Chapter 5

An Endless Loop

"Ten different mirrors shows your ten different faces"

Warning: mentions abuse, death.

Dreams. Dreams are our brain's way of interpreting thoughts. Ever wonder why your dreams sometimes make no sense at all? I do. Our brain just pieces together floating thoughts from our subconscious mind to form a dream. I have always wondered what an innocent child would dream I'll never know for sure. My dreams were always plagued by death and pain. People go to sleep to relax, to get over the stress. I was always afraid to sleep. For a decade I never had any dreams, I only had nightmares. Every night I begged God to help me. I begged for anyone to help me. It never came. Every day I followed the same routine. Wake up, make breakfast, go to school, get bullied, walk back home, make dinner, clean the plates, clean the house. I had a ten minute window to use the bathroom. Ten bloody minutes!
I have never been inside a movie theater, never saw a beach, and never ate a pizza. A week never passed by without me having a bruise, cut, or a broken bone. I have always wondered why my bones mended so fast. I hoped against hope for someone to notice the fact that I was being abused. I still wonder why no one noticed the bruises. I never was brave, always was a coward. I always took the beatings Vernon gave me without protest. Never did I ask for food when Petunia was fattening up her Whale. Do you know that severe depression can be hidden? I do. Nobody looked past my mask. They all believed the lies fed by Petunia. Apparently I was a sociopath. I begged someone, anyone to help me. Until one day I stopped caring altogether.

When I woke up that morning I was greeted by the same smiley face that I had drawn with blood about two years ago. It was a dark brown color by then. There was nothing special about that day except for the fact that it was my tenth birthday. I must have been distracted by that inconsequential fact because I didn't notice I had burnt the bacon. Neither did I notice that Vernon was drunk nor the smoke alarm going off. I was thinking over and over again. Why, Why me? Why didn't I die along with my parents? Funny, my birthday wish was to die. I was a coward. I didn't have the courage for suicide .Believe me, I tried. It takes immense courage to end your own life.

"Good for nothing bastard" was all I heard before I fell to the floor. I thought Vernon had hit me. But why was I wet? I was bleeding; a kitchen knife was still embedded in my lower right abdomen. I didn't care the pain. We were old friends, pain and I, friends forever. The last thought I had before I passed out was that my wish finally came true. Someone above had answered my prayer.

Then I woke up. My wound was duct taped. I was back in my cupboard. That was when I snapped. I hadn't cried for years. But that night I cried. I cried like a baby. Cried till my eyes ached, till my lungs grew tired. I cried because I finally realized I had no one. No one cared for me, not even God. I realized that everyone had nightmares when they slept, but not me. No, my entire life was a nightmare. From that day onward I put on a mask. I was a cold, shriveled being on the inside but on the outside I was a shy awkward person. It was an act; it was my way of scoffing at the world. It was me shouting at the world that Harry Potter was dead. I killed him because he wished to die. I became a robot.

Then he came. Hagrid. Poor man, he never met Harry .He met the robot. But he created a spark in Harry. Magic, his magic, she must have been the one who caused that spark. Dear old Harry, he was given hope. He began to heal. Inch by inch, day by day he began healing himself. He acted all cheery outside. The robot had friends. Ron, Hermione, Neville, Seamus, Dean. Poor Harry, he wondered whether they were friends with the robot or him. He never felt happy. Oh he laughed, he cheered, and he felt the adrenalin rush when he flew and he liked it all. But he never was truly happy for something made him feel incomplete. But he was recovering. Slowly but steadily, he was healing. Finally he felt the first ray of happiness.

But then he came. Voldemort.

Poor Harry was now a murderer. No one asked him how he felt, oh. They all rushed to help his body but nobody asked him how he felt. So he took it up on himself to ask how it felt to be a murderer. He was sent back to the Dursley's, his personal hell. This time he was sent there because he needed to be punished for his crime. He became a robot t again. Then he came back to Hogwarts and began healing himself again. Like a broken record, like an endless loop, bending and mending.

I went down to the chamber because I never feared death.

No, my fear is that one day I'll wake up and realize that this has all been a dream. That I never came here, that this has all been my imagination.

Only one other person knows about this. If I had gone back to the Dursley's I would have been broken again .She is the only one who knows me. Tamsyln, she is my salvation, my hope. When she tended to my health down in the chamber I truly felt something after a long time. I felt companionship. She cared for me. She never had to. I was not her friend, not her patient. Yet she cared for me. When she told me she saw my entire life, I felt relieved. I never wanted anyone to know what I had gone through. Still I felt like someone had lifted a weight off my chest.

She has her own Demons. A person with no parents, no past, filled with the memories of an abused twelve year old. I don't need to be a damn psychologist to know that she has her own demons.

The truth is that I never was what they all saw. I want to break free. I want to make sure that there will never be a Harry Potter again. I won't allow any child to grow without parents. It was and is my dream. That was the reason why the Sorting Hat placed me in Gryffindor, because I had a noble cause. What a load of shite. Looking back it should have placed me in Slytherin for the ambition I had.

Little did I know that I was about to be broken again.

When I entered the chamber it was silent as usual. I decided to surprise Tam. I conjured some flowers and slowly opened her bedroom door.

What I saw will always haunt me till my death.

Her eyes were open, but her pupils were hidden, all I could see were the whites of her eyes. Her back was arched. She was screaming, but no sound came out. I stood dumbly for a second before rushing over to her. I tried everything I knew, blood magic, dark arts but nothing worked. I didn't know what was wrong with her. Finally just before I decided to take her to hospital wing she let out a breath and slowly relaxed. Her eyes grew wide seeing me. I hugged her.

"What happened?" I half asked, half demanded.

"N-Nothing" She tried to move out of my reach. I grabbed her and forced her to look into my eyes.

"What happened, Tam?"

"It's nothing. I've had worse, trust me." She tried once again to move but I held her forcibly.

"What do you mean you had worse? How long has this been going on?"

"I- No, It's nothing Harry. I-" She coughed. I waited for her to regain her composure but she coughed again and again. She tried to cover her mouth but a bit fell on my shirt. It was red in color.

Blood, she was coughing blood.

"We are going to the hospital wing NOW. I don't care what you have to say, but we are going now" I ordered her.

She smiled sadly and a horrible thought struck me.

"No" I whispered. "No" I said again with more force. "No, no, no, no, no'' It can't be. I hoped against hope that it was not happening.

She caressed my jaw with her hands. " I am dying, Harry"

She said it so softly, so calmly. But it felt as if she had stabbed my heart.

"NO" I shouted. I hoped that shouting it out would make it untrue.

"Don't be sad, Harry. I've known it all along." She cupped my cheeks and spoke so softly.

"Yeah, you're right. We can find a cure. I just overreacted" I tried to calm down.

She smiled again, that beautiful yet sad smile.

"There is no cure, Harry"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT THERE'S NO CURE?" I shouted at the top of my lungs. I glared at her. She glared back at me.

"I meant exactly that. Why the hell are you shouting at me? Do you think I want to die? That I never researched it? I have known it for about an year now. I don't want to die you idiot, I want to live. But FUCK I can't. So I decided to accept it. I made sure that when the day comes I will face it bravely." She shouted back at me.

"FUCK YOU" I spat. "You can't die on me like that you bitch. You can't just leave me alone. SO FUCK YOU AND YOUR DEATH SHIT, 'CAUSE I'M NOT GONNA SIT HERE AND LET YOU DIE. YOU'RE EVERYTHING I HAVE FOR FUCK'S SAKE."

"WELL, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?" she shouted back at me with eyes full of tears.

"I want you to live; I want you to not die" I didn't even care that I was crying.

"I want to live too, you idiot" she broke down and hugged me. We stood like that for some time, neither one of us spoke, we didn't wipe our eyes. We just stood there holding onto each other.

"Wh-why" I asked after what seemed like an eternity.

"I was never meant to be, Harry. I'm a mistake. You were right, magic can't create life; Guess we can't break the fundamental law of magic, huh?" Her lips were quivering.

"How?"

"I've always wanted to watch the lake, can we go?" She asked. I nodded. As we walked towards the lake I looped my arms around her and held her close to me.

"It's beautiful" she whispered and I nodded. I didn't want to think, I thought that if I didn't think about it, it won't happen.

I sat down and leaned against a tree. I did not know what kind of tree it was. It was old yet short. Its branches arched over our heads, leaning over the lake. She put her head in my lap. As I ran my fingers through her hair, she closed her eyes and let out a sigh.

"I am a mistake, aren't I?" she was looking at her arms, examining it as if it was something strange.

"Never say that Tam, you are a gift. You know how I wished for someone to help me, to notice me when I was a kid? "

She nodded.

"You came for me Tam, You saved me. That's why you can't leave me, you are my anchor Tam. If you leave I'll be broken again."

" I want to, Harry, I want to. You have no idea how much I want to. You know how I was unable to move more than hundred meters away from you all those months ago?" I nodded. "Yet for the last weeks we were able to move as far as we wanted to. You didn't even notice anything last night, did you? "She didn't wait for my reply."That's because I am fading. I am bound to your life force Harry, and the bond weakening because I'm fading."

She's fading; it kept on repeating like a broken record, like an endless loop. I had not cried after that night. But now, knowing that she was going to die, I couldn't stop my tears. They fell on her cheeks. She raised her hands and wiped my eyes. Her hands, so soft, caressed my cheeks.

"Don't cry Harry. You have beautiful eyes, they should never be allowed to cry" She spoke calmly.

I suppressed a choke.

"How long?"

"I was created because you needed someone to mend you Harry, You needed someone and Magic granted your wish. She heard your prayers. But now, you don't need someone to mend you. Magic knows this so I have to go now."

"But I do, I do need you. Tam I-I Lo-"

She clamped her hand on my mouth. "Don't say it Harry, please don't say it. You may think that you love me but you don't. With time you may love me, you have feelings for me; Strong feelings yet it's not enough to say that.' She pleaded.

"You don't know what I feel Tam" I was pleading, begging for her to listen, stay.

"I know Harry. That's why I'm saying this. I know what you feel; I know everything you know because I love you."

That was the first time in my life anyone had said that to me. Yet no matter how much I wanted to tell her the same thing I know she wouldn't want me to. She looked into my eyes, black eyes pierced into mine.

"I love you Harry. I love how you smile, how you try to help others, how you always put others before you, how you tried to console me. I love all of you Harry, for I have watched your entire life. How can I not fall in love with you? It breaks my heart to know that you'll never be mine. I want to kiss you, but I won't because those lips can't be mine. I want to you to say that you love me, but yet I won't allow you for it'll only break your heart." Her eyes watered up and she blinked trying not to cry.

"You can't die Tam" I begged her.

"Oh but I won't Harry, I'll just go back inside you. I'll always be with you. I'll always be within you, forever"

" You are mad, dear" I choked.

"Aren't we all Harry?"

We stayed like that for god knows how long. She grew less and less solid with time.

"Why now?" I broke the silence.

"Magic is all about intent Harry, she sensed that you needed help and help she gave. But now I have no purpose. For her I am just a spell that's about to get expired." Professor mode back on. Was it wrong of me to smile at that?

"Can you promise me something Harry?"

"Anything for you sweet heart, anything for you." I tried to put on a brave face for her sake. But the effect was ruined by the tears that ran down my cheeks.

"I want you to promise me that you'll stop pretending. You think that you are a cold, shriveled being .But you are not, Harry, you are not. Believe me, I have seen your heart, I know more about you than anyone else. Promise me that you won't break, that you won't let yourself be taken over by that robot. I want you to promise me that you'll keep on fighting. I want you to promise me, Harry, that you'll never forget me" her outline was blurred now; I could feel her head getting lighter and lighter.

"I promise Tam"

I was trying so hard not to break down; she wouldn't want to see that. I softly kissed her forehead.

"I wish we had more time Harry, Then you would have been able to love me as much as you want to"

"A bit full of yourself, aren't you dear?" I asked.

"Oh, Like you can resist this" she waved her hands over her body.

We both laughed, Laughed more than what we should have laughed. We both wanted to cherish that moment. I kept on stroking her hair.

"Harry?"

"mmhm"

"Why do you like treacle tart?"

"I dunno. I just do"

"mmhhm"

.Silence.

"Harry?"

"Yeah?"

"There is life after love and there is love after love". She said it so seriously that I couldn't help make a crack at it.

"That is so cheesy"

"Shut up, I'm serious" She sat up and tried to smack my arm but it passed right through.

"Huh, guess my time's up" She tilted her head and that lone strand stood out. I tried to tuck it in, but my hands passed straight through it. I'll never be able to tuck it in. It was as if a dam had broken. My occlumency shields broke and I was flooded with emotions. I gasped for air but my lungs just wouldn't work. I wanted to touch her but my hands were numb.

She glowed before bursting into golden mist. It flowed towards me and fused into me. I don't know how it happened for I was still looking at where Tam once stood.

I didn't move for a long time. I did not move till the first ray of moonlight touched the ground where Tam once stood. Then I let out a cry. I shouted at the top of my lungs, I cried and cried. I cried till the sun came up.

I was alone, again. Tam, she was gone.

No, she's not gone I reminded myself. 'She's within you and she wouldn't want you to cry'I told myself. I won't break, for I have a promise to keep.

I stood up. No more hiding. I just lost my queen. The game just changed.

I am NOT Tom.

I am NOT Dumbledore.

I am NOT what the world wants me to be.

I am Harry James Potter. I was playing till now. But Tamsyln would want me to win. I'm going to change the game. I am going to blast that cursed chessboard to oblivion. I am Harry James Potter and I shall uproot the entire world if I have to.

A/N: A/N: So that just happened. I created Tam. So before you guys flame me know that it wasn't easy for me to "Kill" her. I don't want to make this a typical "Soul Mates" fic were Harry has full support from his mate. One of my best friends just reviewed this fic without knowing that I was the author. I took his advice. I am going to give you some more twists and plots. This fic won't be one where harry is going to be super powered in one night and goes to gringotts for a goblin inheritance test shit. Know this, Harry won't be broken but he won't be perfect either. You'll know what I mean when I update again.