Chapter Eight

Mud will always Be Mud

I sighed frustrated as I phoned Leah's cell once more. The other day she had called and canceled our plans and I was trying to see if maybe she wanted to hang tonight since we hadn't been able to before.

All of this would work out a lot better if she actually answered. After the sixth ring I hung up and began biting my nails. Leah is always really good at answering her cell. She was beginning to worry me.

After about an hour of uncomfortable fidgeting from all the worry, I stood up grabbed my keys and headed toward the Clearwater house.

It was about a five-minuet drive, and when I arrived I hurried up the steps. I took a deep breath and knocked. I heard steps ascending the stairs, and waited impatiently.

"Rachel!" Sue smiled engulfing me in a hug.

"Look at you! My have you grown into such a beautiful young lady." She smiled, though she seemed a bit distracted.

"Its only been a couple years, plus I don't think I've changed all that much." I smiled.

"Well it seemed like more than just a couple years Hun. What brings you here?" she smiled.

"I was wondering if Leah was around?" I asked hopefully.

"She is but I don't know if she will be up to doing anything at the moment. It's been a rough couple of days." She said the distractedness turning into sorrow.

"What happened?" I asked worriedly.

"Well everything with Emily and Sam hit her pretty hard lately. Especially with their engagement and all." She explained in a hushed voice.

"Do you think maybe I could speak to her?" I asked, hoping not to overstep my boundaries.

"Normally under these circumstances I would say she might do better off with a little alone time, but I think she has a had to much of that lately." She said breaking down and tears streamed down her face.

I hugged her then headed up stairs. I passed Seth's door and came to a stop in front of hers. I hesitantly reached for the door handle, unsure of what exactly I was going to say to her. I mustered up my courage and entered the room.

"Hey Lee." I said softly.

She was sitting at her window bench, her hands wringing urgently over a thin rope.

"Hey." She replied simply.

"I'm not going to ask if your okay, because I know your not," she flinched but I continued," And there is nothing wrong with that Leah. You and I both know you're a strong person. Everyone knows that. But to be strong, at one point in our lives we have to be unhinged, we have to be weak. It drives me crazy not to have control of how I handle myself. But that's what makes me tougher when I do." I spoke softly, taking a seat next to her.

"Does this look strong to you?" she asked in a hoarse voice, tears streaming down her russet features.

"No," I answered truthfully." But its stronger than I ever was." I said.

She looked up at me with sad questioning eyes. This was probably the first time I ever saw her break down like this.

"When mom died," I said softly, looking down." I didn't know what to do with myself. I thought of myself as useless. How was I supposed to live on when I know she is buried deep underground somewhere? And there is nothing I can do to bring her back. How am I supposed to fill her shoes? Those shoes that once did virtually everything?" I asked.

"I couldn't." I told her, answering my own question.

The wringing of her fingers twining around the bracelet slowed.

"So I left. As fast as I could, as far as I dared. But Leah that wasn't the answer. No matter how far you go, no matter how much you do to stop the thoughts, they will never leave." I said.

She cried harder.

"But Leah," I said grabbing her chin, and compelling her to look me in the eyes." That's because leaving isn't the answer. The monsters aren't real. They're in your head. That's why you can't leave them. They where never there in the first place. All you have to do is hold onto those around you. We are here to help you get through this."

"It just hurts so much Rachel." She cried.

"You know it just hit me the other day? I've known for maybe a month now, and it never really hit me. The other day I over heard Sam and Emily talking about maybe using Sunflowers as the bouquet, and I-I…" her voice broke and she just cried.

"Shhhh, Shhhh, it's all going to be okay. I promise." I said clenching my eyes shut and rocking us back and forth.

That's a promise I intend to keep.

...

Sue's POV

I slowly crept up stairs and entered Leah's room. I smiled sadly at the sight before me. Just like when they where little the girls once again fell asleep in a heaping pile on the window bench. I sighed knowing it was no use, there was no way I was going to be able to move them without waking them. And they both needed their rest after such an emotional day.

I smiled as I leaned against the doorframe. This image reminded me so much of the day Leah and Rachel had spent all morning making a mud pie only to be disappointed when they were told they couldn't eat it. They ran up to Leah's room and complained the rest of the day. At the end of the day when I went up to check on them they were both asleep on the window seat.

On the outside Leah and Rachel were already grown and maybe considered adults, but on the inside they were still those six year old girls who refused to see the facts that no matter how much you try making a pie out of mud in the end you have to face the truth. It is what it is. And mud is still mud.

...

Leah's POV

I woke with a start, sitting up to quickly for my necks taste. I looked around the dark room and found Rachel across from me.

At the sight of her it all came back to me. But for some strange reason I really didn't feel like crying anymore. I looked down at the bracelet in my hands and recalled the day Sam gave it to me.

It had been a rather stormy day and me and Sam where eating lunch on my back porch watching it rain. I had just taken a particularly large bite when he pulled it out of his pocket. He didn't say anything just tied the colorful rope around my wrist.

In a way Sam and me had always been pretty silent, though it wasn't that we didn't speak to each other it was just that we didn't feel a need to fill the silence. I always thought it meant we were perfect for each other but now I realize that it was just I really didn't have anything to say. Maybe because he already knew everything. Maybe because he didn't.

Maybe some people are meant to fall in love, but not meant to be together.

Hey guys:)) don't hate me! I know it took me super long to update but life just really and truly got in the way:(

On the bright side though:)) my sister is having a baby boy! Yay!

Please review, feedback is always helpful and your suggestions mean a lot.