Chapter 14: Understanding
Gabrielle sat in the kitchen with House and Cuddy. It was the morning that she was going to help Elisabeth cross off the first item on her list. It was bittersweet as she waited for the kids to get ready to leave.
"You two think that you could let her do stupid things for a while?" Gabrielle questioned as she watched Cuddy prepare herself a cup of coffee.
"We let you do plenty of stupid things," House responded.
Cuddy grabbed her cup and sat down at the table with the two. "I guess at this point there's nothing really to lose," she flatly stated.
Gabrielle sat there for a moment and watched the two, they were distant from each other. They were going to be alone with each other all day, and she was starting to wonder how well that was actually going to work. She looked over to House who was playing with the handle of his cane that was propped up against the side of the table.
"Daddy? You think I could talk to you a moment?" she requested, hoping that he wouldn't argue too much.
House looked up to her with annoyance. He knew what she was about to talk to him about, and that was truly the last thing that he wanted to talk about right now. "All right," he reluctantly sighed. "Let's just get this over with."
Cuddy sat there and watched as the two got up and left the room together. She was supposed to be the one that was talking to him about all of this, she was supposed to be the one to be able to get through to him. Instead Gabrielle was having to drag him outside and force everything out of him. At least maybe after she finally gets to him, he would start opening up to her. Right now they needed each other more than ever and it scared her that they were slowly pushing each other away. It made her wonder what was going to happen when Elisabeth really did die.
Andy walked in and passed Gabrielle as she left with House. He looked over to Cuddy with concern. "Everything okay?" he implored, motioning towards the door.
"I hope so," Cuddy replied. "I think she just wants to tell him to stop being stupid."
Andy laughed. "She tells me that all the time," he remarked, hoping to lighten the mood.
Cuddy softly laughed. "She tells everyone that." She then looked up to him. "Where's Jason at?"
"Rachel and Tommy have him. I think they're trying to brain wash him into something," Andy explained.
Cuddy nodded and then took a sip of her coffee. "Come here," she instructed, motioning for him to sit down.
Andy obliged. "What is it?" he questioned.
Cuddy set her cup down and leaned in a little closer. "How is Gabi really doing? I know when she comes here, she's all smiles and willing to talk to everyone and do anything," she started. "But, I want to know whether or not she's actually okay."
Andy shrugged. He thought back to the day that she had come home crying, but that was the only time that she had really shown any emotion over what was going on. Other than that, they talked about it a few times. "She hasn't really reacted much yet, but she won't go over board this time. I've been keeping an eye on her," he assured her.
"Okay," Cuddy responded, relieved. That was one less person that she had to watch. She was busy enough trying to keep things stable around here, and so far with House, she was failing. She then looked up to him, tired, weary eyes. "Can I trust you with something?"
She could see right away how quickly she could make him feel awkward. Andy wasn't all that close with either of her parents, but she needed someone to talk to that wasn't completely stressed out over what was going on.
"Sure," Andy said, slightly uncomfortable.
Cuddy sat back in her chair. "I'm afraid that Tommy is going to turn out to handle this just like Greg and Gabi," she informed him.
"What exactly do you think he's going to do?" Andy implored. He could understand why she was worried, but he was still a little boy. He couldn't see him going to any extent that he had seen Gabrielle sink to. He had only heard stories from Gabrielle about the things that House has done, but he couldn't see Tommy doing those either.
"I don't know," Cuddy desperately sighed. "That's part of the problem."
Andy allowed himself to relax a little, and sat back. "You try talking to him?" he asked.
Cuddy just looked up to him, her eyebrow raised.
"Right," Andy said. "He's like Gabi, so, he won't talk."
Cuddy nodded. She then looked up to Andy. "Maybe you can talk to him," she suggested.
Andy shrugged. "I guess I could," he answered. "We are going to be on a beach all day without much else to do."
"Thank you," Cuddy said and then stood up. "And please let me know if he says anything that sounds questionable."
"I will," Andy promised.
Meanwhile, Gabrielle stepped out on the porch, leading House. He closed the door behind him and crossed over to lean against the railing. "Yes?" he asked, hoping to speed this up.
Gabrielle folded her arms and smiled to him. "I think you already know," she stated.
House shrugged. "Then I guess we really have nothing to talk about," he responded.
Gabrielle leaned back against the house. "I think you're smarter than that," she told him.
House sighed. "Fine. Tell me that my daughter is dying and that I need to talk to Lisa about it. Please, I'm not aware of what's going on," he sneered.
Gabrielle rolled her eyes. "Is it possible that you might just need her as much as she needs you?" Gabrielle implored.
"Is it possible that you might be sticking your nose somewhere that it doesn't belong?" he mocked her.
Gabrielle stood up and stepped closer to House. "Come on daddy, I'm worried about you, and I should know when to worry. I do basically the same thing you do. Denial, isolation, and then self destruction," she explained.
"I'm still here," House announced. "I am here, helping to take care of my dying daughter."
Gabrielle just stared to him, wondering how long he was going to keep this up.
"I personally fail to see how I am denying the situation and isolating myself," he said.
"Just think about this," Gabrielle started as she grabbed his arm. "As bad as you feel about all of this. Everything that you are feeling, Lisa feels it too. She just has a different way of dealing with it. A more rational way."
House narrowed his eyes on her. "I thought you were smarter than that," he responded. "Crying about something that you can't change and dwelling on it is not rational. If anything it's just plain delusional to think that you're helping yourself that way."
"It's rational because she doesn't hold it all in until she does something stupid enough to risk her life on something that she can't do anything about, especially while everyone else needs you," Gabrielle sternly argued.
She saw something in his eyes, something changed. "Everyone here is going to be a wreck in about six months, and they are going to need you. You are going to need Lisa, and she is going to need you, and your children are going to need the both of you. If you don't want to lose everything, I would seriously consider changing the way that you are dealing with this. Lisa isn't like me. She won't come back to you no matter what. To me, you could be a murderer and I would still want you in my life. Lisa will let you get away with hell and will tolerate a lot of crap from you, but I guarantee you that she does have a limit."
"You saying that you love me more?" he snarkily remarked, trying to convince himself that everything she just said was wrong.
"I'm saying that you can abuse me more because I've lived with it my entire life. I think she was a bit luckier and expects, and needs a little more from you," Gabrielle answered.
House just blankly stared to her. "Fine," he said and then grabbed his cane and went back into the house.
Gabrielle stood there and watched him, hoping that she did get through to him, just a little bit.
ooo
Everyone got out of the car. Elisabeth stepped out and gazed out to the ocean. It was cool outside, and there was a breeze, but she knew what Gabrielle was going to have her do today.
"Come here!" Gabrielle called out to her from behind the trunk.
Elisabeth obeyed her and went to join her. She saw Gabrielle holding up a lime green one piece bathing suit with a strap that only went over the right shoulder. It was her favorite color, and she did like the style of it. Teasingly though, she asked Gabrielle if she thought that she wasn't good looking enough to pull off a two piece.
Gabrielle laughed and handed her the bathing suit. "Just change and get your ass in that water. Right now is as warm as it's going to get today so I would hurry up if I were you," she told her.
Elisabeth smiled and accepted the gift. She knew that she was about to freeze, but she also knew that this would be her last chance, and there was no way that she was about to pass it up. Not now, it was too late to be missing opportunities and forming regrets.
"Good," Gabrielle said and then watched her get back into the car.
While Gabrielle was over talking to Elisabeth, Andy took Jason over to Rachel and Jessica as the two stood there, watching the ocean. "You two think you can show Jason how to build a sand castle?" he questioned.
"Sure," Rachel answered.
Jessica leaned down and grabbed the little boy's hand. "Come here with us," she instructed. They both lead the little boy a little further away from the car and more towards the ocean where the sand was more wet.
Andy then looked over towards Tommy. He was off by himself, sitting on the sand further down the beach, away from everyone else. Expressionlessly staring out towards the ocean. He knew what Cuddy wanted him to do for her, and he really did want to help, but it just didn't feel right. Either way though, he took a deep breath and then forced himself to walk over to him.
"So, Tommy," he uncomfortably started.
"What is it?" Tommy asked, not moving to look to him.
"I just wanted to see how things were going with you. You know, see how you were handling everything," Andy explained.
Tommy looked over to him. "I may be a kid, but I'm not that stupid. Someone's worried about me and wanted you to try and get something out of me," he stated.
"Why do you say that?" Andy implored.
"We talk, but we never talk about anything like that. You were one of the only people that seemed to understand that I don't like discussing my feelings. Mom was worried about me though, and something tells me that Gabi's probably worried too. Both people that you have talked to today," Tommy explained.
"Only because they care about you, and don't want you doing anything stupid," Andy replied. "Your mom is a little stressed out, and she has seen your dad and Gabrielle both act stupidly after certain things and she just doesn't want you to do the same."
"What? The pills? I don't have any pills that I could pop," Tommy defensively argued.
"Maybe you had better just talk to Gabi. I don't think that she would be too bothered if you just waited for her," Andy suggested. He knew that she could handle the conversation better, and she could give him examples. She could talk to him on a more personal level.
"That's what I thought," Tommy informed him.
Rachel and Jessica sat with Jason as they tried to build a sand castle with him. While Rachel attempted to form a tower while Jessica sat Jason on her lap.
"Stop trying to eat the sand," Jessica ordered, grabbing his sand filled hand and forcing it away from his mouth.
"I don't think that he cares," Rachel stated. She sat back and smiled at her tower.
Before anything could be added to the sand, Jason took his hand and destroyed it. "Look!" he joyfully laughed. "All gone."
Rachel slowly looked from the pile of sand, up to Jason and glared to him in disbelief. "Yes, yes it is all gone," she agreed with disappointment.
Gabrielle walked pass the three along with Elisabeth, who was already starting to get cold. "Sorry about your masterpiece there," Gabrielle apologized.
Rachel glared up to her. "You don't understand!" she called out to her.
Gabrielle just laughed as she and Elisabeth made their way over to the edge of the ocean. "Now," Gabrielle said. "Here is your chance."
Elisabeth looked at the water for a moment and then shrugged. There was a towel waiting for her, and a blanket for when she got changed back into her clothes.
Without any more hesitation, she went ahead and got into the water. It was freezing, but it was only going to get colder for a while. By the time that it would start warming up in the Spring, it would be too late.
Gabrielle started to laugh as Elisabeth attempted to get used to the water. "A little cold there?" she questioned.
Andy walked over and wrapped his arm around Gabrielle. "You have a minute?" he requested.
"Yeah, what is it?" she replied, picking up on his tone of concern.
"I think you should go over and talk to Tommy. Lisa told me that he's starting to get her nervous," he explained.
Gabrielle nodded. "I see. Daddy's little shadow is starting to pick up on his ways?" she clarified.
"That's it," Andy answered.
Gabrielle took one last look over to Elisabeth and then started towards Tommy. She knew that he would handle things just like House, he did just about everything else like he did.
"I was waiting for you," Tommy announced as soon as he noticed her coming towards him.
"I'm sure you were. I saw you talking to Andy earlier," she responded as she sat down beside him.
"I want to let you know before you even try this. I have nothing to talk about," Tommy stubbornly stated.
Gabrielle nodded. "That's fine," she replied. "I have something to tell you though, and think you should really listen to this."
Tommy looked up to her with some interest. "Go for it," he announced.
Gabrielle sighed. "You seem to handle things like daddy and I do. That's not a good thing. When ever anything goes wrong, we have the tendency to pretend that there's nothing wrong, find a way to distract ourselves from what's going on. That's all fine and dandy in the beginning, but if you let it go too long, things happen. You can do what I did, and become wreckless, and stop caring about things and do what ever it takes to just forget about the problem. Or, you can do what daddy does and do everything in your power to make yourself numb. Do anything to erase the pain. Either way, it can destroy you. If you're not careful you can end up doing something really stupid, even costing yourself your own life," she explained.
Tommy looked up to her. "Yeah?" he asked, not really understanding how bad things could get.
"I wouldn't lie about that," she assured him.
"What's the most stupid thing you've done?" he implored.
Gabrielle thought for moment. How much did she really want to share with a little kid. He did seem more mature than most kids. These were still part of those things that she wanted to keep to herself though. Then again, might convince him to handle things a little better. After she mentally argued with herself, she decided to go ahead and tell him. "You promise you won't share this with your sisters?" she asked.
Tommy nodded, intently waiting for her to tell him.
"I tried to kill myself. I kept to myself when my aunt gave me a letter, stating that I was part of the reason that my mom had wanted to kill herself at one time while she was drinking. After I read that letter, I hid in my room and then later on, I went and found daddy's pills and tried to kill myself," Gabrielle told him. "I don't want you to try anything like. Ever," she sternly warned.
"I got it," Tommy answered.
"Good, because I think we all might just love you," Gabrielle said.
ooo
House limped through the living room on his way to go upstairs. He stopped though as soon as he saw Cuddy sitting on the couch. Gabrielle's words were going through his head. Although he had been trying to convince himself that she was wrong, he knew that she was right. He could screw up everything that he had if he continued to push Cuddy away.
This was his chance to try and save everything. Carefully, he went and joined her on the couch. "So, the kids are gone," he awkwardly started.
Cuddy looked up and smirked to him. "Sorry Greg, I'm just not in the mood right now," she replied.
Greg sighed. "If you would get your mind out of the gutter, I would be asking you how you are doing right now," he stated.
Cuddy shrugged. "I'm okay," she answered. "Not the best right now, but I'm okay." Her eyes then studied him, trying to see how he was doing before she asked him the same question. "You've been awful quiet lately," she started.
"Not much to say," he responded.
"Not much to say? Or not much that you want to say?" she asked.
House looked down to her. There was a lot that he didn't want to admit right now. There was a lot going on that he wished wasn't real, but he wasn't about to unload all of that on her. "There is nothing to say," he flatly answered. "She's dying and there's nothing we can do about it."
Cuddy's expression softened. "You find nothing wrong with that?" she asked, fully knowing that he did.
"Everything's wrong with that, but I can't fix it," he gruffly explained.
Cuddy sat back in the couch and sighed. "I wish you could," she said.
House looked over and put his arm around her, pulling her closer to him. "So do I," he admitted. "Every damn day."
"Sometimes I wish that she wasn't sick," Cuddy started with tears forming
Now perplexed, House looked down to her. He wanted to talk, but he figured that he had better just let her go.
"And then sometimes, only sometimes, I wonder what it would have been like if she wouldn't have been born. What it would have been like without having to constantly worry, without having to always go to the hospital, wondering whether or not she'll make it. Constantly hearing how she has less and less time. Growing attached to someone that you're just going to lose within a short amount of time," she confessed and then met his eyes with hers. Tears falling down her cheeks. "And right now, we would not be going through this."
House took his other arm and embraced her. That feeling was one that he had a few times, it was the same thing that he and Gabrielle had discussed years back when Elisabeth was a baby.
"I am the worst mother ever. I love Elisabeth, I really do, and I am going to hate losing her, but there are times that I wish that none of us had to go through this and the easiest way for me to picture that is without Elisabeth being here," she admitted.
"Yes, you're clearly a complete failure because you hate suffering," House remarked.
Cuddy rolled her eyes. "I think you missed the point."
"No I didn't. You hate seeing your little girl suffer. If she wasn't here, she wouldn't be suffering," he explained.
"She wouldn't be suffering if she wasn't sick," Cuddy stated.
"Since she's always been sick, you can't think of her as healthy," House explained. "You don't know what she would sound like if she could talk and you don't know what she would do if she could breathe better."
Cuddy just sighed and rested her head on his chest. She didn't want to talk anymore, all she wanted to do was just try and forget. It was impossible for her, but she at least wanted to try.
House started gently rubbing her back. "I'm pretty sure that she's aware that you love her," he assured her. Out of everything that there was for her to worry about the last thing that he wanted her stressing out over was whether or not she had been a good mother to Elisabeth.
The one that he worried about was him. Had he been there for Elisabeth? When she was in the hospital or even just really sick, he would freak out, he would get away from the situation to try and avoid seeing what was right there. Within all the selfishness, did Elisabeth see that he was gone all those times? Did she feel betrayed by that? Hurt?
Every time, he had always told himself that next time would be different, that he would be there. Each time though, he failed. He would get scared, scared of seeing her sick, scared of losing her.
House was brought back to reality when he felt Cuddy reach up and comfortingly grab his shoulder. Looking down at her, he saw that she was staring forward, with the same blank look. He didn't say anything to her. Instead, he planted a small kiss on the top of her head and then lead his head back and closed his eyes.