Revised: 13/8/2012

Scene 11

Butler, Holly, Artemis, Mulch and Foaly are tying Tanith, Valkyrie and Skulduggery to chairs with steel ropes. Tanith, Valkyrie and Skulduggery start to wake up.

VALKYRIE: Wow, a centaur! That's awesome! (Looks at Skulduggery accusingly) Why didn't you tell me these exist?

SKULDUGGERY: (in his sleep) Valkywie, Valkywie, save me...

TANITH: (whistles 'love is in the air')

VALKYRIE: (snickers)

SKULDUGGERY: (Skulduggery wakes up.) What's the joke?

TANITH: You were sleep-talking.

VALKYRIE: (imitates Skulduggery) Valkywie, Valkywie, save me, the skeletons will get me (bursts out laughing)

SKULDUGGERY: (Looks around) I'm just going to ignore you.

Skulduggery sees the people from the Artemis Fowl books.

SKULDUGGERY: Who are you people?

MULCH: Who are you?

SKULDUGGERY: (turns to the others) Should we tell the truth?

VALKYRIE: Depends how far into the truth you'll go.

SKULDUGGERY: Can you give a straight answer for once?

VALKYRIE: Can you?

SKULDUGGERY: That's me, not you and I am special.

VALKYRIE: I got it off you.

HOLLY: (scowl) Can you guys go back to sleep?

SKULDUGGERY: Not willingly.

ARTEMIS: Good, because we need to question you.

TANITH: (Pretends to be asleep)

ARTEMIS: Why did you kidnap Holly?

VALKYRIE: Who's Holly?

HOLLY: (steps forward) me.

VALKYRIE: Oh.

ARTEMIS: Why did you kidnap Holly?

SKULDUGGERY: (impatiently) She was trying to break into the Midnight Hotel.

FOALY: What's the Midnight Hotel?

VALKYRIE: (sighs shaking head sadly) not again.

SKULDUGGERY: It's…. a pink floating castle.

FOALY: (Sceptically) Really?

SKULDUGGERY: Of course not!

FOALY: Well then what is it?

SKULDUGGERY: A hotel.

ARTEMIS: He's not going to tell you.

SKULDUGGERY: He's right.

ARTEMIS: (steps forward again) Why did you kidnap Holly?

VALKYRIE: (mutters) Back to square one.

ARTEMIS: Actually, square zero. Who are you?

SKULDUGGERY: Skulduggery.

PIXIE: (runs in) Captain Short, Captain Short! Come quickly, there's a message from Atlantis!

Holly leaves.

SKULDUGGERY: Isn't she a bit young to be in the police force?

MULCH: She's older than you, Skull-pluggery.

SKULDUGGERY: Oh really? (raises an eyebrow) and I will get you back for the skull-pluggery comment.

VALKYRIE: Don't be ridiculous! She's barely twenty!

FOALY: That's what you think.

VALKYRIE: How old is she then?

MULCH: Eight-

ARTEMIS: (interrupts) shut up Mulch.

VALKYRIE: Holly is eight? That's way too young!

MULCH: She's eighty four, not eight!

Artemis, Foaly and Butler glare at Mulch.

MULCH: Well she is!

BUTLER: They weren't supposed to know!

MULCH: Oops...

VALKYRIE: How can she be that old? She's practically a child!

ARTEMIS: We'll answer your questions if you'll answer ours!

TANITH: Ask them first!

ARTEMIS: What are your names and why did you kidnap Holly?

TANITH: I'm Tanith, and this is Valkyrie. Now who are you?

ARTEMIS: I am Artemis Fowl, and this is Mulch Diggums and Butler.

SKULDUGGERY: We've already told you why we kidnapped Holly! She was trying to break into the Midnight Hotel!

ARTEMIS: And what is the Midnight hotel?

VALKYRIE: It's a hotel! Seriously! Where are we?

ARTEMIS: That question is off-limits.

VALKYRIE: Fine. What are you?

ARTEMIS: I am a criminal mastermind, he, (points to Mulch), is a small human being, and Butler is my bodyguard. What are you?

VALKYRIE: I am also a human being. And he sure is small.

SKULDUGGERY: A detective…

TANITH: I am a professional trouble-maker.

ARTEMIS: That's sort of what I am too.

VALKYRIE: Wow, if Tanith didn't like Ghastly, you two could be a couple.

Artemis ignores her.

MULCH: Wow. Does that mean I can tease you about Holly now?

ARTEMIS: Shut up.

MULCH:

(singing)

Holly and Artemis, sitting in the past,

K – I – S – S … Uh, what rhymes with past?

FOALY: You're lucky Holly isn't here or you'd find yourself on the way to the moon.

MULCH: Can she really do that?

FOALY: (boastfully) only with my help.

SKULDUGGERY: How would he find himself on the moon? (Cocks head to side)

ARTEMIS: There's a lot of ways that could happen.

TANITH: Well, you could levitate him, send him on a rocket, launch him from cannon, or you could kick him really hard.

FOALY: The first and last are impossible, and maybe the third one too.

TANITH: (shrugs) If you say so.

FOALY: (walks away muttering) that's a good idea, a cannon to launch Mulch to the moon...

TANITH: (laughs) that was a joke.

MULCH: Hey, love-birds, we're supposed to be questioning each other.

TANITH: (threateningly) Who are you calling love-birds?

VALKYRIE: (smiles dryly) I'm warning you, don't upset her.

MULCH: (backs up) Hey, no offence meant, no offence meant.

TANITH: (vampire smile) Better not be.

MULCH: (shudders at the vampire-ness of her smile.)

VALKYRIE: Hey, Arty-boy, just what is going on here?

ARTEMIS: (scowl) don't call me Arty, it's Artemis.

TANITH: but honestly what is going on here?

ARTEMIS: You kidnapped Holly so we kidnapped you to ask why.

VALKYRIE: So what now? I'm bored.

Holly bursts through the door.

HOLLY: Where's Foaly?

ARTEMIS: (concerned) What's wrong?

VALKYRIE: He's inventing a cannon that can blow Mulch to the moon.

HOLLY: (snappish) shut up girl. (To Artemis {distressed}) I've been named temporary Commander. Opal has killed Commander Kelp.

MULCH: What?! I'm doomed.

TANITH: You sure are, horsey gonna blow you to the moon.

HOLLY: (shocked out of worrying) …Why?

VALKYRIE:

He was saying stuff about you and Arty-boy here. In fact, his exact words were:
(singing)

Holly and Artemis sitting in the past,

K – I – S – S

And then he stopped.

HOLLY: (turns to Mulch) you said what?!

MULCH: Actually, I didn't say what. I said what she said I said.

HOLLY: (calls out) Foaly, have you invented that cannon yet?

FOALY: Working on it Captain.

HOLLY: That's Commander to you.

FOALY: (Rushes out) what? You're Commander? But what about Commander Kelp?

HOLLY: (Looks down in sadness) temporary Commander. Commander Kelp is dead. Opal Koboi killed him.

FOALY: (Hangs his head as well) Trouble was a good man, a good man.

HOLLY: And now we have to find Opal. She's escaped from prison.

MULCH: Do you need my wonderful talents?

HOLLY: (scowl) of annoyingness? No. Of digging skills? Maybe. Of farting? Definitely not.

MULCH: Be kind to the behind.

FOALY: (sarcastically) How charming. Rhymes about butts.

Mulch, Foaly and Holly walk out the door. Remembering that they have prisoners, Artemis stays behind.

SKULDUGGERY: What about us?

ARTEMIS: What about you?

VALKYRIE: You can't just leave us here.

ARTEMIS: Technically I can.

VALKYRIE: You sound like Skulduggery.

SKULDUGGERY: I'm not sure if that's a compliment or an insult.

ARTEMIS: I'm not entirely sure either.

SKULDUGGERY: If he sounded like me that would be a compliment to him, because I am so great, but if I sounded like him, then it would be an insult to me because I like sounding like myself.

VALKYRIE: And again, can you ever give a straight answer?

SKULDUGGERY: Maybe.

ARTEMIS: Stop doing that!

SKULDUGGERY: My sincerest apologies.

VALKYRIE: He doesn't mean it.

TANITH: She's probably right.

ARTEMIS: (sigh)