(Cain)

It was so surreal. I was, hearing everything. I could feel everything. From Dizzy's tears, to dad picking me up. But I couldn't move. I couldn't function. I could only think, and the voice in my head, the voice of my creator, yelled at me. He screamed, calling me a program, an android, and such complex emotions were not allowed to register. I heard, as dad explained to Dizzy, what happens when we're apart for too long. And as everything went along around me, I kept thinking, that made so much sense. And even though I could say and do nothing, I felt okay. I felt…everything was going to be okay.

Because it made sense, why I was so driven towards her. Why I wanted to be around her. Why I cared so much about her. The voice in my head, told me I wasn't meant to feel, only do. But I told that voice it didn't matter. I had grown. I told him I was built a machine, but grew into a man. He was angry. Furious. He said he'd never let me wake up again. For a while, I was scared he was right. That somehow he would succeed. And then…I woke up.

I guess it was a storm. Because I remember hearing Dizzy yell and scream that they had to come back for me. I could hear the wind hitting the house, and feel myself falling from the bed, and slamming against the crater of Megaton. After that…it gets fuzzy. The voice said I would die, that I wouldn't ever wake up. But then something happened. It was this powerful surge of electricity. It silenced the voice, and slowly, I could feel. I felt all the weight on me, and I know I couldn't move. Then, when I was finally able to, I couldn't remember anything. Nothing. I think…I tried to kill Dizzy.

After I went out again, I heard so many voices. There was mom's, and dad's, and Gob's and Dizzy's. They were all talking about me, and how they should deal with me if I woke up in a frenzy again. I screamed at them in my mind, that I was okay, but just so exhausted. A few hours of sleep, and I promised them I'd be okay. Even though they couldn't hear me, I knew someone could sense it. Someone had to have believed deep down, I wasn't going to hurt anyone.

Dizzy…she cried for me. She stayed with me, all that time. I can remember her cries, and when I do, I hold her tighter. She was so hurt, and she yelled such cruel things at mom and dad. She said, she loved me. Loved me, and that I wasn't mom's son. And I remember thinking, that I loved her, too.

Lifting my head from her, I look into those eyes. I don't think we share the same ones, anymore. Because hers are from dad. Hers…are from real genetics. Mine, are made. Created from a machine. Tears stream down her cheeks, but she's not sad.

"…Everything is going to be okay now."

I tell her, and she nods. Using the back of my hand I wipe her tears away, because it's all I can do.

"I missed you so much…"

Dizzy cries, throwing her arms around me again.

"I know, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
"It's not your fault…it's not your fault…"

"I'm here now, everything will be okay."

"I love you…I love you…please don't leave…please stay with me."

"Ow, careful. I'm sore. And…I have to stay with you, don't I?"

One of her fingers scratches a scab on my back. Dizzy lifts herself up, and takes in a deep breath. She nods at me.

"You're stuck with me now. Forever, dad says."

Strangely, I'm okay with this.

"…Maybe when I'm better, if you want…we can go find a place where, it's okay. Where nobody will look at us funny."

"Cain, we're not very good at surviving."

"Sure we are. We just, got separated."

Dizzy nods, trying not to cry again. I lie back down, sore all over from being unconscious. The feeling in my legs and some areas of my upper body hasn't really returned yet. Dizzy watches me, a sad smile on her face.

"It's so hard to talk, when you're around me."

She says, as I make myself comfortable on the pillows.

"Yeah?"
"Yeah. But…I guess, you already know everything there is to say."

Kicking off her boots, Dizzy scrambles on the bed, and lays beside me. Her black and brown hair tickles my chin, as she puts her arms around me.

"I need you more than you need me."

"That's a lot, Diz, considering I need you for survival."

"Yeah, but I need you, because I love you. You only need me, because you have to survive."

She's sad, and doesn't believe that I return the feelings. Do I tell her? Should I right now? Doubt, worry, and fear sets in my mind. I can take her somewhere, and along the way try to come to terms with it, but once we got to wherever we were going, what good would it do? I'd still be so indecisive. So insecure, and unsure of everything. I love Dizzy, I know I do. But, how can I? How can I love her, when we've been raised like siblings our entire life? When we share just…half, of our genetic makeup? When she is one-half, of what I am? Looking down at her, and how she holds me close, I think I realize, she's right beside me. In all endeavors. In everything.

"…Don't let me go, okay?"

She says, holding on tighter. It hurts my sore body a bit, but I let her. I let her, because I've always let her. I've always let her crawl into bed with me, when she woke from night terrors. Always let her run off, even though everything in my body told me to chase her. Gave her the adventure she so craved, and let her cry when she needed to. And in return, Dizzy didn't give up on me. She stood by me, when even dad was ready to put an end to my miserable existence. I would have felt it to be a mercy killing. Because no one who thinks they're a man, wants to live as a machine.

"Yeah. I won't."

Someday, one day, I think Dizzy and I will be alright. Right now, it's too soon. I just woke up, and I have to think of how to process all this. How to feel something so complex. Why…why was I able to have sex just fine with Erica, and not feel half of what I feel towards Dizzy? Why Dizzy? Was it because Dizzy was the first thing I felt a purpose for? When she was just a baby, dad told me I was to protect her, no matter the cost. That was my first objective, so I suppose, my 'programming' told me that this was the person I was meant to be beside. But if Dizzy was born a boy, would I have these feelings? No. No I wouldn't. What makes me love Dizzy, isn't because I have to. It isn't for survival. Until I can figure out why I love her, I can't admit to her I do. Until then, in my head, it's still wrong.

Dad told her, I was simply built to protect. That I need her to survive. Yet I was able to feel something for Erica. It wasn't love, but, I liked her. I liked the sex. Hell, everyone does. I wanted to protect Dizzy still, even with Erica, so…just because I'm bound to Dizzy, doesn't mean I have to love her. So why? Why?

The door opening interrupts my thought process, and I see dad standing there. He looks at me, and Dizzy lifts her head.

"He's awake, and he's okay. I told you so."

It seems she's back to her old self. Dad looks at me, and I understand.

"I have to talk to dad. Go play outside."

I tell Dizzy, and she nods without protest. Alright maybe she's made some significant changes. Usually she wouldn't protest. But if she's eavesdropping, then I take that statement back. She's still Dizzy, if she does back. Dad steps aside, to let her pass through, and closes the door behind her.

"You should know, I came here to kill you."

Dad says without hesitation, setting down his shotgun.
"I figured. I heard everything, I just couldn't respond. Like a coma. I wouldn't have held it against you."

"I know. I read your papers."

"Right. Papers. I have those."

"I knew you could hear after the first day. I knew you were aware."

Dad sits down, and I sigh, shaking my head.

"Then why tell Dizzy, I might not wake up?"

"Because I will protect my daughter from any pain. No matter the cost."

"Does that make us rivals now, dad?"

We're silent, as he thinks everything over.
"No. It makes you a liability. And me, the bad guy."

"I know. But I won't hurt her, dad. I don't think I can. Knowing what we do now, I have a feeling Dizzy is going to be close to me."

I see shadows move from under the door, and I point to it. Dad turns around, looking.

"Get your ass outside or I swear you won't sit for days!"

He'd never hit her, but it scares her enough to send her running. We hear the noise of her bare feet pattering down the stairs, and the door slam. It makes us chuckle.

"That seems to be the case. You know now, how she feels. What about you?"

"I don't know, dad. I don't know…how I feel about anything anymore."

Dad shrugs, lighting a cigarette. He waits for me to continue on.

"What I don't understand, is why Dizzy? Had she been born a boy, I wouldn't have these feelings. Yet, I understand, my feelings are of my own will. I could still have a normal relationship with someone else. I'm not restricted to loving, just Dizzy."
"And I can't tell you why I love your mother. Wait. I can, but I can't tell you what made me love her. I simply did. At the time of it all, I kicked myself in the ass for it night upon night."

"Mom was a lot like Dizzy…"

"Worse. Your mother had me running all over this place, doing shit, talking to her. But, strangely, at the end of the night, even before our relationship became something mutual, I cared. I didn't know why, I still don't. I just felt a connection with Dezbe, that no one had made with me before."

"She treated you like a person, dad. My situation is a bit different, and hard to swallow."

"It is, but the point of that is, we don't know why we love someone. We can name reasons, but, those reasons weren't there, when we fell in love."

I look away from him. I'm still worried, and scared. And confused.

"Give yourself time. There isn't any rush. Think about it. But know, you have to stand by Dizzy. You can't take off, neither can she. She loves you, Cain, and always has. You love her, too."

"It's that obvious?"

"No. But parents are smarter than their offspring. I understand, your hesitance. Make sure Dizzy doesn't think it'll be forever, either. It is possible, to not love someone one day."

"Have you ever not loved mom?"

"No. I've always loved her. I always will. We are connected deeper, than love."

"I didn't know that was possible."

"Because you're still young."

He leaves after that. Probably to get Dizzy. I let his words sink into me, but they don't chase away the fear I have. What's holding me back? I love her, I know that, but something is telling me not to. Something is keeping me, from enjoying her, from making the most of this situation. It wasn't there, when we gallivanted in the Wasteland heading towards The Pitt. It was overruled by feelings of lust and excitement. Maybe, the hesitance I feel, is the stress of social norms placed upon me. I don't know. I just want to see her.