Chapter 15
I ignored my phone for the entire weekend. Ben called me six times and I promptly deleted his messages. I didn't have time for his bullshit or his feelings. I had more important things on my mind. Well, it looked like I'd be avoiding the infirmary for a while.
I spent the weekend formulating my treatment plan. The Joker was in for a rude awakening. I don't think he knew what he was going to be in for when he asked me to take his case. It wasn't going to be the usual cake walk he had gotten used to. The doctors who had previously been assigned to his case were so terrified of him they spent their minimum required session time with him and that was about the extent of their treatment plans. I had every intention of doing whatever it took to try and cure the Joker and if I couldn't cure him I at least wanted comprehensive findings I could use to write a book. I was nothing if not ambitious.
For the first month we'd begin with talk therapy three times a week. I planned to spend Saturdays on alternative forms treatment. I'm not just talking electro-shock either, although I fully planned to implement that form of treatment if necessary as well. I was keeping my ideas pretty close to the vest however. I wanted Joker to be as surprised as the rest of the staff, especially if my ideas yielded results.
I did some shopping on the internet that weekend gathering items I thought would help me treat and possibly even bribe Joker with. He was going to be a tough nut to crack and I needed a few aces up my sleeve. I was pretty pleased with myself when I was finished.
Monday morning finally arrived and I was surprised to discover I wasn't nervous or scared knowing that I'd be stuck alone in a room with the Joker for two hours. I was actually pretty jazzed. At ten on the dot, two orderlies brought Joker into my office followed by an armed guard. Joker had a wide grin plastered onto his face and he cheerfully greeted me.
"Good morning Doc! Nice digs, much better than those tiny bland interrogation rooms!" The orderlies brought him over to the couch and cuffed him by both his wrist and ankles to the D-rings welded onto the frame. "I even get a couch? It's been years since I was allowed a couch, what a treat!"
When the orderlies finished and left my office the security guard, Officer Roberts, looked at me.
"If he gives you any trouble, I'll be right outside the door."
I looked up from my notes and leveled my eyes at him coolly before addressing him back.
"No you won't Officer Roberts. Dr. Arkham has assured me that we will have complete privacy during these sessions. You may wait at the end of the hall. I'll activate my panic button if you're needed. Which you won't, isn't that right Mr. Joker?"
His smile was so wide I thought his face would break.
"I promise to be on my very best behavior!" he placed his hand as close to his heart as the chains would allow, "I'm a man of my word!"
"That will be all Officer Roberts, thank you." He looked flabbergasted but he left without another word. I came out from behind my desk and walked over to the chair that was directly across from the therapy couch and took a seat. I busied myself with my notes for a moment. I could feel the Joker's eyes on me, sizing me up. This was the first time he had ever seen me in a clinical setting before. I pushed my glasses up onto the bridge of my nose and raised my eyes to meet his.
"Good morning, Mr. Joker. How are you feeling today?"
"Astonished, frankly. I knew you were good, but I didn't know you were this good!" he motioned a finger around the room, "How did you get Jerry to agree to all this?"
"I simply laid out my requisites for taking on your case. If he wasn't willing to acquiesce I had no intention of taking this on." I smugly looked at him over my glasses, "He caved."
Joker snickered, "Well color me impressed Doc. Sooo, what did you want to talk about today?"
"Well Mr. Joker, seeing that it's our first session I'd like to start with the basics if you don't mind."
"It's your dime toots, fire away!" I shot him a stern glance.
"I would like to establish a ground rule. I am your therapist, Mr. Joker and we need to maintain some professionalism. You may call me Doctor, Doctor Quinzel or Doc if you prefer, but I would appreciate it if you'd drop the pet names or I will call the session early and you can go back to your cell. Understood?"
"Jawohl mein artz!" he said while attempting a salute. I shook my head and looked down at my notes to hide the half smile creeping onto my face.
"So Mr. Joker I'd usually start with your real name, but I know from reviewing your file that's one secret you're never giving up so let's move on. Age?"
"Old enough to see an R rated movie, young enough to murder with a spring in my step!" I continued with my notes for a moment before I regarded him. He had the beginnings of crow's feet at the corner of his eyes and laugh lines around his mouth.
"Approximate age 45-50."
"Oh come on Doc, I'm not that old!" He looked a little annoyed.
"Correction, approximate age 40-45." I noticed his shoulders relax almost imperceptibly. "Gender male, height 6'5", weight 160 pounds, hair green, eyes green. Does that sound accurate to you Mr. Joker?" He was lying on the couch with his hands on his stomach as he stared at the ceiling.
"Boring!" I raised my eyebrows and paused until he looked at me again. "Fine, fine, yes. That sounds about right."
"How about you begin by telling me about a few of the things in your life that bring you pleasure." He raised his head and smiled.
"Now that's more interesting! Sure Doc, let's see. Smiles and laughter, chaos, explosives. Murder and mayhem and black bats with wings, these are a few of my favorite things!" he sang. I smiled but covered my mouth with my hand to hide it. Then I cleared my throat and continued.
"Let's talk about comedy for a bit. You call yourself the Joker, so who are your favorite comedians, who inspires you?" He looked surprised by the question but pleased.
"Well Doc, I like the classics myself. The Marx Brothers, The Three Stooges, Charlie Chaplin, Buster Keaton, Abbott and Costello and you can't go wrong with a little George Carlin, of course."
"So you're primarily into slapstick? I suppose that makes sense." I jotted it in down in my notes.
"I guess you're too young to remember the greats. Too bad, you're missing out kiddo." I looked back up and raised my eyebrow again.
"Pet names, Mr. Joker." I tsked, "And I'm very familiar with classic comedy, my father was a fan. One of my favorite movies as a kid was 'Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein'. I'm not that young." Joker snorted.
"You just keep surprising me Doc. Say, you wanna hear a joke?" I looked at him cautiously.
"As long as you're not lewd, go ahead." I prepared myself for something vulgar.
"So a mother says to her son, Patrick 'How was school today?' Patrick says, 'Oh it was great mom! Today we made explosives!' the mother says 'Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you kids these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?' Patrick says 'What school?'." I giggled, I couldn't help myself although I hid my mouth with my hand again. I didn't expect him to actually be funny. The way I understood it his jokes usually ended in bloodshed.
"You were expecting something tasteless, weren't you?" I nodded still holding my hand over my smile "I do those too ya know. Like, where did Billy go after the explosion?" I shook my head, "Everywhere!" He cackled and seemed quite pleased with himself.
"Okay, that one was bad." I was still grinning though. "So let's move along, earlier you mentioned the Batman. Can we talk about him?"
"Sorry Doc, I don't think I know you well enough yet. How about this, you tell me something about you and I'll tell you about Batman, hmmm?"
"Okay, I'll bite. What do you want to know?"
"You mentioned your father earlier, tell me about him." He hit the one subject I was NOT going to get into with him.
"No. Ask me something else." He pursed his lips and studied me for a moment.
"Daddy issues, eh? Fine. Your accent screams New York when you let it slip. Why are you trying to hide it? Ashamed?"
"No not at all, I just sound...well I think I sound like a ditzy blonde when I don't control it, which is something I can't afford in this industry." He seemed to consider that for a moment.
"Hard enough to be taken seriously with the way you look, eh Doc?" He waggled his eyebrows at me.
"Exactly, so the Batman?"
"Ah, the Batman. The yin to my yang, the sun to my moon, the Abbott to my Costello. My arch-enemy and my best friend." I pondered that as I updated my notes.
"I don't think Batman sees it that way."
"Well, he wouldn't, he's my straight man after all. Can't have a good comedy team without a straight man. But he's the best nemesis a clown could have. I create chaos, he restores order. I kill and maim, he's too noble to take me out. It's the perfect partnership!" How can he even vaguely consider Batman his partner?
"I thought Robin was Batman's partner?"
"Gah, Robin, you have no idea how much I hate those kids!" Kids? Plural?
"What do you mean 'those kids'?" He grinned evilly.
"Oh, you didn't know? There's been more than one Boy Blunder. The first one grew up and flew the coop, now he goes by Wingnut or something like that."
"Do you mean Nightwing? He was the first Robin?"
"Nightwing, that's it! Now the second Robin, he was something special. Angry, cocky, reckless and nowhere near as good as his predecessor. I killed him, you know." This was all news to me, but it made sense. Robin had been with Batman for years, of course he would have grown up by now.
"How did you kill him?" He cocked his head to the side as if lost in thought.
"First, I beat him to within an inch of his life with a crowbar," he said pleasantly "and then I blew him and his mother to kingdom come! Hahahaha! Ah memories." I jotted down some theories in my notebook as he continued. "And now there's a new Birdboy and I'm just itching to send him home to Batsy in a body bag!" He chuckled and looked like the cat that ate the canary, or Robin as the case may be.
"Wait a minute, going back to what you said about Batman being your perfect partner. I'm confused, haven't you tried multiple times to murder Batman? How can you consider him a partner yet consistently make up elaborate schemes to kill him?"
"I always give him a fighting chance! And he never lets me down. He and I, we'll keep our routine up until one of us finally goes to that big comedy club in the sky." I glanced at the clock, our time was almost up.
"Well Mr. Joker, our session is nearly over. Was there anything specific you wanted to talk about before we wrap up?"
He considered it for a few seconds and retorted, "Yes actually. I want to know about the foxes that are prowling around my henhouse." I gave him a confused look.
"I don't know what you're referring to Mr. Joker."
"Oh yes you do!" he growled. He was beginning to get agitated. "That doctor from the infirmary and that rich pretty boy! What are they to you?" My eyes shot wide open in shock.
"How do you know about them and why do you even care?" Oh my God the creepy camera guy! He's working for the Joker.
"Good news travels fast in this place. You are my doctor and I don't like other people touching my things! The doctor, Stone, what is he to you?" He was snarling and pulling against his chains. It amazed me how his moods could change so drastically so quickly. I was not about to get into this conversation. I stood, walked to the door and gestured to the guard.
"Mr. Joker, seeing as you're getting worked up I think we'll just end our session here. I'll see you again on Wednesday."
The security guard and orderlies removed the Joker from my office as quickly as possible. I think they felt the tension in the room. At least now I knew why I had been feeling like I was being watched lately, I actually was being watched! What was that outburst all about? Did he actually refer to me like I was his possession? I'd have to think about it later, I had a session with Jervis Tetch within the hour and I still had to type up my session notes.