Chapter 30
The night before the parade, I went with Pam to meet with Vincenzo Sartini, the tailor she had put me in contact with over a month ago. I had sketched out an idea and sent it to him with my measurements and now he was ready for the final fitting. I was surprised Pam knew a tailor as she grew most of her own clothes, but Vincenzo was famous for designing some of the most recognizable costumes among Gotham's Rogue community, including the Joker. So that's where he got all those wonderful purple suits. Vincenzo operated out of a very nondescript building in Coventry, which you had to access from the neighboring alley. We climbed the stairs and Pam knocked in code, two short staccato knocks followed by two regular knocks and three more short knocks. The door opened into a warmly lit parlor filled with beautiful antique furniture, elaborate rugs and tapestries and an intricately carved fireplace. Standing there to greet us with a welcoming smile was a petite woman in her golden years with a beautiful head of thick white hair that was impeccably curled and styled. She was wearing a black shift dress with a handmade lace collar over which she had tied an apron.
"Benvenuto, benvenuto." She came over and gave both of us a kiss on either cheek which kinda took me by surprise. She motioned towards the seating arrangement in front of the fireplace. "Par favore siediti."
She shuffled out of the room and quickly returned with a tray bearing espresso, biscotti, almond and anise cookies, which she placed on the table in front of us.
"Mangia, mangia! Vincenzo sará giusto con voi." She headed back out of the room and could be heard calling to Vincenzo to announce our arrival I assumed. I nibbled on one of the moist almond cookies while we waited. They were absolutely delicious. I'd ask for the recipe if I didn't think I'd blow up my kitchen trying to make them. After a few moments, a man I guessed to be Vincenzo entered the parlor. He was of average height, slightly pudgy around the waist with a balding head that still held silver tufts hair above his ears and at his crown. He was wearing a striped button-down shirt, a four button charcoal vest with red pin striping, matching pants and a gorgeous red tie with blue and green florets. He had a pair of wire-rimmed glasses on the bridge of his nose and a tape measure dangling from around his neck. He had a very friendly face with a silver mustache under his nose.
"Buona sera signora." He walked over to me and took my hands in both of his. "Ah, dolche signora, you must be the Joker's fidanzata. Welcome to my home. Please come with me and see what I have prepared for you."
He led us to a large room in the back of the house. It was a workroom with tables piled high with bolts of fabric, multiple pairs of scissors and shears, trims, thread and patterns. There was a small platform surrounded by a trifold full-length mirror, and a small fitting room through a curtain to one side of the room. He brought Ivy over to take a seat in a nearby chair as he led me through the curtain. There was a dress form in the corner, which held my costume. I was so blown away I couldn't even speak at first. My sketch was crude in comparison to this masterpiece. I had styled my design vaguely off pictures of harlequins and court jesters I had seen on the internet but he took it to a whole other level! The outfit was made completely of very soft black and bright red leather. It was a form-fitting suit that split down the middle with the colors alternating and there were diamonds sewn into it that accented the arms and legs. There was a white ruff at the neck that ended in six white pompoms. The headpiece was a jester's cowl that would completely cover my hair and ears with one red and one black liliripe that also ended in white pompoms. There were white ruffled cuffs on the corresponding gloves and one red and one black low-heeled boot. The final touch was a black domino mask that would need to be glued into place with spirit gum.
"Vincenzo, it's amazing! I can't believe it. You're a miracle worker!" He smiled with pride.
"You try and we make any adjustments you need, okay?" He said in his heavily accented English. He walked out to let me get dressed. I was glad I wore a thong because this thing left very little to the imagination. I was surprised to discover the headpiece didn't distort my hearing, as it seemed to be vented somehow. There were invisible zippers sewn into the seams of the arms, legs and front of the suit to make it easier to get in and out of it. Once I got the whole suit on and looked in the mirror, I almost didn't recognize myself. I looked badass! Truth be told, in this outfit I really felt like a different person. I threw open the curtain and walked into the outer room. Vincenzo had a huge smile on his face seeing his creation come to life and Ivy's jaw dropped to the floor.
"Molto bella! You will break hearts in this! Joker will be molto soddisfatto!"
"Harley, you look amazing! I hate to say this but it really does suit you. Wow!"
"Come, step up bella." Vincenzo took my hand and helped me up onto the platform where he pinched and pinned, measured and stitched until he was completely satisfied. When he finished it was as if I was wearing a second skin. The fabric stretched and moved with me. I tested a few splits and backbends to make sure the thing wouldn't rip and let everything pop out at an inopportune moment.
"I have never felt so amazing in my entire life!" I said as I slowly spun in the mirror examining every angle. I jumped off the platform, threw my arms around Vincenzo's neck and squeezed. "Thank you sooo much! You are a virtuoso Vincenzo!"
"I am proud to have made Joker's amore happy singnora."
He packed up my items in a garment bag and boxes. I paid him in cash and kissed him on the cheek on our way out. I had Ivy drive us to the year-round costume shop where I ran in and picked up some theatrical clown white makeup and powder and some spirit gum while she waited in the car. She dropped me off at my place and I hugged her before I got out of the car.
"Thanks an awful lot Red. I couldn't have pulled all this off without ya!" She hugged me back.
"It was my pleasure Harley. I'm happy when you're happy. I just hope you know what you're getting yourself into. Once you take this leap, there is no going back you know."
"I know Red, I mean maybe Mr. J will get lucky and avoid getting caught by B-man and the Bat Brats. Then I can save this for another time, but if I know my Puddin, he's bound and determined to fight the Bat and that usually means a one-way ticket to Arkham."
"You have the serum and the pods I made for you?"
"Sure do Red."
"And have you figured out a delivery system for the serum yet?"
"Oh yeah. You said it just needs to be shaken up right?" she nodded in agreement. "Then I have just the thing sitting home in my closet. Thanks again, you're the best friend a girl could ask for."
I kissed her on the cheek and headed up to my apartment. I had to take my outfit out of the garment bag to admire it again. It really was outta this world. It made me feel fierce and powerful when I had it on. In a way, I really hoped Mr. J did get caught, just so I had an excuse to wear it. I didn't hear from J, although I hadn't really expected to. When it came to Batman, I rated second best and I knew it. I decided I had better get cleaned up and get to bed early since it looked like tomorrow could turn out to be quite the eventful day.
Sunday morning ended up being bright and clear and the temperatures were warmer than they'd been in a while. It was by no means warm, but fifty-five degrees was definitely better than the twenty to thirty degree weather we'd been having lately. I washed my face and brushed my teeth then started the coffee as I tuned into GNN to watch the St. Patrick's Day parade. It wasn't actually St. Paddy's Day; the parade was always held the first weekend in March but boy it sure looked like it with over two million Gothamites dressed in green. As I settled onto the couch with my coffee and a slightly burnt bagel, I heard my cell phone ring. My real cell, not the prepaids I used with J and Red.
"Hello?"
"Harley, how are you? I haven't heard from you in a while and I was starting to get worried."
"Dick? Oh my God, I'm so sorry I forgot to call you back. Work has just been crazy lately."
"Heh, with the Joker escaping I'd have thought work would be pretty quiet."
"Yeah well six of one, half a dozen of the other, right? No actually I've been roped into a project I'm not real happy about and the sucky thing is it's cost me my best friend to boot."
"What kind of project?"
I explained to him everything that had happened since Diane and Dr. Strange showed up in Arkham's office. I told him what they were up to and my unease at using inmates as test subjects.
"Wow. No wonder you're stressed. How the hell did something like this get approved?"
"I don't know, but you should ask Bruce. Arkham said the board of directors are the ones who approved it and I know Bruce is a member. Surely he knows something about it."
"No Harley, trust me when I tell you he doesn't. He would have said something to me. His love life aside, Bruce is nothing if not ethical. I mean we're talking about the guy who lost fifty billion dollars when he found out Lexcorp was using their joint Waynetech project to turn space mission robots into weapons grade robot soldiers to sell to the US government. He didn't even hesitate about losing that amount of money; he cut all ties with Luthor and his company immediately."
"Are you telling me this is going on illegally?"
"It has to be. Either that or they neglected to invite Bruce to this particular board meeting. Bruce is Arkham Asylum's biggest benefactor and he would have threatened pulling his funding in order to get this project squashed. He's going to hit the roof when I tell him."
"I freaking knew it! I always thought there was something off about Doc Arkham, now I'm starting to figure out what."
"If I were you I'd be more concerned about Dr. Strange. I've heard of him before, here around the precinct. He's smart, calculating and dangerous. You need to stay as far away from him as you can. Listen, I gotta get to the station, my shift is starting soon, but be careful okay?"
"I will, thanks Dick. Talk to you soon."
I knew there was no way this project could be legal. Diane lied to me to further her own damn career and I didn't appreciate her strong-arming her way into my asylum and disrupting my life. I was completely fed up with her. She was committing crimes against humanity! Well, so was Mr. J technically, but I wasn't sleeping with Di, so whatever. Any affection I ever felt for her just went right out the window and I wanted to make her pay.
I was thinking about ways to do just that when I noticed a rather large float coming down the parade route on the television. It was covered in shamrocks, rainbows and had a huge pot of gold in the center. To the casual observer there was nothing amiss, but to me it all stood out like a sore thumb. The men on the float were all dressed in kelly green crushed velvet jackets, knickers and top hats. Each of them wore red wigs and beards so I guessed they were going for the leprechaun look. What struck me were how burly these leprechauns were and the fact that most of them were sporting facial piercings and prison tattoos. Definitely not your normal Irish parade goers, and more than likely Mr. J's men. They were throwing what appeared to be gold coins and green shamrocks out into the crowd. I didn't see J yet, but with his white skin, he tended to be noticed easily. I didn't expect to see him pop up until they reached the grandstand, and the main TV cameras, which was still quite a way down the parade route from their current location.
I sat glued to the broadcast waiting for the inevitable moment Mr. J made his move. As the float neared the grandstand, it slowed and finally came to a complete stop. Bagpipe music began to play, well you really couldn't call it music, it sounded more like a bag of kittens that were just dropped into a pot of boiling water. The top of the pot of gold in the center of the float exploded in a flurry of colorful confetti and the walls fell flat revealing my Joker. I had to giggle when I saw he was dressed in full Highland gear. He had on a kilt and sash in a green and purple tartan and a billowy white dress shirt. He paid attention to detail, I noticed the leather sporran hanging in the front of the kilt, the purple socks with green kilt flashes on his calves and a jaunty Balmoral hat with a green pompom on top adorned his head. He stopped blowing into the bagpipe to everyone's relief and set it by his feet as he addressed the Grand Marshalls and the television cameras in a pretty spot on Irish brogue.
"Happy St. Pad's me lads and lassies! Greetings from yer Uncle Joker! I do so love ta see so many of ye kickin' up yer heels and makin' merry." He was tapped into the grandstand's speaker system via a small wireless mic on his sash that I could barely make out. "Me boyos," he gestured to his henchmen, "have been throwing ye good folks some goodies along the parade route. If ye don't cooperate they will release me Smilex, so if ye don't want to make even merrier, me leprechauns will be collecting your green and gold!" He cackled manically. When next he spoke he dropped the corny accent.
"Now for the bigger and better part of this gag! Let's see who our Grand Marshalls are this year. Mayor Hill, pleasure as always. Katherine Kane our token ginger for this St. Pat's celebration. Bruce Wayne, wait a minute, did anyone see where old Brucie boy got to?" He turned his head from side to side scanning the grandstand for a cowering billionaire playboy. "Oh Brucie, you've run off as always ya big baby! Oh and Senator Crowne, thanks so much for joining us today. I see everyone is having a good time out there in the crowd, but I want you all to really have a blast!" He pulled a detonator from his pocket and held it in his hand. Suddenly a shadow fell over Joker and as he looked up he smiled. Gliding down from a neighboring building was the Batman all grim and determined. Joker quickly reached down and grabbed the bagpipes, pointed them at the caped crusader and hit a mechanism that fired a projectile at the Bat. A spray of green paint covered the Dork Knight and he fell unceremoniously to the ground covered from his boots to his pointy ears in emerald splotches. I fell off the couch I was laughing so hard, as was Mr. J on the newsfeed. B-man looked so freaking ridiculous! A massive fight ensued as the crowd panicked, screamed and began to scatter which was creating mass confusion and chaos. You gotta admit, my Puddin sure had style! B-man and Mr. J were pretty evenly matched in battle, and so far neither had the upper hand. That changed when one of J's henchmen got the drop on the Bat and bashed him in the head with one of the large speakers on the grandstand.
"Well Bat Brain, this has been fun but it's time for me to dash!" J ducked under the tissue papered base of the float and came zipping out riding a Segway. "Ta ta Batsy. Erin go bragh!" J cruised up the street and quickly turned down an alley as B-man tried to follow, but the henchmen were converging and dragging Batsy down. In the far corner of the television screen, I saw the bat brats, Robin and Nightwing had arrived. One by one, the pair cleared out enough of the henchmen to get to B-man and help him out of the fray. At the same time, the float exploded showering Apple Street with debris and tissue paper. It didn't look like anyone got hurt, most of the crowd had since dispersed but the blast did blow out the windows of the neighboring buildings. At that point, it appeared that the Bat brood had disappeared and the feed cut to Jack Ryder for a special report.
I shut off the television and began working on my last minute preparations. I figured at any time I could be getting the call that Mr. J had been dragged back to Arkham by a green and very pissed off Batman and I needed to make sure that Diane and that creep Strange didn't get to him first.