(Dizzy)
You can't really call me running off an act of anger. I wasn't angry with Cain. Strangely, I understood. Understood how he probably felt free, after his first drunken night, and understood that maybe him and Maria got close and frisky. To be honest, it didn't bother me too bad. Cain and I…we can never be together, anyways. I know I can use the excuse of how he came to be, in order to justify the feelings I've harbored my entire life, but, there is a point. A point in which one must give up, and move on. We are still genetically alike. We technically are a quarter of one another, you know? Or, half. I mean, he is one-hundred percent dad, and I'm one-half. So, together, that's seventy-five percent. Which is related. There's no more room for justification, so instead, it's better this way.
I don't intend to make him worry. Give him time to sober up, fix his hangover, and get home. I'll meet him there, because I really don't have any other place to go. And frankly now, I'm scared. Scared really, to venture off alone. Cain was with me this time, and I realized during our trip how vast and empty this world is. It isn't something I want to experience by myself. In my head, I admitted, that mom is much stronger than I could ever be. Because simply put, I can never do half of what she did. I'm not as brave, or as driven, as mom was.
Cain and I have to move on. Whether he harbors love or lust for me doesn't matter. What matters, is that we're simply incapable of being together. It wouldn't work, and would only cause a lot of people to have a lot of negative results. I've brought enough stress and worry on my family, and I don't want to bring anymore. So, maybe it's mature, for me to…just…grow up. I don't know.
It was terrifying to leave The Pitt of my own accord, and get home. But it wasn't that bad, once the trolly ride was over. Once my feet were on the Capital Wasteland, I didn't feel as if I needed anyone, really. I only wanted someone, and there's a difference in that. Being home, in a place you're somewhat familiar with, makes a world of difference. Megaton isn't that far, either. So all I did was walked as far as I could, and then found shelter when the sun set.
Night was terrifying, really. Because every little sound woke me up. You don't really know what real silence is, until you spend a night away from any form of civilization. In the middle of The Pitt and Megaton, the silence goes far beyond anything I could have ever dreamt of. Plus, I was also worried about Cain. I know I should have left a note. Telling him I'd be in Megaton, and not to worry. That I just needed to get away and clear my head for a bit. Like I said, I'm not mad at him, I'm just…hurt. Yeah. Hurt.
Cain's always been there, so, sharing him with another woman will be a hard pill for me to swallow. I'll…I'll always love him, but, I know in reality it'll never be. So when time comes, and he finds a woman worthy of his love, it'll be hard…to see them together. To see them happy. By then, I know, there'll be no more room for me in his life. He deserves, to live a normal life out here. Like mom and dad have. God, I miss dad. I miss, my mom.
I can't think of that right now, though. Because by tomorrow we should all be together, and feelings aside, everything should be alright. It's early morning now, and the rain is starting to come down pretty hard. I know out here, so far from the green soil of Megaton, the ground gets dangerous and uneven when the rains come. Mom always worries that the mountains in the distance will fall or cause a landslide when it rains. Me? I like how it feels against my bare skin. It cools me off, and mats my hair against my head. It gives me, a warm and soothing sensation. Like, I'm really alive. Like I'm really, real.
I look around while I walk. There's a gang of Raiders I don't recognize, which means it's probably a smaller faction. They're somewhere to my right, and they're around something. Laughing, kicking, whatever or whoever it is they're bullying, they probably did something to deserve it. I still look like a Raider, but I'm not. Shit to be honest I never even wanted to be one. It was just a way to rebel. I turn my head from them, I always thought they were disgusting folk, anyways. Quick to turn their backs on their own kin, and even quicker to stab you in the back. It was a group effort though. One to distract you, one to stab you, and one to turn the blade. Pettiness I wish now, I was never a part of. It seems so miniscule, in the big picture of life.
The world isn't fair, and it'll eat you if you let it. In the rain, I stop to try and light a cigarette. After a few tries, I succeed. While I smoke, and use my hand to block the rain, I watch the Raiders. They're only a few yards away. They're having a grand ol' time, too. There's only three of them, so a small band. They also don't have the markings of any organized Raider gang. So, for all I know, they're just some kids playing dress up.
"Pretty gun…pretty face…pretty man…"
A girl's voice echoes over to me. I guess one of them is a girl. I can't tell because I'm too far away. I can see her bending down and picking up a gun, while she coos to the body on the ground. My mother, at nineteen, probably would do what I'm doing now and not care. But, my mother later in life, as she is, would probably help. I can't come to my own conclusion. The Raiders are probably tweaking on Jet and Psycho, anyways. The girl's voice sounded a bit deluded.
"Pretty red hair, so pretty…you are going to be my pet. My pretty, pretty, pet."
Huh. Well. Whatever drugs that girl is on, makes me want to ask for some. Because I've never thought anything was 'pretty'.
"Hey c'mon no way! No!"
A guy Raider says to her.
"You're being loud and obnoxious!"
I yell to them, and I don't know why. They weren't even really bothering me. I guess I just felt like drawing some of the attention off of the beaten body. They turn to face me, the source of the outburst, and I flinch at the pile of a body they're standing around. I want to tell that body, that I'm sorry. I don't know why.
"Hey! Who you think you are!"
The second male Raider yells to me, as they advance on me. Figuring it's time to put my gun to good use for once, I take it off of my hip and walk to meet them halfway.
"Dizzy."
I reply, with confidence I didn't even know I had. I feel strange. Like, I'm not myself. Like I know I can hurt them. With my immunity to radiation, I am stronger than the average Capital Wasteland female. But, it's something else. Maybe, the genes my father gave to me, are beginning to work. The confidence, the strength, I know it's in me. The ability to fight, after watching Cain and dad do it my whole life, I know I have.
"Dizzy? That's her name, huh?"
Says the female, as we get closer. I glance behind them, and see the body they had been kicking roll on their back. My eyes widen, in terror, in horror, as I see their profile.
"Cain!"
I lunge my body forward, with speed I didn't even know I had this early in the morning. I get to the Raiders, and try to run past, but one grabs my arm.
"Hey, hey!"
Jerking my arm from him, I look him in the eye.
"Don't touch me."
"Come here we want to talk. Come here, pretty, pretty."
I raise my gun, and put my finger on the trigger.
"You're in the way, and my finger is on the trigger."
"Pretty lady wants to fight."
They take the weapons off of their backs, and I look over at Cain. It was him they were kicking. Him they were hurting. Rage, and anger, fills me like an infection. An infection that spreads and surges at an unstoppable rate. My entire body trembles, and shakes, and I wonder…is this how dad feels, when someone hurts mom?
"You…you…"
I say through grit teeth, as I move my eyes back on the Raiders.
"What, pretty?"
I shoot her. With no hesitation, without a second thought. I shoot her, and the rest soon follow. Close range, with my scoped .44 Magnum, they're practically disintegrated. I've never really shot anyone with this gun, so I'm at first shocked at the damage. The entrance wounds leave them wondering for a split second, and the exit…the exit wound is where the death and damage lies. It rips them open, and blood mixes with rain. They wait too long, wait to respond, and by the time they do, they're too close to death to fight back. I realize, they're just like me. They weren't real Raiders, but some young and dumb kids dressing up as them. A real Raider, wouldn't have gotten so close. Would have recognized my uniform, would have charged me without question. I don't feel guilt. I don't feel anything, towards my first kills.
Looking over at Cain, I'm quick to holster my weapon once again, and run over to him.
"Cain! Cain! Cain!"
The rain makes it muddy, and I slip a few times before getting to him. I'm dirty, wet, but I get to him. I'm stunned, by what I see. The handsome, clean face I knew is covered in blood. Blood from his mouth, his cheeks, his scalp. His hands curl against his torso as he lays on his side, bloody. I touch his upper arm, and pull away instantly again.
"…Cain, did…how did this happen? Cain?"
He's stronger, than to be ambushed by three make-pretend Raiders. Something else must have happened. Something worse, but, what? What could cause, the second most strongest man I know, to hurt like this? Against the loud rain, I hear an even louder whirring and ticking noise. I don't know where it comes from, but I don't care.
"Cain come on, sit up this isn't funny!"
He doesn't respond. I shake him.
"This isn't funny! Get up! Get up right now!"
When that doesn't work, I hit him with my puny fists, against his duster jacket, with the rain washing away the mud.
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Just wake up! Wake up! I'm sorry! You're not allowed to die! You're not allowed to die!"
"Dizzy!"
Someone calls my name, and I look over, with tears streaming down my face, and mixing in with the rain. In the distance, I see mom and dad. It doesn't cross my mind, as to what they're doing out here. Once I register that they're not a threat, I go back to Cain.
"I said wake up! Wake up right now! You're not allowed to leave me! You're not allowed to! Wake up!"
I hit him harder and harder, and I don't stop. Even when I feel my father's hands around my waist, I flail and kick.
"No! No! You have to wake him up! Let me go! I have to wake him up! He's broken fix him! Fix him! He's broken!"
My mother looks at me, and then rushes to Cain's side. She hears the whirring, too. I try to fight my father, and punch at his strong hands.
"Let me go! Let me go! Right now, let me go!"
I kick and punch until I feel him drop me. Feeling my feet on steady ground, I rush back to Cain, and jump over his body. I want to see his face. I want to see him. Grabbing his cheeks with my hands, I lift his head, and the whirring rings in my ears.
"Wake up right now! This is a bad dream so wake up!"
I scream at him.
"Dizzy, stop it!"
My mother yells and I look at her. I cling to Cain, and pull him on my lap.
"No…no he's mine. He's mine! You're not taking him away!"
"Dizzy?"
My mother reaches towards me, but in my anger, my worry, my sorrow, I hit her hand away.
"No! He's not your son! He's mine! He's mine! He's not yours! You can't take him away from me!"
I take deep breaths in. Cradling his head, I cling to his hair, and feel the dampness of it. Looking at my dad, with bleary eyes, I plead with him.
"Don't…don't take him away from me…Don't. I'll do anything, daddy. Please. Please, bring him back."
My dad swallows hard, and looks away from me. He can't stand, to see me in pain. To see me cling to my dying brother.
"…I can't."
"No! You can do anything! You can do anything! Bring him back!"
Mom rests her hand on Cain's shoulder, and closes her eyes.
"But we can't bring him back, Dizzy."
She says to me, and I look down. Blood stops flowing from him. Dad says, you only bleed, as long as you're alive. That once you die, your heart stops, and so doesn't the blood.
"But…but…there's magic and…there's radiation and…there's…doctors…"
"And we, are not magicians, or radiation, or doctors."
Mom says, sad, sorrowful. Her hands close around his jacket, and we look at my dad. As if he has the answers to the universe right in the palms of his hands.
"Daddy…please…"
Dad says nothing, as he walks towards Cain. Mom and I move away, and she comes over to me. I hug her, and hide my face in the nape of her neck. I cry, as her arms wrap around me.
"I know…I know…"
Peering out, I see that with strength my father rarely shows, he lifts Cain's body in his arms. Cain's limbs and head hang lifelessly, as dad turns to face us.
"I can do nothing, but bring him home."
"…You're supposed to be able, to do anything, dad…"
The rain begins to slow, and I let go of my mother. Cain is my father, identical in every way, and yet…my dad stands, holding him like he's no heavier than me.
"I cannot do the impossible, Dizzy. I wish, I could."
"Do it for me. Daddy, please, do it for me…"
He exchanges a pained look with my mother, who nods her head. Dad bends down, and lays Cain on the muddy ground. I kneel beside him, and cry harder than I think I've ever cried before.
"…Do it for me…daddy I…I…"
They wait for me to finish, and I look up at them.
"I love him. I love him. Please…I love him…"
They know without asking. They know, and understand, that the love I'm speaking of, is not the love siblings share for one another. That it's a deeper, and more powerful love.
"…I'm scared…"
I tell them, and they say nothing. There is nothing to say. Wrapping my hand around Cain's, I feel the rain stop. Curling beside him, the mud trickles into my pants and shirt. I forms to my body, and I press my head close to his, and I don't care, who sees me.
"You have to come back…because…you can't…leave. Who else is going to be there? Who is going…to laugh with me? Who else, will love me?"
"Dizzy…"
I hear my mother's voice, but I ignore her, and close my eyes as tight as I can.
"You don't have to be alone anymore. I won't ever leave you alone. I won't ever leave you. Make it stop whirring, make it stop…come back. Come back…Cain, come back…"
I never realized before, how empty, and how lonely, the world is. Never realized, how much Cain truly meant to me, until…he's taken away.
"I have so much I have left to say, please. You can't go, until I've said it all."
I open my eyes, but, Cain's remain closed. I cry, and wail, and yell as I wrap my arms around him. I cling to him, as if…as if without him, my own life, has no meaning.
"If it's been too long, he won't wake up."
I hear my father say, and I silence myself. He stares at me, with those eyes. Those eyes, that Cain has. Those eyes, that bring me so much comfort.
"Why not?"
I sniff, still laying, still clinging to Cain.
"…Because he was designed to…pass on, if not with the person, he was to…protect."
There's more than they're letting on. I know this because they're here. Why else would mom and dad leave, if not for an emergency? If not, for something they weren't telling me? But, what dad must mean, is that Cain being a machine, he must be dependant on something. Something, that I can't begin to understand. Something that has to do with me.
"How much time?"
I ask them, and mom shakes her head.
"Two days."
"But it's only been one! It's only been one! I only left…"
Two nights ago. I left after Cain passed out, drunk. But…but no. No that was the very early morning. Yesterday's very early morning. It had to be. That means there's hours left.
"There's time! There's time! There has to be…"
"I don't know what else to do, Dizzy. He's not waking. You're near him."
"We can take him to Rivet City! They can fix him! They have androids there!"
I yell to my mother, even though she's right in front of me.
"The only thing we can do, is take him home, and hope for the best in the meantime."
"You're going to bury him, mom. You're going to take him away."
My father looks at her, at me, as I cling to Cain still.
"He will not decay as humans do. We can…perhaps, let him lay in Megaton, in his room, and see if time possesses any change."
Dad says, and I nod.
"Please. There's time."
"I can do, that much for you, Dizzy."
My father tells me, bending down to pick up Cain. Mom offers her hand to help me up, and I accept it. Wiping my face as I stand, I feel my heart beating and hurting all at once. If there's any hope, any chance, I'll take it. I can't lose him. I don't know what I would do, without him. Without the man, that I always wanted to be next to.