(Dizzy)
Cain is probably the most stupid and insatiable person on this whole world. Not to mention confusing, asinine, cynical, and unadventurous. Sure this time together has been great, but in my head he's still a coward. Neither one of us has spoken about anything really important. Nothing about us, anyways. Which is exactly what I want to talk about. I mean, before it was. Now, I don't really care. There's a lot more going on, than just our silly emotions. Right now, mom is somewhere in the Scrapyard, with some weird company, without dad. And dad is dying in Rivet City, without mom.
I don't really think it's all hit me yet. I think I'm still in shock. Dad's supposed to be the biggest, meanest, strongest guy in the world. He's not supposed to get hurt. But he did. I don't know what happened, really. There wasn't much time to get the full story. All I heard was that there was a raid on Megaton, and they came in, took mom, and left. That's it. And set the entire town ablaze. They took mom from dad, though, and that isn't supposed to happen, either. Mom and dad are never supposed to be apart, because they're meant to stay together. Not like Cain and I, but still. Dad is supposed to keep mom safe. He isn't supposed to let anything happen to her.
I've never seen dad like that, either. I've never seen him hurting, bleeding, or unresponsive. It scared me. Because, if someone can hurt dad, then what's stopping them from hurting anyone else? Dad to me, is invincible. He's a pre-war superhero. But he got hurt, and mom got taken, and now it's up to me to help them. It was supposed to be up to be and Cain, but Cain thinks we need to rest. He thinks that we should plan something, think it through. I know that's probably the best thing to do, but I can't. I can't just lay here, pretending to be asleep, when I can't sleep. When I can't even relax, because all I can think about is the safety of mom and dad.
Cain falls asleep fast, though. It isn't long, before his breathing goes shallow, and his soft snores echo over the sleeping Wasteland. We've adapted to sleeping on the ground in our time out here, him better than me. There's been a lot of good times out here, too. They definitely outweigh the bad. But he still doesn't get it. He doesn't understand how important this is to me. How important it is, for mom and dad to get back together before it's too late. There's little I can do to convince him, so I don't even bother trying. When I know he's asleep, I move as quietly as I can, and use the cover of night as my own personal camouflage.
He's a heavy sleeper, and facing the wrong way, so getting away is easy. I just have to be quick, in case he wakes up from something else. Which, I am. My body is exhausted, and I'd kill for my bed back home to sleep in, but I couldn't go to it even if I wanted to. Because it isn't there anymore. Whoever took mom, and hurt dad, is responsible for taking my home away. They didn't just tear apart a family, but they took our home, too. They took it away without a second glance, and that isn't sitting well with me. Anger, overrides exhaustion and the need for sleep. It overrides everything, really. I've never felt so angry before. It isn't fair.
I know life out here isn't fair, though. I know there's wins and losses and cheaters. But I didn't know mom and dad still had enemies. I didn't know there were still people out here, who had something out for them. My real question is, why didn't they come after me and Cain? Isn't the best way to hurt a mom or dad by taking away their children? Cain doesn't regard mom and dad as his parents anymore. I don't know why, and didn't bother to ask. I've just gotten use to him calling them by their first name. It doesn't bother me, really, it just makes me wonder.
When I woke up today, I had the idea of going to New Vegas fresh in my mind. I wanted to go home, see mom and dad for a bit. Rest up, hang out with Zack and Gob, see some old people, and eat all I could. Then, I wanted to take Cain with me to New Vegas. Because…I figured that it was far away enough. Far away from home enough to the point where…maybe…something could happen. As angry as I am at him, as much as I want to punch him in the face, deep inside, I still have hope. Hope of a place, where there's a lot of laughter, a lot of voices, and a lot of people who have no idea who we are. That to those people, we're simply two dumb kids travelling together. Maybe, to them, we're star-crossed lovers on a whirlwind adventure and we call one another pet-names and have deep, intellectual talks at night. To the people we haven't met out there, we could be anybody. And that would open so many doors for us. So many doors, and opportunities.
Earlier, our crossroads were empty. It was just him, and me. There wasn't anything else. We didn't have to come back to the Capital Wasteland, if we didn't want to. Everything was right there, perfect, precise. It was too perfect, though. I should have known, something would have fucked with my plan. Something, would happen to prevent me from the dream I want. A free life, with Cain, somewhere nobody knows us, so that if we wanted, we could sit and have sex all day in a rented room if we wanted. And nobody, would question anything. Nobody.
It's all different now, though. It all changed when I saw the orange glow of Megaton on fire in the distance earlier this evening. As we both ran towards it, I saw all my hopes shattering. Because…we're stuck here. If mom loses dad, I know leaving her would be the last straw. We couldn't do that. I know if we can't get either one back, and it's too late, then we'd be too sad to leave Gob and Zack. Our obligations will tie us here, no matter the outcome. I feel…I feel like I got ripped off. Like someone was in my head, knew what I was thinking, and did the worst possible thing in the world to prevent me from going. From having what I want most. I may be cold towards Cain, but it doesn't mean I don't care. It doesn't mean, I don't still love him.
When I find the person who did this, and face him, I don't think he'll live very long. Or she. They. They won't. They took my dad from me, and my mom. You don't do that. You don't take my dad, and you don't take my mom away from my dad. That isn't how their story works. They're supposed to stay together forever and ever, and watch as Cain and I go off and be big kids all on our own. They're not supposed to die. They're immortal. They're going to live forever. At least, that's what I thought.
Cain is going to be really angry when he wakes up. But at least he knows where I went. At least I didn't just blindly run off. He knows very well where I'm headed, and should have known I'd take off. I guess with the time we've been spending together, he figures he can trust me. But he can't. At least, not with this. I can't just sleep peacefully while mom might be in danger, and dad might die right now. He has good points, but I don't want to listen to him. I'm too angry to listen. I want to go, and take care of this as quickly as I can. I want everything to go back to normal. Out here, though, I learned fast, that it doesn't matter what I want. If I want it or not, it's going to happen. My voice has no meaning, no leverage. People will not hesitate to kill you. I guess, I always underestimated the dangers out here, because I was never really able to experience them. I know a bit now, not everything, but a bit. The chances of me getting mom back are slim, but the chances are always against me.
Stopping in my tracks, I remember something I should have never forgotten. Looking around, the moon is still high up in the sky, and a wave of fear washes over me. I don't know how far I've travelled. I don't know how many steps I've taken. I don't know, how much distance I put, between myself and Cain. In the midst of my anger, I forgot that the further apart we are, the weaker Cain will grow. The Scrapyard is still a ways away, I think, and by the time I get there it will be morning. The distance might be too much. Should I double back?
Cain's words, about this being a trap, run through my mind. He's right. I know that. But…is this what's supposed to happen? Was I supposed to get so angry, that I momentarily forget that Cain and I can't be too far away from one another? And then by the time I reach the Scrapyard it's too late? If there's an army waiting, they'd kill me. Cain would be dead, or too weak to fight, and they'd kill him, too. Dad…would be alone. If he lives. In thirty minutes, my whole world has changed again. If I survived the Scrapyard, got mom out, I would still be without Cain. It would be me, without my other half. Who do I choose? My mother, or my potential lover who relies on me?
Staring at the sky, at the path leading back to Cain, my heart races. What can I do? Maybe, there's a way, to get both. A small shot, but I have to take it. Cupping my hands over my mouth, I know how easily sound travels out here. I shout and holler Cain's name. I yell loud enough for anyone within a few miles to hear. I can only hope, that Cain wakes up. I even fire my gun for good measure, but I know I can't waste time. It's best to travel by night, because it's much harder to see me.
Yelling again, as loud as I can, I hope he can wake up. I hope he can hear me. If he wakes up and follows, knowing where I'm going, then maybe he won't be so weak. Maybe…maybe he can get to me in time. Going back would waste time I don't have. It would waste time mom doesn't have. I know this sounds coldhearted, cruel, but I can't let dad be without mom. I can't let them not be together. They've lived so much longer, and for so much more, than Cain and I ever have or will. If I lose Cain in this, than at least it was for something worth it. Something noble. Something worth fighting for.
My voice hurts after a bit, growing hoarse. Deciding that, I've stood and done all I could, I continue on. Because I can't stand there all night, hoping he gets to me. I'm only a half an hour away. On foot. Going rather slowly. So, maybe not even that far. Maybe if I ran…no. No I can't turn back, because I have to go and save mom. But what if mom's dead? What if I did all this for nothing? Then nobody wins. Dad dies, Cain dies, mom dies, and I'm alone. No. That isn't how my family works. It takes a lot to kill mom and dad. This certainly won't be the thing that does them in. They're stronger than that. Braver. They're meant to live for so much more than…than this.
I have to try. After all mom and dad have been through, the least I can do is try. I don't know their history in detail, but I know more than once they've put one another at risk. Who am I to be selfish, and cling to Cain like a baby? My life has been so easy until now. I can't run away, because of a hard choice. I have to do all I can to just…to just push forward. But I still feel sad. I feel sad, and alone, and scared. Did mom ever feel this way? When she wasn't with dad, was she afraid, too? I feel funny without Cain. As if a part of me is missing. I know that's cliché but it's true. It's true, and I can't figure out what else to do. I want someone right now, to be with me, and tell me it'll be alright. I've never felt so scared before. I want Cain here, beside me, supporting me, and protecting me.
Tears well in my eyes, and I can't shake them away. I might lose my entire family, and it hits me, as the shock dwindles. Losing mom, losing dad, losing Cain…all in one night. I…I don't think I'll be able to handle something like that. I don't think I'll be able to deal with it. My tears fall down my cheeks, and somewhere in the distance, I hear laughter. I'd give anything, to go back to tomorrow. To be carefree like I was. I guess you never really realize how lucky you are, to be free, until you're not anymore. Everything changed so quickly. Is this how life always is? Changing so fast, you can hardly catch your breath in between? I don't know. All I do know, is that I don't like it. That I want nothing to do with it. It isn't fair. It isn't right.
In the back of my mind, I wonder if maybe, this is how it was meant to be. If maybe mom and dad are meant to outlive everyone, and lose all their friends and family? No. No that's cruel. That's too much of a punishment, for even the most vile person. So…why must mom and dad suffer? Why? I'm younger, and I have a lot to learn. Can't some of their suffering, make their way to me? I guess, though, they've sheltered me from any suffering. From any hurt. From any sadness. That's what parents do. Despite their own hard lives, moms and dads will go to great lengths, to make sure their kids have a worry-free life. They keep them safe, while instead condemning themselves to more pain and hurt. All in the name of family.
I wish…I wish mom didn't do that. I wish dad didn't baby me. I wish they were meaner to me. So then right now, maybe I wouldn't be so scared. As I walk, with each step, if I had it harder, I wouldn't be so worried. Because I'd have it in my head that I can endure anything. At one point, I thought I could. I thought I could take on the world and shrug everyone off. But, being out here, being away…it teaches you things. It changes you. It…it helped me see that, without dad and mom, and especially without Cain, I never would have gotten this far. And then, when I realized that, I got scared. Because then I wondered, if I would ever be okay on my own. I don't know. Maybe I will be. I guess, right now, is a really good test.
It was only a kiss, that started this epidemic between me and Cain. That's it. Just a kiss. A passion-filled, spur of the moment, heat of the tide, kiss. Before then, I had only ever tried to rely on him as a brother. Purposely made myself far and distant to him. And then in one silly, dumb, moment, I couldn't anymore. I couldn't be distant from him. Because, really, all I wanted was him. I felt…I feel, high as a kite, when Cain is with me. As if I'm the strongest woman in the world. Nothing can stop me, when Cain is beside me. Which makes me think. Because I have to wonder, what am I alone? Am I strong? Or am I so dependant on him, that…even the most menial task is difficult?
Lifting my head, I wearily see the sun coming up over the horizon. I realize suddenly, how much I want a cigarette, and how bad my feet hurt. I've been walking non stop. But close, is the Scrapyard, and therein Littlefield. Pausing, I figure, maybe I should watch it rise. Watch the sun rise high up in the way high sky and cherish it. Because I don't know what the next hours will bring. I don't know if walking into that place will be the death of me. I don't know, that even if it isn't and I get mom out, that I'll ever see Cain again. There's a lot I don't know, but there's one thing I do know, and that's that the sun will rise again tomorrow.
I light my cigarette, and watch, as the night sky, slowly brightens. One by one, the stars fade out. They're still there, they're there all the time, but they're hidden by the sun. It's too bright, to see them, but you probably already knew that. As I inhale my cigarette, and exhale smoke, I realize that tears stream down my face. I guess, it's because deep down, when I watch the stars without Cain, my soul…it kind of cries. And I miss him. And I'm so worried about him. And yet, even deeper down, another feeling hits. Assurance, I think it's called. Assurance, that Cain heard me, and the aching I feel inside is only temporary. It could be right, and I hope it is. But most likely, it's just my mind, trying to make me feel better. Minds do that to everybody, on lonely nights and sunrise mornings. You know, I'm not a mean person inside. I don't want to be mean. I can't be mom, and I can't be dad. I can't be anyone, except who I am. And I hope that's really okay. I hope, everyone, especially Cain, understands that. Most of all, if Cain didn't hear me, I hope in the least, he understands, and takes pity on me.
As I walk towards the small shack inside the courtyards, I hear something in the recesses of my mind. I hear, a lovely tune. Someone, plays a song, that's so beautiful it makes me want to cry again. And yet, it's so warming, that it gives me the comfort and strength I need, to mask these feelings, and open the door. Cain…where are you?