Hello again!

Are you guys ready for some Cullen? I know I am! Anyway my thanks to savankala, starryskyondragon'sback, flaminea, and of course DalishEssence for your comments and reviews. They really do mean a lot to me and help motivate me to keep writing. I'm pretty excited to hear what you all think of this chapter.

russianbear27

Chapter 13

Try as he may, Cullen wouldn't go back to the way things had been before seeing Kali again. Concentrating on his work had become nearly impossible. His mind was preoccupied with thoughts of her and all the mistakes he'd made. Kirkwall was supposed to be somewhere for him to get away from what happened. A chance for him to start over and establish himself in the Order.

Instead, he had nowhere to go with his struggles. He would not bother the Knight-Commander with his problems, nor would he turn to the lower ranked Templars. In truth, there was no place for his feelings here. He couldn't trust anyone, because one misplaced word would be the end of Kali's freedom. Worse, as soon as Knight-Commander Meredith learned who she was, the previous sentence of Tranquility would undoubtedly be carried out.

Cullen paced the length of his office, trying to reconcile the thoughts in his head. How could he let her be free while he relentlessly tracked other apostates? It seemed the Maker was still punishing him for his sins. The nightmares were relentless now, and he had barely slept in days. Her words still rang in his ears, you can't protect someone if they're dead. She was right, Maker, he knew she was right. Yet, he couldn't shake the fear that the events of Kinloch would repeat themselves. Maybe not in the same manner, but he would do whatever he had to in order to prevent another catastrophe.

"Knight-Captain?" someone knocked on his door.

"Yes?" Cullen was snapped back from his thoughts.

The door opened, "the Knight-Commander is requesting the weekly reports." It was Ser Thrask, a well-meaning man that had all the optimism Cullen seemed to have lost. Sensing Cullen's distress, "are you alright Ser?" he asked.

"Fine," Cullen said a little too quickly heading over to his disorganized desk. Thrask watched as Cullen searched for the weekly reports. The Knight-Captain was at his wit's end that much was clear to Thrask.

"Ser," Thrask began as Cullen finally found the papers, "I know this is an idiotic thought, but it looks to me that you could use a drink." Thrask held his breath, preparing for a reprimanding from his superior.

"Is it really that obvious?" Cullen asked calmly, surprising Thrask.

Thrask took the reports from Cullen, "give me five minutes to take these to the Knight-Commander." Before Cullen could voice his objections, Thrask was already out the door.

The sun was sinking fast as they left the Gallows and made their way to Lowtown. Thrask could tell Cullen was uncomfortable with the whole situation, but the man needed to get out of the Templar Hall. Spending too much time there could push someone over the edge, especially under the sort of pressure the Knight-Captain dealt with every day.

"Where are we going?" Cullen asked.

"The Hanged Man," Thrask informed him.

"Couldn't we just drink at the Knight's Tavern in Hightown?" Cullen hadn't been out in the city a whole lot during his time in Kirkwall.

"We could, if you want every word you speak heard by the worst possible people," Thrask could tell the Knight-Captain had never had to watch his words around anyone.

"And the Hanged Man is patroned by a nobler sort?" Cullen would think the seedy pub would be the last place to keep secrets.

"The Hanged Man provides a sort of haven to all who enter. You'd be surprised."

Cullen wondered how Thrask knew all of this, but decided it best not to ask questions. After all, Cullen had few enemies and even fewer friends in Kirkwall. He didn't want to pass up on a potential friend.

Thrask ordered a round of drinks for them and found a table in the back corner. The tavern wasn't particularly busy that night, but Cullen noted the wide variety of customers sitting throughout the establishment. Though mostly workers and Lowtown residents, Cullen spied some wealthy merchants, a couple city guardsmen, and even a few noblemen.

"So what keeps the Knight-Captain awake at night?" Thrask asked boldly.

Though surprised by his nerve, Cullen appreciated being spoken to more as equal instead of the normal dance of superiority and duty that plagued his day-to-day life. "It's Cullen," he replied, "might as well do away with the title here."

"Arnald," Thrask reintroduced himself. "Now that's taken care of, Cullen what's been eating at you?" Cullen wanted to trust the older Templar, but he didn't know where to start. Thrask caught on to Cullen's obvious unease. "Look," he said gently, "the life of a Templar is never easy. In my years of service I've learned that every once in a while you have to be able to put down the shield, so to speak."

Cullen took a drink, he was tired of hiding and he needn't tell Thrask every detail. "Well, there's this girl, well a woman."

"Ah, lady problems," Thrask laughed a bit before taking a drink. "The Captain has his eye on some lucky lass?"

"Um, yes. And no."

"Do you mind elaborating?" Thrask sat back in his chair.

"I knew her, from before I came to Kirkwall. I never though I would ever see her again, and I honestly tried to forget her. But then she just shows up again. She's living here in Kirkwall, she fled with other refugees escaping the Blight."

"Have you tried talking to her?" Thrask asked as he ordered another round of drinks.

"Yes," Cullen finished his first drink, "and that went really well."

Thrask caught on to his sarcasm. "We only have one life, Cullen. If you spend it running away from possible mistakes, you'll miss out on so much of the beauty the Maker has blessed us with. If you care about this girl, then go for it. Templars have that freedom after all." Thrask watched Cullen carefully as the young Templar considered his words. In his years as a Templar, Thrask had made many mistakes that would him thrown out at a moment's notice, especially under Knight-Commander Meredith. However, he did not regret a single thing he had done in his life. He saw a lot of himself in the young Knight-Captain.

"I don't think the Order would approve of such a relationship," Cullen admitted.

Before Thrask could question him further they were interrupted.

"Thrask!" Varric boomed. "It's good to see you got out of that prison! Who's your friend?" Varric played dumb, knowing very well it was the Knight-Captain that sat next to the Templar Knight.

"Ah, Varric," Thrask greeted, "this is Ser Cullen, a friend of mine in the Templars."

Cullen drank deeply. He didn't know Varric's game, but Thrask seemed to trust him. He smiled weakly at the dwarf in lieu of a proper greeting.

"Well, it's good to see ya. Do you mind if I sit down while I wait for my friends?" Varric didn't wait for their reply.

"By all means," Thrask invited him anyway.

"Maybe I should get going," Cullen started to make a move to get up.

"Nonsense, Curly," Varric came up with his nickname on the spot. "I got the next round. We're all friends here."

There was no way for Cullen to leave without insulting his new friend, so he sat back down and let Varric order the next round.

"It's too tight, Isabela," Kali cried as Isabela fastened her dress. "I can hardly breathe in this thing."

"Pain, is a thing of beauty," the pirate rogue informed her. "You want to look your best for your night out with Hawke, right?"

"I want to be able to breathe," Kali groaned.

"Well you look amazing, love."

Kali looked herself in the mirror, and she saw what Isabela was talking about. She did look nice. The black and green dress hugged her in all the right places. It was almost as the dress created a curved womanly form with her slender frame. Even her moderately sized breasts had gotten a boost. Silver thread embroidered through out the outfit gave it an elegance that the rest of Kali's wardrobe lacked.

"I don't know if this is a good idea," Kali worried.

"We've been over this," Isabela reminder her. "You have to give the man a chance, or you'll never sort yourself out."

"I know," Kali sat down.

"I would think a girl like you would be a bit more excited about going out with such a man as Hawke."

"Apparently, I'm not like other girls," Kali bemoaned. "I'm just a confused mess! Why can't things just be easy and straight forward like books?"

"Because people are people, and people aren't books," Isabela pointed out the obvious. "Ready for makeup?"

"Not really," Kali hated make up, but she had agreed to let Isabela dress her up this one time.

"Ready or not, here it comes," Isabela laughed, grabbing her things.

"You always seem so sure of yourself, Isabela. How do you do it?" Kali asked. The mage was always so indecisive. Watching Isabela take the world on with so much confidence was baffling to her. The pirate always seemed to know exactly what she wanted and how to get it. Kali, on the other hand, had a hard time deciding what she wanted for breakfast.

"Close your eyes," Isabela instructed as she picked up the eyeliner. "I'll let you in on a little secret. I'm almost never sure of what I'm doing."

"Really?" Kali asked surprised.

"Yep. Half the time I have no idea what I'm doing or what will happen. I just trust my gut and go with it. I just never let it show. If I did how would I ever get my crew to follow me? How could I expect people to have confidence in me, if it seemed I didn't have any confidence in myself?"

Kali thought about what she said. She had been so afraid of everything since leaving Kinloch. Afraid of being alone, of being discovered by the Templars, and of getting too close to anyone. She needed to be able to run at a moment's notice, and she didn't want to make anyone drop everything to go with her. At the same time, the loneliness was eating at her. She missed Cullen and being with him. After meeting with him, she finally understood that she was fooling herself if she thought they could ever be happy together. They were too different now, and Cullen's life as a Templar would only be jeopardized being with her.

It was time to move on, and Garrett was her chance to do so. Still, she couldn't decide whether or not she wanted to. Isabela was right though, she would never know what she wanted until she went and found out for herself. Sitting around moping wasn't going to fix anything.

"All done," Isabela declared, stepping aside so Kali could look at herself in the mirror. The mage almost didn't recognize herself. Isabela had expertly applied the makeup, covering Kali's scar and bringing out the hues in her eyes. As an elf, Kali's eyes were larger than humans, so Isabela had brought focus to them, but balanced it with the perfect shade of lip color.

While Kali admired Isabela's work, there was a knock on the door. "It's him!" Kali was admittedly a bit excited now.

"Well, answer the door," Isabela laughed.

Kali opened the door for Garrett, who was taken aback by Kali's appearance. "You look lovely," he said.

Kali smiled, "thank you."

"I do good work, don't I?" Isabela boasted as she slipped past Garrett onto the street. "Don't do anything I wouldn't do, you two," she called as she left them alone. The pair knew there was very little Isabela wouldn't do, and widely ignored the passing comment.

"Shall we go?" Garrett asked offering his arm.

"Of course," she said taking it. "What do you have in mind?"

"You'll see," he said cryptically. Though Kali suspected it had something to do with the large pack carried on his back.

He led her out of the city to the Wounded Coast. When the reached the top of a hill overlooking the Waking Sea, he took off his pack and took out its contents. The sun was sinking towards the horizon, with only about an hour of daylight left. Garrett set out a small blanket and took out a prepared meal for two. It was a simple meal of bread, meat and various cheeses. More of a snack, but Kali still thought it was nice.

Sitting down on the blanket, Garrett poured them each a cup of wine he had procured from the pack. Thanking him, Kali took a cup and drank. It was surprising lovely, Garrett had gotten the good stuff.

"This is really nice," Kali said taking a few bites of food.

"I thought it would be nice to get out of the city and not be chasing after bandits for once," Garrett joked.

Kali smiled, "yes. I'm glad we aren't fighting anyone this time."

They sat in silence for a moment, just watching the sun sink in the sky. Kali looked at Garrett while he examined the horizon. He was like Isabela, always so confident, so sure of himself. When an opportunity came his way, he always jumped for it. In the time she had known him, she had never seen him back down from getting what he wanted. Why then, would he want to be with her? The little elven mage who always looked to others to guide her and she still had yet to figure out who she was.

"Are you ready for the expedition?" Kali asked breaking the silence.

"I think I am," Garrett replied. "I wish you would come along."

"I know, but this is your adventure. Besides, Anders is the better choice to take along, being a Grey Warden and all." Kali pointed out and Garrett knew she was right. As a Grey Warden, Anders had the ability to sense darkspawn, a valuable skill in the darkspawn infested Deep Roads.

"Still, I'll miss you."

"I'm going to miss you too, Garrett." Kali leaned up against him, and Garrett put his arm around her as the sunset lit the sky aflame. "I'll still be here when you get back."

Garrett leaned in and kissed her, and this time Kali didn't pull away.

Cullen and Thrask stumbled out of the Hanged Man. The Templars slowly started making their way towards the Gallows. Unfortunately, walking home drunk was slow work and they had only managed to make it to the Lowtown market a half hour later. The market was completely deserted, and the two men stopped for a rest sitting on an empty crate.

"You're a good man Arnald," Cullen's speech was a little slurred. "I-I am not a good man."

"Nah! You can't belive, believe that," Thrask sputtered. "You're Knight-Regal, you have to be a good man to be that."

Somehow Cullen understood him, even in this state. "No, I've done bad things," Cullen didn't know why he was telling him such things, but he couldn't stop himself. "You, you know that girl I was talking bout earlier? Well, I love that woman!"

"That's great Ser Curly," Thrask laughed, "but that isn't… that is not a bad thing."

"But it's who she is that's bad," Maker, he couldn't stop himself.

Thrask's drunk mind was able to connect the dots, "she's a mage!" He knew he was right just by looking at Cullen, "you didn't… You did! You slept with her!"

"Shhhhh!" Cullen drunkenly tried to cover his mouth, "not so loud!"

"Hey, it's fine with me," Thrask said as he dug into his pocket. "You can trust me. See this?" he pulled out a small locket and opened it clumsily. Inside was a small portrait of a young girl, and a lock of hair. "This is my daughter, Olivia. She's older now, just turned nineteen."

"I didn't know you had a daughter." Cullen reeled himself in.

"No one does. She's… well, she's a mage and I have protected her from the Circles."

Cullen just stared at him dumbfounded. What he just told the Knight-Captain was enough for immediate dismissal from the order, as well as a warrant for his daughter. "Why are you telling me this?"

"Because there are things in this life that are much more important than the Order. Or at least what the Order has become. We, we shouldn't be fighting mages. We should just… work together. I don't know. These are just the ramblings of a drunk man." Thrask put the locket back into his robes. "I probably won't even remember tis tomorrow," he smiled.

"I hope not," Cullen said the words finally sinking in. "Come on, old man. We need to get back."

"Old man?" Thrask laughed as they got up and headed toward the Gallows.