A/N: Last chapter :)
The Loneliness of Good Fortunes
Chapter Five
Haru woke up to a pounding on the bathroom door that felt like it reached all the way to his temples. He looked down, mind still fuzzy. The water was so cold and unwelcoming goose bumps covered his arms. How long had he been asleep? He stood up, drying off with the towel he set on the counter.
Still in his jammers, Haru opened the bathroom door to see Rin, his fist still held up in mid-knock.
"You're alive. Thank God," Rin ran his hand over his face and his eyes followed the trail of water droplets that fell down Haru's stomach. "You were in the bath in your jammers?"
"What do you want?" Haru asked as he ran his towel over his damp hair and stepped past Rin.
"Everyone noticed you've been in there for a while. We were all getting worried," Rin said as he followed Haru into the guest bedroom where he was staying.
"Sorry. I guess I fell asleep," He said as he reached into his suitcase and pulled out a dry pair of jammers and some clothes to put on over. And what a sleep it had been. He felt exhausted, even after such a deep sleep. He didn't even know how long he'd been out for. He gave Rin a look and he got the hint, turning around to give Haru some privacy.
"Whatever. Anyways, Sousuke said he told you about Makoto and Kisumi," Rin began as he rubbed the back of his neck. "Thought you might have been trying to drown yourself in there." He laughed lightly and Haru paused half way in between pulling his pants up.
Now he remembered why he had fallen asleep. He looked out the window at the sky. The sun was setting. He must have fallen asleep for hours. He sighed and pulled his pants over his hips, buttoning them. "You can turn around," he muttered.
Rin did. "So are you okay?"
"Why wouldn't I be?" Haru asked, narrowing his eyes.
Rin quirked a brow. "I guess because he was your best friend. And you just haven't seemed like yourself the past few days. Hell, the past few years. He moved on...maybe you're still stuck." He stepped towards Haru with a warm smile and Haru's eyes softened.
He shook his head. "I'm fine." If Makoto wanted to date Kisumi then what was it to him anyway? They had never been more than friends anyway. "I just hate this future."
"What?"
"I don't want to swim professionally," Haru said quietly, words muffled by the shirt he was in the middle of putting on.
"Come again?" Rin asked and Haru felt safe in those few moments he his head covered by the thin material of his shirt. He wished he could hide away from Rin's pushy questions, Sousuke's taunts, Makoto's new life without him. But he knew he couldn't and he pushed the shirt past his head and looked at Rin straight in his eyes.
"I don't want to swim professionally. I don't want to be with you in Australia." At that, Haru noticed the way flinched. "I want everything to go back to the way it was. Why is that such a bad thing?"
Rin narrowed his eyes. "Because, it's a little late for that? Don't you think? It's been years since you made that decision. Didn't you know back then?"
Haru looked away, cheeks flushed. "Yes."
"Then why did you come to Australia? Why are you wasting people's time? Your own time?"
Haru didn't want to look over at Rin and see that intensity that rushed in his eyes. Sometimes, Haru didn't know how to deal with that particular fire in him. Haru was much more content with the quiet darkness in his own head, the steady brightness of Makoto's smile.
Silence was easier. Running was easier. "I don't want to talk about it," he said as he made his way to move past Rin. He stopped, turned back to look at Rin when the other grabbed his wrist and looked at him with raised brows and a worried look in his eyes.
"You can't just stop talking about it. Not talking, not saying anything has kept you hating your life all these years" Rin's hands loosened and fell after a moment. "It's not healthy. I actually think it's pretty stupid. I don't understand it."
"I don't care if you don't understand," Haru said and the straight line of his face lifted just at the corners. Lifted until Haru was smiling and he ran a hand through his damp hair and looked away from Rin's accusatory glare. He didn't care. Not in the least. He didn't care what Rin thought about his decision and he didn't care about what a million random people in the stands thought about his swimming. He would have traded it all for having just that one person there at the end of the line to hold his hand out, lift him out from the water.
–
Day s later, Haru planned to head towards the train station, but as he stood at the top of the stairs he felt a pull that came from the shrine. With his Good Fortunes in his pocket, he decided to follow the lure of the pull. Maybe there was a meaning behind it, a reason that urged his footsteps.
Arriving was no different than any other time he'd visited. The trees still shook cherry blossoms free from their arms in the soft breeze, but a graveyard felt more alive than here.
He looked around with his clammy hands buried in his pockets. Haru figured there was nothing here. No one here. But it had been years since the last time he'd visited the shrine. Even though it only felt like days. The last time he was here he remembered facing Makoto and the demon who'd changed everything in a moment that Haru wished he could come back to.
Haru looked at the shrine. He supposed it couldn't hurt, and besides, there was no one around. He walked over to the shrine and pressed his hands together and closed his eyes. Took in a deep, cold breath. And tried to wish and pray.
Haru didn't notice that he had been focused for so long until he felt the ache in the bottoms of his feet and the drop in temperature. He zipped his sweater up to his collar and grabbed the pen he had pocketed earlier and scrawled a message on the Good Fortune's card. He stuck it in the shrine in a certain place that was mostly hidden. The one spot Makoto and Haru would always reach for when it came to choosing their fortunes. He wouldn't have been surprised if someone picked it up but it did have a name, so maybe they'd put it back.
He glanced at it. He'd hidden it well. And he sighed.
What was he thinking?
But he didn't take the message back. Instead he turned away and headed for the stairs, hands in his pockets, head down as he focused the floor.
"Haru?"
The voice made him stop, made his head snap up, and Haru almost couldn't believe it when he saw Makoto standing there in front of him. The familiarity of the voice didn't mean much, not when he heard that voice so many times in his dreams, echoed in his mind.
"Makoto..." He paused and his open mouth could not produce the right words. So instead he didn't speak, just watched with shaking, wavering eyes. "What are you doing here?"
"Visiting," he said and scratched his cheek as he looked away with a shy smile. "Sousuke had mentioned you were down here."
"Where's Kisumi?" Haru asked with a rushed tone to it. He wanted to get this over with. No beating around the bush. If Sousuke was right and they were really together then Haru wanted to know where he was. Otherwise this moment might have brought more awkwardness than it needed.
"He's in Tokyo." Makoto's brows raised. "Why?"
Haru turned his head away. "Why isn't he with you? Wouldn't he be if you two are together?"
Makoto frowned. "They told you? Listen," Makoto said as he stepped forward and gestured for Haru to follow him. "Let's go somewhere quiet to talk."
No, Haru wanted to say, but in all honestly, seeing Makoto there, it almost seemed like maybe his wish had been granted. He took a deep breath and followed him into the small shrine house. Empty, Haru noted as he looked around the dark room with only the fragments of smoke from the incense put out hours ago. The statues made long strips of shadow on the floor.
Makoto pulled at his collar and looked around with a visible shake. "I-It sure is dark," he noted, standing even closer to Haru, his hands gripping at the sleeve of his jacket.
Haru, as angry and confused and stressed out as he was, didn't push him away. His cheeks flushed, in fact, as he looked up at Makoto for the first time with a softness in his eyes.
"Makoto?" Haru was angry, but it didn't keep the comforting tone from his voice. It didn't keep the blush the crept to his cheek. He looked at Makoto, really looked at him, and noticed the way Makoto's eye brows raised and his eyes closed in a moment of relief. For being here with Haru? Was that why? Haru wasn't sure, but he liked to think, to hope.
"Sorry," he said as he rubbed the back of his neck. He sighed and his shoulders fell. "I don't know why Kisumi and I..." He trailed off and looked away. "I ended it…whatever it was."
Haru felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end. "Really?" He asked.
"I wanted to come to Iwatobi…to tell you in person." Makoto smiled and Haru blinked, looked away at the empty space around them. The shrine may not have felt familiar, but this moment sure did. Déjà vu. He was getting this strange sense that this wasn't the first time Makoto had said those exact words.
He felt compelled to say what was next. "Do you think we can go back to the way things were?" He'd wanted to ask for so long now, but fear of Makoto admitting he liked this new future scared Haru. But for some reason, he felt a calm as he asked.
"I hope so," Makoto said. Maybe Haru had already known the answer.
Haru smiled. Maybe Haru knew this moment because it had happened before.
He grabbed at the collar of Makoto's shirt and pulled him down, but before Haru could press his mouth to Makoto's, Makoto was already there, his lips a soft, wet pressure. Lips taking Haru's bottom one, sucking. Haru sighed as his eyes came to a close, fingers curling into the red plaid of Makoto's cotton shirt.
Suddenly, almost violently, everything came to. Haru remembered. He remembered everything. The dreams. Makoto underneath him against his bed, Makoto reaching for him as he stood knee-deep in the stream. Every word, every confession, every lost, trailing thought they had kept hidden for the many years of their friendship.
Haru pulled away with eyes wide, hands still clutching his collar. Makoto looked just as stunned with realization.
Any word were caught by the sudden lighting of candles around them. A fire that spread from the incense that balanced on dishes that hung from the ceiling to the candle sticks that edged out the shrine.
Makoto gripped Haru's sleeve, standing behind him. For the first time, Haru was scared too.
Someone was clapping, giggling. A bright, round face came from the shadows as candle fire danced across its face. The demon.
"Makoto, I never took you as someone who wouldn't follow the rules." He clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth and wagged his finger.
Makoto cleared his throat, rubbed the back of his neck as his eyes cast down. Haru raised a brow and squirmed. He had never felt too comfortable in the presence of the demon.
"You tricked us," Haru said, his hand grasping for Makoto's beside him. The action itself may have been small, but Makoto looked over at Haru with his mouth skewed, face turning red.
Haru squeezed Makoto's clammy palm as the demon spoke.
"Tricked? I gave you exactly what you wanted."
Haru's brows lowered and his hand loosened. Makoto grabbed his hand tighter and spoke up.
I may
"I'm sorry, but that's not true. There are some things I never wanted."
"Well, true," the demon said, scratching at his head. "But we all didn't get what we wanted now did we?" His strange eyes turned to look at Haru. They reminded him of the shadowed creatures he saw underneath the water's surface, when he was alone, being dragged under. "I may have taken my own liberties," he rubbed his chin. "You two don't seem to be very happy."
"I'm not," Haru stepped forward, his hand letting go. "I want everything to go back to the way it was."
"And you?" The demon turned towards Makoto and smiled.
"Yes."
The cat stroked his chin, ears wobbling side to side for a moment as he seemed to think. His whiskers curled, mouth opening briefly until he shook his head wildly. The bell on his collar rang as he shook side to side.
"I suppose. If Makoto is willing to break the one condition I gave him—not to visit you—then he must really care, after all."
Haru frowned. "Why would you tell him that?"
"Well, what was the point of wishing for a future without each other if you two were going to be together? It makes no sense."
"I'm sorry," Makoto said as he scratched his cheek. Haru glanced over at him and smiled. Had Makoto really broken that condition because he had wanted to see him so badly? "But I realized my mistake. I thought I wanted a future by myself. To prove I wasn't co-dependent…but I realized it's not that I can't be apart from you, it's just that I don't want to."
Haru swallowed, the red blush creeping back onto his cheeks. "Me too." He let out a deep breath. "Maybe we can,"
"I'm afraid it's not so easy."
"What do you mean?" Makoto asked as he glanced at Haru, who was already looking at him too. For some reason, he didn't look surprised.
"You broke the condition, Makoto. Magic can't be without its consequences."
Haru's head fell. His eyes became shadowed by the long hair that fell down his forehead. "Name them…"
The cat paused.
Haru stared at the floor for what felt like eternity. He could feel the heat and presence of Makoto standing beside him. He was still stunned that Makoto was here. It had only been weeks, but it really did feel like there had been years that passed between them. The hairs on the back of his neck stood on end as the brush crept there. They hadn't been too far apart anyways. They had kissed, touched after all. He moved to glance up at Makoto but stopped when he saw the serious expression he had on when the cat finally made a noise of affirmation.
"You two can return to the past. Right before graduation, the time before this all started."
Haru looked up, the corner of his mouth being pulled back into a smile. He couldn't help it. It was all he wanted.
"But…"
And of course, there had to be one.
"You two won't remember any of this."
Haru shook his head. "But what if we just make the same mistake again?"
Makoto shook his head. "We won't, we can't. I feel differently now. That has to translate somehow."
Haru wasn't so sure. "Can we be alone for a minute…while we think?"
The cat pondered it but nodded. "Alright. Just a few minutes. Meet me outside when you've decided." He smiled and headed outside of the shrine house, leaving Haru and Makoto standing alone in the dark room in the middle of brightly lit candles.
"What now?"
"Is this what you want?" Makoto asked, as he reached over and grabbed Haru's wrist, his thumb circled over the paper thin skin; the pad of his finger ghosted over the blue stream of veins.
Makoto watched as Haru looked at him with that electric spark in his eyes that Makoto had managed to learn how to read in all the years they had known each other. Makoto could deal with Haru's quiet nature. He could deal with Haru's way of saying one or two words and having it be enough, but that was only because Makoto could figure out everything that went unsaid in just a look, a glance.
"Yes," Haru said. Makoto already knew. "I just want to go back to the way things were before."
A memory wiped clean of the past few days. No Tokyo, no Kisumi, and no way of ever knowing that Haru and he had ever kissed, ever confessed. It would be the same as before: Makoto refusing to acknowledge Haru's unsaid words as he read Haru's silence, Haru giving him nothing but.
Makoto took in a deep breath. The way things were before. Would they ever be in this type of mindset again? Would they ever look at each other again and know it was okay to tell the other how much they really meant to them? Or would they continue to swim in their comfortable silence?
Either way, Makoto took Haru's warm palm in his and led him outside where the demon pawed at butterflies that flew in the air until he caught their eye.
"So, your decision then?" The demon asked as he looked over with a smile.
"We agree to your conditions." Makoto said, squeezing Haru's hand.
"Alright," he said. "I just hope this time, there are no regrets."
The cat-demon spoke, maybe some sort of enchantment that would take them back in time, but the words were muffled as if Makoto and Haru had their own world underneath the water's surface. They looked at each other, arms out in front of them as they clasped hands and the earth violently shook the same way it did the first time. The world began to melt away as they fell into the sun that heated up the blood of their bodies and replaced their eyes with sunspots.
And the days formed again under the heat of a bright, full sun that gave them back their youth, their days, but melted away the warm parts of their souls, their minds, that would give them the sense to look each other and know a love had been there once.
–
It was bright and Makoto held his arm up to shield his eyes. Summer was nearing. School was coming to an end. The sakura trees were in full blossom and Rin was going to be leaving to Australia soon on a scholarship. Sousuke, apparently, would not be joining him. And of futures, that was all Makoto Tachibana really knew.
He listened to the familiar sounds of water splashing and laughter. He looked over to see the familiar sight of Haru swimming his freestyle stroke, quiet, as usual. But there was a stiffness in the way he swam. It had been there for months. Something always urged him to look away, to focus on something else.
When Makoto and Haru walked up the familiar steps that led to each of their houses and the shrine, respectively, there was always something that urged Makoto to keep away from those few extra stairs that led past Haru's house to the shrine. He never knew what it was, but on the morning that Nagisa and Rei asked Haru and Makoto to join them, both boys seemed to come up, quickly, with a poor excuse as to why they couldn't.
Still, Makoto and Haru never discussed why. Just as they didn't discuss the crucial, important moments in their life like graduation and the way they felt that electricity spark between their fingertips as they rest on the floor, facing each other. Haru hugged a pillow to his chest because, Makoto figured, it was easier for Haru to keep enclosed on himself. A safety net he could fall into rather than take the jump off the deep end. That was why Makoto didn't kiss Haru that day, even when Haru's eyes were quietly wondering why Makoto wouldn't. And again, a million words were left unsaid, words that Makoto could read by Haru's eyes, but couldn't bring himself to make certain, make sure, that he read Haru the way he always figured he could.
–
Makoto curled his hand around the railing and Haru pulled his hand away. He flushed, looked away, and didn't miss the sideways glance that Makoto gave him. Had he seen, Haru wondered as he let his hands fall down to his sides.
They still hadn't talked. Makoto still hadn't asked. What are you planning to do after graduation?
And all Haru knew, and he wasn't sure how exactly he knew with such a certainty, that all he wanted out of his future was to be with Makoto. A future without him was not one he ever wanted the displeasure of experiencing. He wanted everything to stay the same. Change was terrifying. It was the only thing that could make him feel like he was drowning.
"The fireworks are going to start soon," Makoto said as he leaned his elbows against the top rail and looked up at the sky.
He wasn't smiling and it made Haru feel a sickness in his stomach that made him turn towards his friend. And then turn back, a flush on his cheeks as the cold wind bit at the back of his neck, made goose bumps appear along his smooth arms. "Haru..." Makoto began, pressed his lips together, hesitating. "You look cold." He shrugged off his coat and tried to hand it to Haru.
"I'm fine," he said, rubbing underneath his wet nose with the back of his hand as he sniffed. Besides, that coat looked better draped over the expanse of Makoto's strong shoulders. Haru looked at Makoto, and as if Makoto could read his thoughts, he shrugged the coat back on and turned back towards the sky paralleled to the ocean, met at the world-shattering horizon.
The light lit up as fireworks danced across the sky. Haru watched and tried to ignore the message the light wrote to him in the sky: Touch Makoto's hand and feel the familiar feeling of his fate lines in his palms as they fit into yours. Press your mouth to his because it's not the first time—but they hadn't ever, Haru thought—as his entire body felt the strengthened urge to make Makoto his before it was too late.
The fireworks were over as fast as they began and Haru looked down as the last of their glittering red fire dissolved into the ocean water. Haru let out a breath he hadn't known he'd been holding and turned to Makoto, his hands gripping the cold railing so hard his knuckles were white.
"That was beautiful, wasn't it?" Makoto said. That smile he wore looked forced. Haru could tell as much. He waited for Makoto to do anything, say anything. Any sort of sign. But Makoto stepped away from the railing and smiled. "Shall we?"
And Haru's freezing hands let go of the railing and he stepped away, facing Makoto, looking up at him with a look that he hoped could plead with Makoto to make a move. It was okay to talk, he wanted to say. Something told him it would be okay. Something told him that it was okay to talk about futures because the worst they feared had already happened. Something told him it was okay to steal each other's breath with a kiss.
But what that voice didn't help with was the hardest part of it all. How? How do they make that first move? Haru didn't know. Haru stepped away from Makoto and turned away to walk down the steps, across the beach, back to their homes where they'd part ways with a look in their eyes that said so much more than they could ever, ever say.
"Goodnight," Makoto said as he walked Haru to his door.
"Night," Haru said, choked, wanting so badly to say something else entirely. Tell him, it said. There was no reason to be afraid.
Haru watched as Makoto walked down the trail of steps slowly, his hand clutching onto the strap of his school bag. Before he could turn the spiraling pathway that led to his own house Haru called out to him. Makoto stopped all too suddenly, as if he had been waiting, and Haru let out a breath of relief with the way Makoto looked at him, smiled.
"I found something at the shrine the other day," Haru said as he pulled out a card from his sweater pocket. He had carried it on him ever since he had found it. He wanted to know that it was real. A lot of moments lately hadn't felt real. He'd been having some strange, vivid dreams for the past few weeks. He hadn't brought them up to Makoto, even if every single dream involved him, felt so tangible and real that Haru wasn't sure whether or not he was waking up with a tinge in his lips and a fire trailing over him for something that had only happened in a dream.
Makoto turned fully towards him and walked up the stairs with an urgency in his steps as he took two at a time. "The fortune?" He asked as he took his backpack off his shoulder and dug through it.
Haru's eyes widened when Makoto pulled out a card as well, a wavering in his eyes as he showed it to him. The recognizable symbols that laid out the fortune could be seen on one side, but Makoto flipped it around, and there written in Makoto's own scrawl was a message. The very same one that was written on Haru's in his own handwriting.
"Do you know what it means?"
"Not exactly, but it has to mean something. The same message. I've been having these dreams lately too."
"I…so have I," Haru said, blushing. The same dream. The same memories and wants. Could it really be so?
Makoto dropped the fortune to the floor and leaned forward, arms wrapping around Haru's shoulders as he leaned down. Haru closed his eyes and his heart began to stutter as Makoto's warm mouth found its way to his. He tasted unfamiliar, and yet his mouth felt recognizable all the same. How many times had they done this? How many first kisses had they actually had?
He wrapped his arms around Makoto's waist and kissed back with a desperation he wasn't sure was entirely appreciated. But the way Makoto's arms brought him closer, the way his mouth heated against his, tongue and teeth and wanting, it was more than Haru could have ever dreamed. Definitely better than he had ever dreamed before.
Haru pulled away, nose brushing against Makoto's and quietly he said, "Can we…go somewhere together after high school is over? Maybe a school in Tokyo? As long as we both go…together." He looked away, embarrassed, but felt Makoto's rough palm touch his cheek and turned his head to look into his eyes.
"I think that's all I ever wanted."
Haru smiled. The fortune didn't matter. Whatever had happened didn't matter.
For Haru, there were only two things that mattered. Two aspects of his life that held equal importance that he hoped he could meld together. That would make him happy, after all. A memory that could never be torn in two: Swimming alongside Makoto. Makoto at the end of his lane pulling him back up.
When Makoto smiled down at him and kissed him again, hands cupping his, he knew Makoto did feel the same.
Somewhere, years far and away, the cat demon watches, purrs, and smiles. True discovered happiness is hard to find. Makoto had given that to him when he was just a kitten, begging for food on the streets. And he's just happy to have given it back.