Chapter 13: Acceptance
Dying. It changes more than you would think. Six months left. Maybe six if everything goes well.
Personally though, it doesn't really change my life. I have been getting myself ready for this time most of my life. Each time anything would happen, there was always the thought in the back of my head, that feeling that those breaths may be my last. I have already accepted death though. It isn't something to be afraid of, it happens to everyone. It's not that depressing either. Really, it has taught me to appreciate things. Every moment, everything I get to do, I truly enjoy it, because I know that it may it may not last.
It's my family that it has affected the most, especially my parents. I mean, I thought it was weird to have Tommy and Rachel cease arguing in front of me and have them doing more things for me. Rachel even asked if Donnie and I wanted to go do something with her and Gerald. We are all four going to a dinner and movie next weekend by the way, which is pretty cool. Anyways, Jessica has been even more quiet, which, I really didn't think she could get any quieter. She looks at me differently though, treats me more fragile than I really am. Then, there's mom and dad. Daddy has been taking more pills than normal lately, he's been grumpier, not to me, he bites his tongue when it comes to me. It's everyone else that he is being mean to. He snaps so easily. Mom is stressed out lately. She snaps pretty easily too. Even though she's been better with everyone than daddy has been, I'm worried about her. Last night, she thought that she was alone in her room while everyone else was out. I had just come up stairs and heard her crying.
Gabrielle lately has been spending a lot of time with mom and daddy. The last three Sundays, she has been over here. It's like a schedule now. She'll take daddy out somewhere and talk to him alone and then she'll come back and talk to mom. This Saturday though, she is planning on taking me out and helping me with my bucket list. She won't tell me which ones I'll be able to cross off yet though, she wants me to be surprised.
Elisabeth sat up and set her pen down. Nearly a month had passed since she found out about her time left. One month down, and six to go. Not the best way to put it, but that was really how she thought about it.
Standing up, she sighed and closed her journal. It was almost dinner time and she knew that she would be called down in a few moments, so she figured that she would go ahead and get down there now.
Getting down there, she saw the normal setting. House on the couch, blankly staring. Tommy was next to him, working on homework. Rachel was on the floor, reading a magazine. Jessica off in the corner reading a book. She walked over and sat down in the empty chair.
"Hey Ellie," Rachel greeted, briefly smiling up from her magazine.
Elisabeth waved to her and then looked over to House. He was staring in the direction of the tv, but it wasn't even turned on. Right now was one of those moments that she wished that she could talk. Call over to him, get his attention, and tell him that it was okay. Tell him that she missed the old him.
Instead of staying there and watching him like that though, she got up and headed for the kitchen. Cuddy was standing at the sink, rinsing off lettuce for a salad.
As soon as she heard her enter, Cuddy looked over her shoulder and smiled to her. "Hi sweetie," she said and then turned back to the sink. "I'll talk to you in a second, just let me finish this."
Elisabeth nodded. That was something that kinda bothered her too at times. In order to talk to her, people had to stop what they were doing and completely pay attention to her. The people around her though were happy to do it.
Cuddy finished and then completely turned around. "Anything you wanted to talk about?" she questioned.
Elisabeth smiled and leaned forward. She went ahead and told Cuddy what she felt she needed to tell everyone. She didn't want people to worry about her. She wasn't scared and she wasn't feeling sorry for herself.
Cuddy heavily sighed. Her solemn eyes closely watching her daughter, finding it odd that she found reason to look to her with concern. She walked over and sat down across from her at the table. The same sweet little girl that she had watched grow up for the past twelve years. Her fearless little girl. She had always hated to see others around her scared or upset. She could remember when Elisabeth was only two, and she had just found out that she was pregnant with Tommy.
(Cuddy was alone with the kids while House called back to the hospital. There wasn't much blood, but just enough to scare her. Quickly, she rushed down the stairs and grabbed her phone from her purse. House was busy and she knew that Gabrielle was just up the road, so she called her to come home and watch the kids while she left. At this time, the living room was child proof and gated in.
Trying to calm herself down, she sat down on the couch and watched as Rachel, Elisabeth, and Jessica played some sort of made up game with the giant puzzle pieces that were scattered around on the floor. Though there were still tears forming in her eyes, she forced a smile.
Elisabeth looked up to her, and saw something wrong. The tiny girl toddled over and climbed up onto the couch.
"Hi honey," Cuddy greeted as cheerfully as she could. She put her arm around the child to support her as she stood up on the couch beside her.
Elisabeth hugged her as tightly as she could and then kissed her on the cheek.
"Love you too," Cuddy replied, smiling to her.)
She still had no idea as to whether or not Elisabeth actually knew something was wrong, or if it was just a coincidence. Either way, she had always managed to find a way to cheer her up whenever something was wrong. There were times when she would go into the hospital to see Elisabeth, and the second she would walk in, the little girl sit up in the bed, brightly smiling as if nothing were wrong and waved to everyone who came in.
"I really am glad that you're not scared. You never were afraid of anything though, so I guess I should have already known that," Cuddy started.
It was getting hard to look her in the eyes. She felt guilty anymore. Her daughter, her sick daughter and there was nothing that she could do for her. And here she was, sitting here, feeling concerned over her.
Cuddy looked down at the table and took a moment to try and hold herself together. "And I am sorry if we have been bothering you with any new attention or behaviors," she said. It was getting harder and harder to speak. This was the first time that she had actually talked to Elisabeth about this. She was finally taking another step away from the comfort of denial.
"But, you have to remember too, we don't want to lose you. And as selfish as it is, I don't want to lose you," Cuddy barely choked out. She took another moment and tried to calm herself down. "You mean a lot to this family, and we're just trying to cope with the fact that you won't be here anymore."
Elisabeth bit her lip and looked up to Cuddy, feeling bad over even bringing it up. Standing up, she went around the table and stood beside Cuddy, and told her that she was still there before wrapping her arms around her.
Cuddy nodded as she hugged her back. "I know," she responded through tears.
As soon as Cuddy pulled back and went back to preparing dinner, Elisabeth went back out into the living room. She really needed to talk to everyone else, especially House.
She went over and grabbed his hand, waiting for him to respond.
"What?" he mumbled, still staring forward.
Elisabeth then slightly tugged on his arm and finally got him to look over. "What is it?" he asked, more gently this time.
Elisabeth motioned for him to go out on the porch with her. He obliged and they both went outside. Alone. That was the only way that she figured she could talk to him. She told him the same thing that she had told Cuddy, hoping to at least spark something in him.
House just stared to her. "You want me to stop caring that you're dying?" he questioned, more bitter than he had intended.
Elisabeth sighed and shook her head. She explained that she didn't want him destroying himself over her.
House turned away from her and looked out towards the street. "Right. It's just that easy," he sneered. "You basically want me to pretend that there's nothing wrong while everything's crashing down."
Elisabeth looked up to him and waited for him to look back. She told him that she hated the idea of spending her final months with him slowly killing himself before her. It wasn't real obvious, and it wasn't deliberate, but it was happening, and she hated it.
House just looked at her. This was all already hard enough to take, and here she was making him feel even worse. "Look, why don't you just go suck some pity out of the rest of the family and let me do my own damn thing. I don't tell you how to react to death, and you sure as hell have no right to tell me how to take this," he snapped.
Elisabeth stood there and ignored his reaction. Instead, she leaned over and hugged him. She didn't expect him to do anything, but it didn't matter.
House looked down to her and slowly reached for her shoulder. "If you were more of a spoiled brat this might be a bit easier," he informed her.
Elisabeth pulled back and offered him a smile. Her actions now would not change what he was about to do. He was too stubborn for that, but at least she did try. If anything, he would watch himself more around her, which might get him to lay off the pills a tiny bit. Hopefully.