Chapter 12

Tony had spent two hours at Sam's. Sam didn't exactly understand what he was doing in Fairfield. She wanted to worm everything out of him and had been very pushy. Just like her father she couldn't deny her Italian roots when it came to family matters; but Tony remained silent. They had eaten pizza in a new restaurant near the dorm and had some good laughs together. The distance between them hadn't hurt their father-daughter relationship even though Sam was deeply affected by the abrupt ending of her father's formerly strong relationship with Angela; but as an inveterate optimist she hadn't lost hope.

Tony felt much better after some light talk with his daughter. The distraction had cleared his head and he walked back to Oak Hills Drive full of confidence. When he entered through the backyard, he noticed Angela sitting on the wooden swing he had attached to the oak tree so many years ago.

"Hey," he said noticing her dreamy facial expression.

"Hey, feelin' better?" Angela looked at him.

"Hmm," he stretched out his hand and she put hers in his," what about a walk, Angela?

"I'd love to. The doctor has prescribed more movement and fresh air for me." She rose from the swing and turned to the door. "I need my jacket; I forgot it in my study."

"I can get it for you if you want."

She nodded in agreement and Tony let go of her hand and entered the house to get her the jacket. When he found himself in her little home office mixed feelings welled up in him. He associated this room with the end of their relationship. He glimpsed a new blue jacket on the chair and walked around the desk to pick it up. A photo caught his eye. One he never saw before. It was one of him. And only him. He hadn't expected her setting a picture of him on her desk. Why had she done this when she didn't want to see him again? It was a picture from their vacation in Mexico. Obviously Mona had shot this during their hat dance. When Angela had been so happy and free from all things. Mona had pushed the button right at the moment he smiled at Angela so lovingly. Tony grabbed the jacket and decided not to mention the photo.

They took the Jag for the ride to a nearby park where they had been often when Jonathan and Sam had been little. The weather was still warm and sunny. The air was clear; the sun sparkled through the trees and reflected off the water. Everything was peaceful and quiet. No other people crowded the small path around the lake. Angela and Tony walked in silence, close to each other. Neither of them knew how to continue with their earlier conversation. They had come to a certain point and a bit of frustration encumbered both of them.

"Angela, can I ask you something? I know you won't like it, but I need to understand," Tony asked to break the tension.

"We both don't like this conversation very much, it puts us through hell but we agreed we have to go through this so you can ask me anything," Angela replied forcefully.

"Why didn't you ever want to see me again? After that night we had? I thought…, we could figure out an "us" after all. That night, it meant so much to me. You meant so much to me. Please tell me, why?" Tony adjured her emphatically.

Angela couldn't answer at first. This was the most feared question for her and she composed herself, swallowing down the big lump in her throat.

"What I need to say first is… it was never meant to hurt you. I.. well I told you that I had that woman-to-woman-talk with Isabelle and Wendy and they couldn't comprehend that we never… you know," she stopped for a moment watching his expression. He looked at her attentively; waiting for her explanation to give him a better understanding of the situation.

"That we never had sex?" Tony answered without hesitation. The time to be shy about discussing it seemed to be over.

"Yes, and I realized I didn't have an answer as to 'why not?'" Suddenly I wanted it so much. Not only the sex, but being close to you, having a connection. All at once I wasn't sure whether I could marry Andy or not and it had nothing to do with pre-wedding jitters. I stopped thinking and I just acted. I almost turned back when I stood at your door and I was prepared for anything. I expected two things to happen," she paused for a moment, "either you would reject me once again and throw me out or have pity-sex with me."

Angela walked slowly shoving her hands into the pockets of her jacket. She looked down at the gritty ground they drifted over. She had questioned her exceptional behavior a thousand times and still didn't understand all of it. A few sittings at Dr. Bellows' had helped her get through the worst but they hadn't come to her kneejerk reaction so far.

"Pity-sex?" Do you really believe I had pity-sex with you?" Tony felt deeply aggrieved.

"No," she whispered sadly, downright aghast by the hurt in his eyes, "neither of the two things that I thought would happen happened. What I never expected was that you…," she breathed in and went on talking, "I never expected you to make love to me. When you touched me I felt so wanted and desired like never before and I never had those feelings for any other man; I got lost in a roller coaster of feelings and was so confused. You said so many things to me, you said you loved me and I couldn't answer you, I wanted to dismiss all you said, you know, as lost in bliss pillow talk. Then I realized I had betrayed my finance without any thought. What an awful woman I am."

Shame and guilt took over and her tears were flowing now. She sobbed a few times but got herself under control very fast.

"You were under a lot of pressure that night and you wouldn't have done what you did if you had really loved Andy," Tony reassured her, "and I meant every single word I said to you. I knew about the situation you were in. We should have talked about your doubts instead of … having sex, making love. I guess you lost all respect for me when I…, when I made love to you. I worked against my own principles. I was weak and a coward."

"I never lost respect for you, I lost respect for myself. After we did…. what we did I drove over to Andy and told him everything. He was hurt and horrified and he had every right to be, after all he understood that you were the reason for everything. He knew that I was shattered from something but I never told him a thing, I never told him that you were the reason that I…, she paused shamefully then made full eye contact with him, "you were the reason that I never slept with him."

Tony didn't know what to say. She had never slept with her fiancé? How was that possible?

"I don't understand, Angela. Why didn't you? He was your fiancé!"

"After that morning you told me about Kathleen I felt so lonely and unwanted. When I had coffee with Peter that night he asked me for a date and I agreed. I had sex with Peter three days after you and…, she couldn't talk and choked down her sob, "well, I had sex with him and had a nervous breakdown. I couldn't stop crying when it was over. I never should have done that. Peter was nothing but kind and tender, but I stopped seeing him a short time later. When I met Andy I was afraid that the same thing could happen again with him, so I told him I wanted to wait and he agreed to waiting."

Tony couldn't believe that and repeated her statement, "you…you never slept with Andy. So it's hardly surprising that you knew exactly who the father is."

"No, never," she answered slowly, "and after you and I were together I would never have been able to sleep with him." She looked down to the ground.

"Angela, I never had pity-sex with you. That night…. It meant the world to me. When you threw me out the next day I was… I was devastated. I thought we belonged together. When you left me that night without a word, I felt destroyed. I've loved you so much."

"I was so upset and didn't know what to do… I protected myself, I guess. I thought it might be easier if I never saw you again." He had loved her then and he had for years and she had thrown it away, had never accepted his heart which he had given to her. Now it was too late. She had hurt him and he had moved 3000 miles away. His love had certainly died.

They walked slowly, avoiding making any visual contact. It seemed to be inappropriate. Some clouds came up and settled in front of the sun. The shadows seemed to make fun of them. The silence was almost unbearable. They walked slowly, avoiding every contact.

Minutes later, three people walked onto the path, a man, a woman and a little blonde boy.

The little one was in between the two adults and they were holding each other with their hands. The parents swung him in the air and he shrieked with joy each time he landed on his feet again. They moved slowly down to the lake and the woman took some bread out of her bag. The boy started feeding some ducks, which scurried around them. Both, the blonde man and the dark haired woman looked down at him with the pride and happiness only parents could feel for their children. The boy jumped around and spilled out the last pieces of bread. He shouted with glee when the ducks snapped after the crumbs and shambled back into the water with their catch. The man caught his son and placed him on his shoulders where the boy buried his little hands deeply in his father's blonde hair. The woman laughed at them and kissed her husband on the mouth. Then they turned around and walked back hand in hand, the same way they had come from.

Angela had stopped walking in the middle of the path. She couldn't take her eyes away from that lovely family. Tears had built in her eyes and she was unable to stop them anymore. Since she had told Tony about the baby she had been strong and hadn't allowed herself to cry often in front of him, but now it was too much. All the floodgates opened and uncontrollable sobs escaped her mouth.

Tony, himself in deep thought, was too preoccupied to notice her, but suddenly he realized she was no longer beside him. He turned back and saw her standing in the middle of the way, distraught and crying. For a moment he was confused, then he followed her glance. He noticed the little family and he understood, everything was clear like the air. With two big steps he closed the distance between them and folded his arms around her.

"Shhh, don't cry. Please don't cry. I know. I know and I understand, please," he whispered near her ear.

Angela couldn't answer. She clung limply in his arms, unable to move. Tony led her to a nearby small wooden bench. He sat down and pulled her on his lap where she sat, regal, continuing to cry in his neck and he protected her like he would a small child. If it were at all possible to ignore her present state of mind he would let himself revel in the fact that she felt perfect in his arms; but all he could do was press her close against himself and hold her tightly. He could feel her salty tears on his cheek and the scent of her hair made his heartbeat accelerate. He shoved his one hand under her jacket to give her more warmth and physical proximity and slowly her sobbing stopped.

Angela lifted her head and looked at him, teary-eyed.

"I'm sorry, I lost control like this. I became so sad when I saw that sweet little family."

"I know," he leaned back and pulled his hand out of her jacket. Accidentally he touched her belly, but then stopped there. He could feel her slightly rounded tummy in his hand and swallowed hard, unable to pull his hand away.

With a shy smile she placed her hand over his. His warm hand felt so good under hers, his touch had always soothed her. They sat in silence for a few minutes. It was Tony who talked first.

"Angela, you… no, we must be more careful. All this emotional mess is not healthy for our baby. I can see that all this talking stresses you so much. Let's go back, you need a rest. We need a rest." Reluctantly he pulled his hand away and Angela rose off his lap.

"Tony?

"Hmm?"

"It's the first time you said our baby."

"That's probably because I feel for the first time that it belongs to us, not you not me, but us."

Angela nodded at his explanation and when they walked back to the car, the sun came out from behind the clouds again.