"Well look who it is, it's my favorite jonin in the whole wide world!" Kotetsu was already tipsy by the time Kana and Kakashi arrived to the dumpling shop - he reached out to Kana clumsily as she tried to scoot her way onto the wooden bench, nodding a hello to Raido, who had a bottle of sake in front of him on the table. He raised his tiny cup and downed its contents before greeting the pair.
"'Bout time you two got here," he said, "Kotetsu's about four beers in and we already ordered for you. Hope you had your heart set on those pork buns."
"Where's Genma?" Kakashi asked, looking over his shoulder as his eyes scanned the room, "Wasn't this his idea? Don't tell me he's pouting from earlier?" The corners of Kana's lips twitched upwards at the reminder, and her eyes flitted to the pair that sat next to her. Izumo's right arm was draped over the wooden back of the bench-booth hybrid they sat on, and the other held a beer bottle to his lips. His eyes narrowed in curiosity but he didn't seem to have much of an interest in pursuing any sort of clarification.
Kotetsu, who sat between she and Izumo, appeared to be completely unaware that Kakashi had even said anything as his hands floundered around Kana's body in an attempt to get a comfortable hold on her. She continued to squirm out of his attempts at hugs so he settled with resting his head on her shoulder. "I was so worried about you," he whined, "You were asleep for so long and – why is your hair down?" His head lolled back and allowed her grey hair to drape over his face and neck for effect. "It smells weird."
Raido ignored his drunken fixation on Kana and took another drink. "He was here earlier but was only able to stay long enough to get some soup dumplings to go. Apparently they're getting started on preparations for the Chunin Exams' third stage early, and he's been picked as a proctor so he's got his hands full. Must be a real drag."
"My hair smells weird because I've been sweating in the forest and lying in a hospital bed for the last week, jackass," Kana muttered. She really didn't think he cared that much about her hair being down so she didn't bother explaining that Genma sucked at packing for others. Kotetsu only giggled as his head slid back down so his forehead rested on her neck; the cold metal of his forehead protector on her skin felt sharp and uncomfortable so she attempted to shrug him off but all it accomplished was getting him to practically lay on top of her. 'For god's sake.'
At least the food had finally arrived. She watched in anticipation as the server brought a large tray with different types of steaming dishes, realizing that her hunger had evolved into a feeling of ravenousness. Kana was glad she asked for the pork buns, something she could eat with her hands - with the way her left arm was pinned down by the intoxicated chunin next to her, she would have had to make an attempt to use chopsticks with her inferior right hand. That would have been a mess and a half, though most of it probably would have ended up getting dropped on Kotetsu who was currently being jostled by his best friend.
"Come on, man, you need to get some food into you," Izumo said as he tried to peel the man off like a leech. Kotetsu grunted in protest but forfeited when a bowl of dumpling and noodle soup was pushed in front of him. Her arm felt oddly light at the sudden loss of pressure but was glad to finally be free of his weight; Kana appreciated the friendship she had with the chunin but he got way too cuddly when he was drunk. She scooted to the side a bit for good measure and dragged her plate of buns with her.
The two jonin that sat across from them had already started eating their own meals in silence. It was strange to watch Kakashi eat in public, mostly because it sort of hit home just how secretive he truly was. She watched him hook his thumb under the top layer of his mask and pull it out enough for a dumpling to slip through, the mask snapping back around his chin the second he let go. For a brief moment Kana wondered if any of the others had ever seen his face; it was easy to conclude that the two that sat to her left hadn't, they were more her friends than Kakashi's. Raido seemed to be better friends with her friend, but Kana wondered if she was making the connection simply based off of their age.
She shrugged it off and bit into the first pork bun, relishing how warm and soft it was against her lips. The strong nutty aroma of the sesame oil filled her nose as the taste of pork and bread spread over her tongue. If there was anything Kana loved about the Leaf it was the availability of amazing food. Before she knew it, she had swallowed her first bite and was already going back for her second, feeling as if she hadn't eaten in years.
"You really have never tried these before?"
Kana wiped the thin layer of sesame oil off of her finger tips with a napkin as she swallowed her third bite. "No, oh my god Tachi these are fantastic!"
Her friend looked genuinely pleased at her enthusiasm. His body was angled towards her, with an elbow propped up on the bar they sat at, while he calmly took a sip of water to wash down the saltiness of the pork bun he just finished off. "As strong as your love for good food is, I have to say I'm surprised. But I'm glad you're enjoying them." His voice had a lightness to it that was rare to hear from him in public, Kana noted.
"If you want," she said while chewing, "I can try to find a good recipe for these and make them for lunch sometime next week."
Itachi's eyes widened slightly for a split second and she wondered if he had actually been caught off guard - it wasn't exactly uncommon for her to make food for the other two, but every time she mentioned it or handed him a bento he always looked so surprised.
His face quickly melted into a gentle smile and Itachi reached out to push a stray lock of white hair out of her face, setting it behind her ear. "I would love that."
Kana jabbed her elbow into Shisui's ribs when he tried to sneakily grab her third and final bun, "Senpai, you will not live to see tomorrow."
"Now, is that any way to treat your elder?" he whined while flashing the same lopsided grin that won him the hearts of nearly every kunoichi in their class.
She made a face and twisted away from her friend in a display of possessiveness, "I called you senpai, didn't I?" Disregarding the fact that the three of them had known each other since dirt was new, and they graduated the academy together...
Itachi's fond smile widened as he watched the two ease themselves into the banter they regularly found each other in. When Kana noticed, she grinned and snatched one of his buns off of his plate to all but lob it at Shisui's face.
"Kana?"
Kakashi's concerned voice snapped her out of her thoughts. She looked up and saw that the four men were gazing at her with varying levels of concern – even Kotetsu appeared to have lost his drunken giddiness, only the flush of his cheeks giving away to how much he had been drinking. It occurred to her that she had just been staring at her plate, which had the one pork bun left next to a bowl of ginger salad, while the others had finished off their meals. She was also acutely aware of how strongly her now-black hair contrasted her pale skin. "I…" she started, mind whirling as it tried to conjure up an excuse, "I just…"
"Don't worry about Lee," Kakashi said lazily, "He just needs some time to recuperate and he'll be back in action in no time."
She didn't know if she was grateful for him stepping in to get the attention off of her, or hurt that he so blatantly lied about the extent of Lee's injuries. "Yeah… Yeah you're right."
Her second bun didn't taste as nice.
The sun had gone down by the time the group had left the dumpling shop, but the weekend nightlife had only just begun in the Village Hidden in the Leaves. Kana could faintly hear the sounds of music and chatter from her apartment building as she walked through the outdoor hallway. Kakashi had managed to salvage the mood at the restaurant soon after she broke out of her trance, but it seemed he knew she was still in poor spirits even has her hair lightened with the atmosphere. He insisted on walking her home, though neither of them said a word.
"Kakashi, can I ask you something?"
Out of the corner of her eye she saw her old mentor's exposed eyebrow arch upwards. It was an understandable response; it wasn't as if she ever really asked his permission for anything. "Well I don't see why not." His voice carried his trademark disinterested tone, but she could hear the layer of concern just underneath it.
Kana dropped her eyes to the concrete pathway and focused on the one loose thread that poked out from the top of her shorts. She lifted up a hand and twirled the stray around a calloused fingertip. "The night… The one with the Uchihas… I never…" The kunoichi furrowed her eyebrows as if it would help her organize her thoughts into a proper sentence. "I never told you that I was sorry."
Kakashi's footsteps stopped, and she turned to face him. Even through the mask Kana could see that his expression had visibly darkened. She wondered if he was angry or not as his eye squinted. "Why are you bringing this up now?" he asked, the sharpness of his tone making her flinch. It sounded less like a question, and more like an accusation.
Her mouth hung open as she struggled to think of a way to explain herself. "While I was asleep, I… I dreamt of it and… I just... I hurt you… So bad, Kashi."
"Yes, I am well aware of what you did to me." The bite in his voice caused shame to bloom in Kana's chest. Her cheeks warmed and she hung her head to hide her face. She could still remember the hot wetness of his insides; the feeling of abnormally soft tissue against her skin had haunted her for months. Though it wasn't as bad as the look that Kakashi gave her as she stared into his eyes that night - Kana recalled the look of horror, and agony his eyes held for her as she attempted to end his life. The disappointment he held for her then caused her head to spin. It wasn't until his large hand plopped down onto her shoulder that the kunoichi realized he had approached her. She was too ashamed to do anything other than stare at their exposed toes.
"Look at me, Kana."
"I can't," she whispered.
"Look at me."
Kana bit her lip and forced her head to tilt upwards, realizing immediately that he had pulled his mask down to his neck and his forehead protector up right in the middle of the hall - this wasn't just rare for him, it was a phenomenon within itself. Even then, Kana could only focus on the intense expression that was etched into his mature features. She felt herself shrivel beneath his moonlit gaze and, for the first time in her life, Kana felt small.
With the exception of Itachi she had never seen someone exude such a sense of compassion in her life, not even from Guy. Everything about Kakashi in that moment was tender and kind as he gazed down at her. He raised his other hand and placed it at the nape of Kana's neck. "I am not going to pretend as if I know what truly happened that night," he spoke softly, "But I know what it's like to grow up too fast, Kana. So did Itachi and Shisui, and I watched you three grow to love each other in the years you spent together - we all did. What danger you saw in us I will probably never understand, but I do understand you had been entrusted with protecting Itachi's brother. You did everything within your power to keep Sasuke safe and that isn't something you should apologize for."
Their gazes still locked, Kakashi took her hand in his own and pushed it under his shirt. She felt the raised flesh beneath her fingertips and cringed inwardly – the scar was about four and a half inches long, an inch wide and was strangely soft. Kana could only imagine how much pain she caused him that night as she cut him open in desperation. She felt tears burn at her eyes and her vision blurred.
"I miss them so much," she choked out, doing everything she could to not break down right then and there.
Kakashi covered his left eye and pulled up his mask, but not before a look of guilt flashed across his features. The man pulled her in for a tight embrace and Kana finally swung her arms around him, burying her face into his flak jacket and held onto her former mentor's body as if she was going die if she let go. "Kashi, I… Not having him here… It hurts," she sobbed as she struggled to keep her tears at bay. She only managed to make pathetic noises as she tried to choke out an explanation. Kana didn't know if it was because of the lump in her throat, or because she wasn't sure how a member of the Anbu Black Ops could explain how she still wishes she left the village with the man marked as a traitor.
"I know," was his only response. Kana realized that she didn't need to validate her feelings, not to him. Kakashi understood loss just as well as any other veteran shinobi. She stopped bothering with attempts to speak and allowed him to pull away to unlock her front door. Her body felt strangely light and weak, but still too heavy for her legs to carry; she swayed to the side, her black hair swinging with her head as it dropped. Kana watched the concrete darken with her tears as they fell from her eyes.
"I envy you, Kana," Itachi confessed.
Tearful eyes looked up at his from the coffin before them. The bright midday sun was blocked by clouds, making it abnormally cool for the normally tropical climate. The fingertips that gingerly grazed her palm were warm against her skin despite this, and Kana curled her fingers to lightly hold them.
"You can let yourself cry, and become visibly angry," he explained, "Your emotions are a large part of who you are and, even if you don't form many, the bonds you share with the people in your life are strong." Itachi looked back to their teammate's coffin as it was lowered into the ground. "I have such a tight control on myself that I don't think I could cry even if I wanted to."
He slid his fingers along her hand until their fingers were fully laced together in a private show of affection. "Will you cry for me?"
Kana stumbled against her old friend as he guided her to the bedroom, unsure of when exactly they got inside, and allowed him to gently nudge her onto the bed. The bed shifted behind her as Kakashi sat behind her but she only barely noticed.
"Will you cry for me?"
The photo next to her bed of the Uchiha brothers and herself blurred into a mess of colored splotches as the lump in her throat threatened to suffocate her. She turned her head into the pillow and released an anguished scream; the intense feelings of grief, loneliness and pain she had been burying suddenly rose up to be released, and Kana felt physically ill. Her body spasmed against the sheets as her wail ended in a choked sob, and Kana felt Kakashi wrap a tentative arm around her, holding her in silent solicitude. She pushed her body back against the bed so that she was fully pressed against his, gripping the forearm he held around her in a desperate attempt to get closer to him - it felt as if her body was going to fall apart if Kakashi let go for even a second, and she felt herself tremble uncontrollably as her sobs turned into bawling. For the first time in five years since he left, Kana mourned the loss of her friend.