Chapter 10: FIXING WHAT MATTERS

"Who the hell does this guy think he is?" Patterson fumes, pacing angrily across the conference room floor. "He can't tell me who I can arrest, who I can prosecute. This is MY county…It should be MY decision who gets charged with anything. That arrogant son-of-…" As if remembering she's not alone, the DA's dark eyes snap to Jarry, who's sitting at the table pretending to read texts on her phone.

Actually, Jarry can understand the other woman's frustration. Talk about a one-sided tug-of-war; Reese has all the weight on his side when it comes to the Roosevelt-Knowles case - or any case for that matter. Patterson can bitch all she wants about his decisions, but there's really not a damn thing she can do about it; both Nick's boss, the Attorney-General, and the Governor sit firmly in the inner-circle of the man's large and powerful fan club.

Which means Jackson Teller dodges jail again. Patterson had wanted to use Collette Jane's arrest and incarceration for felony drug possession as an excuse to lock him up as well; since the Biker King and the Madam are business partners, and a mountain of narcotics were seized at that place of "business," it's only reasonable to infer that Teller's involved as well. But Reese put the kibosh on arresting Teller, citing reasons he'd explain when he gets back from San Francisco tomorrow. That should be interesting…

With Teller off-limits, Jarry types a text to Cane; she hasn't forgotten how talking to Juice had spiked her bullshit meter. The guy's definitely hiding something…While they wait for Reese to hand down their marching orders, it may be a good time to check out Juice's alibi - the SAMCRO Queen, herself.

Then remembering the look on Collette Jane's face when she talked about Teller, she types out another text. Might not be a bad idea to find out the whore's whereabouts when her business partner's beloved wife was savagely murdered. Somewhere in this pile of scumbags, Jarry knows the truth's waiting. She just has to find it.

Jax's not sure what he expected Margaret Murphy's husband to look like, but somehow he hadn't pictured the ever-so-professional hospital administrator married to a burly giant who looks more like a lumberjack mob enforcer than a man who'd devoted his life to helping kids. But within seconds of meeting Dave Murphy, he realizes there's nothing threatening whatsoever about the guy; quite the opposite - with his big, friendly smile and warm brown eyes, Jax can see why Abel opened up to him.

"Really appreciate you helping us out." Jax shakes the man's beefy paw as Margaret opens the door to her office.

Murphy grins and pats him on the shoulder. "Glad to be of help. Tara meant a lot to the both of us, too. And Abel's a real sweet kid."

"I'll leave you two alone." Stepping back from the door, Margaret waves both men into the room - and for the first time since Tara's death, Jax notices there's no hostility in her eyes when she looks at him.

He shakes his head and touches her arm lightly. "Actually, I'd like it if you could stay. Please."

Surprise flashes briefly in the woman's eyes before she nods, a small smile brightening her face as she steers them towards the couch and chairs next to her desk. It's more than clear that Margaret really cares about his boys, just like she cared about their mother; he's counting on it.

Sitting down on the couch, the big man squeezes his wife's hand while focusing his gaze on Jax. "I know Megs told you that I'm not a professional child psychologist, just a retired elementary school guidance counselor."

Megs? Jax tries not to laugh out loud at the thought of uptight, straight-laced Margaret Murphy with a perky nickname like Megs. "Yeah, she did. And that's fine with me. If you can help my son, I wouldn't care if you're the school janitor."

Murphy nods then exhales loudly. "Okay, then…I have to you warn you, this may be hard for you to hear - but it's important to know what Abel's going through right now." At Jax's nod, Murphy pulls out a sheet of paper from the folder he'd been holding. "I asked him to draw me a picture of his family, and he gave me this…"

When Jax was in Stockton, Tara must've sent him dozens of brightly colored pictures that Abel had drawn of their family: stick-figure drawings of himself with his baby brother, parents and grandparents. Taking the paper Murphy hands him, he swallows hard at the sight of two small, yellow-headed stick figures holding hands with the taller stick figure with brown hair, a big pink smile and green dots for eyes. A family of three - for some reason, Abel had left Jax out of the picture. What the fuck does this mean?

"When I saw this, a few things struck me - mainly because you're missing…and because evidently Abel still views his mother as the center of his family. So I asked him about that…" Murphy hesitates, prompting Jax to tear his eyes from Abel's picture and stare hard at the man until he continues. "…Jax, he doesn't understand that Tara's not coming back."

Stunned, Jax's jaw drops open. "But his grandmother and I…we both told him that his Mommy went to heaven."

Murphy exchanges looks with his wife before fixing his gaze on Jax once again. "I know…But it appears that he doesn't know exactly what that means. Look, I know Tara was…incarcerated recently. Maybe Abel remembers that - even when she was gone for a little while - she did come back."

Jax closes his eyes as a recent memory pierces him. "Oh shit. He was looking for her…When I took the boys back to the house for the first time since… Well, he thought she'd be there."

Murphy nods grimly then hands his sniffling wife a tissue. "Which leads me to why you aren't in this picture…Why your mother isn't in the picture, despite the fact she's been his primary caretaker since Tara died…Abel believes that the two of you are the reason his Mommy went away. And…to be frank…he's very angry about it."

Momentarily stunned, Jax stares at Murphy in confusion. "What? Why would he…" His eyes widen as realization dawns. "Jesus Christ. The last time he saw her, Tara and I were going to meet the DA. He didn't want to leave her…begged to come with us, but I made him go with my guys to the ice cream shop. Tara told him she would pick him and Thomas up later, but she never got the chance..." He closes his eyes for a long moment, clutching Abel's drawing. "Does he think I killed her?"

Taken aback by the blunt question, Dave shakes his head. "I don't know if Abel understands the concept of killing, Jax. He just knows that his Mommy's gone…and in his mind, you're the one who took her away."

The throbbing headache that'd hammered his skull earlier in the day roars back with a goddamn vengeance, forcing his head to drop into his hands. Every goddamn day's been a living hell for him since he lost Tara - apparently, a living hell that he'd passed on to his sons. Fuck.

After getting out of the hospital, Jax had agonized over how he could possibly face his sons knowing that their mother had died because of him - because of all the shit he'd brought into their lives, because of all the promises he broke. And now that that crushing guilt's grown exponentially worse knowing that Abel blamed him, too.

Somehow he manages to lift his head - no easy feat given the pounding in his brain - and meets Murphy's worried eyes, although it's Margaret's voice that penetrates his pain-filled haze. "Jax, are you okay?" She opens the side table cabinet door, extracts a bottle of water and sticks it into his hand. "Are you taking your medication?"

Medication? What fucking medication? Then he remembers all the pills that the doctor prescribed him after he got out of the hospital; the pills still sitting untouched in the bag. "Uh, yeah - thanks," he lies before guzzling down the water. "I'm fine…So what now? What do I do?"

"You need to talk to him," Murphy answers firmly, shaking his head as Jax sputters to remind him of all the attempts he's made that Abel ignored. "About Tara. You need to talk to him about his mother; that you miss her, too...Explain that, even though she's not coming back to live with you guys, she'll always be with all of you because…all of you are a family."

Jax looks down at the picture again, swallows hard again then nods slowly. "Okay." Christ, he'd been avoiding this; talking about Tara's the last thing he wants to do - it hurts too fucking much - but if it's what his son needs... "Is that why he hasn't been talking? Because he's been pissed at me this whole time?"

"Partly." Murphy smiles at him sadly. "He said that his Mommy told him that if he didn't have anything nice to say, he shouldn't say anything. Young kids can be pretty literal in their thinking process." No shit.

And if Tara told him something, Abel would follow it to the letter; there wasn't a kid ever born who loved his Mommy more than Abel Teller. From the beginning, his son's always had a marked preference for the only mother he's ever known - even as an infant screaming and crying from colic, teething or some other distress, Abel always seemed to calm down and gurgle happily once Tara would hold him. Like father, like son.

"Hell, you weren't kidding when you said this would be hard to hear…" Jax runs his fingers through his hair, trying to process all this shit. "What about my mother? Why would Abel think she had anything to do with his mom going away? Was it because she had to break the news to him?"

Murphy once again glances at his wife, but this time, Margaret looks away, her lips tightening with suppressed anger. "What is it?" Jax's gaze bounces from husband to wife, trying to read the meaning behind Murphy's obvious discomfort and his wife's furious disgust.

"To answer that, I need to say something else that might also be hard for you to hear….Before she died, I take it Tara wasn't getting along with your mother…" Murphy stares at his hands; apparently his gifted approach with kids doesn't exactly translate to adults.

Jax gapes at him for a second; what in holy fucking hell's the guy trying to say? "Look man, my mom and Tara always had a schizo relationship; but at the end of the day, they loved each other…There's no fucking way that my mom…"

The big man's eyes widen. "No! That's not what…I'm not implying that your mom had anything to do with...Oh hell no…" Murphy shakes his head furiously then explains that Abel had overheard his Grandma yelling at his Mommy, who wound up crying after Grandma left. "Young children can be quite sensitive to conflict, often assigning more drastic meaning to what they see and hear…and often becoming afraid in the process."

Fucking hell…Gemma and Tara's relationship had been spiraling down the shitter since he took the gavel, but at least they'd always stayed civil around Abel and Thomas. It'd been an unspoken, but steadfast rule: no fighting around the boys. With her fucked-up childhood, Tara might've been a little more diligent than most at trying to keep her sons feeling happy and safe. Although apparently, that'd gone to shit as well if Gemma had been yelling at Tara with Abel in earshot.

"…he believes that his Grandma told you make his Mommy go away. That's why neither of you are in his family picture…Abel wants his mother back, even if it means no Daddy and no Grandma. I'm sorry, Jax…I know that really sucks to hear, but…"

"That's not all…" Surprised by Margaret's interruption, both Jax and Murphy turn to stare at her. Ignoring her husband's plea to let him handle this, she shakes her head and pushes forward. "There's Wendy…" The hate-filled loathing on Margaret's face and in her voice could launch wars. "That junkie bitch…Abel said she told him that she's his mother. As if that poor boy wasn't going through enough pain."

Jax feels his blood freeze despite the roaring heat of the rage exploding inside him. He grips his armrests tight to keep from jumping up and throwing the chair through the window. "When?" He asks through clenched teeth. "I thought Wendy was in rehab."

"Apparently she's been out for a couple of days." Murphy squeezes his wife's arm in an attempt to soothe her agitation. He looks at Jax as if trying to figure out how to do the same for him before dropping the next bombshell. "She's been staying with your mother. Abel said…"

This time Jax lets his fury propel him to his feet; he's going to fucking kill his mother, then that goddamn fucking junkie bitch. The speedball he'd jammed into her arm's going to feel like a fucking day at goddamn Disneyland compared to what he's going to do to that stupid bitch now. Nodding curtly, he thanks the wide-eyed couple before stalking out the door.

"Jax!" He's nearly to the elevator when he hears Margaret calling after him. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have blurted it out about Wendy like that…"

He pushes the elevator button then turns to face her. "Yeah, you should've." As the elevator door opens, Margaret surprises him when she steps into the empty car with him.

"What are you going to do?" She asks him warily as the doors close. "I know it's none of my business, but you have to be careful. If anything happens to you…the boys…Tara wouldn't have wanted them to wind up with your mother. Or Wendy…not anymore." Margaret pulls off her glasses to wipe her eyes. "I told Tara she shouldn't trust that woman…but she was desperate for the boys' safety; Wendy promised…" She shakes her head, her face hardening with anger. "Wendy betrayed her…just like we all did."

The doors slide open to the lobby floor, but Jax stands rooted to the spot. "What are you talking about? You've always been there for her…tried to help her get away from all this shit. Christ, if only Tara had taken the boys and gone to Oregon that first time…" Jax charges out of the elevator car, sick to his stomach at the memory of how happy and relieved he'd been when Tara decided to stay with him instead of heading to safety.

"No, Jax" Margaret's soft voice stops him in his tracks. "I failed her when she need me the most. And when everything went to hell, I left her to face it alone. Again."

Jax's eyes sting as he absorbs her meaning; Margaret had left Tara alone with Salazar, their murderous kidnapper - albeit at Tara's insistence. Then apparently again when the shit hit the fan about the fake miscarriage; Margaret must've been afraid of his reaction and retaliation and took off with her family. "I would've never hurt Tara, Margaret" he tells her quietly. "Never." He could add that seeing Tara in any kind of pain always hurt him, too; maybe even more. But he doesn't.

Margaret nods, sniffling as she flashes him a small smile. "I know that now, Jax."

He stares at her for a long minute. "Look Margaret…I've made some plans for my family; plans that Tara would've wanted. I can't go into detail right now, but I'd like for you and Dave to think about being the boys' legal guardians if anything should happen to me." Watching her jaw drop open and eyes widen in surprise, Jax hurries on to mitigate the shock. "You don't have to decide right away…and I'll understand if you don't want to do it."

Tears slide down Margaret's cheeks as her smile broadens, spreading across her face. "I'd be honored, Jax. I just have to talk it over with Dave and our kids…But I can't imagine they'd say no. Molly loves them both already." She must've seen the question in his eyes. "Molly's our youngest daughter, she works part-time at the daycare."

"Thank you." He pats her arm. "I got to go. Let me know what you decide."

Storming out of the hospital, the temporary lid he'd put on his rage while talking to Margaret blows to hell at the thought of that goddamn piece of shit junkie near his boys, traumatizing Abel even further - with his own mother's help. Goddamn them both. Pulling out his phone, he dials Rat and tells him to pick up Tara's SUV then head over to Gemma's. When he arrived at St. Thomas earlier, Margaret told him that Gemma had already picked up the boys; for her sake, he hopes his mother enjoyed the past few days with her grandsons - it'll be over his fucking cold, dead body before they stay with her again.

"What do you mean she's gone?" Tara's green eyes widen in disbelief. Her horrified gaze drifts over to Abel, sleeping soundly in his carrier next to them on the picnic blanket. "How could she just leave her son?"

It's been three days since Donna's funeral, three days since Tara decided to forego her job offer in Chicago and stay in Charming, three days since he told Wendy there'd be no chance in hell for a reconciliation between the two of them. Jax had Tara back, and even though they'd agreed to go slow, he doesn't need or want anyone else. Wendy had begged him to reconsider, insisting once again that they could be happy together as a family. When he refused, she'd screamed all the familiar accusations that she'd hurled at him over and over throughout their short marriage: that he never loved her, that he'd just used her to get over Tara, that he was a goddamn shitty husband. Jax'd kept silent during her tirade; there'd been nothing to say - it was all true.

After realizing that she couldn't sway Jax from Tara, Wendy decided to leave town - severing all ties with him and Abel; apparently she had no interest in motherhood if the package didn't include Jax. So he'd wasted no time asking Rosen to draw up the custody papers, which Wendy signed without a blink of an eye on her way out of town. With their divorce final any day now, he finally felt free of one of the biggest mistakes of his life.

But as much as he bitterly regretted marrying Wendy, he couldn't regret his little boy - not in a million years. It's just every time he watches Tara with Abel - like this afternoon when she'd more or less refused to put the baby down during their picnic lunch - he wishes that she'd been his baby's mother. Like they'd always planned.

"Going back to rehab - again - then who knows…She's giving me full custody so I really don't care what she does." Done talking about his junkie ex, he rolls them over on the blanket so that he's looming above her, staring into those beautiful green eyes that've owned him nearly all his life. "So it's going to be just the three of us…" He drops a lingering kiss on those full pink lips. "You okay with that?"

She reaches up to stroke his beard, smiling wryly. "Actually, the four of us - don't forget your mother. But yeah, I'm okay with that…Who wouldn't want to be around two incredibly gorgeous men? I'm a lucky girl…"

"Yeah?" He grins down at her before nuzzling her neck, brushing the velvety soft skin with his lips. "You want to get luckier?" His pulse soars at the sound and feel of her giggling against him, her hands sifting through his hair and rubbing his shoulders.

But unfortunately for his body's swelling excitement, he's fully aware that - in addition to Abel sleeping less than a foot away - they're not alone at the park. So although potential witnesses prevent them from going as far as he'd like, it doesn't stop him from running his hands all over the most delicious terrain on the planet. Fusing his mouth to hers, he pulls her tight against him; Christ, he loves the feel and taste and smell of her. "Holy shit, Babe," he gasps against her mouth. "I love you, Tara. Love you…" He leans in to claim those luscious lips again, ready to keep drowning in the mind-blowing sensation that he could only feel with her.

That is until Abel decides to wake up from his short nap in true hungry (and/or wet) baby mode, squalling at the top of his lungs. Suddenly, Jax finds himself missing the warm, luscious body that'd been pressed to his just seconds before. "Sorry, Baby." She pecks him on the cheek before crawling off towards Abel's carrier.

Slightly dazed and more than slightly frustrated, he can't help but smile ruefully at the sight of the two most important people in his life bonding at his expense, well his libido's expense. Propping himself up, his heart swells as he watches Tara cradle the baby in her arms, crooning softly until Abel's gurgling happily, grasping her finger tightly in his fist.

"Wow, that's some grip you've got there, Buddy." Tara giggles as she gazes down at Abel in loving admiration, just like a proud mom. As Jax watches her feed Abel his bottle, it dawns on him that he doesn't have to wish that Tara had been Abel's mother; from the adoring looks shared between his baby boy and the love of his life, they've already claimed each other as mother and son.

Scrambling to a sitting position, he wraps his arms around the two people he loves most in the world. "No, Babe." He presses a kiss to her silky hair. "I'm the lucky one."

"Jax, what are you doing here?" His mother's eyes widen in alarm at the sight of him and Rat walking into her living room. "Did something happen to Nero?" Tears pool in her eyes. "Don't tell me he's…"

In no fucking mood to allay her fears, Jax doesn't respond, looking around the room instead. "Where are my sons?" She doesn't have to respond as he spots them through the glass patio door leading to the backyard; Thomas in his carrier and Abel sitting next to him, scribbling in a notebook.

Stalking towards the door, his blood boils at the sight of Wendy squatting next to his boys trying to engage a silent Abel in a conversation. But before Jax can race over there and choke the life out of the worthless bitch, she reaches into the carrier to touch Thomas' chubby leg, triggering a shocking response from Abel.

"No!" The little boy screams at her. "Don't touch Tommy!" Them to everyone's stunned surprise, Abel picks up a small rock and hurls it into Wendy's face. "Don't touch my brother!"

"Abel!" Gemma recovers from shock first, racing over to Wendy, sprawled on the ground crying as she tries to stem the blood pouring from the cut on her face. "Apologize to Wendy right now!" Instead, Abel scowls at both of them, sullenly refusing to say a word.

But before Gemma can insist, Jax steps in and shakes his head; he glares ominously at both women before bending down next to his son. "We're going now. Go inside and grab what you need, then Rat's going to drive both of you home. I'll be right there." He squeezes Abel's shoulder reassuringly then kisses Thomas' chubby cheek before nodding at Rat to pick up Thomas' carrier and escort Abel inside.

Once alone with the two women, he lunges for Wendy, grabbing the vile bitch by the neck and squeezing tight as she writhes on the ground like the goddamn slimy worm that she is. "You fucking cunt…" He growls, hate spewing from every pore in his body. "My little boy's hurting and you decide to fuck with his mind. You selfish bitch; you've always been a goddam selfish bitch." He tightens his grip, ignoring Wendy's grunting cries and his mother's pleas for him to stop. Holy shit, it would be so easy to fucking kill this worthless piece of shit. But somehow sanity kicks in, telling him he doesn't need that goddamn complication right now.

Releasing her, almost reluctantly, he steps back and coldly watches her gasp for air. "Listen carefully because I'm going to say this to you one more time…Stay away from my sons." He channels all of his murderous hate into a lethal glare, which he levels at her until sheer terror consumes her face. "The next time I see you…you die."

Jax shoots his mother a withering look then turns to storm out of her house. Ignoring her as she shouts his name, he walks out the front door in time to watch Rat drive away with his boys. Heading over to his bike, he feels his mother grab his arm. Shrugging off her grasp, he straps on his helmet before turning to face her.

"You crossed the line, Gemma," he snaps, venting his rage. "I don't know what fucking mind game you're playing, but it ends now."

Feigning confusion, she tries to look both innocent and contrite - and fails miserably; Gemma Teller Morrow wouldn't know innocent or contrite if either bit her on the ass. "I'm sorry, Jackson. She had nowhere else to go…But I'll get rid of her. I…I didn't know Abel would have such a problem with her."

She didn't know that a grief-stricken little boy might've had a problem with a total stranger telling him that the mother he'd loved more than anything in the world wasn't really his mother? What a goddamn fucking pile of shit. Shaking his head, he gets on his bike. "Doesn't matter," he tells her coldly. "My sons are never coming back here. It's obvious that I can't trust you. Tara was right all along." Hurt and anger spread across his mother's face, but before she can respond, his cel phone rings. Chibs. Shit, this can't be good.

Answering the call, he listens to his Brother report on Nero's condition. Clenching the phone tightly, he feels cold fear replace the boiling anger that'd pumped through his veins just seconds before. "I'll meet you guys there."

"What is it?" Gemma grips his arm. "What's happening with Nero? Goddamnit, Jackson, you can't keep that from me. I deserve to know what's happening to him."

Dropping his phone in his pocket, he eyes his mother coldly. As much as he loves her, it's going to be a while before he'll be able to forgive her for this. But he knows how much she loves Nero; she deserves to know the truth there. "He's in bad shape. Chibs and the Mayan doc can't help him; the bullets are buried too deep for them to dig out - anything they try to do could kill him. Nero needs a real doctor." He needs Tara, the gifted surgeon who'd saved so many - and some, like Abel and Bobby, despite staggering odds; although unspoken, he knows that same thought strikes them both at the same time.

Gemma's face crumples. "Oh Jesus…What are we going to do? He can't die, Jax! He can't die…" Burying her face in her hands, she sobs brokenly. "This is my fault…I'm so sorry…Jesus, I'm so sorry…"

For a minute he almost feels sorry for her - although he's got no idea why she'd blame herself for the Niners' bullets lodged inside the man she loved. That's on Marks and his goddamn fucked-up drive for power. Easing up on his rage, he tells Gemma that Chibs and Lyla are driving Nero to St. Thomas; the Mayans and the rest of SAMCRO would be staying back to avoid linking Nero's injury with any MC business.

"I'm on my way there now." He tells her. "You can come, too. Or I can have Chibs keep you posted."

His mother nods gratefully. "I'll get my car. What about the boys? Who…"

The tiny bit of pity he'd felt for her disappears into thin fucking air. "That's not your concern," he informs her coldly. But before she can argue, he guns his bike's engine and takes off for the hospital. His tolerance for her bullshit just maxed out.

He wakes with a jolt; his frantic eyes wildly scour the darkness until he recognizes his own dark bedroom. Just a nightmare, he assures himself, trying to control his ragged breathing - just another goddamn nightmare. Relaxing his tense muscles, he closes his eyes and sinks into his pillow. Shit, the bloody violence in his dreams seems to be getting worse - although it's nothing, fucking nothing compared to the actual, real-life horror of Abel and Tara at the mercy of vicious, violent kidnappers. Suddenly realizing that he doesn't feel Tara's warmth against him, he reaches for her but feels nothing but cool sheets.

His eyes fly open again as he bolts upright. For a terrifying moment he wonders whether he'd dreamed about saving her from Salazar, dreamed about bringing her home, dreamed about putting his family back together. Panic swells in his chest, threatening to choke him, until he hears the sound of her soft voice piping in through the baby monitor.

Slipping on his boxers, he pads barefoot to Abel's room where Tara's sitting in the rocking chair feeding the baby his bottle. Hugely relieved, he tells himself to go back to bed; tomorrow's going to be a crazy fucking day - his last day of freedom for fourteen months (if they're lucky). But transfixed by the sight of his Old Lady cuddling his son, he can't force himself move from the dark doorway.

"I missed you so much." She drops a soft kiss to Abel's forehead. "We have a lot of catching up to do…First, you're going to be a big brother - isn't that exciting? I just know you'll be the best big brother. Just like your Daddy was to his little brother. Remember when I told you about your Uncle Tommy? He was my best friend when we were little. You look so much like him..."

Jax can't help but smile as Abel drops his bottle to reach up and touch Tara's cheeks. The baby's definitely taking after his old man - can't keep his hands off the most beautiful girl in the world.

"I don't know if your Daddy's been able to tell you, but he'll need to go away for a little while. So it'll be just you and me, and then soon your little brother or sister. Hope that's okay with you…Of course, we'll visit your Daddy every week and see your Grandma every day. I promise I'll take good care of you." She gently grips one of his chubby hands in hers and kisses his small fingers. "I'm so sorry I didn't stop that bad man from taking you. It's my fault you had to go through all of that…my fault…But I swear, Abel, for as long as I live, I'll keep you safe. No one will hurt my baby boy ever again..."

It takes all Jax's self-control not to barge in and tell her that she's wrong; that he's the only person to blame for Abel's kidnapping and hers as well. It's his fault for letting those fucked-up pricks anywhere near his family; his fault for exposing the two (soon to be three) people he loves most in the world to the ugly horror of his thug life. Instead, he heads back to bed to wait for her. Turning up the baby monitor, he grins at the sound of his son's happy babbling as Tara croons and sings to him. Then when the Abel falls silent, Jax hears her rise and tuck the sleeping baby into his crib before softly whispering "I love you."

A few minutes later, she's slipping into bed beside him - where she belongs. Wrapping his arms tightly around her, he drops a soft kiss to her lips then gazes into those warm green eyes. "I love you more."

Jax's eyes snap open at the sound of her voice; Christ, he's going out of his goddamn fucking mind. With his sons home, he didn't want to drink himself into a stupor tonight; not to mention, Bobby's haunting words - there's no fucking way he'll turn into that prick, Frank Knowles. But without whiskey's numbing effects, it's almost impossible to fall asleep - especially when he can't get the sound of her voice out of his head.

It doesn't help that he's still worried sick about Nero. His friend had made it through surgery at St. Thomas, but Dr. Gallagher had warned them that the delay in getting him to the hospital might've damaged some internal organs; the full extent won't be known until all the tests come back in the next couple of days. Nero's not out of the woods yet.

Goodnight bears
Goodnight chairs
Goodnight kittens
And goodnight mittens…

Holy fucking shit, Jax bolts up in bed. It's definitely Tara's voice; he knows the beautiful sound of it better than he knows his own - and he's heard that voice reading that story hundreds of times throughout his life. It'd been his little brother Tommy's favorite…and Abel's. Turning to the source, he stares dumbly at the baby monitor as the hushed softness of Tara's voice streams through the speaker.

Goodnight stars
Goodnight air
Goodnight noises everywhere…*

Bolting out of bed, he walks quickly but quietly down the hall to Thomas' room. Heart pounding, he stands outside the partially closed door trying to process how he could've possibly heard her voice…which had sounded so achingly real. Peering through the open crack, he spots Abel, dressed in his pajamas, sitting beside Thomas' crib talking softly to his little brother as he closes a much newer copy of Goodnight Moon.

Reaching into the backpack that never leaves his side, Abel pulls out another book. "I know you like this one, Tommy." He weaves a hand through the crib bars to touch his brother's plump cheek. "Me, too." Then opening the book, Abel pushes a button and once again, Tara's voice fills Jax's senses, rooting him to the spot.

I love you quicker than a minute, I love you longer than an hour
I love you like the honey bee that's buzzing around a flower

Unable to stand in the doorway any longer, Jax steps into the room, drawing both of his son's gazes. Abel stiffens visibly and closes the book, the painfully familiar blank stare back in place. Trying not to flinch from the sting of his son's anger, Jax walks over to the crib; lifting up Thomas, he cradles his baby son in his arms before hunkering down to sit next to Abel. "I'd love to hear the book." The little boy eyes him warily, and for a second, Jax fears he might just storm out of the room, like he'd done before when Jax tried to reach out to him. "Please…I loved her, too. So much…"

Abel's blue gaze drift from Jax to his little brother, resting comfortably against their Daddy's chest; then relaxing somewhat, he opens the book and pushes the button to start the story. Once again, Tara's melodic voice fills the room. And every aching part of him.

I love you the stronger than the wind. I love you softer than a cloud
I love you when you are quiet, and I love you when you are loud
I love you closer than your shadow, I love you further than the sun
I love you, too when raindrops fall one by one by one

Jax closes his eyes; burying his face in Thomas' soft blond hair, he feels his heart swell with love for his remarkable wife. She must've recorded these books for the boys right after she got out of Stockton, wanting to make sure that Abel and Thomas had bedtime stories long after she left them.

I love you round and round the world. I love you through and through.
And when it seems impossible to love you more…I do**

How many times throughout their long relationship had he thought that very thing…every time he didn't think it was humanly possible for him to love her any more than he already did, she'd do something that'd bring him tumbling to his knees, falling deeper and harder than ever before. Just like now. Jesus Christ…how in fucking hell's he supposed to live the rest of his life without her? He'd failed abysmally the first time she left, but he'd somehow pushed himself forward thinking that somehow, someday he might get her back. But there's no chance of that now…No goddamn chance…

"Don't cry, Daddy." He feels a soft hand touch his shoulder, prompting his eyes to fly open to see a blurry Abel staring at him with concerned blue eyes.

Trying to smile, he swipes at his eyes with his free hand. "Sorry, Buddy. I just really miss your mom a lot, you know?" At Abel's solemn nod, he fingercombs the little boy's hair, like Tara always used to do. "But she's here with us…because she loves us, she'll always be here."

Then taking a risk, he pulls the little boy towards him so that's he's hugging both his sons tightly. Jax breathes a huge sigh of relief when - instead of resisting - Abel leans into him, burrowing against his chest. "Your Mommy and I love you both so much, so much." Staring into Thomas' painfully familiar green eyes, he presses a kiss to Abel's hair, feeling himself breaking down once again.

"It's okay, Daddy." Abel looks up and flashes him a look that reminds him so much of Tara, his heart nearly stops. Even with no physical resemblance, no one could mimic Tara's expressions better than Abel. "It's okay, Daddy. I'm right here."

*from Goodnight Moon by Margaret Wise Brown

**from All the Ways I Love You by Theresa Trinder