A/N: Sorry it was so short. I'll try harder. Enjoy
I show the initiates to their dorm and showed them the bathroom, following the motions that I had watched Tobias make a year previous. I answer questions like they're a second nature to me. I don't know how this has happened. This is a punishment and I have no way of escaping the life I have been dropped into. I lead them to the dining hall and my eyes immediately look for Tobias, and I see him, and the sight of him makes me heart ache. I don't feel like I can approach him. The way he looked at me when we were in the Pit, he doesn't know me. No one knows me. I half contemplate leaving the dining hall and not eating, but not eating would just be pointless and stupid. Besides, I'm hungry and there looks to be burgers on the tables. I look around the room to see if I recognize anyone….I see Shauna and Zeke sitting together on the other side of the hall, but given my circumstances, they probably don't remember me either. And I don't want to take any chances that they do and I end up walking into a situation that I can't handle. I take a step toward a table in the corner, to eat alone, but stop when I hear Christina.
"Tris!"
I turn and see Christina coming toward me and I smile. At least she knows me. However, I'm not sure if she remembers me in the same way that I do. We were friends during training, but did we remain close in the past year that I seem to be missing from my life? I follow her to a table and watch as she sits down next to Tobias. I stop in my tracks and can't stop to look of horror as I see her kiss his cheek and I have to take a deep breath to keep myself from reacting; to get rid of the facial expression before they see and ask me what's wrong. I have to take a deep breathTo keep myself from crying. This is Dauntless…you don't cry here…crying makes you weak.
"Hey," he says to her with a smile. He doesn't even look at me. It's like I don't even matter to him…and thanks to David, thanks to this sim that's not a sim, I don't. I feel my heart breaking apart into a thousand pieces and I can't move. Christina looks up at me.
"Well are you going to sit or what?" she asks me.
I nod, swallowing past the lump in my throat and move to sit down across from them. I keep my eyes down on my food, trying to focus on anything but the conversation going on between them. This is masochism in its worst form. I' m not entirely sure just how long I can sit here without losing my mind and my patience. I only look up when I feel someone kick my foot and Christina's staring at me like my crazy.
"Well?" she asks.
"What?"
"How does the group look?" she asks me. "Four says that they don't look promising, but then I told him that neither did we."
She laughs and I can't help but notice it…she doesn't call him Tobias. Does she not know his real name? Did he not tell her about his past? Did he take her into his fear landscape? I glance at him, and he's looking at me, but once out eyes meet he turns away, the muscle in his temple pulsing. I sniff before turning my attention back to Christina
"Oh," I say taking a sip of the water that's in front of me. "They look alright. They might surprise us, you know."
"True…were there any of the Stiffs this year?" she asks.
I tense at the word and out of the corner of my eye I see Tobias dose as well. But I won't make anything of it. I can't get my hopes up here. It won't do me any good if I don't play along. There's nothing else I can do. I'm trapped. I shake my head and take a bite of the burger that I've started to squeeze too tightly in my hands. "No," I say. "None this year."
She grins. "Good, because no offense, you were kind of boring in the beginning."
I glance up at her and realize that this isn't how our friendship was. This has been manipulated to the point where I am not supposed to be happy. I am not supposed to get what I want. What does that mean for Caleb? What does that mean for the other people that I care about? I force a laugh and set the burger down. I don't care that it's the first night the initiates are here and there's supposed to be this speech or something, I can't be around this. I finish off my water and am about to get up when someone sits next to me and I feel an arm on my waist. I jump and turn to see Peter looking at me with a grin.
What.
Is.
Happening?
"Hey babe," Peter tells me leaning in to kiss me. I am in such a state of shock that I let him.
"Hey," I say my voice quiet as I turn back to the face the others. I look up, because I feel eyes on me and I realize that it's Tobias staring at me. His eyebrows have come together on his forehead and he looks…well…a little angry. And maybe a bit confused as well. Though I don't understand why. I think I should give up trying to understand what situation I've been placed in, because this is all just ridiculous and stupid and I will never understand.
"How's the group look?" I hear Peter ask, his hand still on my waist and I feel like I'm going to be sick to my stomach. I reach across the table and pour myself some more water and sip at it before answering.
"They look good," I say, my voice shaky.
That's when the cups start hitting the table and a voice starts booming from the balcony that is just above the dining hall. Max begins go speak and I barely hear any if, my heart is beating to fast in my chest, the only thing I can hear is the blood rushing through my body. Keeping me alive. Keeping me here. Then the cheers start up and Peter's hand leaves me and I sip at the water again, closing my eyes and taking a deep breath. Everyone's left from the table, cheering, hollering and celebrating the new initiates. Everyone but me. If I stand, I am more than likely going to pass out and end up back in the infirmary.
"Are you all right?"
I am surprised that I can hear this question, given the noise surrounding me. I open my eyes and see Tobias leaning across the table and looking at me. His hand has half reached out to touch mine, but it looks like he changed his mind at the last minute. How I wish he hadn't stopped.
I shake my head at his question. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know who I am. I know who he is...and in any situation that I'm in, I know that I can always tell him anything. "No," I whisper back, my voice coming out choked and broken. A tear finds its way back my barrier and falls onto my cheek. "No, I'm not."
I set the cup down and get up from the table pushing past the crowds of people and escaping the noise. I turn a corner and stop, resting up against the wall and let the sobs come out. I can't stop them now, even if I wanted to. This isn't my life. I fall to the floor, because I can't hold myself anymore. I hear running footsteps and look up in time for Tobias to skid to a stop and look down at me. I turn my face away from him and wipe my face with the sleeve of my jacket.
"What?" I ask him, my breath still coming out shakily. He doesn't move; doesn't say anything, so I have to look up at him. "What do you want, Four?" I ask, my voice echoing down the hallway. Luckily, everyone is at the celebration, and no one will hear me or see me crying.
He shakes his head and he's got that same confused, angry, look on his face. "Don't call me that," he says. Despite the way his jaw is clenched, and his throbbing temple, his voice comes out soft.
"You don't want me to call you Tobias, and you don't want me to call you Four," I say, with a hard laugh. I pick myself off of the floor and shake my head as Ilook up into his eyes. "Do you just not want me to talk to you period?"
He shakes his head again. "I don't know," he says. "It doesn't feel right with you calling me Four."
"It should," I say. "It's all I've ever called you, right?"
He hesitates and I swallow. "How do you even know that name?" he asks me. "No one here knows me by that name."
I bite my lip. This couldn't possible turn out any worse it is, right? Should I maybe tell him how I know his name?' Will that just make me seem crazy? "I know…" I say slowly. "About Marcus."
His eyes narrow at me. "What?" he demands. "How?"
"You showed me," I say. "In your fear landscape."
He shakes his head. "No," he says, his voice hard now. He looks angry. "No I didn't."
I nod. "But that's fine that you don't believe me," I say. "I seem to be the only one who remembers."
"Remembers what?" he asks.
I shake my head at his question and move past him to leave the hallway. I can't do this.
"Tris!" he calls out after me.
I stop and turn back to look at him. "It never happened."