CHAPTER 17: Everything You Are

Peeta could tell Katniss was on edge. Though they both slept better now that they shared a bed, and had shared a few quiet, furtive kisses in the few days since Katniss's recovery from the snakebite, she seemed off. In those few moments when he had believed they would be separated from one another by the heavy veil of death, something in their relationship had shifted. Though it had been comfortable for several months, now it felt warm. Sleeping had indeed been easier. In exchange, however, daytime had become equally difficult.

During the day, Katniss couldn't seem to sit still. She watched him working with hawk-like eyes, perched precariously on the edge of a stool, her fingers tapping and her foot wiggling. Peeta couldn't blame her, in the days since Madge's letter had arrived; they'd received two other pieces of mail. Most specifically, a wedding invitation and a letter from Johanna Mason. The wedding invitation was pinned carefully on the bulletin board where Katniss glared at it each time she walked past. Johanna's letter sat on the coffee table, where they both would pick it up and read it occasionally.

Hey Lovebirds,

Been awhile, huh? Last time I saw either of you things were a pretty big mess. Y'know, Katniss, maybe that stupid head doctor was right, since things have gotten better! Little Finn just turned 3 and I just taught him and Annie how to throw axes! Cool. Me and Annie are working on a new project, you know, save the world and shit, and we wanna come talk to you about it. Anyway, we just got back from a trip to District 2. Turns out Gale Force and his ladyfriend wanna finally tie the knot, like it's fooling anyone; their little pinecone is old enough to have bad fashion sense! They probably didn't tell you two, but I thought I'd warn you they wanna get married in your shitty district! Don't get all offended, kids; I'm sure you've prettied it up a lot in 3 years. Since the wedding's supposed to be next week, I figure we'll just come stay with you two! Who doesn't feel right at home in the Victors' Village, right? Ha!

Didn't you miss me?

Johanna.

Peeta was pretty excited to see Johanna and Annie, and was even glad he would get to see Madge again. But Gale, the best moment he'd had with Gale was when he'd given him a suicide pill. Not exactly flowers and champagne. Though the idea of seeing Gale again gave Peeta a twinge of discomfort, it seemed to make Katniss absolutely bonkers, proof positive were the twin holes on her leg, and the way she hadn't let Peeta out of her sight ever since.

For the first few days, Peeta welcomed this with open arms. Usually she would spend her days hunting, trading, cooking with him, maybe listening to some music before they went to bed. The past few days, she hadn't done any of that. Peeta tried to keep his days as normal as possible, but it was more difficult since Katniss had taken to following him wherever he went. She helped him bake, got him to teach her chess until she got frustrated, read to her, snuggled on the couch. Peeta realized something was strange when he noticed that she hadn't gone outside since the snakebite except to go to town with him. She came with him everywhere, clinging to him. When he couldn't keep her busy, she stared into space, rattling anything in her grip or fidgeting in her chair. Peeta rationalized that she was nervous about seeing their old friends again. It was all so very... un-Katniss-y which was slowly making Peeta absolutely bonkers.

So he was in the kitchen, working on gingersnaps, hoping this would help her feel better, when her tapping finally started to get to him.
"Katniss," Peeta began quietly, "Katniss," he attempted to pry her attention away from the wall and said a little louder, "Katniss!"

Her eyes came back into focus, "What?"

"We should talk about this; it's bothering you," He gave a quick glance at his cookies, which were browning on a sheet in the oven, and wiped his hands on his apron.
Katniss ducked her head and took her braid in hand, twisting it thoughtfully, "It will be nice to see Madge and her baby, and Johanna and Annie," she added.
Peeta sighed and sat down with her at the table. He gathered her hands in his and looked at her seriously, "This is about Gale."

"Yes," she said quietly.

Peeta was far beyond asking whether Katniss wanted to be with Gale, whether she loved him, whether she would rather be with him. Though he and Gale had never had a great relationship, suicide pills and sardonic laughter were the closest they would ever get to love, he knew Gale well enough to know that if he said he was going to marry Madge, he was going to marry Madge. And Peeta didn't know a lot about children or biology, but that little girl Katniss had pointed out when they reran the interview was definitely his. For Katniss, though, he knew that it wasn't so simple.

"What is it about seeing Gale again that's gotten you so..." he trailed off lamely, "edgy?"

Katniss sighed hugely, her eyes sought out his, "I just don't know how I'm going to be with him. I don't know if... if I miss him or if I hate him. Or both."
The little crinkle that appeared in her forehead told him that there was more, "and?" he prompted.

She shot him a sharp glare, and then averted her eyes down to her lap, "I'm mad at him," she said in a small, intense voice. In that moment she looked like an indignant child.

Peeta could think of a lot of reasons Katniss might be mad at Gale, most of them involving snares, bombs and Primrose, but he couldn't cover his shock when she explained:

"He didn't kill me," she blurted, "and I didn't kill him. I was supposed to kill him but I didn't understand what he was saying. Then I shot the president and then he should have killed me. He didn't," her face contorted, "He killed Prim but not me."

Peeta let out a low breath and leaned back in his chair, he shook his head, hoping to clear it but having little success, "Katniss, being mad about the bombs is understandable, but why would you be mad that he didn't kill you?"

"I don't expect you to understand, Peeta," she grumbled.

"You can try to explain it to me," he murmured back, eyes imploring.

Katniss sat with her eyes closed tight. Peeta saw her lips moving in the familiar mantra that began with my name is Katniss Everdeen. He breathed deeply and waited.

"It's like I told you," she began in a measured voice, "I should have killed him and I didn't. It's like why Gale gave you the Nightlock in the Capitol," she explained briefly the moment in which Gale had pleaded with her to kill him and in her confusion, she had failed to let her arrow fly, "It's a betrayal. Killing people is awful and it takes everything"

"Everything that you are," Peeta completed sadly,

"But leaving someone to the Capitol? To torture? You have to make the decision in the moment and kill them. You have to sacrifice yourself so that they don't suffer. It's why I killed Cato, remember? It was better that way. It's why, why I..." Her voice faltered, "why I tried to kill you."
Peeta was at once overwhelmingly glad he had experienced the incredibly awkward heart to heart with Haymitch.

"After the Quell," he whispered softly, "You came for me with just a syringe."

Silence dominated the conversation. Katniss did not bother to ask how he knew this, but she could not refute it. "Yes,"

"You were going to kill me," Peeta said with a strange elation in his voice.

"Yes, Peeta," she said in exasperation.

"You love me," he breathed, eyes wide, face glowing.

Katniss could only glare at him, "I know that," she ground out, unable to participate in Peeta's jubilation, "I just figured that out and that makes this whole Gale thing worse. I don't want to be confused again."

"Confused about what?" Peeta asked her, a pang of something sharp coloring his tone. He thought he had been over the idea of Katniss loving Gale, and hadn't he just realized the opposite?

Katniss looked at him, her grey eyes widened in anger, then she forcibly closed them and took a breath. She kept her eyes closed, and drew her knees close to herself, protectively. "Gale and I... we didn't have to talk to know what the other wanted... what the other would do... but that day... everything was insane and... he was counting on me... to make that sacrifice. I could see him, see his eyes..." her voice faltered, and Peeta suddenly understood that she was keeping her eyes closed to keep from crying. "I could see his eyes, I could see his lips moving, and I couldn't tell what he wanted. I spent the precious few moments I had to save him trying to figure out what the hell he was saying. I just knew that... even without the bombs... whatever we had been... was... gone. Changed forever."

"You two have never talked...?" He saw the look on her face, "Of course not, you didn't need to," he sighed, "Do you want to talk to him about it?"

Katniss looked as though he had suggested she burn the house down.

"I mean... whatever is between you two, if it's not unspoken anymore," he tried to sound patient, though her looking at him like he was crazy was making him feel a bit defensive. "Then you have to talk about it."

The buzzer on the oven went off, Katniss looked incredibly relieved, "You should-"

"No, they'll wait." He held her gaze, "Do your mantra. What do you know for sure? Let's start there."

"My mantra won't help me with Gale. Gale isn't part of my life anymore... he doesn't get to be a part of my mantra."
Peeta laughed. It sounded so childish, and paired with her pose, the overall effect was humorous. "Well, Gale is going to be here in a few days. He is going to be here, so, you may as well be prepared."

She scowled at him. For some reason, this made him laugh harder. It wasn't that the situation was funny, or that he didn't care about her distress... more that, it was so terrible. The whole thing was so uncomfortable. He and Katniss had never talked about Gale after they came back, and suddenly, she was confiding in him her deepest feelings about him.

"Don't laugh at me," she growled at him.

"Katniss," he reached across the table for her hand. She gave him another sharp glare but let him take her hand in both of his, "This is just so absurd. I don't know anything about you and Gale. The second you start talking about him, I feel... frozen up on the inside, the way I'd used to feel when I saw you two together before the Games. I feel about 12 years old."

He leaned into her hand, and pulled it to his lips to kiss it. Still talking into their hands, he smiled patiently, "I think honestly, if you want me to be any help to you with this Gale thing, you're going to have to talk to me about him, really tell me about him. Where you met, when your relationship was at certain levels... Stories about him, what you liked about him... What went on when I was in the Capitol and you were in 13. I know it won't be easy, or fun, but I think it is important."

Katniss looked at him for a long time.

"Okay, but if I am going to talk to you about him... I need to know that you won't get jealous... that you won't freeze up. I'm bad at talking about things," she paused, and gave him an almost imperceptible squeeze of the hand, "Gale was my family. For a long time, he was all I had," she searched his face carefully, watching for a sign that he was upset, but his face was still, open, "You're my family now," she added quietly, a blush spreading across her cheeks, "and he won't change that, but I can't talk to you if I am worried that everything I say... will be... wrong, or hurt you somehow."

Peeta rose from the table, kissed her gently on the head, removed his only slightly darker cookies from the oven, and said jauntily: "I won't get jealous. You tried to kill me!"

Katniss stood, and wrapped her arms around him from behind, resting her head on his back and running her hands over his stomach. The cheerfulness in his voice did not extend to hers, and she whispered, "Yes, I wanted to kill you. But I never wanted to hurt you."

Peeta set the cookies on the counter and intertwined his hands in hers. They stood there for many long moments, until Peeta turned around to face her, and wrapped her in his arms. When she tilted her face to him, their mouths met in a slow, easy kiss. When they finally broke apart, Peeta tilted his forehead down to hers, and whispered, "I'm glad you never had to kill me."

Katniss sighed into him, resting her face on his chest, "Me too."