When Hearts Won't Heal
Chapter 2
Steve bent forward with his hands on his knees feeling decidedly lightheaded. He wasn't sure how much more of this he could handle. Right now he was unsure if he could walk as far as the entrance let alone any further so after several tortuous seconds and a few deep breaths he reluctantly sat back into the passenger seat but Mike noticed that he left the door open, perhaps keeping his options open for a quick escape if it became necessary. Mike was relieved when Steve sat back into the car and knew that from here on in he would need to use kid gloves and perhaps a few shock tactics along the way to bring Steve around to his way of thinking. Remembering his plan from earlier he spoke sympathetically and apologetically at the same time.
"You have every right to be annoyed with me Steve. I did trick you and I AM SORRY for that but I only did it because I'M WORRIED about you! And ... I'm not the only one. "
Steve again turned his face to stare at Mike and Mike knew he had peaked some sort of curiosity in the younger man.
"What are you talking about now?"
"Lenny wasn't the only one who called me Steve ... In actual fact I got a whole rake of phone calls last night. All saying the same that they were concerned about you and asking me to help you ..."
Steve swallowed hard. Had he really been acting that strange that everyone had noticed? Had he really been worrying a lot of people enough that they had felt the need to ring Mike? The last seven days had been an emotional blur for Steve. Most of the days blended together in his messed up head and apart from a few parts here and there, he had been pretty much on automatic pilot.
"Who? ... Who called you?"
"Jeannie for one ..."
"Jeannie?" Steve gasped.
He hadn't been talking to Jeannie. Why was Jeannie worried about him? How did she even know what had happened?
"Did you ... tell her what happened at the Cannery?"
"Yes Buddy boy. She called the night after it happened and I told her. I didn't think you'd mind her knowing but then she tried to call you every night for the last five days and she just got an engaged tone. And I rang you this morning and got the same. What did you do, huh? Put the phone in the refrigerator?"
Steve didn't answer but instead he caught Mike's eye and the look held a certain amount of shame and regret. In that instant, Mike read between the lines.
"Wait a second ... You disconnected it, didn't you?"
Steve stared at Mike and nodded reluctantly.
"STEVE? Why?"
Steve visibly flustered.
"I ... I don't know ... Everyone kept calling me ... And asking me if I was ok and ... And I couldn't ... I couldn't ..."
Steve was visibly struggling to explain so Mike helped him out.
" ... Couldn't keep up the brave act anymore ... Huh, Buddy boy?"
Steve hung his head without answering and brought both hands up to cover his face. He stayed that way for several seconds and Mike felt that they were making progress however slow. So he continued.
" ... And Anderson called. He told me about yesterday afternoon. "
Steve dropped his hands and a spark of annoyance resurfaced. He spoke almost defensively.
"AW MAN! He had no right to call you. I merely stumbled on the steps that's all. It was no big deal Mike."
"STEVE! He said you almost passed out on the steps up to your apartment. He said he had to practically carry you back inside to your place and that you're not eating properly. He said your fridge was empty and there wasn't any food at all in the presses ..."
"NO ... I just haven't had time to shop that's all ... "
"Ok. So what about Mrs. Peterson then?"
Again Steve's face fell at the mention of his downstairs neighbor's name and Mike noticed that the young man's breathing had quickened.
"She told me you're not sleeping Steve ... That she can hear your nightmares even from downstairs. She's heard you yelling and she said when she tried to go and talk to you about it, there was no answer to your door even though she KNEW you were inside ... "
Steve felt his heart constrict. Confronted with the mounting evidence that Mike had accumulated against him he was finding it increasingly hard to keep himself together and deny the evidence that was currently damning him. He started to feel trapped again just like he had in Lenny's Office yesterday afternoon. The open car door was proving too tempting as a way to escape the constant questions he felt he had no legitimate answers to.
"People just need to mind their own business Mike ... You know I don't have to listen to this ... "
He turned to bail out the door again but this time Mike was ready for him and caught his left arm firmly at the elbow and held him fast, preventing his escape attempt.
"DAMN IT STEVE ...YES YOU DO! You can't keep running from this ... You have to face it no matter how painful it is ... Look Steve, I know this is hard for you but people only rang because they CARE about you! Now, HAVE you been having trouble sleeping?"
At first Steve had fought Mike's grip but after Mike's sharp reprimand, Steve stopped and slumped back into the seat. Mike let go of Steve's arm seeing by the young man's exhausted demeanor that he didn't have much fight left in him. In an exasperated voice he responded, purposely not looking in Mike's direction.
"Alright ... so I haven't been sleeping great ... What did you expect Mike?"
"And what about Sam from the Swimming Pool?"
Again Steve turned to stare in misery at Mike and could barely get the words to leave his lips.
"Sam rang you too huh? "
Mike nodded.
"He says you've been over there every day this past week swimming like a man possessed. Pushing your body to its limits. He said he had to almost force you to leave everyday. Why Steve? Why were you pushing yourself so hard? Especially when you knew you hadn't been eating or sleeping properly. "
Steve didn't have any answers. At least not ones that made any sense. He settled for a sharp reply.
"Swimming isn't a crime Mike ... Besides it usually clears my head ..."
Ah Mike thought. There was the slip ... "usually". Only this time it wasn't working no matter how hard he had tried. The truth was out ... Now would come the make or break moment and Mike expertly steered the conversation to his benefit.
"You know what I think Buddy Boy?"
Steve shook his head and sneered once more, needing to keep his anger in place knowing that without it now, the floodgates would open and he would not be able to control his emotions anymore.
"No ... But something tells me you're going to tell me, right?"
Mike wasn't fooled by the angry tone. He knew it was Steve's last defense mechanism and that they were close to the breakthrough they both needed.
"That's right! I think you're trying to punish yourself because you can't stop feeling responsible for that boy's death. That's why you're not eating or sleeping and pushing yourself to breaking point. You're not trying to cope. You're trying to punish yourself. Because you feel its the only way to feel ok again. Like a self inflicted penance. That's it, isn't it Steve?"
Steve stared out the windscreen as several Funeral cars became visible coming in the far gates. The Davies family had arrived. Everything was falling apart around him. Mike saw his partner's bottom lip quiver and knew the young man was balancing his emotions on a knife edge. Now was the time to be there for him and support him. He reached over and laid a strong hand on Steve's left shoulder and squeezed hard.
"Buddy Boy? ..."
A solitary tear fell from Steve's eye and trailed heartwrenchingly down his left cheek and he didn't even move to wipe it away as his gaze remained on the funeral cars that were now slowly processing into the cemetery. In a very low and angst filled voice, Steve spoke.
"I killed him Mike ... I took that boy's life away ... He had his whole life ahead of him ... And I ... I killed him. I pulled the trigger Mike. How can I NOT feel responsible? ..."
Mike felt a lump appear in his throat as the enormity of the guilt and misery Steve had been trying to shoulder on his own this past seven days became apparent.
"Steve ... punishing yourself is not going to bring him back ... I know you feel responsible and yes I know you pulled the trigger but you had no choice. You had to make a life or death decision in a split second. You were being shot at and you saw him holding the gun. In any other situation it would have come down to him or you. Now you know that, don't you? If you had hesitated then it could have been YOU we were burying today ... This was just a tragic and unfortunate accident Steve and NO-ONE blames you. The Police board cleared you of any wrong doing. They ruled it a righteous shooting under the circumstances. Even his own father doesn't blame you. "
At that last sentence Steve turned and looked incredulously at Mike, now a second tear's trail visible on his right cheek, his tired eyes moist and holding a distinct look of desperation within their green depths.
"That's right Steve ... He called me too. He's worried about you as well. He told me he called you and asked you to attend the service with them today. He said you told him you couldn't. He's worried that he pushed you to breaking point before he found out about what Jack had done. He told me he doesn't hold any ill will towards you and I believe him. He just wants everyone to move on so he can grieve for his son and remember him fondly as he deserves to be ... Steve? The only one who's blaming you is ... YOU."
Another tear fell and Steve turned back and watched as Al Davies and the other members of his family exited the cars on the path up ahead. He wrung his hands together nervously on his lap. Reaching inside his jacket pocket Mike found his handkerchief and then pushed it into Steve's twisting hands. Accepting it gratefully, Steve quickly wiped at his face and then turned to look at his partner, a slight flush of embarrassment now visible under the dark circles.
"Mike? ... I'm really struggling with this one ... " Steve finally admitted as his voice broke slightly.
The admission was music to Mike's ears as he knew it was the first necessary step in Steve's recovery. Grabbing the young man's arm firmly, he smiled proudly and continued.
"I know you are ... That's why you have to let people help you this time Steve. I know you always prefer to deal with this kind of stuff on your own but this is too big. You need help and everyone wants to help you ... I want to help you ... Let me, will you please Buddy boy? You can't let this destroy you. You're stronger than this. You CAN get through this with help, I promise you. Steve, I'm not going to lie to you. You're going to carry the scar. But it will get easier with time. You'll see. Do what I tell you and what Lenny tells you and in a few month's time this will all be just a really bad memory. What do you say, huh? Will you let me help you?"
"How? ... How can you help me Mike? ... I ... I haven't been able to even pick up my gun since ..."
Mike had feared that would happen and while he wasn't surprised by Steve's revelation, it did worry him a little. But needing to boost Steve now rather than give him more cause for concern Mike remained upbeat and positive. He would discuss the finer details if necessary with Lenny later on.
"That's only natural Steve after what happened but you'll get over that too, mark my words. A few trips to the firing range and another talk or so with Lenny and you'll be fine with it again, you'll see, ok? Steve, we've all been there one time or another."
That statement drew a surprised look from Steve.
"Even ... you?"
"None of us are immune Steve. We've all had issues with our guns from time to time. It's the stark nature of our jobs but you'll be ok. "
Steve couldn't see how he would ever be ok with it again and with another worrying degree of sadness in his voice Steve responded.
"What if ... I'm not ... Mike?"
"Then we'll deal with that if the situation arises. But we'll deal with it together Steve, ok?"
Steve hung his head again and didn't answer. Instead he looked lost in his own fears and bad memories and Mike reached out and lifted the young man's chin and turned it back to face him.
"You hear me now? You're not on your own in this. You have to realize that. I know you feel like it's the end of the world right now ... but it's not Buddy boy. You're going to get through this. But right now you've got to take it one step at a time and one day at a time and you need to do as I tell you. Can you do that for me? "
Steve nodded dolefully and spoke in a bare whisper.
"Ok Mike ... What do I have to do?"
Mike smiled again and patted Steve's cheek proudly.
"Good man. Ok ... Well you're not going to like it but ... first and foremost you have to attend that boy's service. "
"Mike ... I don't think I can ..."
Steve closed his eyes as if Mike had just asked the impossible of him but Mike wasn't letting him get away that easy.
"Yes you can Steve. Trust me. It's the first step to accepting this and putting it behind you ... I'll be right there with you. Then afterwards we're heading back to San Francisco and you're going to come and stay with me for a while ..."
Mike saw Steve about to protest and again spoke again before he had the chance to.
" ... Ah, ah NO ARGUMENTS! If you're going to get through this, it has to be this way. Then, I'm going to cook you a decent meal and you're going to eat it. Then ... you're going to get some sleep. Lenny ... well ... he recommended some sleeping pills for you ... "
Again Steve looked horrified but Mike cajoled him further.
"You need to sleep and eat Steve. You can't argue with that and in the morning Lenny said that he'd come over and talk to you at the house. It will be easier there Steve. So what do you say? Are you with me? "
Steve laid his head against the back of the seat and sighed heavily. His eyes never left the funeral group who were now gathering around the grave and after several tortuous seconds he merely nodded at Mike.
"Ok ... "
Steve felt too tired and upset to argue and anyway his way wasn't working this time. A quick glance in the rearview mirror startled him as the dark circles Mike spoke about earlier were clear to see. His trousers the last few days had felt a little looser now that he thought about it and seeing his reflection clearly for the first time in a week, he began to understand why people had been worried about him. Had he really let things get so bad without fully realizing? He couldn't remember when he had eaten something substantial last without feeling sick to his stomach and managing to keep it down and he hadn't had a decent night's sleep since the shooting had happened. At least not one that he hadn't woken up in a sweat from as the nightmare replayed over and over, not allowing him to rest. He did need help and if he was going to have to get it from someone he couldn't think of someone he trusted more than Mike to get it from.
He looked across at Mike and cleared his throat.
"Looks like the service is about to start Mike ..."
"Yeah ... You ready to go over there yet?"
Steve straightened himself up and slicked his hair back into place with his hands and frowned.
"I look pretty rough Mike ... "
Mike smiled and reaching in to his other jacket pocket, he produced a tie and a comb that looked familiar to Steve and handed them to the younger man.
"I got these from your desk. I had a feeling you might be needing them today ..." he said grinning and was rewarded by a small smile from Steve as he took them.
It was the first semblance of a genuine smile that he had seen on Steve's face since the night at the Cannery and right now to Mike it was an encouraging sign and he would take what ever little smile he could get.
He watched as Steve put the tie on and fixed it around his neck using the rearview mirror and then he combed his hair neatly into place and sighed heavily.
"Ok ... I think I'm ready now ..."