When Hearts Won't Heal
A /N: Here is the final installment and thank you to all those who took the time to read it and comment on it. It was a missing piece that always bugged me and I wanted to see how it would play out in my imagination. I hope you were able to get even a little enjoyment from the finished piece as I enjoyed writing it. Xx
Chapter 3
Mike nodded and watched as Steve exited the car and closed the passenger door behind him. Then he did the same and followed Steve across the road and towards the funeral service, only a couple of steps behind, watching for any sign that Steve needed him. As they got closer Steve's courage seemed to waver for a few seconds and he stopped walking and Mike could see him breathing heavily. He knew that this was going to be the hardest part for Steve and so he placed an encouraging hand on Steve's back as a show of support and spoke in a hushed tone just loud enough for Steve to hear.
"Go on now ... It'll be alright ... "
Steve hesitated and didn't seem too convinced but after a few uncertain seconds he started walking again, stopping just a little way behind the last row of mourners. There were maybe fifteen or sixteen people in the group and for now Steve was happy to remain behind them. The priest was reciting prayers and speaking about Spencer Davies and the tragic circumstances that had led to his passing. Steve felt his hands start to shake and had to blink back the tears that threatened to start again. Again he felt Mike's comforting hand on his back and he swallowed back the emotion he felt resurfacing. Then to his dismay the boy's father noticed him at the back of the crowd and asked the priest to stop the service for a moment. As the priest remained silent, Steve watched in trepidation as Al Davies split the crowd and approached towards him.
To Steve's added surprise he smiled as he approached and reaching him he clasped Steve's arms with his hands in a grateful gesture, even though his eyes held the same sadness and moisture as Steve's had moments before.
"You came ... I'm glad ... What changed your mind?"
Steve looked back at Mike briefly and caught his eye and then turned back to Al Davies and replied.
"It was the right thing to do ... Mr. Davies? I ... I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am ... If I could take that night back and do things differently I would ... Believe me ... "
Mr. Davies saw the genuine remorse in the young detective's eyes and heard the angst and tortuous tone in his voice and squeezed his arms gently.
"I know you are Steve ... I have a lot of regrets too ... especially where Jack is concerned. But now we must lay my boy to rest. Will you come and stand with me and my family? "
Steve looked horrified and protested.
"That's very generous of you but I don't think that's a good idea ... "
"Nonsense ... I insist ... Come along ..."
Al clasped his strong arm around Steve's shoulders and brought him alongside him towards the family group. Steve could see some of them wondering who he was and threw a nervous look back at Mike who mouthed at him again that it would be ok. He stood with the family as Al signalled for the priest to resume. The prayers continued and minutes later the priest called on Al to say a few words. Steve watched as Al Davies stepped forward a little in front of his son Spencer's casket and cleared his throat.
"My son Spence was a good boy. He was the image of his mother Marie in every way. He had such a big heart and he always made me so proud ... He didn't deserve what happened to him ..."
Al's voice broke a little and he stopped speaking for a second or two trying to get his emotions back under control. Mike watched as Steve hung his head and closed his eyes and he worried about how Steve was handling the speech which had to be tough for him to hear under the circumstances. He began to regret getting separated from him and so he moved back a little to see could he get back closer to where Steve was standing in case he was needed. Al's partner Laney stepped forward and linked Al's arm and he turned and forced a smile for her benefit before continuing ...
"I was so angry at the time that I blamed this young man here for taking my son away."
Al gestured to Steve and the young man's face turned ashen grey with the shock.
"Mr. Davies ... Please don't ..." he muttered desperately but Al was determined to say what he felt he needed to.
"I blamed him for not doing his job properly. For using his gun carelessly. I berated him in front of his peers. I wanted him to suffer for what he did to my family ... "
Steve's breathing was now coming in fast heaves and he looked over to where Mike had been standing and couldn't see the older man. He felt panic rise within him as he desperately scanned the crowd to find Mike and then startled as a hand alighted on his shoulder. Spinning round he saw Mike now standing right behind him and the look of relief on his face was evident.
"However the irony was that Steve WAS the one doing his job that night. He was protecting the property of citizens just like you and me from kids whose parents didn't even know where their kids were that night. So you see Steve wasn't the one not doing his job ... It was me. I'm the one who wasn't aware or responsible. Not this young man. It was my fault Spencer died and I'm the one who should have to live with that guilt from now on ... Not him ... And I'm the one who should be saying sorry to you Steve for what my family has put you through ... "
Al took Steve's hand and patted it before dropping it and turning back towards the casket once more. Steve's shoulder was now shaking under Mike's hand and Mike squeezed it and spoke into Steve's ear from behind.
"Easy now Steve ... "
Al reached out and touched the casket and spoke with the heartbreak that only a parent who has lost a precious child could ever know.
"And I need to say sorry to you Spence ... for letting you down son ... For not protecting you or listening to you or knowing what Jack was doing ... I hope you're with your mother and please know that I love you son ... I love you and I miss you ... so much ... I'll never forget you ... "
Al broke down and started to cry and other sobs of grief followed from the crowd. Steve was tearing up and had what felt like a boulder now firmly stuck in his throat. Al's heartbreak was heart wrenching and despite his heartfelt words taking the blame, Steve still felt responsible for it in his own heart. Mike was considering taking him back to the car as he felt the young man's shoulders still shaking but just then a white butterfly appeared from out of nowhere and landed on Al's shoulder. There were gasps from the crowd as Al watched as the butterfly settled for mere seconds and then took off again. Laney covered her mouth and sobbed ... Unsure what was going on Steve looked at Laney who seemed to sense his confusion and she smiled through her tears and explained.
"Some people believe that a white butterfly at a funeral symbolizes the soul of your departed loved one. I think maybe Spence is trying to tell Al he loves him too ..."
Steve whipped his head around to look back at Mike to see what Mike felt about that but Mike merely shrugged his shoulders and raised an eyebrow in response.
The priest started speaking again and Laney steered a distraught Al back to his original spot. The service continued and after some music and final prayers, the casket was lowered into the grave and one by one Al and Laney and several other family members threw red roses down into the grave. The service ended shortly after that and people started tapering off back to the cars. Al said his final goodbyes to his son before turning back towards Steve and taking his hand in a warm handshake.
"Thanks for coming Steve. It meant a lot to me and I'm sure to Spence too. Don't be a stranger huh? Come over to Pastine's Dug out once in a while, ok?"
"Sure ... You take care Mr. Davies ..."
"You too Steve."
Soon Steve was the last one standing with Mike. Mike grabbed his elbow.
"You ok Buddy boy?"
Steve stood still staring at the grave sadly.
"I'm not sure Mike ... Do you believe what they said about the butterfly?"
"Who knows? ... Maybe ... I guess I'd like to believe it. It's a nice idea, huh?"
"Yeah ..."
"Come on Steve. Let's go home now. Ok? You did what you had to do ..."
"No Mike ... Not quite ... Just give me a few minutes will you please Mike?"
"Sure ... you want me to wait in the car or stay with you?"
"No ... I'll see you back in the car Mike, thanks ..."
"Alright ... But don't be long, ok?"
Steve just nodded and Mike felt a little reluctant about leaving him. The young man looked so worn out both physically and emotionally and he didn't like the thought of leaving him where he was now standing, teetering near the open grave. As he hesitated, Steve looked at him and forced a smile.
"It's ok Mike ... I'll be alright ..."
"You won't go too close to the edge will you?"
Steve smiled a genuine smile this time at Mike's overprotective question.
"What do you think I'm gonna do Mike ... jump in?"
Mike reached out and grabbed the back of Steve's neck playfully.
"Wiseguy! Of course not ... But I am worried about you collapsing and maybe ... falling in."
"Don't worry ... I won't go too close, ok?"
Releasing Steve, Mike smiled and wagged a finger playfully in his partner's direction.
"Alright ... I'll go wait in the car but if you're not back in ten minutes I'll be back and I'll be bringing the tow rope with me just in case! " Mike teased before patting Steve's shoulder and heading back towards the car.
Steve smiled after him and then as Mike disappeared from his line of vision his face darkened again and he turned back towards the boy's grave. Thinking of what Mike had said, he realized that he WAS feeling a little bit on the weak side so not wanting Mike's worry to be realized, he decided to get down on his haunches beside the grave instead. Reaching down he pulled at the grass nervously with his fingers as he began to speak.
"Hi Spencer ... Ah, you don't know me but ... I know you. My name is Stephen Keller and ... and I'm the Police Officer who ... who shot you ... You see ... you were holding the gun and ah ... it was dark and ... I thought ... "
Steve's voice broke and he felt his eyes brimming again. He took a deep breath and steadied his voice as well as he could under the circumstances. He couldn't quite believe how difficult this was proving to be.
"Anyway ... That's what happened and ... I just wanted you to know ... how very sorry I am and if I could change what happened I would ... I don't expect you to ever forgive me ... The truth is ... I'm not quite sure I'm ever going to be able to forgive myself ... "
A tear flowed down his cheek and he grabbed Mike's handkerchief from his jacket pocket and wiped it away. It took at least another minute before he found himself able to speak again.
"Anyway ... I just wanted to know that I'll keep an eye out for your Dad from time to time and check in on Jack too. I figure that's the least I can do for you ... I'm really sorry kid ... Really, really sorry ..."
Steve hung his head, and tried to regulate his breathing better before heading back to the car when a white butterfly just like earlier, suddenly landed on his arm. Steve held his breath in disbelief as the beautiful butterfly stayed there for several seconds before flying off again. Steve wasn't sure what to make of the strange coincidence and yet somehow in a strange way it made him feel a little better inside. He got up shakily and headed slowly for the car, his mind racing as fast as his heart rate was.
Mike meanwhile, had been getting impatient. He sat drumming his fingers on the steering wheel and checked his watch for the umpteenth time in the last nine minutes. Not seeing Steve coming he muttered under his breath, unable to stand the waiting any longer.
"Alright, that's it! ... You've been long enough Steve ..."
He got out of the car just as he saw Steve heading over the embankment and down towards the car. He looked ok. A little distracted maybe and tired. Yes ,very tired but other than that, not too bad. He stood as Steve came closer and frowned as he noticed that Steve's eyes looked as if he had been upset again.
"Just on time. I was just about to get that tow rope Buddy boy ..." Mike joked to judge the young man's current mood.
To his relief Steve greeted what he said with a small smile.
"You ok Buddy boy? "
"Yeah ... Yeah I think so ..."
"You sure? It was pretty rough back there for a while. Wasn't it?"
"Yeah ... Yeah it was ..."
Mike stepped forward and clasped Steve's shoulders with both hands and answered skilfully
"But you got through it! ... Even though you didn't think you could earlier. That's what I'm telling you Buddy boy ... You're going to have rough days and times ahead but you'll get through them just like you did today. Never underestimate how strong you are Steve ... or how many people care about you ... You got that?"
Steve nodded gratefully, not quite trusting his voice to speak just yet after the emotional and upsetting service he had just endured.
Mike released him proudly and watched as Steve went around the front of the car and got in and then he got back in too, studying Steve closely as he did. He waited to see if Steve would say something first and he didn't have to wait long.
"Mike? Thanks for bringing me here today ... You were right ... I think it did help ..."
"Well I'm glad it did. Now ... Let's go home, ok? And on the way you can think about what you'd like me to make for you to eat when we get there. What do you fancy Buddy boy? But remember ... I'm not Jeannie. The list of dishes I can make is limited you know? So what do you think?"
"I'm not sure Mike ... but nothing too heavy, huh?"
"I see ... Yes you're right. If you haven't been eating well then it's probably better to start with something light. Well ... that rules out my tuna casserole ... You think you could get your mouth all ready for a tuna salad?"
Steve smiled.
"Yeah ... I think maybe I could manage that. "
Mike clapped his hands together gleefully.
"Great! Then you got it. "
Mike turned the key in the ignition and then seeing that Steve's face had turned serious again beside him he decided to try and cheer his partner up further.
"You know Steve you really are something else you know that?"
Steve turned and looked curiously at him.
"What do you mean?"
Mike smiled and with the engine now running he sat back in the driving seat and explained with a mischievous glint in his blue eyes.
"Well you know I've seen many Police Officers over my years on the force who went through some pretty rough times just like you have these last seven days. I've seen them turn to alcohol, gambling and worse to drown their sorrows and help them forget but YOU! You try to SWIM yourself to death. Trust you to pick a healthy way of even doing THAT!"
Mike laughed and was heartened to see Steve laugh back.
After the giggles subsided, Steve looked gratefully at Mike.
"You know Mike? Today is the first day I even felt like smiling since ... well you know?"
"Yeah ... I noticed ... And I also know it's good to see you smiling again."
"Well, its all thanks to you ... Mike? I think ... I think that maybe I feel ready to talk to Lenny again now. "
Mike couldn't quite believe what he had heard. This day had turned out better than he could have possibly hoped for and Mike suddenly felt better than he had in days. The intense worry he had been carrying around over Steve seemed to lift and he could finally see the light at the end of the tunnel for Steve. He drove off with a huge smile on his face.
"Mike? ... Do you think ...that Al Davies is going to be ok?"
"Oh sure. He'll be fine. Besides he's got a good woman in his corner. That Elaine Russo has a good heart. She'll get him through it. After all, that's half the battle you know? Having the right person in your corner."
Mike's words sunk in to Steve's tired brain and he looked sideways at Mike as the older man headed for the Cemetery gates. Mike noticed the young man staring and took this eyes briefly off the road to look at him.
"What? I miss a spot shaving this morning?" he asked lightheartedly, rubbing at the cheek Steve had been staring at.
Steve smiled and looked away before responding.
"No, I was just thinking that's all. If what you said about having half the battle won already if you have the right person in your corner is true then ... then I think I'm going to be ok too Mike ..."
Touched by the young man's heartfelt words Mike beamed proudly across at his partner.
"Oh I think you're going to be just fine Buddy Boy. Just fine. You look exhausted though. So why don't you lie back, RELAX and try and catch forty winks on the way home."
"Yeah ... Yeah that's a good idea Mike ... I might just do that."
Steve laid his head back against the seat of the car and stared out of the passenger window at the scenery whizzing by and for the first time in the past seven days he felt something new. Hope. He knew he still had a long road ahead of him but with Mike in his corner he knew he had the best chance of making it ..."
The End