(Dizzy)

If he doesn't admit it, then I won't accept it. Waiting isn't in my agenda. I have big dreams, and high hopes. After we get mom and dad, we're gonna go to Megaton, and after we help out there, I'm going to New Vegas. I want to see the world. I want to travel to all the places this world has to offer, and I'll be damned if I'm stuck with him the entire way. Because…because how can you ever make headway with someone as stubborn as him? How can you ever get over a love, when they're always next to you? I've tried, I have. I've given him chances, and he's always ran. He's always let me go. There's only so much a girl can take, before giving up. And I mean, I know he loves me, I know that because I can feel it. Feel it way deep down inside my guts where you get those kinds of feelings. But that's not enough. I want him to admit it. I want him to kiss me, to hold me and love me like people in love do. I want…someone to look at me, the way dad looks at mom. I want someone to love me like that, so badly. Because when you grow up with parents, who are so utterly in love, you too, learn to want it. When mom and dad were together, and it was late in the evening, before bed, you could catch them. Catch them being in love. Dad would hold mom really close, and some pre-war song would be playing, and they'd stand in the kitchen, just swaying together. They've been together for like, half a millennia it's like. I know it's less than that, but still. Decades. When you're together for decades, you'd think the love would fade. But it didn't. Not for them.

And then I'd see them from time to time, being in love. Dad looks at mom, like she's the most beautiful woman in the world. Mom looks at him like she's a small kid, and he's the man who hangs the sun and moon. As much as they loved me and Cain, I always knew, mom and dad loved each other more. I want that. I want that, in the worst possible way. And I want that with Cain. I just want to be the one he loves. But at this point, I don't know if that's possible. I'd have to blow the planet up and kill everyone for him to feel comfortable enough to admit he loves me. Even then, though, I don't think he would. Cain still sees me as a kid. A little sister. He'll never see me as a woman, or an object of lust and love. I'll always just be, his sister in name only. Because, we both know, that's the only thing we have in common now. For seventeen years, we've shared parents. And that's it. He's just mad because he's adopted and I'm not.

Folding my arms in front of me, I follow him and mentally lash out at him. I picture us arguing, and me winning with wit and sarcasm. It makes me less angry, but then it just makes me angry again, because I know I could never win like I want. All our arguments end in passionate love-sex. In real life, they'd just end. There's no kissing and making up. It's just an apology, and it's unfulfilling.

Watching the back of his head, I shudder. He's tall like dad. He is dad, really, in looks and height. Doesn't he realize how hard it was for me to accept my feelings for him, when the semblance he has to dad is so on-spot? It's creepy to love someone who's just a clone. A clone of your father. But you do. You sort out the confusing feelings, and know they're two very different people, and find ways to deal with conflicting emotions. I did it. Why can't he? Why can't he just…accept it? Accept it and let me run away with him? Because he's stupid. But it doesn't matter. Because Dr. Barrows has to know some way to break this bond, some way to make it happen, so that I can go it alone, and he can do whatever his stupid face wants. I can never not love him, if he's always near me.

Cain turns his head to look for me. When his eyes meet mine, I angrily look away and at my feet in the mud.

"You look cold."

I shrug as I keep walking. I end up walking right into him. It makes my heart go 'boom boom boom woosh', but, I swallow hard, and make sure it doesn't show on my face.

"Why'd you stop walking? I want to see mom."

I push past him and keep going.

"At least take my jacket."

He says, taking off the wet Duster coat and holding it out to me. It's soaked, and heavy with water, but his intentions are sincere. I stare at him for a minute, before I accept the weighted-down garment and throw it over my shoulders. It warms me from the inside out.

"Thank you."

I say to him, as he buttons it up, with my arms folded over my chest inside, while the sleeves dangle armless. I wonder, if he still feels the same way? He does, I mean, I can feel it, but…does he? Backing away, Cain gives me a half-assed smile, and motions for me to follow.

"Come on. We have to find a place to rest for the night."

"Cain? If we rest, mom and dad will miss us."

"No. No, they'll be fine. I'm sure if we do miss them, they'll just meet us back home. We can rest up a few days in Rivet City anyways."

"We have to talk to Dr. Barrows."

I remind him, wanting him to yell at me. I want him to yell at me, and tell me his place is with me, and nobody else. That he doesn't want anyone else, and that it's always going to be me. Instead, Cain just nods. It makes me mad, but there's nowhere to run. It's dangerous out here, in the rain, and I have nowhere to run to. When the whole land is flat, at least in this area, he'd know where I was running. And he'd find me. He always finds me.

"Cain?"

"Yeah?"

I pause, letting myself catch up to him, so we're walking side-by-side.

"…What was that song, mom would hum to dad?"

Cain looks around, before answering me.

"It was a song about hallelujah. I don't remember the words, really."

"Why'd she sing it to him? There's still a lot I don't know."

"Charon told me it was his favorite pre-war song. That he showed it to Dezbe when they first met, and I guess, they both took a liking to it."

"It has to mean something, right? I remember it was…kind of a sad song."

"Yeah. A sad love song. I guess, in all intents and purpose, it's their song."

"…I wish…someone would love me like that."

"You've said that before."

"Because I want it bad enough."

We stare at one another, defiant and stubborn. If it's one gene we share, it's that we're both too hotheaded for our own good. Stubborn to the core, and never knowing when to admit we're wrong.

"One day, you'll find it."

He says to me, and turns away. I want to yell at him, but instead I yawn and stretch. I didn't get much rest at all. I've been up for almost two days now, and give almost anything to have a warm bed to sleep in. A warm and dry bed, that is.

"Can we find a place to sleep? I'm sort of exhausted…"

"There's an abandoned Raider shack up ahead."

I look over at him, raising an eyebrow.

"You sure do know the land well."

"I can see it."

I feel stupid as he raises his hand and points. Sure enough, he's right. An old home, once occupied by Raiders, stands not too many yards away. You can tell the Raiders aren't there anymore, or else they'd already be after us. Most of the time, there's a look out. If not, then well, the place is vacant. I don't think there's a lot of organized Raiders left, anyways. The Capital Wasteland is pretty barren now, and there's little to fight. Which doesn't bother me a bit. In the city, there's a few Super Mutants, but they're decreasing steadily. Mom says there were ten times as many when she was around my age. She says they can't reproduce, and since there's no place for them to study humans, they can't repopulate. I don't fully understand the workings of Super Mutants. I just know they're fun to fight if you're equipped enough.

"Why don't you and I get there fast? I'm really tired."

Cain looks down at me, and I think he notices my exhaustion for the first time. I've been pushing myself to take the next step for miles. I'm not use to not sleeping, maybe mom and dad are, but not me. Without saying anything, Cain stops walking. I stare at him, getting angry.

"Cain, I'm tired. Why're we stopping? The house thing is right there."

I whine like a brat. You would too, if you were up for almost a whole day and night. Well, two days. Or one. I don't know anymore.

"Come on, hop on, I'll carry you."

He turns his back to me, and crouches down as he removes his gun.

"What?"

I ask, because I'm confused.

"Come on, hop on my back. I'll carry you. I didn't think you were exhausted."

I don't argue. It's a free ride, and a chance for me to rest. Getting on Cain's back piggy-style, I rest my head in the crook of his neck. He smells like rain, and musk. My eyelids feel heavy, as I feel him lift me from the ground, and the steady pacing of his steps begin. I can hear him breathing, and it relaxes me. My arms hold fast to his shoulders, and my legs grip his waist. If we really do part ways, I'm going to miss him so much. So much, that even just thinking about it hurts inside. But I know that I have to. I have to let him go eventually. I can't keep waiting, and hoping, and wasting my time. I know that I'll live as long as mom and dad, if not longer because I'm immune to radiation, and that provides longevity, but still. I want my forever, to be with someone I love. I want it to start now, and I want to keep it forever. I'm spoiled.

"Hey don't fall asleep there, we're almost to the house."

Cain's voice echoes in my head, and I open my eyes.

"I was just watching the inside of my eyelids."

"Very amusing."

He sounds just like dad. So much so, it kind of scares me. Dad use to say that to mom, when she'd do something childish and immature. It makes me think, and makes me scared.

"Hey, Cain?"

"Yeah?"

"Think that…over time, your mind, will develop like dad's?"

"What do you mean?"

"You know. You'll start to talk and act like him?"

He shrugs, which jolts me.

"I don't know. It's possible. I am him, after all."

"No you're not. You're your own person."

"To an extent."

I tighten my grip on him, and put my head back down.

"You sure are stubborn like him."

"And you sure act a lot like mom."

"That's because I'm her daughter."

"And I am Charon's twin, Diz."

Do you believe in destiny? Or fate? Do you ever wonder, if sometimes, history is meant to repeat itself in some way or form? Because I do. I think, that Cain and I are meant to be together. Follow in the footsteps of my mom and dad, and be like them, to carry on their legacy even when they pass. I think, Cain and I are destined to be together, just like mom and dad are, because we're exactly like them in a lot of ways. We're mirrors of them, a small, broken economy of what they are. I can see that, but I know, Cain doesn't.

"Hey, we're here."

Cain says, and I open my eyes, and lift my head. He puts me down, and opens the door to the old house. Inside, it's warm and dry, with no sign of Raiders. When the door closes, it grows dark. There's an upstairs, and I know from staying in other pre-war homes, that upstairs means a warm bed.

"Here."

I say to Cain, unbuttoning and handing him his wet jacket. Without saying anything, he takes it and lays it on the floor to dry. Our clothes are still soaked, and together we head upstairs to find something to dry off with. Searching the dressers, we find worn pre-war clothes, and go to different rooms to strip, and dry off. A part of me is tempted to put on the pre-war garb, but, I don't. Instead I take off my Raider outfit, and use the cloth to dry my skin best I can, leaving my bra and underwear on. This is a smaller house, and there's only one bedroom. Cain's in the hall, doing exactly what I'm doing. The bed behind me, has never looked more inviting.

When I finish, I toss the pre-war dress to the floor and go to the bedroom door. I hesitate. I want to open this door, and walk into him. Walk into his arms, and have him hold me and tell me everything will be okay. That he and I can run away to New Vegas, and start a new life. A life of love, adventure, gambling, and drinking. Mom says New Vegas is perfect for the person who likes to have fun. A person, who wants to gamble, and play in the casinos. That there's nothing but games, sex, and drinking. Land is cheap, drinks are cheaper, and sex is free. I want to go there. I want to go there so badly, and waste all the money I earn to cards. I want to open my own casino, with dancers, and doormen. Where everyone wears pre-war suits, and I'd dress in the most fashionable outfits. Cain could run it, and I could be his main girl. There'd be lots of women, throwing themselves at him, but it'd be me he always came home to. No other woman would be good enough, and he'd tip his pre-war hat to them and say 'Not tonight, ladies' in this suave voice. But, as much as I want that, I know it probably won't happen. I know, it'll probably remain a fantasy, and I'll end up in New Vegas all alone, with nobody there beside me. Being alone, terrifies me to no end. But I can't let him see that. I can't let anyone see that. Because I'm suppose to be brave. I'm the daughter of Charon, of Dezbe. Their only shared child. I have a lot to live up to. I have a façade to uphold.

Opening the door slowly, I close my eyes so I don't see him naked, if he is.

"Are you decent?"

"Yeah. Yeah I have boxers on."

I open my eyes, and see that he's hung his clothes over the bannister. Never, have I seen such a perfect representation of a man before in my life. His body is fit, toned, and tall. He tosses the pre-war outfit he used to dry himself to the floor, and sighs.

"Why not give me your clothes? They'll dry faster, if they're hung up."

I nod and turn to retrieve them. Handing them over, our fingers graze, and it feels funny. Like neither one of us want to touch each other, but at the same time, we want nothing more. Nothing more than to finish what we started months ago, and put an end to the games we play. It makes my body tense up, and I shudder.

"You alright?"

He asks me, worry in his voice.

"Yeah. Yeah, just tired. A bit cold."

"Go rest in bed. If you get sick, there's no radiation around for miles. You'd be stuck here until I could find some."

Getting sick in Megaton isn't a big deal, even to the people who aren't immune to radiation. Megaton and Rivet City have a good supply of medicine, and even in the Capital Wasteland on the trade routes, there's a caravan to get some medicine off of. But we're off the trade routes, and the nearest one is about three or four miles away. Megaton and Rivet City, even further. I would in fact, be quite stuck.

"Where will you sleep?"

Please, say with me. Even if nothing happens, I just want to feel him close to me. I just want to feel safe.

"I don't know. Downstairs? I'm not that tired."

"Oh. Well, what if someone comes in?"

"I'll be down there to get them. Since, you're unarmed."

"And if they overpower you?"

"Unlikely."

He's cocky sometimes. But we have a right to be. With Charon as a caregiver, who wouldn't be? Dad's the biggest, meanest, and baddest person in the Capital Wasteland. A strong fighter, nobody would think twice about picking a fight with. You'd understand, if your father was as awesome as mine.

"Well, but hypothetically, what if they do?"

"Dizzy, nobody is going to hurt you. Just go get in bed, and get some rest."

"But I don't want to be alone."

It comes out of my mouth and then it's done. I can't stop it. It's there and he definitely hears it. All of a sudden, I want a stiff drink and a cigarette in the worst way. But I know we don't have any liquor on us. Cain looks at me, and his eyes soften. He tries to be hard, like I try, but neither one of us can really be hard to one another, unless we're mad.

"Alright. I'll lay with you. But once you fall asleep I'm going downstairs to keep watch."

I nod, and hang my head low.

"Don't worry, I'll leave the bedroom door open when I go."

"Can I have a cigarette?"

He nods, and points behind me.

"I'll get you one if you get to bed. You're looking pretty worse for wear."

I listen, and head towards the big bed. It's really big, too. And dry. When I get to it, my exhaustion overpowers me. I feel like I could sleep for days, as I get beneath the warm blankets. They're old, and a bit ruined, but I like them anyways. Cain comes in the room, and closes the door behind him. He has two lit cigarettes, and hands one to me as he sits on the edge of the bed. I can hardly keep my eyes open, but the nicotine in the cigarette keeps me awake enough. Cain moves under the blankets with me, and our bare legs touch. I ash my cigarette on the old end table, and watch the smoke curl in the air.

"I'm tired."

I tell him, the sleepiness heavy in my voice.

"Then you should sleep."

"I don't want to yet, I want to finish this cigarette."

Our voices are soft, as if we're kids again, and whispering to one another. We use to do that, late at night, when our parents slept. My parents. I would sneak in his room, and we'd make a blanket tent, and tell scary stories. His, were always better than mine. Sometimes, we'd share silly, childhood secrets. Most of them obvious, but sometimes…they'd mean something.

"Well, finish it fast. You need your sleep."

"Cain?"

"Yeah?"

My tone is serious, and soft. I play with the cigarette between my fingers.

"…If Dr. Barrows can separate us…what'll you do when I leave?"

He sighs, and I watch him exhale smoke. I never want to see him unhappy. I thought, he wanted the same to me. Doesn't he understand, I'd be unhappy without him?

"…I don't know. I'd…stay in Megaton, I suppose."

"You wouldn't adventure?"

"No. Not without you."

My heart skips a beat, and suddenly, I don't feel so chilly. Putting my cigarette out on the table beside me, I pull the blankets up to my bare shoulder. Cain looks at his feet, silent, thinking. I look at him, laying on my side, as he puffs his cigarette deep in concentration. Moving, I press my head to his arm. He lifts it up, and lets me lie on his chest, in the crease of his arm, where it meets his chest.

"Tell me something?"

I ask, as I fight off sleep, the touch of his clammy skin warming me.

"What do you want to know?"

He puts his own cigarette out, and lays down. I feel his breath on my forehead, and I put my arm around his bare chest. He's my almost lover.

"Tell me, what you'll do, when I leave."

"Wait for you in Megaton."

"And if I never return?"

"Then…I'd stay there. Until I went to find you."

"And if you never found me?"

"Then I'd never stop looking."

"Without me, you'll live a normal life. You'll age, and you won't have time, like I do."

"There's a way to fix that."
"How can you be so sure?"

"If Dr. Barrows can break what makes me stay close to you, then he can make me immune to radiation, too. You said it once yourself."

I can't wake up in the morning, without Cain on my mind. If we separate, it'll kill me inside.

"He can. He's a miracle worker."

Cain pulls me closer to him, his arms wrapping around me. I can hear his heartbeat, as my eyes flutter closed. What I wouldn't give right now, to hear him say he loves me, too. But almost lovers, always bring you heartache.

"Dizzy?"

His fingertips dance along my skin, and it makes me shudder.

"Hm?"

"I want to go to New Vegas, too."

"I want to go alone, I want to find love."

"I want…to go to New Vegas, Dizzy."

I feel his lips against the top of my head. It wakes me up a bit, and I look at him. His eyes are full of sadness, of something I can't read. Something I know that's powerful. That's brought on by our closeness. He always gets that look, when we're close like this. As if it overrides every rational thought in his mind. As if…something inside his build, tells him to forget all the common sense he's learned. I know, because I can feel it, too.

"You can't come with me, because if you're with me…how can I…find anyone else?"

My hair is still damp, and he runs his fingers through it. Droplets of water drizzle on my face, but I don't mind. I can't let him come to New Vegas with me, if he doesn't let himself love me. If he keeps playing these mind games, then he has to stay. He has to stay here, and come find me on his own. When he's ready, to love me, like I love him.
"You can't go without me. What if something happens? What if you get hurt, and I'm not there for you?"

"I don't think you fully understand what I'm telling you, Cain. You can't come with me, because if you do…then…"

"Then you won't be able to give a goddamn about anyone else and that's how it needs to be. That's how, it has to be."

I'm shocked, and a bit taken aback by his response. I stare at him, in confusion, in hope. He looks down at nothing, avoiding eye contact.

"Cain?"

He looks at me. His blue eyes, his strong jaw, his dark red and brown hair. I don't know what to say, I didn't think this far ahead. Outside, the wind hits the house, making it rattle. Lifting myself up, I look at Cain as I hover over him.

"Say something."

I tell him, and he blinks slowly.

"What do you want me to say?"

"I don't know. Say that…"

I trail off, as his hand strokes the side of my face. I want him to say that he loves me. That I'm the only one for him. That he'll be here, beside me, forever. That there's nobody made for me, except him. That together, we can do anything. His hand rubs my neck, my shoulder, my arm. He's silent, we're both silent. The air between us is thick with unanswered questions and unknown answers.

"We can run away together. We can go to New Vegas. Nobody there, will know anything about us. We can…be together there."

I tell him, hinting, and hoping he gets my hints.

"We can…and we…can be together, here, too."

My heart almost stops. I stare at him, wanting to hear more. I beg him with my eyes to go on. Beg him to say all the things he's never said before. We're alone here, with nothing and nobody, except ourselves. But he doesn't say anything. As if it's caught right in his throat.

"We can be together, wherever you want."

I tell him, urging him not to stop talking. Wanting him to say more.

"We don't need to whisper."

He says, as I bend my elbows, and go to lie down again.

"I know, but that's what makes it fun."

"We're alone here."

"Yeah, we are."

"And we're not in any real rush."

"Nope. Just me, and you, whispering in the dark, like we use to."

"Telling stories, and secrets."

I look at him, not yet ready to lie down, and break the connection. It feels like my heart is going to rip right out of my chest.

"We can nap, and when we wake up, we can take our time getting to Rivet City."

I say, smirking a bit.

"We can stay awake, and not worry about anything."

Cain smirks back, and it makes me smile, and feel mischievous. I feel like I'm in for it now.

"Dizzy?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

He shrugs, and I yawn. I don't want to sleep now. I want to stay awake. I want…to make this last forever. Leaning close to him, I smile, and press my forehead against his.

"I'm tired."
I say to him, feeling his hand on the back of my neck.

"Dizzy?"

Closing my eyes, I take in his touch.

"Hm?"

"You're not allowed to be with anyone else."

"What?"

"You're not allowed."

"Why not?"

"Because you're not. You're mine."

"That's a bit possessive."

There's playful sarcasm in our voices, with my forehead touching his.

"I don't care. It's the truth."

"What if I am? What if I decide I'm tired of waiting and playing?"

"Impossible. You never get tired of the chase."

"Cocky bastard."

I say, before mustering up all the courage and strength I have deep down inside, to just kiss him. To just fucking kiss him. And I do. I kiss him, and he kisses me back with more intensity and passion than he ever has before. I think, finally, the switch in his head is turned off. For the moment, it's all about us, and I don't want it any other way. His lips, his tongue, everything about him, drives me completely insane. His hands pull me closer, on top of him, and I don't argue. I don't fight it. It's everything I've wanted, and I can wait until he can say he loves me. I can wait, so long as he's mine in the meantime. So long as he's all mine. And in return, I'll wait. I'll wait forever, if I have to. Because we have that kind of time.

Pulling away from me, Cain looks at me, his eyes glossy and filled with the same exact emotion I'm feeling.

"Are you sure?"

He asks, and I nod my head. I'm not stupid. I know what happens, when two people kiss like this, half naked in bed. And I crave it in the worst possible way.

"Yeah. I'm sure."

"There's no turning back if we go all the way, Dizzy."

"I know."

"Do you? Do you know what'll happen?"

I shake my head, just wanting him to shut the hell up and kiss me again.

"I'm serious, Dizzy. I'm an advanced machine, android, human."
"What'll happen?"

I ask, genuinely curious.

"There's no going back. I'm not meant, to feel any of this, and I am. If we do this, I can't imagine, how much worse it'll make our situation. How it'll affect…what I'm programmed to do."

"It can't make it worse, only better. Right?"

He smirks, and nods. Bringing me close to him again, it's like the whole world stops. There is no time, there is nothing we have to worry about. It's just him, and it's just me. I've never in my entire life felt anything like this before. As if finally, what's suppose to happen, is happening. He shifts me below him, and the soft pillows rest beneath my head. My heart beats so loud, people miles away can hear it. The kissing intensifies, as passions grow. It's different, than the encounter we had on our way to The Pitt. It's stronger, more powerful, raw emotion. As the clothes vanish, inhibitions follow. Neither one of us, really gives a shit anymore, about the mental barriers that were placed upon us.

Pleasure, lust, desire, those seem like such trivial things. Such trivial words, to describe what I'm feeling. Not even love, is a strong enough word, to describe what's flowing through me. It can't be described, only felt. It's something you feel, when you know you've found the one for you. When the one for you, loves you, and when you can finally show them that love. Our heavy breathing, and the gasps and moans of pleasure are the only noise for miles and miles. The rain splashes heavily against the house. I'm terrified of what will happen tomorrow, scared if he'll go back. I'm worried, that maybe this will have a negative affect on him. But right now, I can't seem to think about anything, except what I'm feeling.

"Cain…wait…"

I breathe out, scared, nervous, but wanting him to ignore me.

"What is it?"

He asks, kissing my neck, stopping his movements.

"…No…don't stop."

I don't think, anyone in the whole wide world, can ever imagine what this feels like. I don't think anyone knows, what it's like, to finally be loved in return, by the person you love, too. It's something that…only few get to feel. And I'm so sorry, for those who never get to feel it. Everyone, at least once, should feel the way I do now.