Splinters littered the ground around her, surrounded by grass and sawdust that slowly turned into mush from the rain. If Kana was focusing on anything other than the burn of exercise, she might have had the mental capacity to feel bad for whatever poor sap was going to be tasked with cleaning up the disaster that was the training field.
'One thousand four hundred and sixty-three, one thousand four hundred and sixty-four, one thousand four hundred sixty-five…'
It wasn't enough. She knew that even as her muscles screamed at her, as the sweat mixed with the rain as it dripped off of her skin and onto the last remaining wooden training post she was standing on with her bare hands, the activity wasn't engaging enough to keep her mind off of recent events.
'One thousand four hundred seventy-one, one thousand four hundred seventy-two…'
Kana had run five hundred laps around the village, lunged her way around another five hundred times, performed three hundred forty-nine sit ups, eight hundred thirty-two punches and was currently working her way up to two thousand pushups in a vain attempt at not thinking about everything that had happened in the last week. In all honesty she was more interested in sparring, but there wasn't anyone around that would be able to provide enough of a challenge other than Kakashi and Guy, and she just couldn't face them right now.
"Did you honestly expect me to not recognize your chakra?"
She was huddled in a corner of Guy's small closet, keeping her unfocused gaze downcast and barely registering his words as he spoke.
"Why don't you tell me what's going on, Kana?"
Unblinking eyes refused to look up to see the look of disappointment and frustration that was carried in her sensei's voice. Cracked lips began to bleed as Kana's even teeth sank into them and idly gnawed, only widening the wound that had been created over the last handful of days.
"Why did you disobey me? Why did you disobey the orders given to Anbu to kill rogue ninja on sight? Why did you help him escape after what he did!?"
There was a conflicted crossness in Guy's words that only made her press herself harder into the wall she leaned against, as if she could somehow disappear into the plaster. The mountainous man never, ever became angry – especially not with her and Lee. Not with his students, his children. Knowing that he was not only disappointed with her, but angry as well, caused shame to make itself known against the melancholy hopelessness she harbored.
He shouted something at Kana but she wasn't able to discern what it was. It didn't seem to matter if she responded or not, though, because only a couple of seconds later she felt herself being grabbed by the shoulders and gracelessly dragged out of the closet.
The lamp in the guest bedroom she had been hiding in wasn't very bright, only providing a gentle yellow glow to the room, but the sun had not yet fully set so Kana had to screw her eyes shut against the sudden brightness.
"We're not doing this again – talk to me!" he shook her by the shoulders, "What is going on?!"
Somewhere in the back of her mind a voice told her that he was right, that this shouldn't be the end of the world, but all Kana could think of was how cruel the world-
A fluttering in her right tricep pulled her out of her musings just before the entire arm gave out beneath her weight, sending her tumbling to the muddy ground in a swearing ball of limbs. It was an easy fall to recover from, and Kana could have easily saved it, but there was a feeling of defeat that kept her from caring as she collapsed into the mud.
Splatters of wet dirt splashed across her skin only to be washed away by the downpour as the kunoichi laid at the base of the training post. Dimly, she was aware of the sharp sensation of splinters that had burrowed into her skin in the fall, but she couldn't bring herself to care; Kana only focused on the gentle sensation of the cold rain.
It seemed that no matter how hard she tried, she'd never have the stamina of her former sensei.
"Sometimes I really do think you're his spawn."
Kana rolled onto her back to see Kakashi peering down at her from where he was perched in a tree, looking unamused by what she assumed was a pitiful display on her part. If she had the frame of mind she would have wondered how long the shinobi had been observing her, but she found herself not caring as his figure was blurred by rain drops falling into her eyes.
He sighed and nimbly dropped down to the ground with a small splash of mud, taking a few steps towards his friend and kneeling down. "Guy told me what you did," he said flatly, "I can't say I was particularly thrilled by the news, but judging by the state you're in…" Kakashi brushed away the bangs that had become plastered to Kana's forehead, "It looks like there's a part of the story I have yet to hear."
A small choking sound bubbled through her lips and she rolled away from him. White flashed across the sky just seconds before thunder rumbled, fully illuminating the training field and effectively burning Kana's sensitive eyes; she screwed them shut and buried her face in the mud to shield herself from anymore harsh surprises.
"Get up. You're a shinobi, not a pig, so quit rolling around in the dirt." Kakashi's voice was stern, but she could hear his level of concern rising as he spoke, "Get up, Kana. Now."
Despite not having any real reason to, she obeyed his command and slowly picked herself up off of the wet ground; when Kana swayed she took a step back to lean against the training post. The kunoichi bit back her sob and forced her tears to recede, wiping the back of her wrist with the least amount of dirt over her closed eyes to wipe away at what had already begun to trail down her muddy cheeks.
"Spar with me," she murmured, "No holds barred."
Even though she wasn't looking at him Kana knew that the man was narrowing his exposed eye at her as he spoke, "Sweetheart, you're in no condition to-"
"Please, Kakashi," she pleaded, finally turning her face to meet his sad gaze. Kana needed this. She needed to fight. She needed to not think. She needed to be a shinobi.
A resigned sigh was the only signal Kakashi gave her before he lunged.
Sparring was like a frantic dance between the friends, dips and dives and lunges colored with blood and the beautiful shades of their jutsu. Time ceased to exist around them as they threw punches and formed hand seals.
Orange flashes singed the ends of Kana's hair. Black-purple arcs cut slits into his flak jacket. Blue tainted the air with the strong aroma of ozone in a piercing scream, cutting through the soon empty space as she spun to safety. Green healed as flesh split under the sharp bite of kunai. White sliced through the air with a shrill tinkling noise.
Both shinobi froze.
Kakashi's eyes flitted from her hands, to her face, then back to her hands as the kunoichi rubbed the pads of her fingertips together. "Was that…?"
"Yeah…" Kana whispered. It was fleeting, only appearing for less than half of a second, but the near-blinding flash of white was a part of her advanced bloodline trait – the one that represented yang. She looked up at her companion, who looked as if his heart was tearing in two.
"Sweetheart…" he breathed, "What happened? Please, talk just talk to me."
The thing about this form of her kekkei tota was that it only unlocked itself when the wielder had experienced nearly insurmountable grief – typically unlocked during a ceremony where the wielder killed their parents at the ripe age of five years old.
Kana's breathing hitched as the memory of her encounter in the forest rushed back to the forefront of her mind, "I can't," she whispered, "Lord Hokage… He made me swear on my honor as a Leaf shinobi to never breathe a word of what happens with Itachi, but…" She squeezed her eyes shut and wrapped her arms around her small frame, "Kashi… This hurts so much worse than before…"
Kakashi caught her by the waist when Kana's knees gave out, preventing her from crumpling back into the mud. He cradled her against his broad chest, combing his dirty fingers through the knots in her hair. Kana couldn't cry. Not anymore. There were no more tears left to shed. She was forced to endure the cold blanket of depression with no way to physically release it, feeling it bear down on her consciousness with no reprieve.
Before, a voice told Kana that she would see Itachi again one day – that he was strong and safe. He may still be strong, but he was weakening. Itachi was going to die before his time. He was going to die a miserable, painful death that would end his just as miserable life. There was no longer the reassurance of his strength. Kana couldn't ride on the hope that she would see him again.
As far as she knew, that had been the last time they would ever speak.
Neji's eyes looked as if they would jump out of his skull when Kana clumsily fell through his bedroom window, rushing over to her side from the chair he had been lounging in to place supportive hands on her waist. He was asking her something, but the ringing in her ears drowned out the majority of his words.
"Training," she muttered, assuming he was asking why she was so dirty, "Don't worry."
He didn't look convinced, but one of Neji's better traits was that he didn't press when it was clear she didn't want to talk about something. Instead of probing for answers like Lee or Guy would have, he only rushed over to the bottom drawer of his dresser for the set of pajamas he kept for her and helped Kana down to the nearest bathroom. Neji's eyes never left her face, scanning it as if his Byakugan would allow him to read her mind if he stared hard enough.
When she had shut the door behind him, after thanking Neji for his help, the kunoichi sighed heavily and turned to lean against the sink. Looking at herself in the mirror, Kana understood why he had looked so horrified at her appearance – she looked like absolute hell. Blood from a healed wound was smeared all over her left deltoid, there was mud and blood crusted into her clothing and skin, her hair was a complete mess and, for all intents and purposes, it looked as if she had been caught in an ambush.
Her expression was no better: dark rings shadowed haunted-looking eyes and her already pallor skin was devoid of any color whatsoever, accented by cracked lips that were almost as pale. Furrowed brows tightened in disapproval – this wasn't okay.
Kana couldn't let this happen again.
Last time shit happened with Itachi, it all but destroyed her as a person. Even if she had only been trying for three years, Kana had worked too hard and come too far to allow herself to sink back into that kind of depression. Not only was it unfair to those around her, but she didn't deserve to be miserable for someone else's sake.
Whoever that anguished person was in the mirror, it wasn't her.
It would not be her.
The familiar twitching of overworked muscles made getting out of her mud-encrusted clothing a chore, but the struggle was made worth it by the soothing sensation of the shower's hot water. Kana sighed and reached her arms out to lean against the tile wall, letting her head hang down to watch the water mix in with the mud and run down her body in rivulets.
When she had cleaned herself off the best she could, which took longer than Kana had initially anticipated, she put the soapy washcloth to further use by wiping up whatever mud she came across on her way back to the bedroom.
Neji peered over at her warily from the bed when she entered but softened his expression when Kana gave him a tired smile, dropping unceremoniously onto the duvet and stretching out over his lap. "Something happened," she murmured sleepily, "But it's okay. I'm okay now."
The familiar feeling of the teenager's hand combing through her wet tresses relaxed the kunoichi to the point where she was sure it would take an invasion to get her to move any time soon; she wrapped her arm around one of this thighs and snuggled into it with a smile.
Neji dangled something in front of her bleary eyes, and it took Kana a few moments to realize that it was some sort of jade medallion.
She made some sort of humming sound to voice her confusion and twisted her neck to raise an eyebrow at the boy, who was looking down at her with an understanding smile. "It's your present for making Anbu Captain," he explained, "I wasn't sure what to get you at first…"
"Neji, you didn't need to get me anything," she yawned.
"I know, but I wanted to. And I wanted it to be special." Neji activated his Byakugan and the medallion began to glow. "Lord Hiashi assisted me with tuning it to my chakra," he said, "So whenever I use my chakra, it will glow."
Lavender jade was known for healing emotional and spiritual pain, as well as helping maintaining clear headedness. Its meaning was not lost on Kana, and she rolled in Neji's lap to look directly up at him, taking the medallion from his unbandaged hands to get a better look at it.
The stone was small enough for Kana's hands to curl around it and just barely touch the tips of her fingers together, and had been carved to have the Shimi clan's cloud insignia in the background. The Hyuga's symbol, consisting of a V shape with a curved line connecting the sides and a small flame in the center, was in the center of the cloud. When she flipped it over to view the back, tears Kana didn't know she still had brimmed and leaked out the corners of her eyes. "Neji…"
Somehow, she assumed through the use of chakra, there was a carving of the first photo the pair had ever taken together as children: Kana was seven years old and held three year old Neji in her lap, both smiling formally in kimono. Despite it being a family portrait, you could tell that both children were simply happy to be together.
Neji's hands brushed against her temples to wipe away the tears that rolled back to her hairline, "You always tell me how proud you are of me, but I've never been able to tell you just how proud I am of you. Even if we're not related by blood, Kana, I love you as if you were my own sister. You've always been there for me, and I've never once thanked you for that."
Setting the medallion down on the nightstand, Kana sat up to loop her arms around the teenager's shoulders with a sob. Neji's hair tickled her nose, but she didn't care. "It's perfect," she whispered, "It's so perfect. Thank you, Neji."
A sniff in her ear told her that he was teary-eyed himself, and she felt Neji bury his face into the base of her neck, "When Guy-sensei told me that you had been defeated… I…" He hugged her waist tightly, "I didn't know what to do. It was as if my world was falling apart, and I finally understood just how much I depend on you... My first instinct was to go to you for comfort," Neji chuckled darkly at the thought.
"I was so disappointed with myself," Kana admitted, "I could only think of everything I was going to miss out on. I wouldn't have ever seen you make jonin, or see you have your first drink… I was so angry that I wasn't going to be there for you."
There was another sniffle, and he propped his knees up on the bed so that Kana was cradled between his thighs and his chest. "Please don't ever put me through that again," he pleaded as his voice wavered and cracked.
They had never spoken about what had happened, and at that moment Kana realized what effect the idea of her death had on him. Feeling his body tremble as he clutched her to his chest drove home exactly how much her brother figure cared for her, and how damaging her death was for him. It felt terrible, especially because she knew that the kind of luck she had was not a gift that would come twice. The next time she found herself lying in the forest, bleeding out, she was not going to come home.
She didn't move as Neji allowed the grief and anxiousness roll through him, only shifting to rest her head on his thin, trembling shoulder as one hand combed through the loose hair that hung around his face. It had been nearly a month since she had been released from the hospital, but it seemed like Neji hadn't addressed his feelings until just now, and Kana knew how important it was for him to get past this. It explained why he had all but assigned himself as her personal escort, following her around the village and joining in on training sessions unless one of them was out on a mission.
They eventually fell asleep like that together, paying no mind to the idea of shifting positions. They were content just as they were.