I find a spare chair, and sit next to him. Pointing to his cigarettes, I sigh.

"Can I bum one?"

Without saying anything, he nods and takes a sip of his beer. My dad, like I said, is strong and silent. He'll talk to me, but I have to start conversation. It's hard, when I don't know what to say. To buy myself some time, I light my cigarette slowly, gathering courage.

"I need advice."

I blurt out, leaning back in my chair. He looks at me, and for some reason I feel a bit easier talking with him.

"On what?"

"…I don't know. Everything. Life, I guess."

"Can't advise you on life. It just happens."

I knew that answer was coming. I nod in agreement, trying to find the words to describe how I feel. It's hard, when I don't even know how I'm feeling. Sad I suppose, a bit lost maybe. Is it normal to feel this way?

"…How'd you fall in love with mom?"

It's more of my own curiosity that stems the question. I want to know how it was possible for someone a hair short of an android could learn to feel. Learn, how to care about another human being, as much as he cares for my mom. Over the years, their love never faded or dwindled and the arguments were scarce. Something you don't really see these days, or something that comes after a lifetime of switching partners. I want to know, what the hell makes them so in love with one another.

"What do you mean?"

"Dad you…you were ya know, someone not really able to feel. And then mom comes along and basically fucks your life up. How? I mean…weren't you stuck in your ways?"

Dad laughs, as if I've just said something completely hilarious to him. I didn't think it was that funny.

"Ah…she did come in and fuck things up, if that's how you want to put it. But I didn't wake up one day and suddenly feel things, if that's what you're asking."

"It is."

"Well, that didn't happen. It took time, patience, and a lot of doubt. You see, you mother slowly began to rely on me. She was a loner, and never really had anyone to depend on. My services at the time allowed her to have a reliable pillar to lean on. Perhaps not for anything emotional or physical in a sexual way, but instead for safety. My offering of security in that sense allowed her to become dependant on me in other ways."

"What do you mean?"

My father looks at me, and I'm reminded of things I want to forget.

"As events happened and unfolded before our eyes, Dezbe realized I was someone she could talk to. It didn't matter, if I talked back or even comforted her, all that mattered was my presence. Over time, and being there in her emotional stresses, I began to develop…a different sense of protection than I had felt for people before her."

"I don't really understand. You got close to mom, because she depended on you? Didn't all your workers depend on you?"

"Yes but not for emotional needs. Dezbe, provided me with the feeling of equality as well as a good, witty argument here and there. Also, she made me feel as if to her, I mattered as something more than a simple bodyguard. Myself at the time had never faced things like that, emotions and feelings. I had never felt needed in that way. With her, I was needed in every way possible. So, over time, I started to look at her as something more of an employer. I didn't know how to show it then, so often I protected her more and became more openly aggressive towards other people. That stemmed into admiration, and grew into love. It's a long and complicated thing, really."

My father had to learn things, just as a child needs to learn to walk. He didn't know how to differentiate, the feelings of love from the feelings of protection, and instead lumped them into the same ball. Maybe that's why even now, it's hard for him to show anything for other people, except my mom. He simply never knew how, and his training is so deeply embedded in his mind that he may never know. But, he did learn. He learned to love my mom.

"What about other girls?"

"Oh, there were others. But, none of them handled me like your mother, and I never loved them like your mother. Sure I enjoyed the company, but, if there ever was a woman who could turn a marble statue into a man, it's Dezbe. As much as I enjoy being open with you, kid, I can't help but wonder why you came to me. Something…wrong?"

He isn't stupid. His tone is suspicious and he knows something. I don't know what he knows, but I do understand and respect he's better than me at figuring shit out.

"…I don't know, really. I'm not sure what's wrong, only that something is. I think I get this from you. Not knowing how or why I feel things."

"No, you get that from being a person."

I look at him, the man I was meant to be, and sigh. I don't understand much about this world. I've only been outside Megaton once, and it failed horribly. Both my mother and my father lived out here, and traveled this land so much that they know everything about it. Every rock, boulder, cliff and decrepit home. I don't understand why people do certain things, or why I feel so different from the rest of the world. Maybe I'm not meant to. Maybe it's all the inexperience I have. After all, when you stay in one place for your entire life, you tend to be sheltered. My parents didn't hide their past from me, like they did with Dizzy, but I also wasn't able to go out of the town. I missed out on a lot of things, I think. Things that maybe, would have helped mold me into a better person.

"Cain?"

My father calls my name, and I blink, snapping myself out of my stupor.

"There's a lot of bad and terrible things, beyond the boundaries of Megaton. Things, that made your mother and myself shake with fear. But, in a strange way, those horrible things brought us closer together. Allowed us to appreciate and trust one another in a way not many can understand. I can't pretend to know what's bothering you, or pretend to relate, but I can assure you one day, things will make sense."

"Will it be better?"

"That's up to you, son."

I stare down at my cigarette, and take a drag of it. I'm trying not to think of Dizzy leaving, trying not to think about the nights that will soon come, where I'll be too busy worrying about her to sleep.

"…How can you call me your son, when you know what I am?"

Charon, my 'father' looks at me. It's almost like he's hurt, but whatever emotion that crossed his face is gone in an instant. I look back at him, knowing if I fell victim to radiation, I'd look just like him.

"I raised you. Fed you. Clothed you. Bathed you at times when you were fussy. Spent endless minutes around you."

"Yeah…yeah I know…I just…don't feel like…you're really my father. Not in that way, I mean it's…I'm you. I wasn't born. I wasn't made from two people who loved one another. I just…am."

"I knew this day would come."

"What?"

My father stands up. He stretches and grabs his shotgun from his feet. Without saying anything to me, he opens the front door to our house and calls my mother out. I thought she was sleeping, but as I watch her come to the doorway, I know I'm wrong, obviously.

"Cain and I will be back later tonight."

He tells her, kissing the top of her head. She must understand something I don't, because of the look she gives him.

"Tonight is pretty emotional for both of them, Charon. Don't be too brazen."

"Where's Dizzy?"

"She's in the living room, where I was. She's drilling me for answers, Charon and it's really annoying."

They chuckle together, and then they kiss. Mom goes back inside, and my father turns to face me. He motions his head to follow him, and begins to walk without waiting. Ever since I was brought here, my father has always walked ahead of everyone. Waiting only for my mother, and leaving everyone else behind. I don't think he means to do it, I simply think it's how he walks. Catching up to him isn't hard for me. Our strides are the same. I keep pace with his, and a cool night breeze catches me off guard. I've never walked with him too far out of Megaton, and now as we slowly grow further and further away from it, I see a change within him.

His face relaxes, and his body looks more at ease. As if being inside the invisible limits of Megaton is stressful to him. Out here, as we walk and walk in silence, with each growing step he relaxes more and more. Was he, like my mother, so obsessed with being free, that now having to stay in one place is stressful?

"You must realize Cain, that out here nothing is as it seems."

Feeling like channeling my inner wit and humor, I point to the ground.

"That's dirt."

One step ahead as always, my father shakes his head. Bending down, he picks up what I was pointing at.

"This is ash, and remnants of the Great War."

"Great War?"

I've only ever heard about it. The war that destroyed the world, and made the Capital Wasteland into what it is today.

"Yes. Have I ever told you about it?"

"How old are you, really?"

"More than three-hundred years. I've seen a lot in my time."

I'm floored. I knew dad was old, but to be that old?

"One of the last pre-war ghouls to still be living."

"You…you must have seen a lot…I had no idea. I didn't know."

"Everything I have seen, is nothing in relation to what I've learned from it."

"What do you mean?"

We walk aimlessly, but I think dad has some sort of direction. I think, being out here, makes it easier for him to talk to me, and in his own way…help me figure out why I feel this way, and what to do about it. I don't even know anymore, what I feel. At this point, I'm just numb.

"I've learned things, most people never get the chance to understand or even witness."

"Like what?"

"Like what is most important in ones life."

He lights a cigarette, and hands me one. I've never had a heart-to-heart with him before, and I'm curious to see how it goes.

"Family, friends, surviving."

"No, Cain. Family is a general term, and most friends will abandon you or be the fastest runner. You're lucky, to have one or two decent people to rely on in your lifetime. In my own lifetime, really. What's important in life, is following your desires."

"I don't understand you. You're speaking in like, riddles."

"You mother and I were hated as soon as we came into the open about our relations. Also, by becoming open, we were both in danger. Our enemies knew our weak points."

"But you didn't stop."

"No, and it got us into a lot of trouble as you know. Many times, people would pit us against one another. A simple kiss between your mother and I, made almost fifteen years of turmoil and challenges."

"And was it worth it in the end?"

My father nods, strong enough to admit to the woman he loves, that he loves her. Most men act tough, insensitive and badass out here. As admirable as it is, nothing is more admirable to me than the love portion of my parents' story.

"Every bit was worth it. I learned, in all the time spent with her, and still spending, that despite what the world thinks, to continue on with how you feel. Regardless, people are going to hate and disagree, you can't avoid that. The sooner you learn it, the better off you'll be."

I look at the ground, side-stepping a protruding rock.

"What if…your desires don't agree with anything at all? What if…they're that vile?"

"Nothing is that vile, Cain. What's vile…is letting go of your desires, out of fear."

"Says you. I know the story, dad. You and mom…always had someone supporting you."

"No. There were times, when Dezbe and I had nobody. There were times when I was so scared I couldn't move. I never showed it, because I had to be strong for her. But don't say, that things for us were easy."

We come to a steep cliff. There's an old and worn pathway leading up, and my father looks at it with familiarity. No one else in the world would know about this pathway it seems, but he does. I look at him, as he stares at the path.

"This leads, to the place your mother came from. Follow that road, and it'll lead to where you came from. Where I came from."

"What are you saying?"

"It doesn't matter, how one was created. Only that they were. And I learned in my existence, that eventually, there's meaning in ones creation."

"But my meaning was to be like you a…a contract killer."

"That's what I also believed. And yet…it wasn't."

I look at him, clad in his leather armor. He's always worn that armor. My parents, over the years, very rarely changed. They're still exactly as I remember them to be, when I first met them so many years ago. I'm not sure if that's a good thing, or a bad thing. I just know they're consistent.

"When I learned, how much more there was to life, I realized how what I was created to be, was not what I had to be. That even though my training was and still is so deeply embedded in my mind, it was all I knew how to do, there was no one telling me anymore, that I simply had to do it."

"No one's told me I had to be anything."

"But you were created to be something, Cain. Isn't that why you came to talk to me? Simply because you cannot figure out your purpose if your purpose is not what you were made for?"

"…Yeah…and other things."

"You'll find in time what your purpose is. I can't tell you what it is, because I don't know. Perhaps you'll figure it out when you take Dizzy into the Wasteland. Do me a favor, and show her this if you have the chance. Where her mother came from."

Wait. Pause that. Did he just say I had to take Dizzy out here? Isn't she supposed to go on her own on some stupid soul-searching mission? My dad sees the confusion and a bit of shock on my face, and smiles. He pats my back and we begin the slow and long walk back home. This time, the conversation gearing towards things a bit more important.

"You didn't assume we'd let Dizzy run around out here all on her own, did you?"

"Well sort of, yes."

"You could both use the experience. I talked about it with your mother. She was against it but I convinced her."

"What? How? I mean, why?"

He looks at me, and I know…I know he knows something.

"You're close to her. You're all that reckless girl has. As much as your mother wants to deny it, I can't help but see us, when I look at you two."

"Dad?"

"You are a copy of myself. Dizzy's personality is more like her mother's than I've ever seen before. I trust…that you will keep her safe. In fact, I am convinced you will. Both me and your mother will rest easier with you with her."

"Dad, how do you know this? I know…we're the same but our personalities, interests, those can and are different. I'm not saying I won't go…but…how can you trust me?"

I'm elated inside. I know I shouldn't be. I know I should be angry that in a sense I still have to hold my sister's hand, but…more time with her, while we're still young…is all I want.

"Gob saw you returning to Megaton. Not that he's spying on you, but our home and his shop is close. Cain, no one would have carried your sister to safety as you did. Both your mother and I knew you weren't sick. You put your own self in danger, whatever that danger was, to protect your sister. Those traits, we share."

"Any brother would have done the same…"

"But you are not her brother and still you did it."

His voice and tone is firm and stern. Almost like he's scolding me. We stop walking, and I stare at my father. This man, knows a lot more than he wants to tell me. Somehow, I've never felt more at ease with that, though. Like he's the one person in this world who will understand. He knows my complications, knows that I am not Dizzy's brother and yet we still share the same genetic makeup. In some way, I think he also understands what I'm battling on the inside.

"…I couldn't leave her there. Dad, if you were there, if it was mom…"

"I would have done the exact same thing. And I have, many times. I have carried your mother to safety, I have spent hours and days with no sleep, worrying of her well being and if she would survive. And I have hunted down and killed every person who dared cause that woman harm."

Defeated, I sit down on a rock. My father sits beside me, and I hang my head. He won't punish me, for leaving Megaton. Maybe, he'll even relate to what I was feeling, when Dizzy was in such danger.

"…You…you weren't there, dad. I didn't…know what to do. It was…Raiders."

"Raiders?"

I nod my head, feeling responsible because in a way, I am.

"They were the kids from…from where I was made. They…I don't even remember now, because I was so angry. But dad they attacked her to get to me. I didn't even know who they were. I didn't…have any idea what was going on. And then I saw her there and she was all sorts of wounded and…and…"

"You lost control."

"Yeah. Yeah…I did and…I killed two people."

"Two? How many of them were there?"

"Three. Three and I let one go. I…I never knew I could do what I did. I didn't think…"

My father sighs, and I hear the burning of the paper that wraps around his cigarette as he takes a deep breath in.

"You did what you had to do."

"But…they…they almost killed her."

"And that's why you need to go with her. Because you need to protect her."

I look at him, and I run my fingers through my hair.

"It…it wasn't just that…that made me so angry, though. There's…more to it."

He sighs, deeply, and stands up. He makes no motion to leave, or to keep walking, and instead just stares at me. His stare, for the first time, doesn't scare me. It doesn't make me feel small, or unimportant. Instead, when I look back at the man I've come to know as my father, I feel comfort and safety. As if the parental bonds I was never able to have as an infant are suddenly given to me, and the man in front of me is the giver. I may be twenty-two, past the age of adulthood, and yet I still struggle with childish immaturities, questions, and struggles. I bow my head, as I drag my cigarette. Images of Dizzy flood my mind, and the memory of her in pain makes my stomach churn.

"…You don't…understand what it's like…to see her like that. To…see her in pain like that. They…she…she called for me and I wasn't there, dad. I…I almost…didn't make it…and…"

Tears and silent sobs stop my sentence. I look at my hand, and realize it's wet. I feel my father's hand on my shoulder, and I lift my head. I don't feel like less of a man, for crying in front of him. I have a feeling, he's cried in front of my mother many times.

"I do understand…how it feels to not be there, when the one person you're close to need you. I understand it more than you can know, son."

"…Do you know how it feels…to know everything you've felt is wrong?"

"Yes, I do."

"What do I do then, dad? I don't…I don't even…know what I'm feeling. I don't know anything…about…this."

He squeezes my shoulder, and gives me a pained look. Behind him, far off in the distance, the sky lights up like fire. Somewhere, someone blew something up. We hear no sound, until a few moments later. My dad turns to see, and his hand falls from his shoulder.

"…That is something I can offer no advice on. You have to do, whatever makes you happy."

"Have you ever…felt…"

"I've felt many things, Cain. I've felt things I had no idea I was even capable of feeling, but the bottom line, whether I liked them or not, was that I felt them. Despite what may come to be, what may happen, take pride and comfort, in the fact you felt them."

I stand up, knowing my father can't give me any more advice than he already has. We stand eye-to-eye, head-to-head. Same everything, I am his exact copy. He looks at me, with familiar eyes. The same eyes I see whenever I look at myself in the mirror.

"You are me, in more ways than you understand, but you are still your own person. You control what happens with the life you are given. It doesn't matter, how you were made, Cain. Only that you have one life. And it's yours to live."