Chapter 15

Tony stretched his arms when the plane landed in San Diego early this morning. He couldn't believe it had been three months since he had last seen Angela. Three months! Their overcrowded schedules had made it impossible to do anything more than exchange some phone calls with each other. But irregular long distance phone calls were a weak substitute and could not to compare to seeing each other in person. Angela had sent him some ultrasound images of the baby and he had happily pinned them on the magnet board in his kitchen. But he couldn't thrust aside the regrets he had, leaving her alone during the important months of pregnancy.

When Tony crossed the arrivals hall, he was nervous and excited. He knew that Angela had been in San Diego for two days, once again consulting with her client. They had decided to meet at a Starbuck's. It was a weird place to meet after that long time, but the connecting flight to Jamaica had made it necessary.

For the first time in seven years the family wouldn't be together at Christmas, but nobody other than him seemed to note it. Samantha had been invited over to Hank's parents. Her relationship to the puppeteer doctor had become more serious over the months and they both had visited him for a long weekend a few weeks ago. Tony had started to like his daughter's new boyfriend. Jonathan had planned a ski trip to Vermont where he had worked over the summer. He would be safe and sound there with a friend and his parents. And Mona? Well, Mona had found something for sure. She would be able to date Santa Claus himself if she put her mind to it.

As Tony made his way through the airport, he still wasn't quite sure what to think about Angela's idea of going back to Jamaica, but he was willing to go through this with her. Once he made it to the food court, he started looking for her. Finally, he saw her in the crowd, a rolling suitcase in her right hand and the inevitable briefcase in her left. She looked gorgeous, the pregnancy made her even more beautiful. It forced her to wear flat shoes, but that didn't diminish her appearance. Tony couldn't wait any longer and ran over to her. Angela was obviously searching for him when he stopped right in front of her.

"Looking for someone?" he asked, his heart beating faster than usual.

"I'm looking for a handsome Italian man, seems he isn't here… ," she teased.

"I was looking for an incredibly beautiful woman, but it seems I found her… ."

They stopped their bantering and their eyes became sincere.

"Hi, Angela," he said softly.

"Hi Tony," she whispered back and placed her luggage on the floor.

In an instant he wrapped his arms around her and embraced her tightly. For a moment the noise from the overfilled airport subsided and they felt as if they were the only two people in the world. She had missed him so much. All her hopes were pinned to that upcoming vacation now. When he pulled away and let her go it was only because he wanted to place his hand on her wonderful rounded belly. Usually he was a modest person when it came to such intimate gestures in public, but he urgently needed to feel a connection to his baby. To his surprise he felt motion under his hand.

"Oh, hi there. Do you remember me? It's me, your 'most of the time absent father'," he greeted his baby with his usual 'Tony baby voice'.

Angela just smiled.

"Thank you for the cassettes, I play them every day. So she knows your voice and you aren't that absent for her."

Tony had sent Angela two cassettes; on the first he had sung some children's songs and lullabies and on the second he had read one of Angela's favorite books, The Little Prince by Saint-Exupéry. Angela had been moved to tears when she put that cassette into the player for the first time and had listened to Tony's wonderful full voice, reading the sweet little stories.

"A 'she'?" he asked, "do you know more than I know?"

"No. I don't know if it's a 'she', it's more a feeling. I can't explain that. It's just when you're talking to our baby on the cassettes it sounds like you're talking to a 'she'."

"I guess, I thought I was reading to Samantha. I did that when she was toddler. Angela, we need to check in, give me your luggage."

Angela handed him her suitcase and put her briefcase on top of it and they made their way to the check -in counter.

Later they sat in the plane and waited for takeoff. Angela got nervous like always and grabbed Tony's hand. He squeezed it and didn't let go of it even after the plane had been in the air for fifteen minutes. He had missed touching her.

"I want to thank you for the ultrasounds and the… the other picture. I'm sure you weren't very comfortable about it, but I… I wanted it so much."

The slight grin on her face told him he was right with his assumption. Mona had made a side view picture of her three weeks ago. She had worn a tight shirt and yoga pants, so her bigger built belly was seen very obviously. She had been amazed when he had asked her for a photo like that, but she remembered very quickly that there was no picture of her in his beach house. So she swallowed her pride and was more than happy and willing to fulfill his wish.

"You're welcome, "she answered and gripped his hand more tightly, "would it bother you if I take a nap? Today was quite exhausting."

"It's a long flight, Angela. Sleep however long you're able to. I would never keep a pregnant woman from napping."

"Good." In no time, she closed her eyes and fell into a peaceful sleep. Later her head fell down on Tony's shoulder and he, sitting in the middle seat, was jammed between her and a snoring man to his right side. Tony didn't dare to make a move, not wanting to wake her up and so he was trapped in his place for more than two hours. He used the time to think about what might happen in Jamaica. Could there be so much of a difference to their first time there? And more important, did he even want that? He looked down to the sleeping beauty at his side and stroked away a strand of her hair. She surely had so many hopes for this journey, but what about him? What if he messed up everything again? Would she reject him? Like that day… that cursed day he wanted to erase from his memories. Would he ever be able to overcome that day?

Tony had felt lonely the last three months and had thought of Angela every single day. She was his first thought in the morning and the last one at night. He wanted to give their friendship a shot. He wanted to try and he decided to go for it.

When they arrived at the hotel it was almost midnight. Angela had booked two separate rooms with a connecting door. In spite of all the napping on the plane she was out before her head touched the pillow. Tony unpacked the suitcases, hers as well as his. It wasn't his job anymore, but he was so used to it that he hadn't even realized that he might be crossing a line until he detected an orange dress in her luggage. It was the one she had worn when she had danced in front of all those people and of course in front of him. He smiled, not really knowing why she had packed it. She wouldn't fit into it anymore, but maybe she brought it for sentimental reasons. He wasn't exactly sure if he should close the door between their rooms, but decided to leave it open.

Later while he rested in bed with his arms behind his neck he tried to relax. The flight had been long but nice, with Angela lying so close to him. Slowly, he drifted into sleep.

Angela woke up when the first daylight broke through her window. She checked her watch and groaned. Her muscles were tense. It was early, just a few minutes past five. Noticing the open bedroom door she climbed out of bed and walked through it. She glanced at Tony, who slept peacefully on his side. Quietly she kneeled down beside his bed. A sweaty strand of hair had fallen on his forehead and she stroked it away tenderly. If he only knew how she felt about him. She had never told him about her recent feelings, but weren't they here to figure it out? He groaned in his sleep, but seemed suddenly aware of her proximity.

"Angela, something wrong? Are you okay?" he asked, concerned.

"I'm all right," she whispered, "I'm sorry I didn't want to wake you up. You must be tired, sleep on!" She wanted to stand up from the floor, but to her surprise he held her back.

"You can't go back to sleep?"

"No, my back hurts. It's from the long flight."

"Come in, I'll give you a massage." He pulled the thin blanket aside and reluctantly Angela crawled in. The sudden closeness almost made her breathless.

"Turn around," he demanded softly. Angela turned his back to him. She just wore a thin top and sleeping shorts, the heat in Jamaica made everything else superfluous.

Tony pulled the top further up and placed his hands on her smooth skin. From the back her pregnancy was almost invisible. Carefully he started kneading her tense muscles and he could feel her relax under his hands. He was good at massaging, he knew that. She fell asleep again within few minutes.

They woke up, spooned and feeling comfortable, when the sun stood already high in the sky.

"Tony, I'm sorry I fell asleep in here," she said awkwardly and sat up on the bedside, feeling the loss of his protective arms immediately.

"Hey, I invited you, didn't I? Feelin' better? Any pain?

"No. I feel more relaxed than ever."

"Let's see whether there is some breakfast for us."

After an extensive breakfast they decided to visit the seaport of Montego Bay, an excursion they hadn't made their last time in Jamaica. Both of them were excited about the variety of vegetation and the old plantation houses. Tony had taken Angela's hand while walking over the uneven ground. He didn't want her stumble. Obviously she enjoyed the contact, because any time she had briefly dropped his hand to show him something, she then quickly slipped it back in his.

Over the next days they enjoyed their meals together, eating the variety of fish and seafood. The warm wind and the sun made them feel as though they were living in a different world. A world, where everything that happened before never existed and so the days passed. Some with more excursions, some in lazy slowness and lethargy while sunbathing and relaxing.

Angela preferred the shadow and relaxed under a sunshade. At her state of pregnancy she wasn't comfortable with too much sun. She had felt shy and embarrassed at first. Going to the beach in a bathing suit that showed a lot of her huge belly made her feel extremely insecure. Having a handsome man at her side didn't even make that any better. At first she had been certain that Tony would look around for pretty girls and in fact he got a lot of looks from women travelling alone, but he never seemed to notice. He only had eyes for her and they made up for the lost three months, talking to each other about everything under the sun. He told her funny stories about his job, how good he felt that he made it there. She had told him about her growing agency and how she got more and more clients, now even in California. It was almost like nothing had ever happened and both enjoyed the quality time together.

But they never ended up in bed together like that first night when Tony had massaged her back. He was still too hesitant in his touch. He was holding hands with her, caressing her belly but that was it. One day she had kissed him on the cheek out of reflex, showing gratitude for bringing her a fruit juice and he had placed his hand on his cheek after her kiss. He had looked at her, surprised, but for one singular second his desire was visible. She thought of apologizing for her sudden little attack but decided against it. It was spontaneous and she wanted it; that's what they were here for, to find a way to live their life as parents again.

On their last evening they had an exclusive dinner outside of the restaurant. Both had been quiet, they knew all this had come to an end and they had still not spoken about the future.

Tony's thoughts had wandered around the entire day. After these wonderful days he was more certain of what he wanted, but was she too? He didn't know. She had been close to him all the days and her tender kiss that one day made him almost certain that she had still feelings for him that went deeper than friendship. He always kept in mind that they needed to be open to rescuing whatever there might be to rescue. Tony suggested one last walk on the beach and they had pulled their shoes off, walking slowly over the sand. They didn't talk much, both knowing that this had to be the night of decision. They landed, like led by a magic hand, by that small bench they had talked on a year earlier. Both sat down, unsure what to say.

Tony wanted to explain so much and decided to take the first step.

"So," he said and locked eyes with her.

"Here we are again," she managed to say, but couldn't hide the fear that suddenly crawled up her body.

Tony nodded and intertwined his hands with Angela's. They were cold and a bit shaky.

"Angela, we are at the crossroads and we need to make a decision. Today, now! We can't postpone the subject forever."

"I know," she whispered, her eyes on their connected hands.

Tony inhaled deeply.

"The last time I said I didn't exactly have a ball," he paused, then talked again, "I can't say that this time. I had a ball. The last days have been wonderful for me. I… I enjoyed every single minute with you."

"So did I. I liked the time we spent together. I just wish it would have been like this the last time."

"Good."

"Good."

" I need to give you an explanation for something I said when we met in Fairfield. When we were in that park where… ."

"Where I overreacted?"

"You didn't overreact. Let's say you were driven by pregnancy hormones, okay?"

Tony tried to get his head together. This was the most important talk in his life and didn't want to leave one stone unturned in working everything out.

"Angela, you said you wanted a family again."

"And you said a family isn't enough for you."

"But I didn't dare to give you further explanations."

"What would those be?"

"Like I want us to be a family too. Like I want us to be couple. Like I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Like I want you like no other woman in the world. Like… I love you. I need you, as my partner, my friend, my supporter, my soulmate and my lover. I can't forget that night you came to me, so daring and so … trusting at the same time. It meant everything to me. Look, last time I said I didn't know about us. I'd said I didn't know whether I would work for you, marry you or date you and live elsewhere. Well, I don't work for you anymore and I live elsewhere, but I know I love you. No matter what comes, I always will. I want you in my life forever." Tony didn't move and made no signs to show her his love.

Angela was overwhelmed. Tony had never been a man who used grand words but his speech had touched her heart. Everything she had dreamed of had come true. He loved her! But she still had the feeling that there was something that held him back.

"Tony, " she called out his name softly, "you made me the happiest woman in the world. I love you too. I always have."

"You do?" he asked, "ooh." Motionless he glanced at their hands, still the only physical connection.

"What is it, Tony? It's not all you have to say, I can feel it, there is more. You must tell me."

He looked into her eyes and she realized he felt the same fear and pain she felt at the beginning of their talk.

"I'm afraid we can't make it, Angela. What if we fail? What if I make mistakes? I'm afraid that you… ," he stopped unable to go on.

"That I what?"

"That you'll give up on us again. Like that day after the night we had. The day in your office."

Now it was out and Angela completely understood. That's why he acted so reluctantly.

"You think I would reject you, send you away again, don't you?"

"Yes. That's what I fear the most. I wouldn't survive that, Angela. The day in your office I wanted to die."

Angela closed the distance between them. Slowly, she cupped his face.

"Look at me," she whispered softly, "that will never happen again. Never. The moment you closed the door behind you I knew I made a mistake. An unforgivable mistake, but my pride got in the way. But believe me, I've learned my lesson. I will always swallow my pride for you. My life is nothing without you. We've come from so far and look, we made it. And it will always be this way. I love you, Tony Micelli and I never let you go out of my life again." She stroked his face and let her hands drop, waiting for his reaction.

Tony couldn't believe what he heard. She was a victim of her pride, just like he was all the earlier years. His heart became as light as a summer breeze. He took her hands and held them to his heart.

"I promise you, I'll do whatever I can for us." Slowly he let go of her hands, cupped her face and slowly pressed his lips on hers. Angela closed her eyes and let herself fall into this kiss. A kiss which showed her his love, unconditional and sincere and she knew she would never doubt their love again. This kiss was different to the one they shared on this bench so long ago, it wasn't filled with the passionate desperation they had felt then. It was a kiss between two people who were meant to be together and were sure about it.