Sleeping. Having nightmares. Tying knots. Tying knots. Dreaming of home. Thinking of Annie. Tying knots. Tying knots. Mentally killing Snow. Imagining the trident Beetee made for me. Thinking of Annie again. Tying knots. Tying knots.

This pretty much describes my life at the bunkers.

Prim came two times with her cat when her sister was asleep. We consoled each other about our people. I kept telling her Peeta will be fine, and she kept telling me Annie will be fine. Will Annie be fine? No telling. She's no source of information, but if Snow can do anything… anything at all to torment me, he will, and he knows I know he will.

The first time in my life I felt like a father was when a bomb dropped when Prim was here. Prim was brave and there had been many bombs before this one the previous days, but this one was sudden and very strong. Prim automatically, really without thinking about it, jumped to my chest. I hugged her and told her she'll be okay, but inside I was feeling something strange. It was no longer fraternal, it was paternal. I'm only 12 years older than her but I felt, that instant, like I'm a father. Would I ever be a father?

Father. A word I always imagined but not fully. What will it mean to me to have a boy or a girl with green eyes… take them swimming and teach them fishing with a trident and tying knots? Maybe this is the only thing I'll really lose if I die young: To never know that feeling.

Katniss came once. It was at night, or so I thought.

"You're still awake?"

-"Trying not to sleep."

-"Why?"

-"Nightmares. They won't shut up."

She looks at me for seconds.

-"You, out of everybody, will understand. Prim said…."

-"Prim said?"

-"That Snow probably knows Peeta knows nothing at all. He's only keeping him there to hurt me… to break me was her exact word."

-"This doesn't surprise me, Katniss. I wonder why you didn't figure it out before. You're very important to us and Snow hates you very much that he'd try to break you on the inside as much as he can."

-"This is what they're doing to you with Annie, isn't it?"

-"Well, they didn't arrest her because they thought she'd be a wealth of rebel information. They know I'd never have risked telling her anything like that. For her own protection." I say. I know, ages ago, that it's true. It's so easy to figure out I wonder why even Prim figured it out before Katniss.

-"Oh, Finnick. I'm so sorry,"

-"No, I'm sorry. That I didn't warn you somehow."

She thinks for a while then says, "You did warn me, though. On the hovercraft. Only when you said they'd use Peeta against me, I thought you meant like bait. To lure me into the Capitol somehow."

I think about it. This was wrong. I waited till it was too late already and warned her. I realized now that I let the rebels use me to deceive Katniss, before the quell. I let them use me… just like the capitol did… as a part of their big machine. I shouldn't have waited, in fact, to be a part of 13th plan at all. I should have went to her on the beach when she came to my district on her victory tour, and said, "Katniss Everdeen, I'm a rebel and I want to go cause some trouble with you." I should have been really fighting now, with my people, the people of the districts. I don't belong here. I don't belong in the machine that uses people. I belong to the people. But, it's not safe to say all that here for all we know they might be somehow watching us, so I only say, "I shouldn't have said even that. It was too late for it to be of any help to you. Since I hadn't warned you before the Quarter Quell, I should've shut up about how Snow operates."

As a matter of fact, I didn't think Katniss loved Peeta back then. I still should have warned her, though, about the whole plan.

"It's just that I didn't understand when I met you. After your first Games, I thought the whole romance was an act on your part. We all expected you'd continue that strategy.

But it wasn't until Peeta hit the force field and nearly died that I…" I hesitated. What was the word? Misunderstood? Mistook?

-"That you what?"

-"That I knew I'd misjudged you." Yes, misjudged is the most correct word. "That you do love him. I'm not saying in what way. Maybe you don't know yourself. But anyone paying attention could see how much you care about him."

Inside, I knew how Katniss loved Peeta. It's just that I didn't want to miss things up for her. She is already in enough mess with Peeta and Gale. And who knows, really. If what I'm thinking is true, and the capitol succeeds to alter Peeta's feelings, then she realizes how she loves him, it'll torture her forever. No, I don't want anyone to live the torture I'm getting for loving Annie.

For a while, we're only silent and she watches me tying more and more knots.

"How do you bear it?" She said.

How can I bear it? Could anyone looking at me right now seriously think I'm dealing with it? I'm going down… I gave up fighting… I'm a resident in a hospital… most of the time I'm knocked down… Nightmares wake me up screaming… I'm doing nothing but tying knots. I remember a day when I was an athletic young man full of youth, yes sad but powerful… vengeful. Now I'm feeling older than Mags when she died.

"I don't, Katniss! Obviously, I don't. I drag myself out of nightmares each

morning and find there's no relief in waking." But when I looked in her face I realized it's only unfair to give her more and more despair… it's as if I'm telling her that she'll end up like me one day, and I won't let that happen to somebody I love.

-"Better not to give in to it. It takes ten times as long to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart." I say it thinking of how much my life proves this to be true.

"The more you can distract yourself, the better." I say. "First thing tomorrow, we'll get you your own rope. Until then, take mine."

I give her my rope. Before she leaves, she says, "Thank you for everything, Finnick."

-"I did nothing."

-"Even if you hadn't given me your rope, simply you're here. I doubt anybody else could understand but you, right? I'm lucky to have a friend like you."

-"Forever friends?" I ask, smiling. She smiles back.

-"Forever friends. And Finnick…" I look at her, deep in her eyes.

-"You're one of the reasons I'll try to change this world." She says it and leaves.

.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.

Finally, one day after that conversation, we went out of that place. I hated it… Claustrophobia killed me.

Before we left, I somehow succeeded to get a new rope. I gave it to Katniss and got back my old one.

As I was walking in line back to the hospital, I saw Boggs signal me with his hand to go to him, along with Gale Hawthorne who was three or four people behind me.

-"Why does he want us, do you think?"

-"Maybe they want us to shoot a propo or something." Then he shot me an unfriendly look.

What is wrong?

We still accompany each other to special defense.

A lot of people were gathered around the table including Coin herself, Plutarch, Fulvia, Haymitch and Cressida. I smell coffee, and the smell alone feels like it's giving me back my old soul. Coffee… my favorite drink from my old life.

Plutarch says something about shooting a footage and I'm barely listening… the smell of the drink sent me back in time. An old morning… years ago… Annie and I went downstairs in one of the most beautiful mornings ever to find Mags ready with breakfast and coffee.

Once I hear Plutarch ask if there are any questions, I say, "Can we have a coffee?"

We sit, and they offer us cups. The sight of the cup alone was enough to give me some comfort. I see Katniss, though, staring at her black drink without a real appetite. Of course, if she never added anything to it, how can she discover its beauty? I add two spoons of cream to her coffee and ask her, for some reason, with the seductive purr I haven't used ages ago, "Want a sugar cube?" Perhaps because the first time we met, and the first time I asked her that, was with that voice. She seems to remember the same too, and she smiles as I add 3 to her cup before she nods or gives a yes, "Here, it improves the taste."

We're sent out until the prep team is done putting Katniss in her Mockingjay outfit and make up. Gale still shoots me some unhappy looks. If I may start making guesses, he might be starting to think there's something between Katniss and I, for some reason. Maybe because we've been together a lot for the last few days.

But Katniss is Peeta's (Or Gale's) woman, and I'm Annie's man. Nothing other than friendship can bring Katniss and me together. What brought us together, in fact, is the same sort of suffering that we're both having… the understanding for each other's pain. It's just like what brought Prim and I together is the need of a friend… a sibling. Someone to talk to.

I won't say a thing to him, though. This is Katniss' problem and his. Who knows how she prefers to deal with it? Better not interfere.

Katniss is finally done, and we escort her, Boggs, Cressida and her team to aboveground. Once we arrive there, I take a deep breath of air desiring to die after it. We walk, and in front of the Justice Building, we see a little message. To Katniss, it was. Freshly cut red and pink roses… Snow. It's his genetically altered flowers. I recognize them by smell and I almost vomit.

What does this mean? What is he doing to Annie… to Peeta… to Johanna? Peeta gave away the plan to attack us and he's Katniss' man, Annie's mine and I know Snow wants to destroy me, and Johanna knew the rebels' secret plan. I can't think of some kind of torturing method that perhaps Snow didn't use on them.

I start shaking… and I feel like I'll pass out. I'm barely aware what those around me are saying. Cressida seems to want Katniss to say something for the propo, but Katniss looks just like me; barely ready for anything. She looks at me asking for support, so I give her a thumbs-up. I might be giving her support, but I doubt, however, my case is much better.

Katniss' pain mirrored mine. In the end, when she failed to repeat Cressida's sentence, she broke down crying hysterically.

"What's wrong with her?" Asks Plutarch.

-"She's figured out how Snow's using Peeta."

They all reach out to her, hug her, I would have done the same if I, myself, were not about to collapse. In the end, I did. I collapsed to the floor, cried, screamed, and felt the pain of a stick in my arm, drugging me.

.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.

The world of drugs is beautiful, I must admit. Morphling means sleep without dreams… without nightmares. Only a peaceful darkness which resembles death. Death… my one and only wish.

I'll never be addicted to drugs, though. It's this momentary fake pleasure and once you wake up from it… awaits your burning reality. Better solve your problems slowly and give them your full mind than turn around from them, to discover at one point of your life, when you're forced to wake up, that you have dozens of them unsolved.

"Finnick… Finnick! Wake up. I'm sorry, please wake up."

The voice sneaks into the darkness and breaks the silence.

-"Katniss?"

-"It's me, Finn."

-"I want to die."

-"Me too." She whispers.

Eventually, she succeeds to wake me up. There must be something important, or I'll be seriously angry. Why would you people wake me from the death! This is not fair!

"Haymitch was here. He said they're sending a rescue team."

-"A rescue team?"

-"To the capitol. They'll get Peeta, Annie and Johanna. Beetee put the plan. This is all Haymitch told me."

I see something darker, deeper in her eyes other than the effect of the good news.

-"Katniss… what's wrong?"

-"Gale is with them. Boggs leads the team. If they're discovered, they'll slaughter them all. The team, Peeta, Annie, Johanna… everybody. I'm so sorry, Finnick."

Why is she sorry? Now something changes about the way I think: Which is better, Annie being tortured by the capitol, constantly in pain, living with no relief, just like me, or dead? Which is the option I prefer for myself, endless, unbearable pain or death? Definitely death… for both of us. Yes, if she dies I'll follow, but isn't that better than waiting in this world? It's the same thought that motivated me before the quell: Death over pain, over loss.

Of course, the more beautiful probability is: They come back to us, all safe. Yet I won't dare to get my hopes up to lose her by the end of the day.

-"Don't you see, Katniss, this will decide things. One way or the other. By the end of the day, they'll either be dead or with us. It's...it's more than we could hope for!"

Katniss thinks about it for seconds when suddenly Haymitch breaks in.

-"You two, if you could actually bear getting out of this bed… you could do something of use. We still need a footage proving to the people that we're alive. If we can get it in the next few hours, Beetee can air it leading up to the rescue, and maybe keep the Capitol's attention elsewhere."

Perfect idea. Just as I imagine it: Katniss and I anger Snow on TV, distracting him from the rescue.

-"Yes, a distraction." I say. "A decoy of sorts."

-"What we really need is something so riveting that even President Snow won't be able to tear himself away. Got anything like that?"

Well, let's think about it.

.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.

"Finnick, will you please help me with something here?" said Plutarch.

Katniss has been doing great with her tape. She talked about her love for Peeta and their relationship, the probability of his death and her feelings towards Snow.

-"Sure."

Haymitch comes to listen.

-"I know this might be hard for you, but… maybe you don't mind telling people what happened to you in the capitol?"

-"What do you mean?" But I know exactly what he means. I feel my face go pale and my energy fades. I was about to faint.

-"Well, you know… the deals Snow engaged you with. I'm so sorry to ask you that, but we need something attractive to the audience. You know, people die to hear that sort of things."

I was bought and sold as a prostitute! Forcibly, also! Hello Panem, you like that?

Haymitch finally speaks.

-"Plutarch, are you kidding? Don't you see his condition, already? He's barely there at all!"

-"But he must be ready to sacrifice a little for out cause, right, Finnick?"

-"Yes." Then I imagine this speech holding Snow to his seat, getting Annie and the others out of there alive. I like the idea better. "Yes, absolutely, Plutarch."

I head to take a seat before the camera. Katniss looks at me questioning what I'll say. I'm barely paying any attention to the world around, when Haymitch tells me I don't have to do this, I flatly answered him that I'll help with the best I can.

I'm scared. I might just faint in front of the camera… or my mouth goes dry and I choke… but I got myself ready. I won't fail the only thing that I can help with.

I'll just try to deal with it from a distance, as if it's Cashmere's or Enobaria's story, and I'm only telling it. As if this didn't happen to me.

"President Snow used to...sell me..." I felt like being more specific. "My body, that is. I wasn't the only one. If a victor is considered desirable, the president gives them as a reward or allows people to buy them for an exorbitant amount of money. If you refuse, he kills someone you love. So you do it. I wasn't the only one, but I was the most popular. And perhaps the most defenseless, because the people I loved were so defenseless. To make themselves feel better, my patrons would make presents of money or jewelry, but I found a much more valuable form of payment. Secrets."

I bet Plutarch only wanted the prostitution story, but didn't know about the secrets. Let's get him to like it even better.

"And this is where you're going to want to stay tuned, President Snow, because so very many of them were about you. But let's begin with some of the others."

And, I spilt them all.

Dark secrets. Embarrassing secrets. Funny secrets. Strange secrets. The weirdest things I was asked to do by my patrons and the secrets of their relationships or their money. I swear I could hear the echo of the whispers in the capitol right here. The secrets I enjoyed telling the most were Snow himself's. How he poisoned his enemies and his allies who threatened his positions and how he rose to power. I finish, yet they keep the cameras rolling as if they want more. But I have no more. I say only "Cut."

Only after I finished I felt how much this affected me. I was breaking on the inside and somehow I succeeded to pull up a strong look on the outside.

In the morning I felt like I wouldn't get my hopes up in fear of them being crushed unmercifully, but now I feel like if Annie doesn't come here alive, I'll just kill myself and end it all.

.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.

In Command, late at night, Katniss and I stationed. We tied knots… only tied knots. I passed the whole day with half a mind… only when the time of the rescue mission came I started to face reality.

I do realize I'm holding on to life with a rope, but at least I am holding on at all, right? No one can blame me.

Tonight I get Annie back or we both die.

"Did you love Annie right away, Finnick?" said Katniss.

I remember our first years. The shy distant friend. Then the ones right after the games, then the ones we finally confessed our love, or even felt it at all. I'm pretty sure before the age of 16, Annie was just my sweet little friend.

-"No." I tie a knot then I add, "She crept up on me."

Katniss and I speak no more and we tie more and more knots.

A while passes before Haymitch breaks into the room… again. This time, we looked at him as if he can't talk fast enough to satisfy our impatience.

"They're back. We're wanted in the hospital. That's all I know."

Annie's with me. Annie's here. I got her back. It's as if my body decides to have its last break down right before it touches its salvation. I feel unable to move, as if my legs were paralyzed… a feeling similar to the feeling the fog left in me in the quarter quell. I can't even break the thought to my head… I'm afraid I'm dreaming and when I'll wake up I won't be able to handle reality and I'll kill myself. Maybe I never woke up since the time they gave me that sedative? Maybe it's all a long, drugged hallucination? But Katniss is helping me walk and it's only minutes before we're at the hospital. And once I'm at the hospital, I see her, I pay attention to no details, I simply look into her eyes as I hear her cry, "Finnick!"

.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.