Chapter 15

USC – Sophomore Year

"Hey, how's girls night in?"

Clarke laughed with the shake of her head. "You know you could have come right, Anya is here."

"You needed girl time, away from your girlfriend. I had dinner with my parents and now I'm relaxing in the hot tub." A pause. "Don't squint your eyes at me Griffin, you have your own hot tub."

"But it doesn't have you in it."

"Always such a flirt." They both laughed.

Clarke's cheeks hurt from smiling so hard and it had only been about 24 hours since she had seen her girlfriend. "You're my favourite."

"Your favourite what?"

Clarke thought about how to respond for a second. "Person, you're my favourite person Lexa Callaway."

"You're my favourite person too Clarke Griffin." Clarke closed her eyes at the sincerity in Lexa's voice. She never would have thought that she would be so in love anyone. She was certain that the kind of love you read about in books and love poems, was entirely fictional. Then her and Lexa started hanging out more and more and now a year into their relationship she was starting to think that maybe that kind of love was entirely real. "While we're on the subject, I have a question to ask you."

Clarke waiting a second before answering. "Okay, should I be worried?"

"It depends, how do you feel about dressing up like a princess and sitting through a really boring dinner?"

"The dressing up part sounds fun and the other part could be if dinner means what it's supposed and there is food involved."

Lexa nodded to the stars above her. "Lots of food." A pause. "Will you go to the Callaway Group Gala with me?"

"As in the biggest party of the year?"

Clarke heard Lexa let out a soft chuckle. "Yes, that's the one."

"I would love too, but I have to be home before midnight or my carriage will turn back into a pumpkin." Silence. "Stop shaking your head at me."

"You need to stop watching so many Disney movies but as you wish. Now go back to hanging out with Raven before she kills me."

"Okay, I'll see you tomorrow for brunch?"

"Absolutely. Goodnight, I love you."

Raven stood with her arms crossed, leaning on the doorframe. "I love you, sweet dreams." Clarke grinned from ear to ear getting an eye roll from Raven as she hung up the phone. "What?"

"Nothing, nothing. I'm just glad I survived all of high school without the sap fest that is you two."

Clarke let out a laugh. "Yeah because me and the play girl would have been like this in high school."

"It was two years ago."

Clarke shook her head. "Still, people change a lot the moment they step foot out of the confines of a high school. College is about finding yourself and becoming you want to be, not the person you think you have to be."

Raven raised an eyebrow. "So you think Lex was a player because she thought she had to be?"

Clarke rolled her eyes. "No, she's just matured."

"She's always been way to damn mature." They both laughed at the truth in Raven's statement. "She's not coming over?"

"Nope, I'm all yours tonight."

"Shit, I was really hoping her and I could sneak off for a quickie I hear she's a damn good kisser." Clarke got up and flipped off her best friend.

"Watch it Reyes, that's my woman you're talking about."

"I'm just teasing while I still can because one day she'll be your wife and then my comments will be really inappropriate."

They both laughed. "Yeah like that'll stop you."

"True."

XOXO

"Hey you, how do you feel about dinner and a movie?"

"It's Thursday, isn't that your typical date night with Anya?"

Lexa nodded even though she knew her fiancé couldn't see her. "Yeah but she already had plans so I have to settle with you."

"You're so charming but I suppose dinner and a movie works. Are you at home?"

"I am."

"Be there in twenty I just left the office."

Lexa smiled. "Okay I'll see you soon."

XOXO

An hour later Lexa and Costia left Lexa's home, opting to walk to dinner instead of driving. The walked down the hill that Lexa's house sat atop hand in hand.

"Maybe we should have stayed in and barbequed because who ever is cooking is making me hungrier." Costia grinned.

Lexa shook her head. "Or you could go and ask them to share."

"Don't tempt me." As they got further down the hill, the smell of the barbeque got stronger and the sound of music got louder. "Maybe you should lead the way, they listen to the same crappy music you do." Costia smiled as Lexa feigned hurt.

"It means they have great taste in music and maybe I'll ditch you and join them."

"Isn't that Anya's car?"

Lexa looked up at the car in the driveway. "Yeah it is." Her eyes trailed up to the familiar door as she heard the sound of laughter coming from the other side of the road. Turning her head she looked at the house across the street.

"Why didn't she invite you over then?"

"It's not her house she's at. She's over here." Lexa nodded her head in the direction of the other house before continuing to walk again.

"Woah, slow down. I take it that's Clarke's house?"

Lexa nodded as they continued to walk. "Yeah, it is."

Costia caught up with her and took a hold of her arm and rested her head on Lexa's shoulder. "I'm sorry that it has to be like this."

"No, it's my fault, I caused this. Karma really is a bitch but I deserve it all."

"What do you mean?"

Lexa shook her head. "I wanted to talk to you about this before but we've both been s busy."

"Lex, what's going on?" They stopped walking as Lexa looked up towards the sky.

"Clarke, never cheated on me."

"What? But I thought…all the avoiding and all the late hours."

Lexa shook her head. "I saw her with Bellamy that night." Costia had a confused look on her face. "Bellamy is Octavia's brother. Clarke has always had this rule about not dating her friends siblings. Bellamy is like a brother to her, I jumped to all the wrong conclusions. They were having dinner to celebrate," she paused and took a breathe, "they were having dinner to celebrate me proposing."

"You hadn't proposed though. I'm sorry Lex but I call bullshit."

Lexa shook her head. "No, Clarke may be hard headed and stubborn but she isn't a liar. It was me that messed up, not her and she has every right to be pissed at me, she has every right to hate me."

"What are you saying Lexa? That you regret what happened?"

"Of course I regret what happened, I hurt someone I used to love for no damn reason."

The tears started to well up in Costia's eyes. "Fine, then why don't you go and be with her then, your one and only true love."

"Costia! Stop, you're doing that over dramatic thing again. I never said I regretted you, just that I regret what happened between Clarke and I. I don't generally like hurting people, especially when it turns out to be for no reason. I should have listened to her but I didn't and maybe she was always right and things happen for a reason but we're here now and that is something I don't regret."

Costia shook her head angrily. "I'm sure you don't, if she wasn't so pissed at you, you probably would have run right back to her because it's always been about Clarke. Everything has always been about Clarke so you know what, go have fun with Clarke since all your friends seem to love her too." With that she turned and started walking back up the hill.

Lexa called after her but she was upset that Costia could think so low of her after she had just explained the truth. She wanted to get mad and yell and she knew that would happen if she chased after her fiancé so she let her walk away, opting to take a short cut to the beach instead getting food. As she walked down the path she could still hear the sound of music and her friends laughing. Her emotions were all over the place and she was actually somewhat excited to about going to the cottage. If she was honest with herself then it'd be easy for her to admit how much she missed Clarke, how much missed the whole group being together but she wasn't about to be honest with herself because she had no idea what any of those feelings really meant.

XOXO

Clarke stood in her backyard in blue jean shorts, a black tank top and a plaid red shirt with the sleeves rolled up to her elbows. She took a sip of the beer in her hand as Octavia moved away from watching Anya grill to hug her best friend. It was the first time since Clarke had been back that she was truly enjoying herself. The weather was perfect, the beers were cold and the company was stellar, even though she'd never admit that last part to them.

Without warning the two friends started dancing and pointing at Raven and Echo. It didn't take long for them all to burst out into a fit of giggles. They attempted to keep singing through the giggles but eventually the giggles got the better of them.

As the night continued on Clarke couldn't help but feel as though there was something missing. It was so small that she hadn't noticed it at first but the alcohol was clearly starting to go to her head. Grabbing her beer bottle she walked over to the railing of her deck and looked out at the water. It wasn't until Raven came up from behind her and stood next to her that she realized what was missing, or rather who was missing. Being in California without her was entirely too weird and it didn't feel right but it was what it was.

"What's on your mind Griff?"

"Hmm, oh nothing, just starting to get a bit of a headache." She didn't bother looking at Raven, she didn't have too, she knew the other woman would know she was lying.

"Spit it out and no I don't mean the beer."

Clarke shrugged as she sighed deeply without meaning too. "It's all so weird, us all being here and she's not. I am so angry and pissed off at her but at the same time, I kind of miss her. Everything about this place reminds me of her and of us and it all just hurts. It's one of the reasons why I don't visit very often. I know how silly that sounds but it's how I feel."

"It's not silly, it's normal. That's what happens when you break up with someone. Neither of you went through that when it happened, you both buried it and kept walking without stopping to deal with the consequences."

"I didn't want to deal with it, I just wanted the pain to be gone, I still do."

Raven wrapped a supportive arm around Clarke's shoulders. "It will but you have to feel it and get through it in order for it to not let it get to you anymore. You'll come out stronger on the other side. Pushing it away only gets so far, and the fact that four years later you're standing here talking to me about it means that you haven't taken more than a step."

Clare offered Raven a small smile as she leaned her head on her best friends shoulder. "It feels like I can't breathe and all I want to do is yell at her and then yell at her some more. But then I feel selfish because I got everything I wanted when I moved to New York. The perfect apartment, amazing friends and an astonishing career."

"But you didn't get the girl."

Clarke nodded. "But I didn't get the girl and I'm okay with that, I've come to terms with that. I'm happy where I'm at in my life and deep down I'm glad she seems to be happy too. It's all could ever want for her, to be happy, but I can't help but wonder what life would be like it we had stayed together. Then I remind myself that everything happens for a reason and I wouldn't be the person I am if we had stayed together."

"And yet you wouldn't be the person you are if she hadn't been in your life."

"Stop finishing my thoughts." She laughed, lifting her head back up. "I don't know what to say. I don't know how to act."

"Sweetie, no one would know how to act in this situation. At some point I think it might be best for you both to sit down and talk it out. You're never going to get anywhere if you don't and it may make you feel better."

"I've gone over and over it in my head and I can't figure out how she could just cut me out of her life. One day we were talking and great then the next thing I know I'm stepping off a plane at LAX four years later. Four years without talking to someone I used to talk to every single day. It didn't matter if my day was great or terrible we talked about it, when I was happy or stressed, we talked about it. She was my best friend and I left her, I left her here alone with a vulture."

"Lexa fucked up Clarke, not you. Sure you moved and yes I'm sure that was hard for her, in fact I know it was but that doesn't condone her doing what she did, and more importantly it doesn't condone how she did it."

"If she wasn't happy she should have just told me. I always told her that all I ever wanted for her to be happy and that I would stop at nothing to see that through."

"There's only one person who can answer those questions, enough time has passed now, and maybe she'll give you a straight answer. She never gave me one when I asked her a long time ago but I was also doing a lot of yelling." Clarke chuckled at the image of Raven scolding Lexa. "For now, let's go get another beer and make Anya make us some more food."

Raven faded back into the distance and Clarke was left to ponder their discussion for a brief moment before taking a deep breath and heading back over to her friends.

XOXO

New York – Four Years Ago

"Did you see that Bell?" Clarke asked as she looked out the window of the restaurant and across the street.

"See what?" He questioned as she took another bite of his dinner.

Clarke shook her head as if that would help her see better. "Across the road, there's a woman that looks a lot like Lexa holding up a bouquet of flowers. I think my mind is seeing things."

Bellamy looked over in Clarke's direction and put his fork down. "Mine must be too because that definitely looks like Lexa."

It was then that she saw the figure start to move further and further away into the darkness. Clarke sprang up from her seat and ran outside without her umbrella, not caring about how wet she got even though she knew it meant Lexa would lecture her about getting sick. She ran down the street after her and even with the rain coming down she knew it was Lexa, she always knew when Lexa was around.

She called out for her but it was no use. Giving up on yelling she put all her effort into running after her girlfriend. Never had she been so grateful for all of Octavia's insisting they go running. As she got close enough she watched as the woman got into a cab, taking the last few long strides she stood in place where the cab had just left. Looking over she saw a bouquet of her favourite flowers sitting on top of the garbage bin.

Her heart felt as though it was breaking into a trillion tiny little pieces, her breath shortened and she knew she was having a panic attack. She sat down on the curb, the flowers sitting across her lap. She went to pull out of her phone and realized that she had left it in her purse, in the restaurant. It felt like her feet her cemented to the ground so she sat on the curb in her best dress with the rain pouring down around her. She didn't know it then but that would be the last time she saw Lexa Callaway in years, or maybe she secretly had known.

XOXO

"Here we are, our final destination, the Greek Islands." Costia grinned as she sat her suitcase down in the hotel room and laid down on the bed. "And by far the best bed out of the whole trip. You're going to have to carry me everywhere because I am never getting out of this bed Lex."

Lexa offered her a weak smile and sat down on the edge of the bed. Clarke had always talked about going to Greece and how she wanted to paint the entire country. She let her head fall into her hands and the minute she closed her eyes she saw the blonde kissing someone else. It was haunting her and she didn't know how to deal with it, it hurt way to much and she didn't want it to hurt. She didn't want to feel anything because she didn't want to believe that this was real but it was, she had seen it with her own eyes. The way the blonde had been laughing, her cheeky smile on full display. She kept wishing and hoping that at some point she'd wake up from the nightmare she was currently living.

She felt a gentle hand on her back and she stiffened slightly from the touch before relaxing. It was so odd to have anyone else but Clarke really comfort her. "It'll take some time, but the pain will go away." She heard Costia speak, she felt her head nod in response but her heart still ached.

Later that night Lexa stood in her black sundress over looking the water. The music was still loud behind her but as she took another sip of her drink she felt the world start to fade away. She had managed to drink enough to numb the ache in her heart. She took her phone out and looked down at all the missed the calls from Clarke, her parents, Anya and even Octavia. She unlocked the home screen and bit back the tears as she looked at her favourite picture of Clarke. She finished her drink and without another thought she threw her phone into the Mediterranean.

"Come dance with me?" She felt hands on her hips turning her around. She leaned against the railing and drunkenly smiled. She had to let go, just like Clarke had so she let Costia take her hand and lead her out onto the dance floor. She tried to ignore the fact that Clarke would have loved this place, the music, the view, the vibe. She tried to ignore the thought of them dancing and going skinny dipping before messily ending up back in their bed. She wasn't thinking straight, the alcohol was making her head spin so she let her body give in to it's surroundings.

"You hate this music though." Costia shrugged and in that moment it was enough for Lexa to let go.

The next morning she woke up with one hell of a headache. Her head was so fuzzy as she tried to remember how she had gotten so drunk the night before. Slowly she lifted her head off the pillow and reached for her nightstand, certain that there would be a bottle of water and advil there for her like there always was but to her surprise nothing was there. Opening her eyes she realized she wasn't in her room, she wasn't in her bed and she was completely naked. The ache in her chest started to return as she felt the body in the bed with her start to stir. Looking over she saw long brown hair splayed across the pillow. The bed sheets were a mess, clothes were scattered across the floor and instead of feeling better, she felt like her world had just collapsed. Even though she didn't remember how she got back to their room or into bed, it was pretty clear in her mind that she had had sex with Costia. She was confused and hurting but worst of all for the first time in years she had no idea where her life was headed.

Getting out of bed she threw on some clothes and went in search of her purse. Finding it under a pile of clothes she reached in for her purse only to find that it wasn't there. Shaking her head she remembered throwing it into the sea and dancing with Costia but as hard as she tried she could not remember anything after that.

XOXO

"Have you left yet?"

"Well hello to you too sunshine." Lexa answered her phone over the stereo in her car.

She could swear she heard Anya roll her eyes. "Can you pick me up please?"

"Raven said you were driving up with her because I need to get the boat. Which I don't understand because Raven has her own boat."

Anya thanked her wit and reminded herself to kill Raven later. "Yeah but I overslept and the bitch left without me, you know how she is with time and everything. Plus she picked up Octavia and Echo."

"Octavia is going to be there?"

"Did I forget to mention that? Don't worry I promise I won't let her kill you in your sleep, or drown you. Though she has threatened all of them." Anya laughed and Lexa could only shake her head.

"I'll be there in ten I'm just leaving the marina now."

XOXO

Exactly ten minutes later Lexa pulled her jeep up to the Anya's house, boat and all. She sent Anya a text before looking out her window where she saw Clarke leaning against Octavia's motorcycle. Bags at her feet. Rolling down her window, letting the sound of The Miracles spill out she called out to her ex girlfriend.

"Why do I think we've been set up?" She was pretty certain she was right with the look on Clarke's face.

"You aren't Anya, that's for sure. She told me she went to the store and would be back to pick me up because I just got home from work."

A long pause as both women looked in every direction other than at each other. "I take it they told you I wasn't going?"

Clarke nodded. "I'll hypothesize they told you the same."

Lexa sighed. "They did. Them being friends is a terrible thing for this world." She wasn't sure why she was being so chatty, she really just wanted to get out and run back to her house. She stayed put. "You're welcome to ride up with me, but I won't take offense if you want to take your own car. I mean I don't have to go at all, you can go. You should go, you work hard." More rambling.

"I don't have my car, Octavia took it and mom is at the hospital. It's fine you should go. I don't mind logging the extra hours at work." Clarke went to pick up her bag as Lexa got out of the jeep to help her. Neither were sure why she had, but they both summed it up to old habits again.

"You can take the jeep. I can walk home from here, not exactly like it's that far."

Clarke raised an eyebrow. "You don't let anyone drive that jeep." It was true, Lexa never let anyone drive her jeep. It was her first car and she cherished it more than anything.

"I let you drive it."

"Twice."

"Better than nothing, but seriously offer stands, it's the least I can do for being a selfish asshole."

Clarke nodded in agreement but didn't say anything else. "Get in the car and drive Callaway, this clearly means too much too them. Plus I really want to find out what they're up too. We don't need to speak, we don't need to make small talk, we can just drive."

Lexa got back into the jeep. "Let's go then Griffin, move your ass before we run out of daylight."

"It's seriously 11 a.m." Clarke threw her bag into the back of the jeep and got in.

"Yeah which means the day is half done." Lexa tried not to smile because none of this was funny or cute, except it kind of was because it reminded her of how the two had been to each other in high school. Sort of friends but not really, but with their family history they knew far too much about the other one.

TBC…