Author's Note: Sorry I missed last weeks update guys. I've been struggling to get this chapter right. I'm still not entirely pleased with it, but I don't know how to fix it and it has does everything I want it to do, so I'm posting it as is and I'll leave it for you to decide.
Big -A reveal tonight. Who's excited? I can't wait. I have my theories on who I think it is. Anyone care to wager before the episode airs?
Guest Yeah, Hannah was just being a good friend, supportive but cautions. She's got Emily's back, but wants to make sure she knows what she's getting herself into. And Pam is slowly coming around, she's got a ways to go but she's getting there.
jhas I think that mother and daughter will be fine if they meet somewhere in the middle. Emily needs to be patient and Pam needs to adjust her thinking so she's more understanding. It's a process, but they'll get there. And Paily will be great, but they'll have their bumps along the way. I'm glad that you trust me. I know that it's hard, as a reader, to have faith that a writer isn't just screwing with the characters because they can, but I have no intention of doing that. I ship Paily as much as the rest of you guys so I want them to have their happily ever after.
ren-mccullers I'm glad to hear that. :) Yeah, there aren't a lot of fics that show the evolution of Pam and Emily's relationship, so I wanted to get into that here.
CarmellaD'Winter Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed it. I wanted to show the duality of similar concerns, how just the tone of the question can change the direction of the conversation.
Guest Thank you.
take-everything-and-more I'm sorry if I struck a nerve. But I'm glad that you found the conversation realistic. Pam is trying, but she's not there yet. She's still a bit frustrating at times. But she'll get there. :) The funny thing is, high school texting is not always all that different than adult texting. Yes, Hannah is wiser than she gets credit for, I think. And, the sneaking around will take it's toll, but they'll work it out.
ponderhouse Thank you. I'm glad that you enjoyed the chapter. And that you found it real and relatable. I'm going for an honest evolution of their relationship, It's going to be a struggle to get them to a good place but they'll get there.
Hazeleyesofgrey Uncomplicated and sweet. Exactly what I was going for. :) I like reading angsty stories, but I'm not very good at writing them, so I tend to stick with realism an emotion, because I'm pretty good at that. With a heavy amount of fluff mixed in. I'm glad that I could get you interested in the other dynamics going on, not just Paige and Emily.
lol. Are you enjoying the binge reading? I never actually shipped Catherine and Sara when they were both on CSI, but it seemed like just an interesting pairing, I had to try. I had some trouble making it work though.
jace24 Well, happy reading then I guess. Sometimes it can be fun to have a few chapters to read at a time. I like Paige as the agressor too, I feel like she's so restrained all the time that for once she just needed to let loose and go after what she wanted, in this case, Emily. I'm glad you liked all the fluffy, flirty stuff. It literally just writes itself. I don't even have to try. No, the hiding is not going to be easy, but I think they can withstand it. And, having support, especially for Paige, is so important. I'm glaad your're enjoying it. And, I have no intention of ending it any time soon. There's a lot in store for these two.
Shananigan I'm glad you enjoyed the conversations. :)
Guest Thank you.
Guest. Thanks.
Chapter 17
Even though Emily didn't have practice that morning, she still found herself awake at the crack of dawn. She lay in bed, staring at the silently mocking glow of her alarm clock as it slowly counted down the minutes and listened to the sound of silence of the still house around her. Even her mother was not up yet.. But Emily was wide awake. And restless. Her body was telling her that it was time to get up, to get moving. She tried to ignore the sensation, she closed her eyes and slowed her breathing, taking several long, deep breaths but despite her calming efforts, her mind was racing a mile a minute.
Her first thought up on waking had been of Paige. She knew that's why she was awake so early this morning, because the sooner she got to school today, the sooner she would get to see the other girl. Last night played over and over again in her mind. She was fairly certain that it had seeped into her dreams. She couldn't recall any specifics but she was left feeling that same combination of warmth, affection and arousal that had flowed through her all yesterday. For most of the week, if she was being completely honest.
On instinct, she reached for her phone, had it in her hand and was ready to hit the call button when she realized what time it was. The rest of the world wasn't up yet. And calling Paige at this hour likely wouldn't endear her to the other girl. With a sigh she put her phone down, only to pick it up again a moment later. Unable to prevent herself she tapped out a quick text. Goodmorning, followed by XO, and hit send. She held her phone for a long moment, expectantly awaiting a reply before shaking her head at herself. Paige would read the text when she woke up and she would reply when she got the chance. Despite having to wait for further contact with the other girl, Emily couldn't help but smile at the thought that her text would be on Paige's phone to greet her first thing when she woke up.
It was enough to let her put her phone back down onto her nightstand and roll out of bed. If she was up, she might as well get started on her day. Moving quietly she made her way downstairs to the kitchen, where, after a moment's indecision she started making breakfast for herself and her mother.
She might not enjoy cooking the way her mother did, but she'd spent enough time in the kitchen with her to aquire the requisite skills to make a couple of dishes. Pancakes, from scratch, being one of them. She felt like it was the least she could do, in return for all of those mornings when her mother got up early to feed her and then drive her to early morning practice.
She had just finished cutting up a small bowl of fruit and was about to start plating the first stack of pancakes when her mother padded into the room, rubbing at her eyes and blinking owlishly.
"Am I dreaming?" she teased as she shuffled past Emily towards the coffee pot. "Or did I wake up in the wrong house?"
"Ha-ha." Emily rolled her eyes and handed a mug to her mother, who accepted it with a small smile before making her way over to the table and settling in.
"What's got you up so early this morning? You don't have a pratice I've forgotten about, do you?" Her mom frowned as her gaze flicked over to the calender on the fridge, double checking their schedules.
"No, Mom. No practice," Emily said, but hesitated before explaining anything wasn't sure she could admit to her mother that she was so eager to see Paige. That she couldn't sleep any longer because her thoughts were consumed by the other girl. That she couldn't wait to get to school today just so she could see her face, talk to her, if they were lucky and could find a moment or two away from the crowds, maybe kiss her and hold her. But, she still needed some kind of explaination. She cast about for something plausible.
"I'm going for a run with Spencer this morning," she blurted, wincing even as she said it, because now she would actually have to go for a run with Spencer. Her friend had suggested it yesterday and Emily had turned her down, citing the early hour as her reason for not going when really it was because she just didn't want to. Unless it was perscribed by her coach as part of her training, Emily avoided it. She supposed it would be good for her, might help her burn off some of this restless energy.
Her mom frowned at her for a moment. Emily knew her mom was well aware of her aversion to running.. She was also well are of Spencer's dogged persistance, so it probably much of a stretch for her to believe that Emily had simply been worn down into agreeing.
"All right, honey. Have fun." The small smirk playing on her lips told Emily that she knew just how unlikely that would be.
"Thanks, Mom." She rolled her eyes and dug into her own breakfast.
They ate in comfortable silence, with Emily finishing first. She rinsed her plate and stowed them in the dishwasher, along with the bowls and pans she'd used, before heading upstairs to get ready. She would shower at Spencer's after their run, so she didn't have to worry about that. Instead she headed straight to her room to gather her things. Her first stop, was her phone. She slid her thumb across the screen, unlocking it, and let out a soft sigh when she saw that she had no unread messages.
Shaking the feeling off she tucked it into the front pocket of her duffel bag before packing an outfit for school and then pulling on an outfit to work out in. She pulled her hair back into a tight ponytail, slipped on her shoes, and was ready to go.
She detoured through the kitchen for a bananna and a quick kiss to her mother's cheek and was out the door. Her phone buzzed from the pocket of her duffel bag just as Emily reached the edge of the driveway. She slowed her steps and fumbled with the bag, trying to get a handle on the zipper. The phone stopped buzzing before she managed to pull it out, but when she unlocked it she saw that she had not missed a call, but rather had received a text. A smile formed before she even saw who it was from and blossomed when it was confirmed that it was in fact Paige who had texted. Feeling giddy she tapped the screen, opening the message. Goodmorning, followed by a happy face emoticon, a couple x's and o's and, her heart stopped when she laid eyes on the small heart.
She was still processing the first text when another came through. You're up early this morning.
Couldn't sleep.
Everything okay?
Fine. Just, couldn't wait to get to school to see you. She tapped out the response without even thinking about it then hesitated, debating whether to delete it and type something else. Her thumbs hovered over the keypad before she took a deep breath and hit send.
Her pulse pounded loudly in her ears as she awaited Paige's response. Her phone buzzed and she jumped, her grip fumbling. Biting her lip she cast her eyes down to the screen.
She released the breath she'd been holding when she saw a hugely grinning emoticon. Me too The message popped up a second later.
Emily's heart skipped in her chest and she grinned widely down at the screen, giddyness filling her up, making her feel light, like she could just float away.
Before she could reply, her phone buzzed and another message popped up. I'm sorry. I have to go. Followed by a frowning face. Mom's glaring at me for texting at the table.
Boo Emily followed her message with a frowning face of her own, even though she was almost at Spencer's and would have to put her phone aside in a minute or two anyway. See you at school later.
Can't wait. XO
Emily stared down at that last message as she turned the corner and made her way up the street, only tearing her gaze away from it when she had to tuck her phone back into her bag so she could unlock the gate and let herself onto the Hasting's property.
Her run with Spencer and then coffee with the girls at The Brew kept Emily distracted for rest of the morning. Until she set foot on the school grounds, at least. Immediately she began searching the crowd for Paige. She of the other girl's bike chained to the racks in front of the school but didn't see Paige herself as the four of them made their way inside. She kept up her search as they roamed the halls, stopping at each of their lockers to collect their books before heading to the cafeteria to get another round of caffeine for Spencer, and a muffin for Hannah who was now complaining of hunger, despite declining anything to eat less than twenty minutes ago at The Brew.
She finally laid eyes on her as they turned the corner on the way from Aria's locker. Paige and two of her friends were heading down the hallway in the opposite direction. Emily's heart stuttered a beat before picking up it's pace and the smile that tugged at her lips was automatic as she took in the sight of the other girl walking towards her. Paige hadn't noticed her yet, she was deep in conversation with the girls walking beside her, a smile playing at her lips as she turned first one way then the other to address them. Emily took the opportunity to let her eyes wander over her, unnoticed. She looked good. Her jeans sat low on hips, hugging her curves in a way that was probably suggestive only to Emily, but complimentary all the same. Her t-shirt hung loosely on her frame, the flowing material doing nothing to hide the fact that she had a rocking body. The asymetical cut of the shirt left one shoulder exposed, offering a peek at her bra strap and an enticing expanse of smooth, unmarred skin. Emily bit her lip as her thoughts were flooded with a barrage of images revolving around kissing that shoulder, working her way up Paige's neck.
As if sensing her thoughts, or perhaps, feeling the intensity of Emily's stare, Paige glanced up at that moment. Their eyes met. A faint blush colored Paige's cheeks and her steps faltered. Emily felt her smile grow wider as the distance between them lessened.
"What the hell?" Hannah's words echoed Emily's thoughts as Paige ducked into the ladies room, her friends trailing in behind her.
"I thought you said that things went well last night," Aria said as the others came to a stop around Emily, who was frozen in place, staring at the bathroom door as it swung closed in Paige's wake.
"They did."
Emily's struggle to understand what had just happened was interrupted by the buzz of her phone in her pocket. Reaching down to pull it out was an automatic reaction, she wasn't even aware that she was doing it until she had the phone in her hand and was reading a text from Paige. Sorry. I panicked. Please don't be mad.
She had to read it a couple times before she could really process the words.
"Are you?" Ara asked softly "Mad?"
She glanced up to find that her friends were all staring at her, awaiting a response, or a reaction. She sighed and tried to figure out what she was feeling.
"No, not mad," she said slowly. They had known that it was going to be hard, not being able to acknowledge that they were together in public. And Emily had tried to prepare herself for the possibility that Paige might freak out a little. She just hadn't realized how much it would sting when she did."It just hurts a little more than I thought it would," she admitted. "Even though I know how Paige feels about me it's like we've gone backwards, avoiding eye contact, ducking each other in the halls."
Aria reached out and rubbed her back, soothing circles up and down suddenly tense muscles. She let out a breath and sagged into the touch.
"That sucks, Em." Hannah added her own support with an arm wrapped around her waist.
"Very succinct, Han." For once, Spencer wasn't mocking. She nodded her agreement to Hannah's words and squeezed Emily's arm.
Emily was greatful for her friend's support and comfort, but it didn't really do much to actually make her feel better.
"Are you going to tell Paige that?" Spencer's question reminded Emily about the phone in her hand and the fact that Paige was probably similarly clutching to her own, waiting for a reply.
"It's something we're going to have to talk about." She wasn't going to start that conversation over text thought. For the moment she would worry about assuaging Paige's fears.
I'm not mad, she texted, hitting send immediately before debating her follow up. . Probably for the best, she added after a moment. You look hot 't have been able to keep my hands off you in that shirt. And those jeans. Damn, McCullers. She went for levity, hoping that it would make Paige smile, and would stop her from beating herself up, as Emily knew she would be doing doing at this moment.
You're one to talk, Fields. It's like you're trying to kill me with that skirt.
Emily had to smile at that. She'd gotten a lot of compliments, mostly from Hannah and mostly about her legs, in the black and red mini-skirt that she was currently wearing and she'd hoped that Paige would take notice.
"You're blushing." She heard the words before she felt the hand on her cheek. She'd been so engrossed in her texts with Paige that she'd forgotten her friends were still crowded around her. "And grinning. Must be something steamy in those texts." Hannah pulled her hand away from Emily's cheek, reaching for her hand instead, trying to angle the phone so she could read the screen. Blushing even harder, Emily pressed her phone against her chest, not about to share the flirty exchange with her friends. She knew Paige wouldn't appreciate it. And despite the fact that she shared just about everything with these three girls, she felt like this was one of those things best kept private.
"Boundries, Hannah," Spencer chided, though it didn't escape Emily's notice that she was craning her neck, trying to get a peek at the phone as well.
"I take it you smoothed things over then?" Aria asked.
Emily nodded. "For now, at least." She sent Paige a flirty face and tucked her phone back into her pocket. "How have you been dealing with this every day?" she asked Aria as the four of them started moving once again, Hannah and Spencer a few steps ahead of them. She looped her arm through her friend's and tilted her head so they could talk quietly without their voices carrying to anyone else around them.
She suddenly had a newfound respect for everything that Aria and Fitz had been through since they began their relationship. She knew that it wasn't going to be easy for herself and Paige, that not being able to greet the other girl with a kiss or hold her hand or acknowledge their relationship in all those warm, little ways that couples did was going to be a struggle for her. She was a tactile person. And she enjoyed the closeness and cuddling that came with being part of a couple. But, she could at least talk to Paige, could walk with her to class and hang out at her locker and be seen in public, going for coffee or dinner. Or at least, she should be able to once Paige got over her panic attack. If Paige got over her panic attack. She had a sinking suspicion that this morning was just the tip of the iceberg.
It had been all of five minutes and Emily was at a loss. Aria had been dealing with this for months. She couldn't even casually associate with her boyfriend in public without arousing suspcion. And Emily had no idea how she managed. But she had a feeling she was going to have to figure it out.
Aria huffed out a long breath before answering. "There's no easy answer, Em. We just...do. Every day we have to make a conscious decision to be together and deal with whatever that entails."
Emily frowned at her friend's words. "That's...depressing."
Aria shrugged. "Maybe. Sometimes. But, then there are these amazing moments that make it all worth it."
Emily felt a smile tug at the corners of her lips as she thought about some of the moments that she had shared in the past few days, last night especially. It was those moments that kept her hanging on to the possibility that this could work.
"And you're happy? The majority of the time, being with him makes you happy?"
The smile that graced Aria's features was answer enough, but she nodded and replied in the affirmative anyway. "Nothing worth having comes easy, Em."
Aria's words rang in her head for the rest of the morning. With every playful, flirty text exchanged between classes, with every memory of how her heart dropped as she'd watched Paige duck into the bathroom to avoid her, with every rememberance of Paige's happy, bashful smile as they parted from a kiss, she reminded herself that this thing with Paige was going to take some work but it would be worth it.
By lunch time she was feeling better. The incident from this morning all but forgotten and defintely forgiven. She swung by Paige's locker on her way to the cafeteria, but was dissapointed to find that Paige wasn't there. She'd been hoping to touch base with her, in person, even for just a few minutes. Just as well, she reasoned as she turned and made her way through the halls to join her friends for lunch. She hadn't been lying when she'd told Paige she thought she looked hot today and would likely have trouble keeping her hands off her.
As was becoming automatic, she scanned the room upon entering for Paige but didn't catch sight of her. She thought about texting Paige, to see if maybe they could sneak away somewhere from lunch, but before she could get her phone out, Hannah spotted her from across the room and waved her over. Emily made her way quickly through the lunch line before heading over to the table occupied by most of her friends, as well as a few familiar additions. Hannah was there along with Caleb and Mona. Aria was sitting across from them, as was Toby, though Spencer was noticeably absent. Emily slid into the empty seat beside Aria and offered a general greeting to the table. The conversation opened to include her but ground to a stop shortly as the others at the table all turned to glance at something, or someone behind her.
"Hey, guys."
Emily craned her neck at the sound of Spencer's voice and nearly choked on the bite of salad she had just taken as she spotted not just her friend coming to a stop in front of the table but Paige hovering behind her, clutching a paper bag in one hand and the strap of her backpack in the other, her eyes darting around everywhere but at Emily.
"Do you mind if Paige joins us today?" Spencer asked, sliding into the seat beside Toby and gesturing for Paige to take the remaining vacant seat, between herself and Emily. Clearly, she wasn't really asking. "We have a bit of work to do on a chem project."
Of course, nobody objected, though both Mona and Caleb looked curious and a bit confused. It wasn't unusual for Spencer to work through their lunch period, sometimes she'd ditch them to meet up with a lab partner or project group in the library but she never brought them along to the lunch table.
Emily knew what Spencer was doing. And she wasn't sure whether she should thank her or scold her. She thought it was sweet, Spencer orchestrating a way for Emily and Paige to be able to spend some time together without arousing suspicion. But judging by the uneasy way that Paige slid into the empty chair and ducked her head, her attention focused solely on pulling her lunch from her bag item by item, she wasn't entirely in on the ploy. She barely even glance Emily's way, whispering a quiet greeting before turning her gaze away.
She shot her friend a glare, but Spencer was turned away from her, talking quietly with Toby. She turned instead to Hannah, who shrugged her shoulders, equally at a loss.
"Hey, Paige." It was Caleb that broke the awkward silence that hung over the rest of the table. He leaned his elbows on the surface and leaned forward a little. "How about instead of homework, you give me a chance to win back some of what you took from me yesterday?"
"You were gambling?"
"How much did you lose?"
Emily and Hannah spoke at the same time, their questions directed at each of their signicant others. Not that most of the people at the table knew that she and Paige were...whatever they were. They hadn't had that conversation yet, were they girlfriends, were they dating, just seeing each other? Even so, she felt like Paige should have shared the fact she'd been betting real money when she'd been talking about her detention room exploits the day before.
"Not much, Han. Just a couple bucks."
Paige's gaze flicked over and she offered up a small smile but didn't reply, just shrugged in response to her words.
"Just how much is a couple bucks?"
"A couple hundred," Paige said, smirking slyly at Caleb.
"Caleb!" Hannah hit her boyfriend's arm.
"What? I thought it would be easy money. I was going to take you out somewhere nice in Philly. Not my fault McCuller's is some kind of card shark."
"Dude, it's right there on the hoodies, the t-shirts, the binders," Toby smirked at Caleb as well as he referenced the school's mascot. "Girl's a shark."
Caleb just rolled his eyes and reached into his bag, pulling out a deck of cards. "So, you in?"
"I don't know," Paige hedged, but Emily recognized the teasing glint in her eye. "Are you sure you can afford to lose any more to me? Your girl already seems a little pissed." She nodded her head towards Hannah, who had her arms crossed and was staring daggers at her boyfriend.
Emily's gaze went back and forth between the two of them as the banter continued, unable to believe her ears, her eyes. Paige wouldn't even look at her, wouldn't speak to her, but was all cocky self-assurance as Caleb dealt them each a hand of cards.
She didn't understand what was going on here. And, it hurt. The past few days, Paige had been unabashed in her affection for Emily, even in public. Hugging her, walking arm in arm with her. They weren't even together but she'd been attentive and tactile. Last night, she'd been defiant at the thought of people talking about them, making assumptions.. And today she was dodging her in the hallways and not even speaking directly to her. All the while texting her flirty texts and engaging her in random conversations between classes.
She stared, hard, at Paige's profile, but if the other girl felt Emily's gaze on her, she didn't let on. She was engrossed in her card game, which had now grown to include Toby, Spencer and Mona. The five of them chatting and laughing like old friends.
Her gaze darted around the table, trying to see if her friends found this as incredulous as she did. But Aria still had her face buried in her book and Spencer had her chem text book open, either perpetuating the ruse or actually working, Emily couldn't tell. Only Hannah, across the table, seemed to be aware of Emily's agitated state. She shot her a sympathetic glance but she clearly didn't know what was going on any more than Emily did.
Without a word, Emily grabbed her bag and left.