Chapter Eighteen: Closure

By this point, Lightning was used to waking up in a daze. Ever since Caius began using that sleep charm on her, she realized that she slept more deeply and had a harder time waking up. Today was no exception, especially when she felt warmer inside and out than she had felt in a very long time. Peeking her eyes open, she wasn't surprised to see that Caius's arm was wrapped overtop hers that was over her stomach. She laid on her side and he laid on his behind her, with his chest pressed against her back. His hand was overtop hers, so she tiredly spread her fingers apart and allowed his to sink down so that they were between them. There. That was better.

As her fingers were laced with his, she realized that Caius was just as awake as she was. His thumb started to run over the back of her hand, which was gloved as always. At that instant, she wished that she had taken it off, just to feel him a little bit closer to her. She had been so tentative to admit it, but things were different now. Caius wasn't just a former enemy. He became her ally, then a friend. And now—

"Good morning," he murmured in her ear, interrupting her thoughts. He spoke as if waking up to being in his embrace was perfectly natural. It actually was becoming more and more normal, along with the bond that they somehow created recently.

"Good morning," Lightning muttered in return. Her eyes fell shut again as she remained where she was. She had no desire to move.

"Thank you."

"Huh?" she asked curiously. She tried to glance over at him without moving, but with their positions, it was impossible. And since she still didn't want to move, she just looked at the wall in front of her. "Why are you thanking me?"

"I'm giving thanks for your willingness to let me join you in that world. You really do trust me."

"Hmph," Lightning hummed with a small smirk. "Yeah, I guess that's pretty obvious by now."

"Your trust is not misplaced, Lightning."

"It's not," she agreed. Trusting Caius…It was indescribable. But indescribable in a good way. She hardly trusted anybody, and now she was trusting somebody who was after her heart. So, so strange… "Thanks to you too. I was glad to have you with me."

Though she couldn't see it, Caius smiled ever so slightly. "You're welcome," he said as he gently pressed his face against the back of Lightning's head.

The action caused feelings to arise in Lightning's heart—feelings that she wasn't sure if she was ready to confess to aloud or show any physical reaction to. But Caius did just get done telling her that emotions weren't something to run from. That was a lesson that she had to learn, because Lightning found her strength in being apathetic and discarding emotions. Claire, on the other hand… "Hey, Caius?" she said quietly after a few moments.

"Mm?"

"I haven't told you why I changed my name from Lightning to Claire, have I?"

Though the answer was obvious (she had never mentioned her past to him before), he humored her in the question instead of pointing out her poor choice in words. "No, but your dreams help give me an idea of why you changed," he responded honestly. "It happened that day after the bullies, didn't it?"

"Yeah. I know it doesn't really matter why I picked the name Lightning, but…" She sighed, rolling over onto her back so that she could look at Caius as she spoke. "To be perfectly honest, it's not something that I've shared with anyone. Just getting it out in the open would be good."

"Alright," he agreed understandingly. "Why did you choose 'Lightning' as your new name?"

"For one thing, I always had lightning fast reflexes. You saw that one in the memory where I punched out that bully in school."

A soft chuckle left his lips at the remembrance. "I must confess, it was very satisfying to see you hit him."

Slowly, a small smirk appeared on her lips as well. "Yeah, that was one of my prouder moments in life. Along with showing all the officers that I was Guardian Corps material."

"What other reasons do you have?"

"Do you remember that the day of my father's funeral was a rainy one?"

"Yes."

"Well, there was a lightning storm that day," she explained. "The lightning in the sky, snapping suddenly and violently, was the same as my anger. Only I kept my anger bottled up inside of me all those years, until I punched the bully. I became lightning itself—violent, angry, and ready to lash out at anything and not be afraid to admit to it."

"There was something that you once said before," he remembered. "To Hope Estheim…"

At that, she nodded and glanced away. "I told him that lightning flashed bright, then faded away. It only had the power to destroy. And that's what I am. I only destroy, Caius. I'm a flash in one moment, clear as day, and then I'm gone. All that lingers where I've been is destruction."

"That's not true," he whispered. When she refused to look over at him, he insisted that she did. "Look at me, please." Lightning turned her head to look over at him, and once again, he could tell that she was keeping her emotions within her. She was still afraid to release them, but that was alright. This change would take time. "You've done the opposite of destruction with me. You saved me from being destruction. You've redeemed me. Others in life will also tell you that you have changed them for the better. That is not demolition."

"You know," she said quietly after a few moments. "I told Hope to call me 'Light' instead of 'Lightning' shortly into our journey together. It was a softer side of me—a young woman who was still tough but willing to at least associate herself with another person. I really found another identity in each of the names that I've had. Claire, Lightning, and Light. It's like they're all different people…" Lightning laughed bitterly, staring up at the ceiling. "I'm really messed up."

"No more messed up than I am," he assured her with a gentle chuckle. "I wanted to destroy all things for the sake of one soul. I was insane to think the exchange was worth it. I should have found another way to save Yeul."

"Guess we were both a little insane in the past, huh?" she said with a faint smile.

"I'm not entirely sure that I'm sane, with what has been churning in my heart lately."

Lightning knew what he was referring to—It was obvious. He was referring to his feelings for her. "One insanity problem at a time, Caius," she requested gently. "I still need to cope with my two alter egos."

"Two? Don't you mean three?"

"No," she said with a small shake of her head. "Only two. Lightning and Light. Claire died a long time ago to me."

"Why is that?"

"I'll show you." Finally, Lightning took her hand away from Caius's and sat up on the bed. Though she could feel his curious eyes boring on her as he also moved into an upright position, she only pushed herself off the bed and walked over to her dresser at the other side of the bedroom. Her body blocked Caius's view of what she was doing, but she honestly didn't care if he saw what she was doing or not. It wasn't as if they were ever going to come back to this place again. That was what she assumed anyway.

Back on topic, Lightning opened the top drawer and reached underneath a pile of clothes. She pulled out an item that she hadn't looked at since she was fifteen years old: a journal.

The journal only had one entry in it from her. One that she wrote within the same week as her name change. She cleared her throat as she turned to the page, preparing herself for the pain that the words would bring to her. Still, she knew she needed this out in the open. Somebody needed to understand her.

"Now you know why I picked the name Lightning" she read, skipping to the middle paragraph and not bothering with the first one or two that explained exactly what she said to Caius a minute ago. "I've already decided that Lightning is immensely different than Claire was. Lightning is fearless. She can face anything that comes her way. She shows no pain, so nobody takes advantage of her vulnerability. If anyone crosses her, she makes them regret it. Lightning is what Claire never was. Lightning is strong.

"Claire was never strong like Lightning is. Claire felt sorrow and fear every waking moment of every day. Terror overwhelmed her when she thought about life without the ones that she loved. First Dad, then Rose, and then Mom. Lightning doesn't dwell on that. Lightning tells herself that the past is done with and there's no point reflecting on the pain it brought. She was in charge now, and she would do whatever needed to be done in order to protect the one treasure she had left: Serah.

"Do I wish that things were different? Yeah, I do. I've lost the good attributes that Claire had when I changed into Lightning. Claire was able to face the sorrow and wear a smile in hopes that the sun would come out the next day, but Lightning doesn't have that happiness. Happiness eludes me now. Nevertheless, here I am. That girl Claire doesn't matter now. Only the future matters. Pain isn't something I feel anymore. I feel nothing. Compared to the grief I've felt all throughout life, apathy is so much better. For that reason, I'm happy to exchange Claire's happiness and suffering for total apathy.

"I am Lightning. That is all I ever can and will be. And that's that."

That was all that she had written in the journal. That was what she kept bottled up for years now. She sighed and lowered the booklet to her side, staring down at the ground with half open eyes. She purposely got rid of the girl Claire and became a new person, because the grief wasn't so violent and terrifying. Claire wouldn't have run away from her problems like that, but Lightning did. Ever since Lightning came into existence, that was what she did. She ran.

From his spot on the edge of the bed, Caius was squinting at a part of the book. "What is that symbol in the lower corner of the page?" he asked.

"What symbol?" Lightning asked in return, though she didn't wait for an answer. She lifted the journal and looked for herself. There, in the bottom right corner, was a cat symbol. Serah's favorite thing to doodle when she was a young teenager. Serah, she thought with wide eyes, seeing the arrow that was drawn beneath that cat to signal that she was supposed to turn to the next page.

Her fingers couldn't move quickly enough. The normally composed Lightning fumbled with the corner of the book for a second or two before she was finally able to grasp it and turn the page.

Much to her shock, there was a note written in Serah's hand writing in response to Lightning's journal entry.

"Hey Lightning, sorry I found your journal; I was looking for something and stumbled upon it. I hope you're not too mad at me for reading it, and shedding a few tears over it (if you find this soon enough after I've written this in, you'll probably notice a few tear drops that wet the pages). I'm sorry in advance for snooping. But I'm more sorry I didn't do it sooner.

"I can't believe I'm finding this four years after you changed your name. I can't believe that I didn't figure out sooner why you changed your name. I had a feeling it was something like this, but I didn't know the full extent of your suffering. Lightning, you haven't lost Claire completely. Don't you see? You're still my sister. Claire loved me and did everything she could for me. You share the same devotion. You always were determined, strong, and standing tall. I guess your definitions changed for what you view as strong though. It's okay. I know emotions can sometimes make you feel weak, because emotions make you lose motivation or whatever so quickly.

"What I'm trying to say is that you haven't lost yourself completely. You still are Claire as much as you're Lightning. Your name doesn't have to define you. Why do Claire and Lightning need to be two different people? Why can't you blend Claire's hope and happiness with Lightning's ability to face the task at hand? I know it's hard, because becoming Claire and having hope means you're vulnerable to being disappointed when things go wrong. But trust me—having hope and being disappointed is much better than feeling nothing but anger the rest of your life. I've been there too. I was angry at the world for letting us suffer so much, and at mom for grieving so harshly and forcing you to become a parent to me and Rose. But you yourself convinced me not to be apathetic. You kept moving forward, knowing pain but choosing to hope for a better future. You're great, sis. You always have been.

"I love you. If you ever find this note and want to talk to me about all this stuff you have buried, you know where I am. And if you want to act like you didn't read this, that's okay too. I know that someday, you'll regain the hope and happiness that you used to have.

Love,

Serah"

Lightning's eyes danced over the writing once she was done reading, though she wasn't specifically taking in the words again. One read through was enough for the message to sink through. No, she was really staring at it because this was a piece of Serah. A connection to her sister that she never even knew existed. Serah had actually understood what Lightning experienced. And she, wise beyond her years, had a possible solution to Lightning's current problem. "Serah," she whispered, pulling the journal close to her heart.

"Serah?"

She turned her head to the side of the room, seeing the man that she had nearly forgotten about standing by the foot of the bed now. "She found my journal," she told Caius in a voice full of emotion. "She found it and responded to my concerns."

Caius studied her, staying where he was as the faintest sign of a smile appeared on his lips. "It appears that this has given you some kind of closure," he said, as quick witted as ever. Even without reading the letter, he could see Lightning's expression and study how much this meant to her.

"Here," Lightning said, walking over to him and handing him the notebook. "You can read it."

"Are you certain?" he asked as he stared into her eyes.

"Yeah. I just…I need a minute. I'll be right back."

"Take as much time as you need," Caius said. He accepted the book out of Lightning's hands, but waited for her to walk out of the room before he took it and read.

In the mean time, Lightning had a specific destination that she was heading to. She wasn't just leaving the room for a moment of privacy; she was leaving because she needed to go to Serah's room. Not to look for something—She just needed to be in the presence of all of her sister's belongings.

Lightning stepped into the room down the hall, seeing that it was as Serah left it. This time period was right after the Purge, so Serah was long gone by now. So was Lightning for that matter; she could have even been to Gran Pulse by now. The point was, her past self wasn't here for her to warn about the future. There was no changing this reality, not when it concerned the past. But the future, that was hers to shape.

She sat down on Serah's bed, just fingering the bedding gently as she was lost to her thoughts. All that was left of Serah now were her material possessions. That, and the memory of who she was. Serah would always rest within Lightning's heart, whether she was alive or not. She was her sister. The one who always had faith in her, and the one who always supported Lightning in subtle ways. She didn't promote a life of apathy, yet she supported Lightning as she lived that way.

"I can't believe how wise you were," she murmured into the empty air. "You must have been seventeen when you found that journal. Yet you knew exactly how to respond to it."

Of course Serah knew what to say. She always did. But she kept it to herself until the time was right. In this case, she left it in the journal for Lightning to find. Because if Lightning was really ready to make a change, she'd probably look back in the journal to see where she stood in the past. Serah showed her brilliance once again.

"Serah," she found herself whispering yet again. I'm so sorry. And I miss you terribly. Lightning slowly laid herself down on her sister's bed, grabbing a spare pillow and wrapping it in her arms around it. Her face was buried into that pillow as soon as it was close enough to her face, and she couldn't help but inhale the scent of it. It smelled like Serah's strawberry shampoo, even after all this time. The sheets were soft beneath her body, inviting her to comfort. She was surrounded by Serah again. Serah was all around her, comforting her and silently telling her that all was well. That it was okay just to stay here a little longer…

Just a little longer, then, Lightning thought as her eyes slowly fell shut. A little longer, and then we'll move on.

Before she even realized what was happening, she had drifted into a dreamless slumber.

*…*…*…*…*…*

Caius took the time to read both of the journals left in Lightning's journal, though he reflected a lot on Serah's writing. "What did I do?" he whispered to himself, staring up at the ceiling. Whenever he encountered Serah and Noel, he always focused his attention on the former because he viewed her as weaker. Maybe she did not possess the same physical strength as people like Noel and Lightning, but mentally she was so strong. She possessed so much wisdom for her young age…So much care for her sister.

I tried so hard to kill her, simply because she was in my way, he thought silently. I nearly killed an incredible person. The world was devoid of her anyway now, but it wasn't because of him. It was because of Aveiara—Etro. The goddess never cared for those she gave her eyes to. She gave her eyes to Yeul to drive Caius to madness, and she gave the eyes to Serah to further torture Lightning. She was so wicked…She would pay for destroying two people with beautiful souls. And she would pay dearly for trying to destroy Lightning.

Lightning. It had been quite a few minutes since she walked out of her bedroom for some privacy. Caius thought it was best to go check on her, just to be certain that she was alright. She hadn't appeared distraught when she left; in fact, she looked relieved to have some connection to Serah again. That was why he guessed that she was in Serah's room. He hadn't been to the room before, but he walked down the hall in that direction by luck. The open door to his right invited him in, and that was when he saw Lightning lying on the bed and facing away from him.

"Lightning?" he asked in surprise, walking over to the bed quickly. He leaned over her sleeping figure, seeing the face that he hadn't been able to see before. Sure enough, she was asleep. I thought you weren't overly exhausted though, he thought as he studied her. But you collapsed here. Why?

But after a few moments, he chased away his thoughts of suspicion. Lightning had been exhausted lately, so if she wanted to pass out again, that was perfectly natural.

Yet she looked peaceful. How was that possible when she was cursed by Etro to hear the screams of the dead every time that she fell asleep? There was no way that she could have broken that curse; the only way to ensure her freedom was to kill Etro herself. Only then would the curse be lifted.

"Something is amiss," he muttered with furrowed eyebrows. Caius leaned over the sleeping girl, staring down at her. "Lightning," he called, only to get no response. He set a hand on her upper arm, shaking her ever so slightly. "Lightning."

Still nothing. An enchanted sleep? he wondered But why? If it is an enchanted sleep, it's caused by Etro. What could she gain out of this?

A blaring alarm sounded throughout the house. He grunted, looking around. That must have been the alarm that Lightning set up while they were staying here, to keep them safe. Something or somebody else was present here.

Instinctively, he lifted his arm behind his back as he stood himself upright. His weapon had been left in the other room. Did he dare retrieve it? Did he dare to leave Lightning by herself for a few moments? He really had no choice. If he carried her with him and they were attacked, they were in worse trouble than ever before. Her room was less than thirty feet away…He could make it there and back very quickly. What could somebody do in ten seconds anyway? Other than…Deal a lethal blow.

Still, no choice. He glanced down at Lightning one more time before he made his way to the door, cautiously peeking his head out so that he could look into the hallway. There were no threats at the other end of the hall, but to his left towards Lightning's room—

A figure, clouded in darkness. Standing in darkness that was teeming up around her short figure. Yet he recognized the figure clearly. "Yeul."

"Caius," Yeul whispered with eyes full of sadness.

"You're an illusion," he grunted, stepping outside into the hallway completely. "It's a lie…"

"For now," she agreed sadly. "But Caius…I'm not gone yet. I'm still alive somewhere."

"It's a lie," he repeated. "Etro killed you permanently. She wiped you out of existence."

"And she can also bring me back," Yeul assured him. "We can be together again, Caius…"

"Lies!"

Even if Caius lost his temper with Yeul, she showed no signs of anger or frustration. Instead, she only smiled softly. "I know you don't believe that completely," she said gently. "I see it in your eyes. If there's a way to get me back, don't you at least want to look into it?"

Is she speaking the truth? he wondered. It's very unlikely. If there were a way to bring Yeul back, it most likely involves doing some bidding of Etro. That is not something that I intend to do so readily.

And yet…

Yet there is an even smaller chance that Etro could ask me to do something that favors both of us. A near impossibility. But a possibility nonetheless.

Hesitantly, Caius looked back at Yeul to see her outstretched hand. She was silently calling to him, telling him to come with her to see what he could do to resurrect her. If he went with her now, there was no telling what could happen. But if he didn't, he knew what would happen. Yeul would remain dead.

He had a decision to make.

*…*…*…*…*…*

Friends, I missed you! It's great to be back and able to update again. Hope you appreciated the new chapter, and you're not too angry about the cliffhanger ;3

-puu26: Thanks for joining the story! Glad to have you aboard. (:

Hana-chan98- Don't worry about it, I know how annoying exams are. Good luck with them! As for the arrow to the knee joke, I had to look it up myself. Apparently in Skyrim, you can talk to a lot of people and they always say something like: "I was once an adventurer myself, then I took an arrow to the knee." Totally random, but somehow hilarious!

Ballad Jr: There's actually nothing personal about the back story xD I haven't lost any family members, and I have great relationships with my parents. But hey, if it's up to the caliber where you think it's personal, that's terrific for me! xD

MaroonAngel of Darkness: Hm…Lightning's dad being a friend of Amador? That's an interesting idea. Perhaps one day I'll write a oneshot with that scenario (:

That's all for today, everyone have a good day!

Peanut