said and turned around, "oh."

"What? Didn't he tell you that he was coming over for a long weekend? I stood under the impression that you knew about it," Tony asked bewildered.

"He did, but I… I obviously didn't listen carefully enough… it's my fault," she looked him straight in the face," he told me he wanted a plane ticket for his birthday to visit his father. I thought he…," Angela stopped.

"I see. You thought he would visit Michael. He still lives a few miles away with Heather."

"Yes, I…," she shrugged helplessly.

"And is it ok with you that he was here?"

"Yes, yes. It is. It's only… I didn't expect that he… ."

"That he considered me as his father? You shouldn't be surprised, he hasn't seen Michael in years, in spite of the fact that I suggested he visit him since he was already in the area, but he didn't want to go," Tony explained, "but he is evidently not the reason why you are here, so what is it?"

Angela put her hands in her pockets and walked slowly towards the window. That made Tony realize that she was still wearing a thin summer coat and he followed her.

"Give me your coat, Angela."

She made the coat slide off her shoulders and when Tony grabbed it he noticed her small appearance and the loss of weight. He wondered who cooked for her now. He hung up her jacket and went back to the kitchen. He leaned against the kitchen counter, crossing his arms against his chest. Angela pressed her forehead to the cool window glass and closed her eyes for a moment. "This is so difficult," she thought.

"Angela? I'm waiting."

She turned around and looked at him, trying to find the man she had known for so long, but his eyes were empty. He wasn't unfriendly, but looked indifferent. She swallowed hard. She had given up and she didn't deserve anything better. Inhaling deeply to get her thoughts straight she blurted out.

"Tony, I'm pregnant."

He stared at her. For a moment he felt dizzy and the blood swooshed through his ears. "She is pregnant, pregnant by Andy. That's why she is here? To tell me? Why? What does that mean? Will she break off contact with Sam because of the baby? Is it that what she wants to say?" Tony's mind started racing and he turned to the sink, looking down on the silver metal and the small water drops on the tap. He never imagined her becoming pregnant. Not by another man at least. He gasped into the sink and tried to maintain composure. He inhaled deeply and turned around again.

"I don't know exactly why you are telling me this, but I guess, congratulations are in order. I knew you always wanted more children. Andy… ,"he paused, "Andy must be a happy man. Are you already married?"

"No, no. I'm not married, "she whispered in shock and closed her eyes to blink the tears away. That's not what she had expected to hear.

" Of course, that's what he's thinking," she made herself clear inwardly then said , "but you don't understand. After we cancelled the wedding I … I met him only two times and then I broke up with him."

"Oh, that means he doesn't want or know about the baby?" Tony was surprised. It wasn't like her to break up with the man she was pregnant by. A man, who was important in her life.

"Tony, you still don't understand," she said in a low voice, "Andy doesn't know about my pregnancy because he isn't the father, Tony," she said lowly, "you are… you are the father of the baby. I'm fifteen weeks pregnant." She closed her eyes, waiting for an answer, waiting for him to start yelling at her or throw her out.

Tony couldn't believe his ears. A baby, a baby with Angela? Despite all circumstances for a moment he felt nothing but joy. He would be a father again. His deepest and most secret dream had come true. He wanted to take her in his arms, kiss her and twirl her around, but then reality hit him. She had no feelings for him anymore. No trust, no love.

"You mean that night we… the night you came to me, I knocked you up?" Tony stuttered.

Angela opened her eyes, astonished. He didn't seem to be angry, only surprised and confused.

"Yes, that's what I mean. I'm sorry… I've only known since last week. My period was always irregular and I had all these different sicknesses. I never thought I could become pregnant from… I'm an idiot, I'm talking like an sixteen year old school girl. I should have known better. But that night… it was like I was a different person. I… ," she was at a loss for words.

"Hey-oh, don't ever say sorry for having a baby," he murmured, "unless you don't want it. Do you want this baby?" What if she was here because she wanted an abortion? But no, it's too late and she would never do that, would she?

She looked at him sadly but strong at the same time." How can he ask me this? Doesn't he know me anymore?" She couldn't answer and looked down to the floor.

He didn't really expect an answer. "Angela, I really don't know what to say. If this had happened years ago I would have been the happiest man on earth, but things are different now and you know that."

"I know and I'm just here to tell you that I don't expect anything from you. You don't have to feel obligated. It's my fault and I… ."

"Stop, Angela. I don't want you feel guilty because we didn't take care of things. It takes two to a tango, but right now I don't know what to do. I'm living in L.A., at least for one more year. I have a new job and with the way things went between us last year… ," Tony said helplessly, " plus the fact you made yourself pretty clear that you don't want to have contact with me anymore."

Angela didn't know how to answer his harsh words. She swallowed some tears down. He was so right. At the end she had broken up all tents and had sent him away. She should go. Go and leave him alone. She had no right to be here and mess up everything again. Suddenly she felt so tired. Slowly she went over to the front door.

"What are you doing," He asked.

"I… I think I should go. I don't have a hotel reservation yet. I need a bed for the night. Can you call me a taxi?" she said weakly.

"Angela, don't be silly. You don't think I would let you hunt down a hotel room at night in that condition. You won't get a room anyway. It's gonna be a warm weekend, every hotel is overbooked. You need to stay here over night. Besides you need to care for yourself much better. You look awful," Tony hesitated, "well, you don't look awful in that way, but you're thin and pale. That's not good for a pregnant woman. You need more food and more sleep and you'll start now. There are some left overs, I'll heat them up and while you eat I'm going to put a new blanket on my bed. I'll sleep on the couch." Tony opened the fridge and took the lasagna out of it. He placed it on the small table for two and shoveled a big piece on a plate, then set it in the microwave.

Angela could only stare at him. She was ashamed and insecure. Tony seemed to be protective like he had always been, but aloof. Reluctantly she took her seat at the table and was glad to sit down. A weakness had invaded her bones and she knew her battery was low. When the microwave beeped, Tony put the steaming plate in front of her. Angela looked at the spinach lasagna like so many times before. The scent was heavenly. Slowly she started to eat and thought she hadn't something this good for ages. Out of the corner of her eye she observed him while he was taking his blanket to the couch and getting her a new one. She could feel how uncomfortable he was, His shoulders were tense and his lips were pressed into a small line. When she finished her late night dinner she wanted to tidy up, but without words he took the plate out of her hands and placed it in the sink.

"You should sleep, Angela. You can use the bathroom first."

"Thank you, Tony," she whispered calmly, "I know, I ask a lot of you."

Angela took her small suitcase that Tony had placed at the door together with her coat. She went over to his bedroom and shut the door. The bedroom was heated from the afternoon sun and she took a spaghetti strap top and shorts out of her baggage. She was embarrassed that she hadn't brought anything more covering, but there was no way to change that now. She couldn't sleep in a business dress. She changed clothes and opened the door, ready to go to the bathroom. The living room was empty; Tony wasn't anywhere to be seen. After getting ready for the night she went back to the bedroom; then she heard steps outside. Through the window of the bedroom she saw Tony standing at the banister of his terrace, watching the full moon which hung deeply over the sea. Tears were welling up in her eyes. "What have I done?"