Disclaimer: I don't own the characters. They belong to Cecily von Zeigesar and The CW.
Blair was tired, exhausted actually. Keeping up with Luca's feeding schedule and trying to find an hour of sleep here and there was driving her near the edge of insanity. Chuck tried to help where he could, and Lily, Eleanor and Serena tried to back him up, but, short of breastfeeding Luca, there was really nothing that they could do.
Blair started sleeping in the nursery so she could be closer to Luca when he needed her.
Chuck came in at regular intervals to check on them.
"Blair, go lay down in our bed," Chuck encouraged her as he gently tapped her shoulder to wake her, "I'll take care of Luca until the next feeding."
"I'm okay," she smiled softly as she stroked his cheek.
"I insist," he held firm.
"A shower actually sounds more appealing," Blair admitted as she ran her fingers through the tangled mess of hair. She couldn't even remember the last time she ran a brush through the mess. "Thank you."
"Go," he encouraged her as he lifted his son out of his crib and cradled him in his arms.
Blair stood in the doorway for a few moments to watch her to men bond. Luca was so much more comfortable with his father than he was a few weeks earlier when he first came home from the hospital, and Chuck was grinning from ear to ear. He seemed to have all the energy in the world, but then again he would be functioning on consecutive hours of sleep.
Not wasting another minute, she slipped into her bathroom and stripped down. The shower felt like heaven. She tried to remember the last time she'd taken the time to wash up. It was a fruitless exercise, as she had no clue what day it had been when she last showered, nor what day it currently was.
Once she was sufficiently clean, she stepped out of the shower to dry herself off. When the fog on the glass cleared, she examined her body in the mirror. She was still carrying quite a bit of her pregnancy weight, but she had a waist once again. Her husband could encircle her with his arms once again if he chose. As she brushed her hair, she allowed herself a few moments to fantasize about the moment that they'd make love for the first time after childbirth. She wondered how it would feel, if it would feel any different, any less satisfying.
Chuck's pill case sat on the counter. It was merely a reflex to check it. Knowing what time of the day it was, the day's pills should be gone. She checked each day's slot. Each slot was filled to the brim. She became curious, so she searched around for a cellphone, knowing that it would tell her which day of the week it was. It was Thursday. She knew he didn't refill his case until Sunday morning just before he took his first dose of the week, so it was odd that the entire case was full.
"That looks suspiciously like Blair Bass," Serena chuckled as Blair bounced into the living area where she and her mother were each reading a book, "You're looking good, Blair, well, clean at least. The bags under your eyes however have increased."
"Thanks for that," Blair glared at her best friend.
"I'm just pointing out the obvious that you're clearly tired."
"Is Chuck okay?" Blair inquired as she tapped his pillbox against her hand, hearing it rattle.
"He's fine," Serena nodded, "He seems a little lonely and wishes he could do more to help you, but other than that, he's fine. Why do you ask?"
"His pillbox is full," Blair explained, "It's Thursday, right?"
"Yes," Lily confirmed.
"He refills his pillbox every Sunday. It shouldn't be full," Blair's heart skipped a beat at the thought that he could be off his medication. In everything she'd read about his illness, being off his medication was a recipe for disaster.
"Maybe he's just filling it each day for something to do," Serena offered, "You should see him pace outside the nursery when there isn't any need for him and he wants to stay out of your way."
"Yeah, maybe you're right," Blair nodded, "He seemed fine with Luca when I left them a few minutes ago."
"Did you want something to eat?" Lily inquired, "I'm sure Rosa could whip something up quickly, and we could sit down with you. I'm sure you could use a little adult conversation. Aside from your brief conversations with Charles, you haven't had much of an opportunity."
"I should be getting back to the nursery," Blair replied, "It's nearly time to feed Luca."
"I know this is a difficult right now," Lily gave her a sympathetic smile, "But this does get easier. Luca will start sleeping more and go longer in between feedings."
"I'd be happy with two consecutive hours of sleep," Blair sighed, "I'm so tired."
"I know," Lily replied as she rose from her seat to hug her daughter-in-law, "Tell you what, go feed Luca, and then Serena and I will take care of him until he needs to be fed again. Maybe you and Chuck can take a nap together. He's not sleeping either. He doesn't say it, but I don't think he can sleep without you next to him."
"That sounds wonderful, Lily," Blair gave Lily a grateful smile.
"Have Charles come get us when you're done," Lily replied.
"Thank you," Blair tried to stifle a yawn as she left the room. She thought for a moment of taking the stairs up to the nursery, but she didn't think she had the energy to climb the several flights it would take. She opted instead for the elevator. She always felt a bit silly every time she rode the elevator because she was only climbing two flights of stairs, but at the moment those two flights of stairs were her Mount Everest.
"You're looking cleaner," Chuck stated as he was bouncing around the room with Luca in his arms, "And you have perfect timing. Luca started sucking on my finger. It's only a matter of time before he puts his lungs through a workout."
"Come here, Luca," Blair smiled as she took her son from her husband's arms.
"He's gaining weight," Chuck stated as he watched Blair settle into the chair to feed him, "You can tell when you hold him. I know you're tired and overwhelmed, but you are doing a phenomenal job."
"Dishing out compliments without solicitation," Blair eyed his skeptically, "What have you done wrong?"
"Why are you assuming I did anything wrong?" he replied, "Can't a husband compliment his wife when she's doing amazing work."
"It's breastfeeding, Chuck," Blair stated, "I haven't been researching a cure for the common cold."
"It's taking care of our son in a way that I never could," he stated, "I wish I could be as useful to our baby as you are."
"Are you jealous of me and my breasts?" Blair fought the urge to smile.
"No," he scoffed, "I just wish that I serviced some useful purpose. Basically the only part that I've played so far in this little man's life is contributing my sperm."
"Don't sell yourself short," she scolded him as she extended her hand to him, "You are far more than a sperm donor. You change him and bathe him."
"Don't patronize me," he rolled his eyes.
"You burp him, you hold him, you talk to him, you kiss him, you tell him you love him," Blair continued on with her list, "The only thing you don't do is feed him. That will change eventually. The important part in all of this is that you're here, and you're trying. That's all that I ask."
"I wish I could do more," he sighed.
"I know," she nodded, "But nature did not bless you with the ability to breast feed a baby, so you have to find a way to come to terms with that."
He nodded as he caressed Luca's head, his fingers sifting through the tuft of hair that remained. He thought that most of it would have fallen out by now as he read usually happened with newborns that were born with hair. Though several strands had fallen out, there was still enough to run his fingers through. He was as enamored with running his fingers through his son's hair as he was his wife's.
"Will you go tell Lily that Luca is almost done," Blair requested as she caressed his forearm gently with her fingers, "She and Serena are going to watch him so that you and I can get a couple of hours of sleep. They seem to think that you're getting just as little sleep as I am."
"Honestly, I don't remember the last time I even tried to lay down," he admitted, "It's pointless as I can't fall asleep without you next to me."
"Then we're both due," she replied.
"I'll be right back," he replied as he bent down to kiss Luca's forehead.
"Do I get a kiss?" she inquired as she held onto his hand as he turned towards the nursery door.
He chuckled as he turned towards her again and laid a gentle kiss on her lips.
Blair's mind began to race, picking apart every detail of their conversation, looking for some sort of clue as to whether he was off his medication and if he was cycling through a manic or depressive episode.
He appeared normal. He appeared in control, but there was one part of their conversation that bugged her. He wasn't sleeping. He wasn't even trying to sleep. She knew from her research that sleeplessness was a symptom of either the manic or depressive episode, but they also had a brand new baby, so perhaps it was a symptom of first time fatherhood. She knew she had to confront him, but she was so tired. She desperately needed some sleep. Perhaps after their nap, there would be some time to really talk.
Lily and Chuck came into the nursery just as Blair was finishing with Luca.
"He still needs to be burped," Blair stated as she handed Luca to his grandmother.
"Don't worry about a thing," Lily replied as Luca nuzzled into Lily's shoulder as Blair caressed the back of his head, "Just get some sleep. I'm going to turn off the baby monitor, so we won't wake you. I promise I will not leave his side."
"I'm not worried," Blair smiled as she grasped Chuck's hand and pulled him out of the nursery, leading him to their bed where she laid him down and then snuggled in against him. She thought it would take longer to fall asleep, but she was sound asleep before her head hit the pillow.
"Did you sleep?" Blair inquired as she woke a few hours later to the feel of Chuck's fingers caressing her cheek softly.
"Some," he nodded.
"What time is it?" Blair asked as she looked around.
"Lily told me she'd send Serena in when it was time for Luca's feeding," Chuck replied as he pressed on her shoulder when she tried to sit up, "Just relax. Enjoy these few moments of quiet we've been given. They are going to be few and far between."
"It's the maternal instincts," she explained, "It's hard to be away from him, even if it's just a room away."
"I know," he nodded, "But you need to take care of yourself too."
"So do you," she replied as she sighed deeply, knowing that she might as well bring up the issue, "Chuck, when was the last time you filled your medicine container?"
Chuck looked startled by her question as he fumbled for an answer.
"I saw it on the counter. It's a habit that I got into before Luca was born to check it each day to make sure that you'd taken your medication. I checked it. It's completely full and it shouldn't be," she explained, "There should be days missing."
"I…ah…" he fumbled for a response.
"Did you just forget or is this something that your doctor recommended?" she offered him a way out. She prayed that he had some valid explanation. She couldn't bear to hear that he'd purposely taken himself on the medication.
"I guess I forgot," he admitted, "I've been so focused on Luca and you and trying to jump in wherever I can. I've lost track of the days."
"I'm invoking the right you bestowed upon me before we were married. I'm going to nag you until you take your medication," she stated, "Now go. The rest of this discussion can wait."
"I'm sorry," he gave her his best puppy dog expression as he rose of their bed and disappeared into the bathroom. She heard a bit of rustling before he emerged with his pills in one hand and a glass of water in the other.
"I don't need verification," she told him as he made a production of placing the pills on his tongue and then gulping down the glass of water. He then opened his mouth and moved his tongue around to prove to her that he'd swallowed the pills.
"But you also don't trust that I'll take these pills as prescribed. Otherwise you wouldn't be checking up on me," he replied.
"We talked about this. You even said the best way for me to help you is to make sure that you're taking your medication. It wasn't like I count every pill or rifled through your drawers. Your pillbox was on the bathroom counter. It's a reflex for me to check it," she explained calmly.
"But as soon as you saw that it was full you jumped straight to the conclusion that I was purposely off my meds," he hissed.
"That's not true!" she exclaimed, "I was hoping that it was just a simple mistake, which you are saying it was, and I believe you. I know it's a crazy time for us both right now, and I can see how easy it would be to forget. Whether it was a mistake or an accident or intentional, you need to call your therapist."
"I don't need a damn therapist!" he exclaimed, "They are doing me no good. All they care about is padding their bank accounts. They don't give a damn about me."
"That's not true," she replied, "You said Doctor Harland was helping."
"I stopped going," he admitted in a tone barely above a whisper.
"Exactly how long have you not been seeing your therapist?" she asked.
"A little over a month, I guess," he replied, "I just didn't see the point. We've been repeating ourselves in therapy. I no longer felt that I was making any progress."
"So you just quit without even discussing it with me," she replied, "Don't you think that might have been a discussion that I'd want to be a part of. This decision affects me as well."
"You were pregnant and miserable," he stated defensively, "You weren't exactly approachable."
"I don't care," she snapped, "Even if I was in labor at the time you made this radical decision, you still should have discussed this with me."
"You'd try talking me into going back," he sighed.
"You're darn right I would," she responded, "Because you need it. You can't claim that after five months of therapy that you've worked through all of your issues."
"I just can't sit there and talk about every detail of my past," he explained, "How am I supposed to put it all behind me, when it's being brought up every week?"
"The point of bringing all of that up is so that you can learn from it and not make the same mistakes," she replied.
"I'm just tired of apologizing. I'm tired of having to constantly pay for every little thing that I've done wrong," he slumped back in the bed, "I'm just tired, Blair."
"I know," she spoke softly as she caressed his chest, "And I'm not seeking an apology. I forgave you, and all those people that truly care about you have forgiven you as well. Those that haven't, simply do not matter. I just want you to be the healthiest that you can be, physically and mentally. If you can't do it for me, do it for Luca. I know you want to be the best father you can be to him."
"What if I can never be that man that he needs me to be?" Chuck's voice broke as he spoke, "What if I am truly, irreversibly damaged? What if he's better off without me? What if you're better off without me?"
"That could never be true," she tried to reassure him as tears trailed down her cheeks, "You're a good man, Chuck. You have the biggest heart. You've made mistakes. We all have. That doesn't mean that you can't be the father and husband that Luca and I need."
"I can't forgive myself," he admitted, "I can try to forget some of the things that I've done. Half of the things, I'll probably never remember because of how high and drunk I was, but I can't forgive myself for the things I do remember. I've hurt everyone in my life that I care for and love. I'll hurt that innocent little boy. I'll damage him the way that I was damaged."
"Stop," she held her fingers to his lips. She couldn't take the anguish of his words anymore. She couldn't hear the pain in his voice. "Now listen to me. You are not Bart. Those things that happened to you will not happen to our son. History does not have to repeat itself. We're going to make mistakes with him, but that doesn't mean that we are going to inflict the same type of pain that we were put through. We can give that innocent little boy everything that we didn't have."
There was a quiet knock at their bedroom door that interrupted them.
Blair pushed the tears off her face as she answered the knock. It was Lily and Luca.
"I'm sorry," Lily frowned slightly, "I'm sure you two were enjoying the slumber, but I think he's hungry."
"Thank you for watching him, Lily," Blair replied as she lifted Luca into her arms. He wasn't crying, but he didn't look as content as he normally was when his belly was full.
"If you want more sleep, Serena and I can watch him again when you're finished," Lily offered.
"We'll let you know," Blair replied.
"We'll be just downstairs," Lily nodded as she turned away.
Blair crossed the room with Luca in her arms. "Hold him, Chuck," Blair demanded as she lowered their son towards him.
Chuck didn't hesitate as he accepted Luca and held him close to his chest. "I'll do my best, Luca. I promise," Chuck whispered in his son's ear, "I will do everything in my power to make sure that you have the best childhood a little boy could have."
"Will you go back the therapy?" Blair broached the subject again.
"I'll go back to therapy," Chuck nodded as he rubbed small circled into Luca's back, "And I'll start taking my medication on a more consistent basis. I'll do whatever else you need."
"That's all I need," she smiled as she curled herself against him, putting her arm around his neck to pull her two most favorite men close.
"I think Lily's right that he's hungry," Chuck whispered softly, "He's trying to eat my shirt."
"Such a silly little boy," Blair cooed as she reclaimed Luca as she shifted on their bed to get herself comfortable as she prepared to feed him, "Did Daddy's shirt taste good? Should we add silk shirts to your diet, Luca?"
Chuck watched Blair with their son closely. She was such the natural with him. There was no hint of awkwardness or hesitation, and her smile radiated out of every pore of her body. Even with her exhaustion, she was the happiest he'd ever seen her. The sight took his breath away.
TBC. . .
So finally a bit of drama. I hope you all enjoyed. I have a few chapters left, but I'm already planning on returning to my long running series shortly. I hope you all enjoy these final chapters as they come.