(Dizzy)

It's my last night in Megaton. I know that I should be enthused. I should be happy, rejoicing at the fact that I get to go out into the Capital Wasteland and fulfill this wanderlust I've been keeping buried inside. A part of me, I guess, is a bit excited. But mostly I'm just feeling lonely. As Cain and I leave our house to go take our place in the celebration by talking and mingling, there's this big, dark cloud that follows me. There's a pitfall in my stomach, every time I look at him. Or my father. Or my mother. Everyone in town, really.

People change when they grow up. They become too involved with everything, hormones and whatnot, and the little things don't hold much importance to anyone. Most of the time, people simply grow out of it, wrongs are forgiven, and things go back to the way they were. I wish I could say I'm a prime example of that, but, I'm not. If I could change it, though, and turn back time…I'd do it differently.

As a child, I was so happy. I had both my father, and Cain watching over me. Above all, I was a daddy's girl. I remember, being so little, and my high-pitched voice echoing over Megaton whenever I lost him. To me, he was a hero. He was everything and anything I wanted him to be. In my eyes, still, my father does no wrong. Back then, even now a bit, he treated strangers with hostility, and judgments. But, with me…he was different. He was so lovingly gentle. People often stopped to watch us play together, because it was cute, I suppose. I would make him play teahouse with me, and we'd sip fake tea out of imaginary cups. And dad played along with it, too. He never broke his role from Mrs. Fathington. Whomever she was.

But when something went wrong, when I got hurt, or bullied, or strange men asked me strange things, he was there. My brother was always there first, but it was different. I wanted to be Cain. Be accepted by him, follow him, and do everything he did. With my father, I could just be me. I could be Dizzy. As much as Dizzy as I could be at that young age. Whenever something happened, my father would scoop me in those large arms, and hold me in one, with his gun in the other. I knew when that gun came out, and he held me close, no one would dare try to rip my pretty dress.

Dad would let me ride on his shoulders, too. I'd ride on his shoulders, and be taller than anyone in the whole world. Taller than Cain, even. It meant so much to me back then, to have their love. Their acceptance. My mother and I were always close, but I never felt that I could open up to her. For my entire life, I felt they were hiding something from me. And turns out, they were. That secret, though, is what kept my mother and I from really bonding. Of course I love her, she's my mother, and I know she loves me. Together, though, we act more like friends or sisters, than mother and daughter.

Then things changed. Cain hit puberty. Dad decided it was time to teach him how to defend himself. Night after night, I'd be alone. I wasn't mad that I wasn't with them, I was mad that both of them were gone at the same time. Often, they wouldn't come back until I was asleep. Mom would carry me to my room, and usually I'd wake up in the middle of the night. I'd creep downstairs, sometimes, to see if anyone was awake. There were times when my dad was. He would be reading a pre-war book someone found, or just tinkering with his gun.

He'd call me over, and I'd sit with him.

"Dizzy,"

He'd say…

"You're going to need a gun one day, so you better start thinking about which one you want."

And I'd point and smile and go…

"Yours, daddy! I want your gun!"

And we'd laugh for a bit, as I played with the empty shotgun. He always emptied it before letting me play.

"My gun is far too powerful for you. You're a small girl, you need a small gun."

"But I'm strong, daddy. I'm going to be just like you, and just like Cain."

Dad always had a big grin on his face when I'd say that. Those moments alone with him, late at night when we should be sleeping…I hold them close. Because…everything…changes.

Pretty soon, it was me who hit puberty. I stopped caring about my parents, and by then given up on Cain, who was far too cool to be seen with me anyways. It wasn't like my home life was bad, or anything. It was great, and I was a happy kid. Thing is, though, that acceptance I longed for from my brother was never given. Although dad always says how much I remind him of himself, Cain never said it. Cain…was different.

From a young age, I knew he was strange. There was always something off about him. As he grew, and I grew, I began to see how little of mom there was in him. He didn't take on any of her traits, looks, or moods. Instead he was a mirror image of my father, and grew into it fast. By the time he was seventeen, Cain was as big and broad as dad. Zack at least, holds semblance to Gob. But Cain…you can tell, he wasn't my mother's child. So I guess, that's where the feelings began, too.

Since I knew something was off, although we were raised as siblings, I began to see him differently. My father was my savior, but Cain was something my father wasn't. Cain was interesting. He was mysterious, intriguing, and offered me comfort that my father could never give, due to his role as a father. I felt safe with dad, but I felt like a girl with Cain. He'd tell me all the time, how pretty I was, when all the other boys laughed at me. When he held my hand, it made me warm inside. It wasn't something a sibling should feel for their other.

I realized when I got into my teens what I was feeling. I saw him as handsome, and since he looks exactly like my father, I knew it was wrong. So, I sought rebellion and comfort in the Raiders. I wanted to prove to myself I was normal, and the feelings I held for Cain could be given to some other boy. I tried so hard, but nothing ever did, or does, compare to what I feel for him. When the inevitable truth of everything came out, it didn't make me feel better. When Cain kissed me, it made me happy, but it scared me, too. I felt like I was kissing my dad. He's a perfect replica of him, and it didn't sit well. It still doesn't. Inside, I feel like a freak.

I hold no strange feelings for my father. I love him, more than any man because he is my father. And he's great to me, and he loves me. But it's a paternal love. With Cain, though, I feel awkward, because I look at him, and see my dad. And thankfully, he's been doing all he can to avoid those feelings I seem to be radiating. I don't want to be a freak anymore. I want my family to love me like they did.

They think I'm an annoyance. A burden, sometimes. Because I stuck with this attitude that I hate. I know I can change it, and there are days when I desperately want to. But, I can't. Because this is the Dizzy they're use to. If I said something smart, or calm, or didn't overreact, they'd think it was strange. They'd think that I'd gone off the deep end. The last thing they would think, is that I'm not who I pretended to be. They don't know, I only acted that way because I wanted to be normal. Because I wanted to prove I didn't love or care about my brother in this way. Even though, late at night, he'd be the only one I wanted to see. Because at night…it gets lonely, knowing you have no one to talk to. No one to confide in. I can't even go to my father, because he too, is use to my outward attitude. Being me, gets lonely.

But there's hope. Because this whole 'Dizzy going out into the Wasteland' thing is the perfect excuse. It's an excuse for me to go out, and come back completely different. Come back as the real me, and blame the change on the adventure. Because right now, if I were to be who I am, there wouldn't be an excuse and no one would believe me. But going out alone, is all I need.

"Hey, where's mom and dad?"

I ask Cain as we head into the crowd. All we really have to do tonight is make an appearance. Usually I'd go off with the Raiders and spend this night drunk and disoriented. Tonight, though, I don't want to do that. Not that I still run with them, but still. Tonight, I just want to do what I've always wanted, and hangout in Megaton.

"Dunno, off doing their own thing probably."

Cain walks close to me, and people move out of his way with ease. His size and muscle, along with the cold look in his blue eyes puts fear in those who don't know him. It's the same exact way with my father.

"We should find them. It is my last night after all."

See that right there? That's the selfishness they've all grown accustomed to. The selfishness that isn't really Dizzy.

"Ah, yeah, in a bit."

We find a nice clear area in front of the giant fire. On a cold night like this, the heat feels nice. Like the perfect temperature you can never get beneath a hot, desert sun. Around us, people laugh, talk, joke, and play music. It's loud, but, if you try, you can tone it out. And when you do, you're left with a giant fire burning in the middle of the Capital Wasteland, and a sky filled with a billion tiny stars, and a feeling of peace that matches none.

Cain and I don't speak, we relax and get lost in our own words. I wonder if, these feelings I have will ever vanish? I hope, because I know Cain and I can never truly be together. Everything is so…fucked because of circumstances. It's all a mess. Had we been two strangers as it should have been, then…maybe…there'd be hope.

As I stare at the stars, I feel Cain's fingers brush mine, and it jolts me from my thoughts. I look over at him, the fire reflecting in his eyes. He's handsome, you know. The perfect picture of a man any woman would desire. Perfectly chiseled features, created to be…the best soldier. Better, than my father. But, no one is better than him.

"Sorry."

He mutters, and gets a look on his face. It's a look that I recognize, because he had it a lot when he'd keep secrets from me as a child. The music slows a bit in the background, giving the performers a chance to rest.

"What's on your mind, huh?"

I ask him, poking his arm. He looks away from the fire, and at the crowd. His hair blows in a cool breeze.

"…I just…am really going to miss you, is all."

"Yeah, how can you not?"

"Dizzy, be serious."

"Sorry."

And I am. I hate when I'm sarcastic like that. I think I get my underlying serious tone from my father. I only act dramatic, because it's expected.

"Diz, I want you to know, that the things I say when I'm upset…I don't mean them."

"What do you mean?"

"Like when I'm mad at you, and say mean things. I don't mean them."

"I know you don't. Why are you telling me this?"

"I have no idea."

I smirk at him, and he looks at me. I like, when he smiles back. Cain has a nice smile. I don't get to enjoy it for long, though. Because suddenly the music stops, and the people grow quiet. Cain and I look around, and see worried expressions on everyone's faces. Odd. Worries are usually forgotten on this night. We stand up, giving one another confused looks. After all what could possibly have happened?

People begin to crowd around one small area. Cain takes my wrist in his hand, and pulls me towards the crowd. We push though, and in the middle, is my mother, father, Gob and Zack. Only, my mother isn't standing. She's on the ground, with her eyes closed.

"Mom?"

I say over the whispers and hushed voices. Cain drops my wrist as we move closer. I notice my dad is in a pre-war suit, which is very odd seeing as how he's never worn anything except his leather armor. But right now this is a small detail, because mom's unconscious in his arms.

"Dad? Dad, what's wrong with mom?"

Cain starts to make everyone move away, and I kneel down in front of dad. I notice mom's skin is peeling really badly, and I'm scared to touch her.

"I don't know, we have to get her home."

Dad tells me, as he lifts her off the ground with ease. Even after a lifetime of seeing his strength, it's still astounding to me. Cain, Gob, Zack and I all follow in a line. Watching the way my father carries my mother, makes me see him differently. Almost as if a switch in my head went off. He doesn't carry her, like some sack of potatoes. Instead, he's careful, delicate, and looks in every direction before taking another step. The citizens of Megaton, and even those just passing through, know to stay away. It's this energy he's putting off. I see now, why my father is so respected, and so feared.

We get mom onto the couch of our home. She's breathing, and everyone crowds around. My father is very concerned, and rightfully so.

"She would only lose skin if she was ghoulifying…"

Gob says, and we look at him.

"No, no it's not ghoulification. The process was permanently stopped. Why begin again after so many years?"

My father asks, while Cain and I remain silent. This is something for Zack, Gob and dad. Not children.

"What else could it be, Charon?"

There's stiff silence. My mother's skin hangs on, in clear strips. There's more underneath, but mom has a lot of scar tissue. There's even places on her that have only bones and muscle. My dad smoothes her hair, and a clump of it falls out in his hand. His eyes grow wide, and he stands up.

"It's Trog."

He states, and everyone looks around at one another.

"Dad? Dad what's that? Is mom going to be alright?"

I love my mom, I don't want her to be in danger. I don't want her to be in pain.

"…It's a disease from The Pitt. Your mother contracted it thirty some-odd years ago. Twenty, maybe, I'm not sure. She made a full recovery, but these are the signs."

"If she made a recovery, why does it start now? Is there a cure?"

My brother asks, concerned.

"Perhaps age, and the Capital Wasteland is growing open. Someone from The Pitt could have possibly given it to her. She was never given the cure, and it could be that without it, it will act."

"So there is a cure then. Where is it?"

I look up at my brother, at the worry on his face. Is it wrong of me, to still call him 'brother'?

"The Pitt. For now, all we can do is rest, and make sure she is safe. Tomorrow I will make the trip. Dizzy, Cain, in my absence, you must care for your mother. She may say things, do things, and act violently. Do not, under any circumstances, let her leave this house."

After my father finishes his lecture, he sends everyone away. The celebration outside goes on, but inside, it's stopped. Gob and Zack return home. I didn't even get to speak with Zack. Cain and I are banished upstairs, while my father busies himself with my mother downstairs.

We listen, obedient. Mom never gets sick, with anything really. It's rare, since aside from Cain we're all immune to radiation. I've never seen dad so worried before. He looked…he looked almost scared. But mom's overcome a lot worse, hasn't she? Maybe since it's been so long since they've had to overcome much of anything, dad's forgotten what it feels like. I don't know. I just know, that I have no idea what Trog is, how mom got it, or if she's going to be okay. This family works as a unit. Without mom, we'd be broken.

I follow Cain into his room, not wanting to be alone. I think he notices this, because he doesn't kick me out. Which is his habit these days. It's understandable, though. He sighs, sitting on his bed and running his fingers through his hair. Outside, people continue on as if nothing happened. They probably think mom drank too much, as most people do on this night.

"…We can't let dad go."

Cain says, as I lean against the wall. I look at him, confused.

"What?"

He lights a cigarette, and shakes his head. I take one from him, and light it myself.

"We can't let dad go, Diz."

"Why not? He's perfectly capable of getting there and back. And he knows what to look for."

Cain stands up and starts to pace. He's always paced, when he's thinking and planning. It's kind of cute, actually.

"But are we perfectly capable of dealing with mom? We don't know what to expect, and we don't know how long dad'll be gone. What if something happens to her? Dad won't ever forgive us, kids or not you know that as well as I do."

"Apparently not, because I'm not his genetic clone…"

Cain pauses for a minute, thought registering on his face. He sighs, and takes long drags of his cigarettes.

"…Dizzy dad…dad was brought up in a way where…they became very protective of whom they were with, let's put it that way. For a really long time dad's only had mom. Following?"

"So far…I guess."

"Alright now think, if the person you were loving, protecting, sharing memories with for thirty some odd years just dies right before your eyes. Dad…may be normal on the outside, but there's deep emotional and mental scars in him. Trust me, Diz, he cannot lose mom."

I don't get what Cain is saying, but there's this look on his face that tells me he isn't being sarcastic. I take a drag of my own cigarette, and wait for him to continue.

"Alright, so what do we do?"

"We go ourselves."

"What?"

"Dizzy, you heard me. This is the adventure you've been waiting for, right? You and I are young, fit, we can do this. We know we have to get to The Pitt, and I have a map."

"You have a map?"

"Yeah but that's not the point. Look, dad can stay here. He'll make sure nothing happens to mom, and we can head out. We're looking for a cure to Trog, and it's in The Pitt. That's more than enough information."

"And you just think dad's gonna let his only biological daughter saunter off with her not-really-big-brother to help their ailing mother when he himself is perfectly capable of doing it himself? And probably been there before, might I add."

Cain gets a mischievous smirk on his face. It's one I haven't seen in a long while. One I've missed terribly.

"No. Which is why we don't tell him."

"You're suggesting we sneak out?"

"Exactly."

It feels like the roles have switched. As if I've become responsible, and Cain reckless. He sees the worry on my face, as I smoke my cigarette and run my fingers through my short, short hair.

"Cain…"

Stepping close to me, Cain looks down. I'm about two inches taller than mom, if that, and Cain is the exact same height as dad. I almost reach his shoulder.

"Dizzy, trust me. Please."

"…Why? All of a sudden…you want to leave when you wouldn't go with me when I thought I was going alone."

"Because you can still do that, but with me."

"You didn't want to go before."

"I didn't have a choice, Diz. You had to do it alone, but, given the circumstances…"

I reach up and smack him over the top of his head.

"You're delirious. Go to bed. Let's discuss this in the morning."

I turn to leave, but Cain grabs my wrist. Turning around, I look in his eyes. There's something new there. Something fresh.

"Dizzy. We can have our own adventure. We can do this."

Call me crazy, but, for some reason…his words give me a bit of hope.