The Eyes Have It

Chapter Twenty Four - Breakdown

It had been several days since the accident and John's condition was not improving. He still had no feeling in his legs and couldn't move them on his own. He was getting extremely restless and frustrated that he couldn't get any definite answers from anyone. His doctors told him that they still didn't know the full extent of his injury or when he would recover. They were still doing scans and tests and examining the results.

Marlena was doing her best to remain upbeat like everything was going to be just fine, but she could see John's mood changing as he became more and more frustrated. She urged him to be patient...that once he was strong enough, they would begin intense physical therapy and she'd have him back on his feet in no time. John didn't really believe her, but he tried to play along. He hated what this was doing to her and he felt incredibly guilty. He was convinced that it was because of his own actions against Kiriakis that had caused all this and the thought that she could have been killed was eating him up inside.

Marlena spent every waking moment scanning the Internet and pouring through medical journals, just hoping to find that miracle cure and when it was determined that John was healed enough to start moving around, she started him on every kind of therapy and exercise that she could find. Sometimes she helped him and sometimes he had a physical therapist. She worked tirelessly and refused to give up hope, even when John became angry and upset. Marlena knew what this was doing to John. He had always been the strong one, the man in charge who took care of everyone else. He couldn't stand being helpless and dependent on others. Marlena was determined to be the strong one now. She was tough on John when she needed to be and refused to break down in front of him, no matter how difficult it was to watch him struggle.

After several weeks of physical therapy and very little improvement, John was becoming extremely depressed. He had regained some feeling in his legs, but he still couldn't move them on his own. Marlena was finding it very difficult to remain strong and optimistic. She knew that John's depression was natural and she was trained to deal with it, but it took everything she had to remain objective with John and it was killing her to see him like this. Even showing him the newspapers about the collapse of Kiriakis Enterprises didn't cheer him up. (Victor had fled the country before he could be arrested.)

John was becoming more and more distant and kept trying to push Marlena away. He had already asked her to stop sleeping in his room at night because she was always fussing over him and he couldn't stand her seeing how helpless he was. But she was there every morning and every evening and several times during the day. And in fact, she was usually sleeping in her office just one floor below him.

One afternoon, when Marlena walked into John's room, he was especially quiet. He was sitting in a wheelchair, looking out the window. As Marlena fussed about the room, picking things up, moving things around and chatting to John, he didn't say a thing. Finally when she asked if he would like a bath today, he snapped.

"No, I do not want you to bathe me, Marlena."

Marlena knew he was not in a good mood, but she tried to keep the conversation light anyway. "Okay, we can do it later. Or were you hoping for that cute little red headed nurse..."

"Would you stop?" John interrupted her. "And stop fussing around the room, like you're cleaning house."

Marlena took a deep breath to try and remain calm and set down the things she was holding. She walked over and sat across from John. "Okay, what do you want me to do?"

"Why don't you go out and do something fun? Go out with a girlfriend...or Eugene & Calliope. You need to get away from this hospital."

"I need to be where you are and right now this is it."

"You can't spend every day taking care of me."

"I hope we'll spend the rest of our lives taking care of each other."

"I can't take care of anyone...not even myself."

Marlena placed her hand on John's leg. "Maybe not yet, but you will. It's just going to take some time."

"Stop it Marlena. Stop lying to me."

Marlena sat up straight. "What do you mean?"

"Why didn't you tell me about the surgery?" John asked her.

"What surgery?"

"The surgery that has been performed several times to repair nerve damage like mine."

"You don't mean the one that has only been done a handful of times, with limited success?"

"Yes, I do...my doctors agree that I would be an excellent candidate for it. Why didn't you tell me about it?"

Marlena did not like John's accusatory tone and she was getting angry, "Maybe because it's still experimental and incredibly risky!?"

"But it's a chance Marlena, a chance for me to get out of this chair. What other options do I have?"

"We can continue with your physical therapy. I'll help you. We'll work harder. You don't have to risk your life." Marlena was losing control now as her eyes began to fill with tears.

"You and I both know, that physical therapy alone is not going to fix my back. It's been six weeks now and there has been no improvement. I can't live like this Marlena. I can't let you spend the rest of your life taking care of me."

"This is where I want to be..."

"Marlena..." John closed his eyes and let out a frustrated sigh.

Marlena got down on her knees next to John's wheel chair and grabbed his chin with her hand. "Look at me, John."

John opened his eyes and looked into her tear stained face.

"We may not be legally married, but in my heart, you are my husband. We made vows to each other, in church, and I meant every word...for better or worse, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish...for all the days of our lives. I'm not going anywhere and I expect the same from you."

"Marlena, don't you see...I can't be a husband to you...not like this. I can't protect you. I can't take care of you. I can't dance with you. I can't make love..."

Marlena placed her fingers over his mouth to stop him. "Shhh...stop it right there. I love you with all my heart...YOU…" She moved her hand to his chest and placed it over his heart. "…what's inside here. We will handle whatever we have to, together. You can't scare me away. I need you too much John Black and I'll take you any way that I can get you." She climbed up and gently sat in his lap. She grabbed his face between her hands as she kissed him softly. "I love you."

"I love you too Baby...so much." John wrapped his arms around her and held her tightly. He loved her more than anything in this world and he would do anything for her, but he knew he could never spend the rest of his life like this...weak, useless and a burden to the woman he loved more than life itself. They sat there, just holding each other for quite some time. Each of them overwhelmed by their emotions and not knowing what else to say.

Finally John lifted her head off his shoulder. "Don't you need to get to work? I'm sure there are lots of other patients in need of your services, Dr. Evans."

"Yes, I probably should." Marlena answered reluctantly. "Are you okay? Do you need anything?"

"I'm fine." John smiled weakly. "...just a little tired. I didn't sleep well last night. I think I'll try to get some sleep."

"That's a good idea. I'll let your nurse know not to bother you for awhile."

"Thank you."

After a rather awkward goodbye, Marlena gave John a quick kiss and promised to be back in a few hours. She left his room and headed for her office. She made it all the way there and managed to shut the door behind her before she slowly sank to the floor, sobbing uncontrollably.