Chapter 11

It was late when Tony reached the Fairfield Inn. It felt like he had acted bizarrely by not sleeping at Angela's house. She had been disappointed. He was certain about that but he couldn't bring himself to stay overnight. He wasn't the housekeeper anymore or her partner. What was he? The father of her unplanned unborn child? What did he want? She said she didn't expect anything but was that the truth? When Michael, her husband, had left her she was devastated. Why was she so self-assured this time? Or was she? Was it just a role she played? But why? Tony fell into a restless sleep, not getting any relaxation.

At the same time Angela paced through her dark house. There was no indication that Tony had been there earlier except the slight scent of marinara sauce with garlic that hung in the air of the kitchen. He had turned down her offer to sleep here. Of course he had. What had she imagined? They were different now, distanced. Their relationship was doubtful and everything was so unbelievably difficult. They had never been like this before. They had been able to talk about everything. Why was everything so complicated? Why had she sent him away? Angela fell asleep on the couch and when the first daylight made its way through the window she felt more exhausted than ever. She hadn't even heard Jonathan coming home and putting a blanket on her.

The first thing she heard in the morning was a knock on the door. She lifted her head, disoriented for a moment. Oh god, she had slept in. Then she shuffled to the front door and opened it. Tony stood at the door with a paper bag. He had already been to the supermarket and the bakery. The smell of fresh bagels and croissants was unmistakable. She thought she must look like hell; her hair was tousled and she had slept in her sweat pants.

"Mornin', Angela. Did you sleep well?" he asked innocently, not seeing her careworn look. Yes, she looked like she hadn't slept well, but she looked always beautiful to him.

"I couldn't sleep and when I finally did fall asleep it was on the couch."

"Tell you what. I'll prepare breakfast and you can take a shower or bath or whatever."

She nodded and then explained apologetically.

"Tony, Jonathan is home. What… do we tell him as a reason you are here?"

"We can tell him I want to see Sam. Hey-oh, Angela. It's not a big deal, I'm looking forward seeing him."

And that's how it worked. Tony walked into the kitchen and started making pancakes like he had always done. Twenty minutes later Angela and Jonathan entered the kitchen. Jonathan was excited to see Tony so unexpectedly in the middle of the school year. They hugged each other and both of them were visibly moved.

"Tony how come you're here?" Jonathan smiled from one ear to another.

"I missed Sam, I haven't seen her in months. I missed you, I missed Mona… I missed… , yeah well, everyone."

"We missed you too. It's not the same without you. Actually nothing is the same without you. We don't sit together at breakfast or dinner, our family is different." Jonathan wasn't too embarrassed to admit the truth to Tony while Angela seemingly felt uneasy.

"If I had known you were coming I wouldn't have agreed to this weekend trip with Peter and his father, but they are picking me up in a few minutes. We're going camping and fly-fishing. I never did that before," Jonathan told him his weekend plans, "I can still cancel."

Angela and Tony exchanged a glance, both feeling the discomfort between each other. Tony cleared his throat.

"Jonathan, it's not necessary to change all your plans. I won't lie to you. Your mother and I… we need to clear up some things and we have to do that alone."

Oh," Jonathan looked from one to another, "good. I mean… whatever you have to clear. I hope everything will turn out well. For both of you. I guess I would be in the way anyway."

"Hey-oh, you're never in the way. It's just… ," Tony started to comfort him, but Jonathan just smiled.

"It's all right, Tony. Don't risk your head with reckless talk; just answer me one question. Will I see you more often if things, whatever they are, turn out well?"

Angela darted Tony a questioning and tense glance. Without any knowing her son had asked an important question. Tony gave her a glance back.

"I'll guess you will, anyway."

Hot blood rushed through Angela's veins. He wouldn't leave her alone with their baby. Perhaps they could never go back to the place they were a mere year earlier, but something was still there and would ever be.

A horn interrupted the moment of truth and Jonathan rose from his chair. He grabbed the bag which stood at the door and gave Tony a shoulder pat.

"Guys, whatever you do. Don't mess it up." He rushed out of the back door.

Tony and Angela stayed at the table, both staring into their cups. Tony was the first who interrupted the silence.

"Angela, I've thought about so many things and I've come to a conclusion… If we ever want to find a way we have to process our relationship; or at least what is left of it. I know that won't be easy for both of us but we have responsibilities here. We owe it the baby. He or she deserves good parents, parents who act in concert, who care a lot." Their eyes met over the table. "What do you think? Are you able to go through an analysis from the very beginning? Do you even want this?"

She nodded carefully, "that means we have to swallow pride and dignity? You're a proud man, Tony. Are you sure you're able to do that? It also means we have to be absolutely honest about our feelings, the former ones and the latter ones."

"I want to try, Angela. If you agree I'm ready." He breathed in deeply as he looked at her expression.

"When you're ready, I'm ready too. But I need to let you know that I'm frightened. What if things get worse than they already are?"

"Do we have anything to lose?"

"No, but I don't know where to start."

"Neither do I; all I know is that everything starts with when I stood at your door. I was full of hope; I thought I made a good decision leavin' Brooklyn with Sam. Hell, what a risk I took. I gave up my apartment, my work at Mrs. Rossini's for a dream and it was worth every second. Well, at first when you opened your door I thought I could never work for a woman like you. The day before Mona showed me a picture of you and Jonathan but it couldn't live up to the expectations. I thought there was no way that you'd hire me." Tony let out a laugh and switched his cup from one hand to another in memory of that sunny September morning so long ago. "Why did you?"

"You really want to know? Actually I didn't want to, but when you brought Samantha in I was besotted. Jonathan had always been a kind of maverick and you had a connection to him from the very first moment. And I liked the way Sam charmed me with her compliments. That and…the butterflies in my stomach made my decision."

"You had butterflies?" Tony chuckled amused, "I had them too. You were so beautiful;" he said quietly, "you still are of course. More than ever. I was attracted to you from the very first day but realizing that I cared for you occurred to me a short time later. The day I surprised you in the bathtub. I met that professor, Cindy Morell, and she came over to pick me up and you were so… embarrassed and she insulted you after playing that stupid role game. I could see you'd been hurt and ashamed and I wanted you to feel better. I recognized that it was important to me how you felt and that I cared about you.."

"I felt better after she was gone. Without you. Do you know what mother said about that incident?" Angela's thoughts went back to that day after Tony had gone back to his work and she had been left with her mother in the living room. "She said: Angela, this is exactly the right man for you. Don't let him ever walk away." She paused shortly. "I guess children should listen attentively sometimes."

"Regrets, Angela?"

"A lot."

"Me too. Do you remember when we came home after Jonathan sent us on that Valentine's date?"

"How could I ever forget that? He was so scared that he could lose you."

"He was and I felt so sorry for him."

"You found the right words to reassure him."

"But it was only half of the truth. I wanted to say so much more and I couldn't. I wanted to reassure him and tell him that I already liked you… liked you in that way he wanted us to be." Tony jumped off the kitchen chair and paced through the kitchen. He had said it out loud.

Angela's heart started racing. "You liked me then? How is that possible that I never noticed?"

"Because of the because, Angela. Denial."

"Tony?"

"Hmm?"

"That was the best Valentine's date I ever had. And I lied when I told you in the restaurant that I didn't fall for you. Like you said: denial."

"You had a crush on me, Angela? At that time?" Tony looked surprised.

"I wouldn't say I had a crush. It was more, so much more," she dared to tell him and observe his response. What would he say?

He could only star at her, sadly and with a pained expression.

"If I had only known."

"That's what I could say too."

"No, no. That's not the right way," with a groan he raked his fingers through his tangled hair," so hard as it may be, I did know you had feelings for me and you certainly knew that I had feelings for you. We are doing it again, Angela. We are beating around the bush.

"We have been cowards, Tony. Both of us and I must admit it's not easy to get over this," Angela gave in, "but for a man who didn't know where to start the beginning was quite good."

"Conversation between us had always been easy, most of the time. At least when we didn't talk about ourselves."

"We had good moments over the years, didn't we? But we were so reluctant. We never acted on our feelings.

"And we wanted to. I didn't want to go away ever. Not even when that great job in Washington had been offered to me."

"You mean the one as a Parents Association National Coordinator for Special Projects?" She rattled out the job description like it was one word.

Tony chuckled, remembering that awful long designation for that job. They looked in each other's eyes and started to laugh. It felt so good to laugh together again and for a moment all differences were forgotten. The times they had had together had been good, mostly. And then suddenly everything had gotten out of hand. Both of them were pretty aware of it and the laugh ended abruptly.

"And then I made that mess," Tony rose from his chair and paced through the kitchen, "this kitchen has seen a lot of messes but they were nothing compared to that biggest mistake of my life."

Angela looked up, in her eyes were unshed tears. She stroked her hands over her arms to protect herself from what was coming now and then pressed her fingertips together. They had never spoken about that point, that night when her world collapsed like a house of cards. She needed to know. Now.

"What happened, Tony?" she asked him quietly, "please tell me why. I need to understand."

Tony swallowed hard and looked into her sad eyes. "I was so tired, Angela. Tired and exhausted by our unsettled relationship, from studying, from loads of everyday life and the feeling of not being so needed anymore. Suddenly there was someone who wanted me. Me, the man. Me, Tony Micelli. Not the father, not the friend and not the housekeeper. And I gave in. For a moment I wanted to lose all the tension I felt, a tension that had built up over months and years. Suddenly I had that feeling, " we'll never have a future, Angela." I was despondent and crestfallen; I leaned back and let it happen. I just closed my eyes and forgot what we had, what we wanted. I forgot our life over Kathleen. No, I didn't forget. I shoved it away. For a woman I didn't know very well before that night, and not even liked her before.

Tony paced through the kitchen and ran his hands through his hair. This whole conversation put him through the wringer. He was sweating, his heart raced in memory of that day. He had lost his equilibrium. "It was my fault, Angela. Everything was my fault. We wouldn't have been in that rather fraught situation if I had pulled myself together that night. The worst thing was, I knew the whole time that what I did was wrong, but I couldn't fight against it. I was a coward, too chicken to fight for us. After that night I was too powerless to stop that thoughtless affair I lingered in."

Tony took his place on the chair again and buried his face in his hands. He breathed in and out for a few times then looked at Angela again. "I'll never forget your face when we talked in your study. I made you pay for my sins, I've hurt you and I've lost you. If I could turn back time I…. "

"But you can't, Tony. Anyway you don't know what would have happened in that future we haven't had. Maybe we would have never gotten together, maybe we did and it didn't work like we thought it would. Maybe…" Angela got interrupted.

"Maybe we are already married and are expecting our first baby, "he said and the curiosity hit him. Their eyes met and Angela shook her head, at first unable to understand the coherence, but then the similarity to their current life hit her.

"That isn't so far from what we have now," she whispered.

"That is completely crazy, Angela."

"I know. And I know how difficult it was for you to talk about that. Thank you, I really appreciate that."

"Please, don't defend me and what I've done. I sent you through hell, I'm very aware of that and I've blamed myself every minute since then."

"I know you do, but I'm no longer sure that the entire fault was on you, Tony. I've thought about that a thousand times. So many nights I couldn't sleep. The more I racked my brain the less I was convinced that it was entirely your fault."

"Things got all wrong after I… did what I did."

"Tony," she started to say and bit on her bottom lip, "that's exactly what I mean. I'm not longer sure about that. Things started to go wrong earlier, a long time earlier." She paused for a moment, not sure if she could make clear to him what she was going to say. "Things started to go wrong in Jamaica, Tony. Jamaica was the crux of the matter. And that wasn't you fault."

Now it was out. Something she thought about for months. When she figured it out she had been relieved and had known she could take the weight from his shoulders that he carried along for so long now; she herself had felt a sort of relief too.

"Jamaica? In Jamaica everything was fine, Angela. We were happy… in a way."

Tony shook his head, incapable of understanding her peculiar mental leaps. In Jamaica they had almost come together. He had been near to confessing his love, but once again he had slammed on the brakes and pulled away.

"Angela, I told you I wasn't ready for a relationship, but it wasn't the whole truth. I was ready, but I was a coward one more time. I wanted you so much that night. There was nothing in the world I wanted more than to make love to you, to show you how I felt. If you think things went wrong there, well maybe but it had to be my fault as well."

"No Tony, it takes two to tango. Yes, you put our relationship in cold storage but I… I agreed to it. I accepted your decision to wait until your graduation."

"I didn't give you much of a say in it, did I?"

"I'm a big girl, Tony. I could have said 'no'. Think of it, what would have happened if I had said no? If I had said I don't want to wait any longer? What would you have done if I hadn't agreed, Tony?"

Her haunting questions caught him off guard. There was only one possible answer. The truth. "I have never been able to resist you and certainly never would have betrayed you later with Kathleen. I would've done what I wanted to do so desperately. I would have made love to you." Tony observed her expression. Over the years Angela had been right with most of her decisions and suggestions.

"See? It all comes back to the real point. It's not good to suppress feelings for too long. It makes one sad and desperate. It isn't even healthy and we both did that, I guess we still do." Angela looked down sadly and indecisively.

"So what you're going to say is that we both made a mistake? That we both came to wrong conclusions?" Tony couldn't believe what she just explained to him, but it seemed she had a point here.

"That's precisely my opinion."

"You could be right. If we had given in in Jamaica and had made love we would be together today. I would never have become involved with Kathleen."

"And I would never have almost married a man I didn't love."

Tony could only stare at her. The air became tense in the kitchen. Of all possible scenarios he had never thought of this one. Jamaica as the reason for the deep chasm in their relationship had never entered his mind, but he knew she was right.

"Angela, what are we going to do with all these new insights?"

"I don't know. But I could use a break, I need to let everything sink in."

"So do I. What if you take a nap and I go over to Sam?"

"Tony we aren't through, are we?" she asked carefully.

He sent her a sad glance. "No, I guess not." He left the kitchen and opened the back door.

"You want to take the Jag?"

"No, thank you. I'll walk. Some fresh air is exactly what I need. See you in a few hours."

She just nodded in response.