The Fisherman.5: Snatched
All I wanted was to go home. And when I went home, all I wanted was to be with my parents. Why do I live?
I headed straight to my victory village home and hid under the covers. Mags understood my desire to be alone, so she stayed at her home. It wasn't long before I just ran into the bathroom and vomited. I felt sick and unable to move so I just laid on the cold floor waiting to die. I felt pain... disgust... shame… a lot of feelings invaded me and made me feel unclean and valueless.
Hours later, my desire to feel clean again and pretend like nothing has happened took over everything else so I just got in the bathtub and let the water drawn me… yet, unlike what I wished to do, I kept my head above the water and breathed deeply.
It is not to be distinguished, really, which of them was strong and brave and which of them was cowardly and shaming: To just stay here and wish for death to come to me or to not succumb and pretend like I can just live like nothing is going on.
But after relaxing and uniting with the warm water I start to realize which is the right thing to do: Only not let this get me. I know why I'm doing this and for whom: For my family… Mags, Annie, her father… they're definitely more important than anything. I start looking at this differently: I'm only protecting them the way I am requited to. The right thing is not only to do it, but to stay strong and stay who I am, not who they want me to be: I am Finnick Odair, a district 4 fisherman who lost his parents and who has one family he'll protect with his own life and loves only one girl. Who Snow wants me to be is everything I'm not and I will never be, not on the inside, and not to my people: The district 4 sex symbol who enjoys spending times with the stupid and shallow capitol ladies. Yet if I want to protect my family, I'll have to play this attitude to the people who want it.
Mags comes in as I'm still in the bathtub… of course, we have the keys to each other's houses and neither do I nor does she have a problem about seeing my body… I'm her son in most ways.
-Are you okay, Finnick?
I look at her for a second…
-Not sure.
-You worried me about you… you look very pale.
It's hard to say I'm ever pale.
-With that skin color of mine… how'd you notice? Are you wearing contacts?
She sighs…
-Here you are starting to crack jokes again. I got you some food… I figured you wouldn't eat anything on your own.
Of course she knows… she knows me better than I do.
-How long have I been here?
-In the house? A day. How long have you been in the bathtub? Come out, you'd catch cold.
A day? And I thought it was only a few hours… then I must have been in the bathtub for at least 3 hours now.
I come out and put a T-shirt and shorts on and dry my hair with a towel… and in the dining room Mags is waiting for me. On the table there's a tray with a bowl of fish soup, a loaf of bread and some cooked shellfish with tomato sauce. Now I realize I was hungry all along.
-"Thanks…" I say as I take a seat and start eating.
-So, how are you now? You looked ill yesterday.
-I was ill. It took me a while of thinking in bed to run to the bathroom and vomit, though.
She looks to me in concern, and then covers my hand that is not busy with the shellfish with hers.
-You're better now?
-I am… thank you Mags.
I say it from the heart… for everything. The memories of everything she's done to me flash in my brain. Maybe she noticed, because she smiled and caressed my hand. How translucent are my eyes to give away every single thought that I have? The color of my eyes is one of things I love about my appearance. Of course my appearance is something everybody gushes about all the time, but to me, I only like a few things about it, and the color of my eyes is one of them. It's my favorite color; the color of the sea.
I smiled back. Only seconds later, the smile faded from her face and an expression of concern re-appeared. Of course, the smile faded from mine as well.
-What?
-Annie came for you yesterday… to my house. I told her you wanted to be alone.
-Did you… tell her anything else?
-No. How are you going to tell her?
-How do you know...
-Know what?
-That Snow said I should leave Annie? I never told you that.
She silences for a while and a deep, unreadable expression appears on her face… only I, because I know her as I know the ocean, could read an entire tragedy in it.
-When I was as young as you and I was asked to do the same… I was requited to leave my man, too. His name was Anton… he was 20. I was one of the first people Snow uses, maybe the first ever. I was 18 back then and he was 32.
I lower my eyes. Mags had to leave her man… and now so do I. Not only I'm going to be used, but I also can't be with the one girl I really love.
Now I feel like I want to shout to all those capitol women… telling them what they really are. They're as shallow and stupid as the stupidest animals… and if they do believe what their monstrous president is trying to convince them, that I do love them, then they're not only stupid, but also terribly mislead from the fact that they're nothing compared to a girl like Annie. I'd rather die here and now than spend my life with a woman who only whines about her jewelry and clothes all the time and paints her face green and drinks a laxative solution to vomit and be able to eat more.
But it's not safe to shout this here because my house is crowded by Snow's cameras, so I only whisper…"I'll figure out a way do it. I'm only sure I won't tell her the truth. Nothing in the world seems uglier to me than ruining her life with this truth. It's even better to me to just pretend like I don't love her anymore and I want to be with somebody else."
-If you don't mind, though, I'll tell her father. We don't want him to think you just bailed on his daughter. And besides, he might help you get out of this without breaking her heart… he could talk to her for you.
-That's a good idea, but I'd also like to talk to them myself… after you talk to Annie's father I'll talk to them both.
-Fine. I better be going then… this has to start now.
I smile darkly and all I can say is "It already started."
"Just sit down, son."
I sit… looking at the floor the whole time since I came here.
Annie's house is, of course, much smaller and luxurious than our victory village houses. Yet, it is beautiful. It's one of my favorite places on earth.
"What has Mags told you, father?"
-The truth… the full truth, son.
I silence for five or six seconds.
-"I'm sorry."
-For what, son? For trying your best to protect her, even if you had to destroy yourself for it? I'm the one who should be apologizing. I'm sorry because for years I've been your father in every way but the blood… yet I haven't protected you from this. I couldn't. I should have. Because no matter what happens you're the son I never had… and the man I wanted for my daughter. I'm sorry for being not your protector, but another burden you have to carry… another fragile person you have to protect.
I'm stunned for the direction the discussion took.
"Don't ever say that. You're the best father I could ever want."
He doesn't speak… he only starts shedding tears. As he breaks down, I do the same only on his chest. He covers me with his arms and I feel like we're not the strong big men we're supposed to be… we're both only underdogs… children in a world that is to cruel for children. He really is my father, I don't think any of us can or wants to change this.
-I'm sorry my son.
-I don't want to do this, father. I love her. I don't ever want to leave her.
-I never wanted this to happen to you, son. I knew it happened to Mags and it would happen to you… and you chose to protect us. I'm begging you son to do what will comfort you more… either it will cause me to lose my son or my daughter.
-I will never… ever let anything happen to you, to her or to Mags. I'd rather die. I just… don't know how to tell her without breaking her heart.
-Leave this to me. I'll carry most of the weight of it off your shoulders… this is the least I can do.
-Thank you, father. Thank you.
-Finn father told me everything.
-Everything?
-He told me we can't be together anymore because you said a rebellious thing in the training center and they got mad at you, you got scared they might target the people you care about so you had to break up with me. Isn't that what you told him?
We were on the beach. I knew it wasn't safe for us to speak on the phone or in one of our houses because it's easy for us to be watched in one of those places, it's hard to track us down in an open place.
-Told him… no, Annie, I didn't, it's the truth!
-No, Finn, no… I know there's something wrong. I know there's something… or someone. Why did you decide to leave me, Finn? Why now?
-Annie believe me it's true! It's only to protect you!
-Maybe you decided I'm not good enough for a man as perfect as you? Maybe you thought you could have someone better?
Her eyes were teary now.
-Annie don't be stupid please, there can't be anyone… anyone but you. I'm only doing this to protect you. I'd never do this by my choice, believe me I was forced.
-What am I going to do without you, Finn? I might die. I can't do it without you.
-I'll never be far from you… not really. We'll always be close… but I'll have to erase from their minds how close we are. We'll be just friends, like we were when we were children.
She starts crying when I hold her hands.
-Everything will be okay… I promise you. And who knows, really…
-Who knows what?
-Maybe one day we'll be together. Maybe one day we won't have to fear the capitol, I won't have to fear them hurting you. Maybe one day we'll be married and we'll have a beautiful child. Maybe one day all this oppression and hate will no longer exist… maybe we'll live in a free world. Maybe you and I will live and be a part of this. But until then, Annie, I'll have to be strong enough to do the hardest thing to me: Stay away from you at least as your lover.
We both silence as she cries and I resist doing the same. I cried too much in the last few days… this is unacceptable. I'm a man. I'm the one who should be standing up sober and strong.
-Fine, Finn. But I want you to always know that I love you, that I only love you. And that no matter how good I am at pulling this role… it never reflects what's inside me.
-I know, sweetheart, I know… because it's exactly how I feel about you.
But… isn't that the reason why I'm alive and fighting?
This year has passed fast. Between me trying to pretend like Annie is my cousin or my sister, and her father and Mags always contemplating me with sorrow, it was hard for me to hold up. Yet I made it, and I'm proud of myself for this.
Pretending like I don't love Annie like that anymore was the hardest part. We were good enough, yet the slightest look or smile from her would always unnerve me. I wanted her, really more than anything. I struggled while trying to pretend the entire opposite. We still walked together holding hands by the beach, but that's all.
The reaping day came fast. This year was specifically more important to me than any last one because it was Annie's last reaping. Her 18th birthday was in summer, which means if she's past this year safely, she'll never be exposed to the danger of the games again. And, I kept my promise to Snow, so I wouldn't expect him to do otherwise.
I watch the children of my district aligned waiting for the death sentence of two of them. I stand with Mags and the district's escort on the stage. I look for Annie with my eyes… there she is, with a very beautiful green dress that reflects the color of her eyes beautifully and her hair tied in a ponytail. I smile to her, reassuring her. She returns the smile with a little nervous one.
The escort advances to the bowl of names saying "Ladies first…" and again I find it silly. It's as if my reaping is rewinding: She prolongs the reaping to enjoy the depression we feel.
My reaping rewinding? Does that mean I have to expect evil? This thought gives me this pain in my stomach which indicates deep discomfort.
"Annie Cresta."
She pulls the paper and pronounces the name before I can hold my thoughts together. The echo of the name re-sounds in my ears and I start looking at Annie and at everybody with disbelief. I feel like my heart left my chest and fell to the floor… like my whole body's on fire. I feel Mags' hand on mine but it's the first time in my life this fails to reassure me.
Where are the volunteers? Where are all those girls who train their whole lives to kill? Why are they always there when nobody needs them, but when they could save me and my family they hold back? I look at some of them. Is it just me or are some of them looking at her with malice and spleen? Is it just me or some of them were willing to do it, only if somebody else was called? Is it just me or it's because they're jealous?
Is it just me or it's because she's mine and I'm hers, and this will lead to her certain death?
Mags was smart enough to keep me away from Annie during the train's voyage. She knew if I approach her, I'll lose my mind and hug her, kiss her, apologize to her, and do all the things we're not supposed to do.
Once we arrive to the training center, of course after the parade that I attended with half a brain, she took us to the roof, the only safe place in the building, and left us alone.
I did what I thought I'd do. I hugged her and started kissing her while both of us were crying. I whispered in her ear that I'm sorry.
-For protecting me? You were right, that day, Finn. I'm sorry I accused you of other things. I didn't think Snow would actually try to kill me. Thank you for everything.
-I'm going to go talk to him.
-No Finn, please don't. You'll lose your nerve and he'll kill you. Please Finn…
She was holding my shirt's collar, trying to hold me off. I need to unleash my fury… and I would only unleash it on Snow.
"Annie, let me go." I say it to her for the first time in my life and push her hand away, and as I slam the roof's door I hear her yell," Finn please… don't!"
-Do you have an appointment?
-I don't. It's urgent for our… business.
-I'm sorry but without an appointment scheduled you can't….
-I will.
I look at the old secretary in anger. It must have been scary because she looked a little scared to me.
"You can't be worried about the safety of your boss, can you? Because the guards have fetched me a thousand times till now and I have no weapon." Except my hands… and I swear to God I was ready to snap his neck with them at the spot. I don't need a trident or a knife to kill Coriolanus Snow, I'll just burn him with the fire that's inside of me. "I'm starting to run out of patience. I better be seeing him now."
The woman looks terrified for some reason I can't imagine. How scary I am when I'm angry? Don't I just look like a silly child threatening people who are older and more capable? Or maybe I was scary, after all I wasn't just angry, I was fumigating with fury. I was thinking indeed of killing Snow with my own two hands; those presidential guards are stupid for fetching me for weapons only. If they really wanted the safety of the president, they should have cut my hands off.
The secretary, dressed as a usual dimwitted capitol woman which inflamed my hatred towards her more and more, presses a button and says to some device,"Finnick Odair is here. He wants to see you, Mr. President, but he doesn't have an appointment scheduled."
I hear the voice of the man I'm probably about to kill say…"Doesn't need one, he's one dear business partner indeed." He says it knowing I'm hearing him. He says it flaming more and more anger inside me.
"Alright, Sir, I'll let him in."
She presses the button again, then presses another button which opens the metal door. She gets up and accompanies me in.
As I get in, I see Snow's back to the door as he looks to his Dystopia from the large, all glass window. The secretary then leaves.
"Sit down, Finnick."
As I think of killing him, I realize it won't be enough. Snow is not an individual, Snow is a full system formed by serpent men just like him. Killing him won't fix the broken Panem, nor will it give the districts a hope in life, nor will it stop the hunger games, nor will it save my Annie. On the contrary, the districts will face more and more oppression in order to guarantee such an act will never be repeated, and I and everybody I love will be slaughtered.
This country needs a full uprising… a rebellion.
-So… what is it that made you come right here and scare that poor secretary so much her voice was shaking it was heard through the Dictaphone?
-Funny, you're mad I've scared that secretary but on the other hand you spend your whole day thinking of the newest best ways to terrorize an entire population.
He smiles at me… the smile of a serpent.
-You know, Finnick Odair, someone else comes to my office and gives such a speech they'd be shot at the spot. If you were not earning me loads of money you and everybody you'd loved would be burnt to the ground by now.
-Ah… so you're saying I've done my part of the deal. I've gone to the houses of those women and let them use me… just like you ordered. I even refused to take any price because I didn't want anything from them. I left Annie in order to be your own exclusive property. And now you've taken her away.
-What are you talking about?
-She was reaped today, and I know you did it.
I yelled the last phrase with a thunderous voice. I let my fury out.
"Oh, so you're talking about that. I thought you cared for that girl no more, Odair?" He says it as calm as ever.
-Don't make me laugh. You know I love her and you know how much I care in fact about your city's women. You thought you could alter my feelings? I thought you were too smart for that, President. You can't. No one can. If I show the least neglect to that girl it's only because of our deal. If I ever had the choice I'd never be anybody else's.
-So maybe this is why I did that, Odair. To push you into doing your job better. To being only dedicated to your work, every man of your age wants this! To be able to dedicate themselves to their jobs fully! It's a gift. You could raise money you wouldn't even imagine.
-This is not my job, President Coriolanus Snow. I'm not your prostitute. I'm a fisherman, only Annie's fisherman. Your missions are only some dirty work I have to execute in order to protect my family.
-I hope when you lose the bonds that tie you away from being my prostitute, Finnick, like miss Cresta, you'll feel better about it. It does take some time.
All I feel is that I want to kill him. I want to watch him die.
-You know President… after taking Annie away I'll have nothing to lose, and you won't have me. I won't be afraid of you, and if you'll want to kill me, do it. It'll be better than being your prostitute."
He smiles again… the same smile I hate… and says," We'll see."